Seven Shades of Grey (19 page)

VikSin
: that is between u n dolly

There was a message from Dolly in the private window again:

Dolly66
: I am sorry vikram, I have not called imthi Baba in ages that name only means u to me.

The message went the way of its predecessor, consumed by fire that was once an inferno. Sweat appeared on my brow, beads racing into my eyes, my fingers never leaving the keyboard, eyes smarting, hurting, and yet unflinchingly glued to the monitor.

Imthi98
: I guess so vikram, but I am not as strong as u r

VikSin
: a man’s character comes to the fore in a crisis … u say u love dolly but u don’t trust her, u need me to clarify things for u

Imthi98
: I trust her but my mind plays tricks on me

VikSin
: u don’t even have a mind … u know dolly is married with two kids n still u say u love her

Imthi98
: yes I know that n the problems she is having

The attacker changed tack, the fire followed suit, not letting go of the advantage it had acquired.

VikSin
: so u r an opportunist here … u want her to leave her family for u? just because she is having a hard time coping with her problems?

VikSin
: u r sick … instead of helping a friend overcome her problems u want to ease yr way into her life?

It blazed on; relentless, attacking, pressing home, pushing the attacker back.

VikSin
: u r not even a friend u r like a vulture preying on a helpless wounded animal … U not worth calling a friend

Imthi98
: u r right vikram, I am weak n I have fallen for dolly that is all I can say … sorry to have called u here, bye

And he was vanquished.

In a street fight, an innocent bystander sometimes gets killed. On a battlefield millions of grass-blades get trampled upon and scores of tiny creatures perish. In the battle today, the vanquished left, the fair maiden that I had supposedly won stood mute for a second before following suit. The victor was left standing alone, the fire as empty as the vast expanse it had consumed. But Messenger told me that both were still online. The private message window from Dolly66 sat clinging to a message sent ages ago, nothing new forthcoming. Did the vanquished become the victor attaining the fair maiden?

As I gathered my thoughts Messenger flashed another message, Dolly66 had logged out along with Imthi98. The victor sat alone to brood over his hollow victory. Confusion my ageless girlfriend decided to pay me a visit.

It did not make any sense. Imthi98 running away was warranted, but Dolly66?

Why did she leave the conference soon after the perpetrator had left?

Who was this man in Dolly66’s life? Why was he more important than I was?

MAA, Professor, my daughter and countless hours of chat and emails were a bond between us. Why did none of this have any relevance today? The whirlpools made a comeback; this time they would not return empty handed.

I was numb, sweating and bewildered. Dolly66 leaving me was just not happening to me. There had to be an explanation;
there just had to be one.
I looked at MAA. The slight smile I had detected earlier was gone. Her eyes burned, and the more I looked into them, the more they consumed me. My head spun, whirlpools gathered speed, small ones merging to form one titanic one, moving closer and closer till I was once again in the middle of the vortex, this time completely consumed, plunging to the depths of darkness.

I swam in a dark sea, salt water filling my nostrils and entering my lungs as I gasped for breath. My chest was on fire and simultaneously crushed by a python-like grip, getting tighter around me. In the throes of my woes, a voice inside me called to MAA. And she did not desert me. I saw her in the form of a speck of light, approaching from a distance, the speck growing, me still struggling for air. My hands reached out thrashing at the sea to let go, lungs contracting to expel salty water, desperately trying to put out the burning sensation, still gasping for air. And she was soon by my side.

The swirling waters of the whirlpool were calmed by her mere presence; the vortex letting go of me, lungs getting in much needed precious air. I shot out like a cannon ball leaving the waters behind flying to MAA, burning eyes viewing her ever-growing form. As I raced towards her protruding tongue that continued to grow, her mouth opened wide, wide enough to consume the universe, me but an atom in comparison. As I flew into her gaping mouth, I tried to scream, petrified at the awesome sight in front of me, but no sound escaped my lips.

Through the mouth, down the throat and into a pool of blood I went, traveling faster than light, blazing a trail like a comet. The trail, the comet, and the entire universe dissolved into the pool that grew into a gigantic ocean of blood as soon as I plunged into it. As I sank deeper, I continued to breathe, as sheltered as a fetus in a womb. There was no want, no desire left inside me. There was peace, comfort, and serenity. I continued to sink for a while, and then suddenly the ocean vanished, leaving me standing on dry land, drenched in blood, more tranquil me than I had ever been before. And she was in front of me in all her glory, MAA!

For an eternity, I gazed at her, child-like eyes innocently viewing a mother. She smiled a mother’s smile, her gaze leaving me, turning to the skies, rain clouds gathering in her bright light. At her command they let go their bounty, showering me, gushing all around me, washing me until I stood naked and cleansed, bathed in her light.

*

My closed eyes can still see the same light; nothing can ever take that away from me. I was born again that day and yet doomed to the frailties of the human mind I possessed. Rationality still crept up on me as it does now in this temporary prison of mine. I am drenched today, as I was that day, and I still want to know why!

Dolly66 did not leave me that day; one atom-bomb-size explosion was still left for her to unleash. What rankles me the most is the fact that it was unleashed after yet another incident that I thought would reaffirm the bond between us. I must return to the last time Dolly66 ever interacted with me, the night that was the darkest in my life, the one that drove me over the precipice - a final plunge into the depths of insanity.

*

The power in my office played truant, shutting the world around me, waking me up. The room was still comfortably cool, and to my astonishment I was bathed in sweat. My frantic staff was trying to call the electric company, all work coming to a standstill, quite like my life had that very moment. In darkness I searched for light of a different kind, one that was brought by the sun just before it plunged into darkness beyond the horizon. My eyes squinted as I walked outdoors. Members of my staff too were there, and each made me feel like a walking ghost. I lumbered across to the production hall, noted that the formulation was stable; unaffected by the lack of power that once churned the slow-speed-mixer. This was relief of another kind, one that assured me that my invention worked. Bombay rarely loses power, unlike the rest of India. For my formulation to work, it had to make allowance for vagrant power supply. And it had!

Power lines were down, but the phones still worked. I trudged back to my office and lit a candle to shed some physical light. I had the means to make millions, although not much money in the bank yet to reflect that; and still I spent frantic hours trying to call up Singapore. The telephone alternated between sounding busy and continuously ringing - furiously trying to get someone’s attention at the other end, failing miserably.

Five frantic hours later I was reaching for my keys to unlock the doors to my apartment. I was surprisingly upbeat considering the events of the day, and somehow I could not understand that. I went straight to my altar, lit some incense and was soon lost to the world even though my eyes continued to gaze at MAA. My body unconsciously sat down, lightening the burden on war-weary legs, my eyes never leaving Hers. The world around me blurred as Her eyes continued to blaze. I cannot remember when my eyes closed and when my tired body collapsed in front of the altar, the morning sun waking me from my deep slumber. No thoughts raced through my mind, as my legs propped up a still awakening body. A shower, a fresh change of clothes, food for my famished body and I was soon heading for my office in my trusty car. I was still on autopilot, still numb.

An ecstatic production manager informed me that the formulation had survived the previous evening’s four-hour power loss, the first and only welcome sign of the day. I lit some incense before MAA and slumped in my chair, still on autopilot, still numb.

My fingers switched on my computer, magically willing it to connect to the Net. And it did! Messenger brought no relief, as offline messages were conspicuous by their absence. But Marilyn and Reshma were waiting for me online. Two message windows flashed onto my screen, one from each of them. Both were wondering if I was OK. A reassuring reply went forth, typed by the master puppeteer using my puppet fingers on my puppet keyboard. Both refused to believe me, both sensing something was amiss. I started getting back to manual control, numbness gradually jogging away from me.

My words began to reflect my former, happier and cheerful self, Reshma was the first to leave while Marilyn clung on. She probed and prodded, and there was little that I could offer by way of an explanation. Eventually she gave up on me, promising to log in later that evening, my time, after she had awoken the next morning, her time. And I switched off the computer returning to the real world, returning to a storm gathering speed, racing to possess me. And yet I felt no pain, no loss; confusion at its romantic best. And yet I needed explanations of what happened at the conference. Since Dolly66 was not online and a phone connection still elusive I opened my word processor to send her an email. And the master puppeteer came back to take possession of his puppet, another tale to be hammered on the puppet keyboard.

My Love,

These words belonged to baba, but I am sure that even now he won’t mind me using them. After the conference yesterday I was numb for a while, and in this stupor I stood before MAA, who showed me herself - the self that I have craved to see. This morning when I woke up the first thing that popped into my head was, ‘Why?’ Not just one why but a thousand whys. I wanted to ask you a thousand questions on the chat, about the conference, about you and me, till I again asked Maa, ‘Why?’

I sat reciting her name, and my soul, probably baba, said, ‘If you seek the answers to a thousand whys then what have u achieved? If there is desire to know more, then what have you learnt now? You thought that you knew it all, and yet you ask WHY?’

To which the only answer my inner being gave was Love. If you have not just mouthed the meaning of true love for the past few days then feel the Love. The answer to all your questions is Love. So, My Love, I have no question at all for you. I know that I have been very severely provoked into standing trial. I have no questions because for every question I ask, my soul will lose what I have achieved so far.

My Love has been without compromise, without demand, without want, without desire and only flowed because you opened the tap. The price that I paid for it today is the lack of peace in my being. Baba left today. But the peace that is gone is only momentary. Baba did what he had to, and he has left behind someone who has understood Love. I cannot thank you enough for bringing baba inside me.

You have gone to lengths to explain what your love to me is and what was baba to you. I think it is only fair that you know what he was to me.

Baba made me a three-year-old, a three-year-old that held your finger and said ‘MAA’. He looked at you with eyes of a three-year-old and said, ‘Maa, here is my life.’ He put that trust in you. Trust! I never knew this word meant so much to me. Baba was already opening the locked secrets of Vikram to you, and something prevented him from going beyond a certain point. I guess since baba was writing he knew he did not have very long to live. Baba’s love for you made him stand trial for no fault of his. He stood it, but he stood in there as Vikram. For once he left your hand, and he held on to Vikram.

You wanted your baba to say exactly what you wanted. That is the mother fervently protecting herself, not the child. Baba stood with Vikram, and Maa stood there too. Imthi’s comments in themselves have little content. It can be summed up as the banter of an insecure person. But you? What could baba say to you? He would walk through a thousand hells to be with you, and even to the conference he went, with the same innocence. But if someone is going to ask him why, when there is no reason to ask him, then the trust is gone.

Somewhere within the first three lines of the conference is where baba left. Imthi asked what is between you and Dolly, and I said, Dolly is here and she can answer that and he said, no I want to know from you. I said what is between Dolly and I, is something that is between us and he said, I don’t TRUST this secret friendship. Trust! And baba left your hand to hold Vikram’s.

From then on it was not baba that typed, it was Vikram the one that had to be re-born because baba merged inside him. Baba merged his innocent self into Vikram because he realized that this is where he belonged. He held your hand and you let him go to stand trial for nothing that he had done.

To a shrink the language and the content so far are schizophrenic. I probably was a schizo the past few days. My mature self for once gave place to the child, and I laid that innocence at your feet. I am sure you have a thousand reasons to justify that imthi wanted to talk to me and a thousand more why I should have typed what you asked me to type and another thousand why imthi is such a nice chap. I accept all these three thousand explanations without questioning you at all. But the only answer that you need to give yourself is one that will haunt you for a long time. If you have an answer, and I mean only one, dedicate it to baba and in his name feed a needy child. Don’t tell me about it.