Seven Shades of Grey (15 page)

I needed the comforting, wanted unconsciously to hear the words that meant everything to me.

Dolly66
: I can feel ur sorrow baba … it is universal to feel like that … but understand u will not be in this position for long because … u will have a child … believe me when I say this

And believe I did. For once it was my turn to receive words of wisdom, comfort for the soul,
or was it a relentless assault on my sanity?
And there was more evidence to suggest the former to be true.

Dolly66
: vik … listen … I want u to read this

NEVER SAY GOODBYE WHEN U STILL WANT TO TRY ... NEVER GIVE UP WHEN U STILL CAN TAKE IT ... THE BRIGHTEST FUTURE WILL ALWAYS BE BASED 0N A FORGOTTEN PAST. YOU CANNOT GO ON WELL UNTIL U LET GO YOUR PAST AND NEVER WORRY ABOUT THE FUTURE, LIVE UR LIFE NOW

VikSin
: read it.

She was good, very, very good!

Dolly66
: WHEN ONE DOOR OF HAPPINESS CLOSES ANOTHER DOOR OPENS BUT OFTEN WE LOOK AT THE DOOR THAT IS CLOSED THAT WE DON’T SEE THE ONE THAT IS OPEN

OK

VikSin
: I wrote a letter to her parents … because … dolly has told them about this adoption thing and they are excited … what she did not tell them was … that I am pretty clear in my head that if the first one is adopted I will not have one of my own.

Dolly66
: hmm

VikSin
: because I don’t want the adopted kid to ever feel left out.

Sane words in times of insanity!

VikSin
: oh god ... please stop my tears for a few moments now ...

Rationality methodically stripped, drowned in tears, sorrow overwhelming sanity and insanity alike. And there was still more!

Dolly66
: baba believe in ur self … and believe in me … and believe in dolly

VikSin
: that is all that I have left ... my belief in u guys.

Dolly66
: good … do u believe in crystals?

She was good, very, very good!

VikSin
: yes I do. believe them.

Dolly66
: my dad does read them well … can I ask him to ask ur guardian angels?

VikSin:
yes u can ask him

Dolly66
: I am calling him on my hand phone

VikSin
: what ever u want to do ... told you ... I trust you ... with my life. what is left of it.

Dolly66
: wait ok

VikSin
: am here.

Dolly66
: and u go and wash ur face and get a cup of coffee

VikSin
: a cigarette is more like it … LOL … I’m ok ... really am.

She was good, very, very good!

And that day I wasn’t!

I changed.

For years, I had been the pillar of strength for my family and friends. It took just one woman to say the right words, turn the right screws and leave me weeping like a child. With my wife too there had been weak moments but then never had I wept so fervently. The only consolation was that this woman was on the Internet and could not actually see me.

The change did not restrict itself to events around my emotional state or me; it ran deeper - deep into my subconscious. The first real change was to come later that day when I logged off from chat.

I felt drained and yet there was peace. I could not comprehend it at that time. I guess my bottled-up emotions had found an outlet and that caused me fatigue. I felt like sleeping right then and there. It was a working day and I could not do that. I cannot remember when I lost the battle
,
succumbing to slumber in my chair and then having a very vivid dream.

I saw a woman in a white outfit, more like a gown. She had long hair, very wide eyes and a pointed nose. Her face shone but her eyes had a look of sadness in them. There were bags under her eyes as if she had forgotten how to sleep. Her hands reached to me. I wanted to go to her but could not. She remained there for what I thought was an eternity. I tried desperately to touch her and I just could not. When I gave up she seemed to drift away into space disappearing, consumed by the black void that she had earlier shone in.

I woke up with a start. I had been asleep for over an hour. My office has a very good air-conditioner and yet I was sweating. My thoughts hovered around the dream. It had been very vivid. Sweat clung to my skin and soon I started feeling cold. I had never seen this woman before. I did not know who she was or what she wanted from me. I could only see her hand reaching out to me, and I could not touch her.

I was sure I was hallucinating.

In parts of India, people believe that a dream during the daytime is a way of divining the future or more like the mind giving you clues about events that were about to take place. I just did not believe it then. I know now why that happened – after all it was another Monday that had rocked me. There was still more to come.

*

The chill that is running down my spine is very similar to the one that day. I want to stop, to retreat from reliving those ecstatic moments that gave birth to painful memories. But I have to face them. The Miracle about to happen was predicted by this woman; today, she is lost in the wilderness, unaware, and I am lost in rationality. This time the dragon will be slain.

Today I must, I have to.

I have to know the answer why, I have to believe in my sanity or insanity, joy or sorrow or whatever else there is that is left of my emotionally shattered self. I have to face my nemesis; I have to understand and move on. Life cannot be anchored at that point of time that still bewilders me. My body still trembling and my knees still weak, I must seek support from my creator friend, rest my tormented body to rest my tormented soul, for I want it tormented no more. This time the dragon will be slain.

10. The Picture Reader

MAA! – my soul continues to cry.

The pregnant ox, the barbers’ refuse and my hospital-smelling chair have suddenly become unbearable. It is in MAA that I always find solace, and my trembling body can only be calmed by her. If any angel walked in now I would surely look like one needing medical attention - breathless, sweating in a cold room, huddled in a chair, bewilderment haunting my eyes. My body is merely reacting to the storm within, to the trauma that had been bottled up effectively for so long.

No one sees me.

MAA does!

I have to muster courage to stare into the abyss, to plunge inside and retrieve the pearls of my sanity - if they are still around. I can only do it with her beside me.

And she comes, benevolent, loving, caring just as she has always been. I tremble at her feet, her gigantic form before my very eyes. Her form would scare the bravest, but to me she is my mother, the one who dispels darkness, the one who loves me and whose mere name calms me.

She reminds me that it had not all been bad, who points out the omnipresent silver lining to every dark cloud that ever threatened to destroy me, a small air-hole in the dark tower of life allowing me to breathe, to stay alive. With Dolly66 too there had been such moments. My transformation had not all been in vain; deep inside me a resurrection had taken place, a change that helped others understand their lives and experience peace, a change that helped me become more aware of the powerful force that I was born with. A beautiful butterfly emerged from the cocoon of my former self.

There was a benevolent side to the dragon, the one that comforted me long before it breathed fire to singe me. Thus I am steered to understand a different part of insanity, a warm life force calming my trembling body and soul and helping me to breathe normally.

*

Aviva had promised to send her picture to me. Reshma had already broken Marilyn’s rules, and then Marilyn herself had followed suit. The excitement of seeing a chat friend had also abated; yet there was a different kind of tingle at seeing yet another ID shed its anonymity and acquire a face. So it was when Aviva sent me her picture.

In chat we had discussed some of her problems most of them stemming from the North / South divide. I had asked her how she coped with it, and the chat had veered to spirituality.
She told me that her spirituality was dictated by the faith followed by her ancestors. They had been Hindus who had converted to Sikhism where they had vowed to discard idol worship, to believe in the teachings of the ten Gurus and where the men displayed their conversion by never shaving their beard or cutting their hair. The likes of these were scattered all over the globe and were quickly identified by a beard shrouding most of their face and a cloth turban wrapped around their head. Like all members of her faith, she visited the Gurudwara, the place of community worship and listened to the Gurubani - the ancient words of the gurus now recited by priests.
She was mildly curious about my spiritual bent of mind and did not probe me much.

The day her picture arrived in my Inbox she happened to be online too. She was soon in chat probing my thoughts about her picture. She was to get more than she bargained for, and I too would discover more than I ever dreamt of.

It began with amusement at the fact that here was a single woman seeking an opinion from a married stranger. To her I was a confidant and now referred to as brother. I viewed her picture and commented that it was nice, the picture of a simple girl with a glow in her eyes. She detected words that made sense to her, although they sounded like idle banter to me, and she probed further. I was in no mood to pass judgment on a stranger; yet the more I stared at her picture the more I sensed a vortex form, one that funneled images from the picture translating them into words inside my head. It was like I was being prompted by someone or something to say things that my conscious mind could not fathom. Before I knew it, I was relaying this on the Internet.

VikSin
: this picture was taken before u met this guy on the Net?

Axes26
: yes

VikSin
: ok hang on

Axes26
: ok

VikSin
: I will type my thoughts right now … u may acknowledge them if u wanna

Axes26
: ok

VikSin
: but don’t ask me questions till I allow u to ask me ok?

Axes26
: ok

I continued to stare, the vortex - a silvery cord connecting my brain to the image before me, spinning around its own axis faster than before, transmitting words that my hands were made to type.

VikSin
: u did not want this picture taken

Axes26
: yes

VikSin
: this picture was to be sent for a marriage proposal but

Axes26
: yes

VikSin
: at the time u did not know that … they told u after it was sent

Axes26
: yes

VikSin
: u have problems with a male member in the family … a brother or father

Axes26
: yes

Where were these words coming from?
My office room blurred as the silvery cord made the screen light up, and I was lost, a puppet in the hands of a master puppeteer, typing.

VikSin
: u r very close to a female member in the family … a sister or mother

Axes26
: yes

VikSin
: the match was not approved by yr mother

Axes26
: yes

Autopilot– puppet-typist, auto-god-knows-what.

VikSin
: today the problem is that u want to leave the house

Axes26
: yes

VikSin
: not for the guy but to make something of your life … u feel u r too dependent on the 
family n want to make something of your own life … u only wonder if yr love will understand this

Axes26
: yes

VikSin
: u want to ask me if u should talk to him about it

Axes26
: yes

VikSin
: he will understand but not now

Axes26
: why?

VikSin
: will tell u hang on

Axes26
: ok

VikSin
: u have an offer to leave the country … to work outside

Axes26
: yes

VikSin
: take it

Axes26
: WHAT?

VikSin
: take up the offer it will bring u peace of mind

Axes26
: vikram STOP … I cannot take it any more

I stopped. The silvery cord started to blur, the room trying hard to get back into focus, desperation trying to hand me control of my uncontrolled self.

VikSin
: what happened Aviva?

Axes26
: who are u, vikram?

VikSin
: what do u mean? U have known me for quite sometime now … who do u think I am?

Axes26
: I mean are u a person in Delhi who knows me?

VikSin
: Aviva, I am in Bombay even as I type … if u want me to prove it … I will

Axes26
: prove it

VikSin
: here is my Bombay number call me right now …

Axes26
: ok but as soon as u hear the phone ring pick it up and say … this is vikram singhal n nothing more

VikSin
: fine

Axes26
: give me the number

And I was back to being me.

I had two telephone lines in my office; I gave her the number that I was not using at that moment. Within thirty seconds, the telephone rang. I picked it up and said, ‘This is Vikram Singhal here.’ The line went dead.

She got back to the Net, explaining that she was at the Institute hence could not speak to me on the phone but was stunned at what she read, more stunned than I was at seeing my fingers type the words. She wanted an explanation. I had none.

I told her all about the Professor’s assessment of my birth time, Dolly’s trust in me, my belief that I was a mere mortal striving to lead a normal life assisted by my prayers and meditation. She could only add that no one would believe what had transpired; yet she had seen it first hand, seen me read from a picture thoughts that were locked away in the far recesses of her mind. We truly were destined to meet, and I was destined to have a sister, not of the same flesh, but definitely a part of the same maker, the same soul. When I switched off the computer, my head was pounding like a jackhammer mercilessly at work. My eyelids went heavy and I felt drained.

What had happened to me?

I lay back in my chair, the high back providing much needed support, and automatically my eyes closed.
My mind was numb, and the only thought at the forefront of all others was the one that was firmly glued to the chat with my ‘virtual’ sister.

How did I know what to type?

Comfortable in my chair, a cool breeze circulating around me, a bright light was all that my closed eyes saw. In this light I felt peace, a lot of peace. The glow was from within, definitely not from any known source near me. Like a lot of unexplained phenomena around me, the light was there; I could sense it, could feel it, was bathed in it and yet could not see it.

Like MAA!

My faith in MAA, the anxiety of a child, the turmoil at work and the solitude had spurred me to pray more, to meditate more. My orthodox upbringing, the books I read, and the plethora of literature I came across on the Net made me believe that there was a higher power. Theory turned to reality because today I had seen it work for me.

I was no saint. I was no holy man. I was a mere mortal trudging the wheel of life. With every trial I stood, I turned to MAA for assistance. I got through them with what can only be defined as divine intervention. I found it strange that although my worldly problems had not yet been solved here I was reading the mind of a person I had never met in my entire life, our only contact being through the Internet. This was only the first time I had been able to do this but certainly not the last.

As a staunch believer in science, I had to be cynical and wary of miracles. I had to know that what happened that day was no quirk of fate, no fluke, no magician’s trick conjured by a hyperactive mind. The opportunity was to come in the form of Molly and her family pictures.

Molly had sent pictures of Panda, the kids and her home. Without revealing details of my interaction with Aviva I told Molly that I believed I could read them. She was not cynical, not sarcastic, but definitely curious. Her pictures did not show her eyes, and she was not overly concerned about the children, her focus being the center of her universe, Panda. Late one evening when we were in chat she asked me for a reading. Science was putting me to the test once more.

I stared at the picture on my screen. It showed a man in his early 40s with a flowing beard. He was sitting next to a young girl who I knew was his daughter. The picture was one that was taken impromptu, as it was evident that they had not posed for it. His intense eyes made me jump. They had an ethereal glow in them. It could have been the flashlight reflecting back, but to me the glow spoke through the eyes of the man who possessed them. The vortex formed again, spinning faster and faster into a silvery thread connecting me to the picture, transforming images to words, my fingers in the hands of a master puppeteer typing, once again.

VikSin
: the eyes belong to a very noble man.

AlfaRomeo66
: yes

VikSin
: it is almost like this man shows you the tip of the iceberg only … his soul is very deep rooted.

AlfaRomeo66
: yes he says if he showed his true self to me I would not understand

VikSin
: there is a reason why he says this

AlfaRomeo66
: what?

VikSin
: the soul of this man is not from the west … we Hindus believe in re-incarnation

AlfaRomeo66
: the church does not but I am open to accepting that

VikSin
: his eyes r that of a sage … a very learned man … very good with words

AlfaRomeo66
: he has written some poetry for me … n I love what he writes … def a poet

VikSin
: he is not very attached to material wants … he desires more

AlfaRomeo66
: sort of, yes

VikSin
: he is way past casual sex … n hunger

AlfaRomeo66
: strange that u say this … will remember to tell u something after u finish

VikSin
: yes, he does not eat much although he is very healthy

AlfaRomeo66
: I agree

VikSin
: his breathing is very calm … almost like he measures it