Seven Shades of Grey (20 page)

The question is simple: if baba were your three-year-old, with his innocence and his unfolding love, why did you let him be exposed to imthi’s cross examination? Vikram can handle a hundred thousand imthis for breakfast alone. But baba was a three-year-old! Do you think a three-year-old needed to be there alone? Do you believe that he should have only listened to you and typed what u wanted him to?

So with baba gone, where does it leave you and me? Vikram accepted you without question and allowed baba to take his place. But what happened to baba is history now. ‘Those who forget history are condemned to repeat it.’ Vikram does not forget. Vikram will still have the innocence and the purity of love. For you purity of love is the lack of physical need or contact. For Vikram, love is love. It does not discriminate between anything physical or ethereal. He is complete in himself. His physical being is with his wife Dolly, along with his soul. His ethereal self belongs to his friends. Baba was yours and yours alone. Not Vikram.

Vikram’s love flows too, don’t misunderstand that. The difference is that my ethereal self flew with you, my love, and only with you. I danced with you and cried with you. But Vikram has to do more. His friends, the few that are left, need him too. He has to take care of them. Since last night, my friends are again back to me. Not because I hunted for them, but because there is a heartfelt need from them. Baba slept in your lap, like the baby he was; Vikram sleeps in his Maa’s lap.

For this, Maa never left him when he needed her the most. She made him stand trial for what he had done, never for something he had not done. She burnt his desires on his finger tips because she did not want his soul to be burnt. Today the soul is pure again, and baba has been lost in the wilderness of knowledge that is now Vikram.

I have still to get out of the old Vikram’s shadow. The new me was born out of pain, and not out of love. He is the sun, he is the moon and they shine on the world, they do not discriminate. The duty of the sun and the moon is to shine and that is what I will do. When I spoke of desire being gone, there was one of two things that could be inferred. The first is that desire is killed and the second is that the desire is fulfilled. If desire is killed it does not go away, it comes back tenfold.

If desire is fulfilled then there is none left to be born again. You, by bringing baba into me, fulfilled desire. For that I cannot thank you enough. Vikram is still there, the eternal pool of knowledge, the rational me. He stands alone and watches with the eyes of Maa. Baba was hurt, but I won’t be, because the old Vikram will not let it happen.

If and when the time comes, Vikram is capable of flying off into the wilderness, all alone. But now when innocence is lost in the wilderness of knowledge, then I wonder what you seek.

This is not a commentary on your relationship with imthi at all. I don’t care about him. The words I write are from the core of my being to understand you. If the thought of Prem having one affair rocked you so much, what is it that you want from life now? I am not going to rationalize his behavior here. I want to know what you want.

Is it your desire that things work out between you and Prem or not? My love for you is blind. It does not sit in judgment here; it only asks what you want and will work towards that. The other day when I asked you if you felt that maybe your attachment was wrong with me u said no because baba was your three-year-old. I told you pure love has no attachments at all. But with imthi, I sense that you know his attachment, you know that he is crazy about you in a way that perhaps he thinks he is justified in thinking and yet you allow him to talk to baba? I could also sense that you were online with him for a long time and must have had a helluva job explaining things to him. If you could not explain things in those hours how could baba do it in a few minutes? What is imthi in your life that a three-year-old was lost in the mayhem?

I am sure that you want me to be with you in seeking Maa, but what about your life on this earth? If it is none of my business just say so. If it is then please tell me what do you want? I am not sure now, and that is why I am asking this question.

Dolly, if this mail of mine hurts you, then I take it back. It is my karma to show you what I believe is Maa. What u make out of it is your karma. When one is rocked in the real world one loses perspective. I do too. I am human. But my inner being stands tall because of the strength of my beliefs and actions. You know if I ever slept with another woman, my Dolly would not even ask me why. She would only ask me, ‘Did you have a good time? Do you want some more, or shall we get on with our life now?’ That is the purity of her love for me. That is why I cannot betray her trust.

I want to know what is it that you seek because I am a bit muddled here. You have opened up doors of strength to me and today Vikram is strong, stronger than he ever was. He cannot forget you ever. This is not gratitude but love, selfless and Unconditional Love. I once wrote a poem to you and am sending it with this email. That is what the true me is. No matter how much you hate me for penning this mail, I will continue to love you. That is my karma.

At the same time, I will try my damnedest to protect u when Maa tells me to. I know you are strong, never doubted that, but with imthi and u telling me what to type, I have seen chinks in your armor. I don’t sit in judgment here, but in the path you choose to tread with me, my karma is being tied to yours. I have to go with you and hence have to show u what I see. The easiest thing for you to do is say that I am bullshitting, and I have done my duty. My karma will detach from yours, and I am free. The harder thing to do is to understand every word of this mail. As far as I am concerned, I chose my path with you. The path you chose is yours till you make it ours.

With love,

Vikram

Here is the poem I was talking about.

To my friend

To you my friend, I give these words

From the heart and soul, for you to behold.

A friend am I, who through every storm,

Will be there by your side, in every shape, size or form.

A friend am I, who will laugh with you,

And when in those moments you cry, will cry too.

A fair weather friend I am not, or a spineless wimp,

The one who would turn his back, and run like the wind.

Through every trial in life, my strength will be yours,

And every erring man beware, I am a different sort.

I cherish our friendship, my friend, and guard it with my life,

Because weather may change and man may evolve, it’s the friend in you, I have sought.

A friend who should smile, like the sun does every morn,

Not worry about life, for life is not worth a scorn.

Life, my friend, is nothing but a dream, a nightmare sometimes,

A joyous one at others, and more often than not as sweet as cream.

For life must take its course, through twists and turns a plenty,

But we, my friend, shall see life through, no matter what, and that is the truth.

No more shall the tears flow; no more will the dark night stay.

The worst is behind us, and today is a new day.

With each smile that you smile, each minute that you do,

My friendship you will elevate, to the height I want it to.

We may fight for our beliefs and laugh at our fortunes,

And cry we may, when life tells us to, and be there for each other as true friends do.

Let our friendship be that pillar of strength,

A message to all that ever wonder, what is a friend?

For this life will end, there is no doubt,

But let us leave this world an example of what we were all about.

These words I give you, straight from the heart,

For you and only you. May we never part.

I had written this poem in one of my heady moods. I wanted to send it to her a long time ago but was afraid of the jinx. This was not a person I wanted to lose. But there was no way that my mind could reconcile the spot I had been put in. The email acted like a purge, and I felt better after writing it. A reply did not come that day, nor the next, but three days later there was one.

Bapu,

How are u? All ok here because of school holidays these two coconuts were having a fun time at home, we go to the parks and other places but yesterday I was not able to take them out due to the MRI appointment.

This name I call u now has been in my mind from the beginning but to come out and call u that I felt maybe u will fall off your chair laughing. The feeling I got every time I talked to you was peace of mind.

Now I know I don’t need to explain anything to you or anyone but I feel I have to say it! I have absolutely nothing to hide, I have been honest about everything to you from the very beginning. After a while went deeper and told u the problems you are right all marriages have all sorts of problems but to me mine devastated me and I felt I had no strength after all I had done for this man to do such a thing to me. I know anyone in this position would have collapsed ha ha i did not have that choice even becoz of the twins I had to go on and I did.

If there was a strand of lie in me we would not have come this far I would not have known your prof and Maa well she has her children and I know she has been there for me b4. I never knew to harness the power I have. I had the anger while u had the love and still have it.

The reason why I asked u to just tell him that our love is just friendship was because that was what triggered it all in his mind. With imthi if I explain or even begin to explain Maa and all he would not understand, even now I am not a religious person and I do not follow any religion but I know when she comes she comes to all in her own way.

He did something wrong in using my username that he admitted, he said he did not have anything to do but that is a lame excuse. You see I have met imthi b4, he came to Singapore once and we were interested in JK and he wanted to set up a school and I was interested in helping out becoz for my friends I either go all out or I don’t, that’s how I am.

I know that day he put us in a spot and to top it off I asked u pls just tell him the reason u call me My love is not becoz we are in love and running away to the Bahamas. Don’t ask why I keep insisting on the Bahamas but, hee hee, I hear it is a great place. Just to explain that and only that becoz anything beyond that he will definitely not understand.

The name I wanted to call u from the beginning was bapu, never did. Again I will tell u becoz I really thought u may fall off the chair and I for one don’t just come up with names just like that. I must get that feeling, and that feeling doesn’t spring up from nowhere. It has to come from within. I am beyond familiarity; I regard praise and blame alike—neither affects me. But the name bapu was on my mind from the beginning. If imthi has skeletons in his closet he knows how to deal with them, and yes, he is a nice chap, but I know he is falling for me. He gave me good advice in that he told me to leave and walk away. Sounds easy, and I may feel with all the anger it is a good idea; but for one, it is not, and two, there are two other lives involved here. I told him I know, and anyways we chat a lot on zen buddhism and JK and stuff, but human beings being just that, always sexual attraction is there. The reason I am explaining is to tell u he may have made a mistake yesterday, but he is a kind person, and the reason why he did it is that he clouded his head with the puppy love and messed it up for himself. Well, he will deal with it.

I for one never discuss anything I discuss with any of my friends to the other, and I know u r the same. I think most people are like this, but I don’t worry about most others at all. If this was (the conference) all b4, my anger would have taken over, and I would have blasted all, but I remained calm because I know and kept hearing Maa say don’t worry, all will work out. Then it struck me while waiting - the name. Maa mentioned about the name, and I was thinking, ‘Oh come on, Maa, he knows what I mean by it,’ and I laughed and said ‘hee hee hee. vik would have fallen off the chair if I called him that.’

Well, my mistake number two, and I have again learnt from it. We come out as better people in each and every situation in this life. I have my karma, u yours, prem his, imthi his. All have their own ways, but when I fly I fly with only you.

I know your love for me will not falter, and u know the same goes for me, but ha ha ! try explaining this and all may faint!

Again I will tell u the reason why I said vik pls just tell him we are not in love or anything was to avoid a confrontation, but that was what it was supposed to be, and all ended fine. The entire thing came up becoz of this puppy love he has. Well, in time all will go and be fine, am not worried at all.

I never forget our conversation. I may have to think a little but never do I forget. After 9 yrs of marriage, two kids, running at night to give prem food at the I.C.U, doing his slides at 4 in the am so that he can fly off to Jakarta the next day and present to 500 other people, and the affair and all, what I have been through in my life time I guess, ha ha, it is normal I may forget. But it is all stored in my mind, and I am very, very happy now. I am happy that although I have waited this long to meet you, that in this lifetime I have. My happiness honestly I cannot begin to describe becoz I can’t measure it, just like the love I have for my bapu I can’t measure, and it comes for no reason with no desires nor wants attached to it. It is pure and clear.