Sentence of Marriage (63 page)

‘I didn’t!’ Amy wailed.

Susannah seemed surprised at the interruption. ‘You didn’t what? What are you talking about?’

‘I didn’t have chloroform.’

‘No? What did they use, then?’

‘Nothing! She wouldn’t give me anything.’ The words came out in gasps as Amy relived the agony.

‘Are you telling me you didn’t have anything to stop the pain?’ Susannah said slowly.

‘She said she wouldn’t waste chloroform on me because I’m a bad girl. She wanted me to remember it. So I wouldn’t do it again.’ Amy’s shoulders heaved with dry sobs.

Susannah sank heavily onto the chair beside her. ‘I didn’t know. Amy, I swear I didn’t know they’d do that to you. That woman must be mad. She shouldn’t be trusted with girls.’

‘I thought I was going to die. The—’ Amy stopped and took a gulp of air, ‘the baby wouldn’t come out. There wasn’t room. I had to push and push, and I couldn’t any more.’ She licked her dry lips to moisten them. ‘Then the woman said she’d bring a man to pull my insides out with bits of metal if I didn’t push.’ She gave a convulsive shudder at the memory. ‘So I had to push. I thought I was going to die. I thought I was being ripped in half.’

‘Shh, Amy, that’s enough. It’s a horrible, horrible thing that happened, but it’s all over. You should try and forget about it. Talking will bring it all back to you.’

‘And then she was there. My baby. My beautiful little girl. All warm and soft and nuzzling up to me. She lay in my arms and trusted me. She trusted me! And I gave her away. They just took her one day. I never said goodbye to her.’

‘Oh, God, you got attached to it. I thought they’d take it straight away so that wouldn’t happen. It would be a little girl, wouldn’t it? Why couldn’t you have had an ugly boy?’ Susannah placed a hand awkwardly on Amy’s shoulder. ‘Amy, listen to me.’ When Amy made no response, Susannah shook her gently. ‘Listen! You gave her away for her own good. Because you wanted her to have a better life. You know that really, don’t you?’

Amy turned to look at her, and saw Susannah wince at what she met in Amy’s eyes. Susannah’s voice shook as she spoke. ‘If you hadn’t given her away, you’d have to leave her with me when you get married. I’ll be honest with you, Amy, I’d have trouble loving your baby. Oh, I’d try to do my best by her, but I don’t want three children under three years old to look after. And every time I had a disagreement with your father he’d blame me for the fact that the baby was born at all. It’s for the best this way, Amy, really it is.’

‘Do you think they’ll look after her?’ Amy pleaded.

‘I’m sure of it. Now, I think you’d better have a lie-down until lunch-time. I don’t want your father seeing you like this, he’ll think I’ve upset you. Come on.’ Susannah helped Amy from her chair and into her bedroom. ‘You just stay here quietly for a while—read a book or something.’ She looked hard at Amy. ‘You’re really not very well yet, are you?’

‘I just seem to get so tired, that’s all,’ Amy said, searching in a drawer for a clean handkerchief.

‘Hmm. It’s going to take you a little while to come right, I think.’ Susannah made to leave, then turned back. ‘Amy, your father doesn’t know, does he? About how cruel that woman was to you?’

‘No.’

‘Don’t tell him, please. He’d only blame me for it. He’s quite difficult enough these days, since he got so bossy, without him having that to abuse me with. Anyway, it would only upset him.’

‘I won’t tell him. What’s the use?’

*

Susannah closed the door on Amy and returned to the kitchen. She was shelling Amy’s abandoned peas when Jack came in.

‘Where’s the girl?’ he asked, looking around the room.

‘She’s having a lie-down. I told her she should.’

‘So you’re taking a bit of care of her at last. That’s good.’

‘Don’t be so nasty to me all the time, Jack. Sit down and listen for a minute.’

Jack sat at the table and fiddled idly with an empty pea pod, wondering what Susannah was going to complain about now. Though she didn’t look as though she wanted to moan about anything. In fact she looked as though something had genuinely upset her. ‘What do you want to tell me?’

‘Amy… well, I suppose you could say she unburdened herself to me just now. She had quite a hard time of it, bearing that child. I don’t think she’s going to be strong again for a while yet.’

‘Do you think there’s been damage done to her?’

‘Oh, no, I shouldn’t think so. I’m sure she’ll still be a good breeder, if that’s what you’re getting at. She should be her old self again in a couple of months. But I do think it will take another two months, Jack. She’s not going to be ready to get married in the New Year.’

‘Charlie won’t be too pleased about that.’

‘I expect not. Does that matter?’

‘Of course it doesn’t, not if it’s the best for Amy. I’ll tell him he’s got to wait till February. Do you think that’s why she looks so miserable all the time? Because she’s still a bit crook?’

‘That’s part of it.’

‘She’s pining for the child, isn’t she?’

‘I’m afraid so. She got attached to it.’

‘I thought as much. She couldn’t so much as look at a baby in Auckland without getting weepy. It’s hard on her, Susannah.’

‘Well, there’s only one way she’s going to get over it. As soon as she’s got another baby she’ll be fine again—she’ll forget this one for good.’

Jack sighed. ‘I expect you’re right. I hope he can give her one quickly, then.’

Susannah gave a little laugh. ‘What a silly thing to say! We had two babies in two years, and you could give Charlie a few years.’

‘That’s true enough. Oh well, I’ll go over this afternoon and see him. Early February, you think? Will she be well enough by then?’

‘Early February should be just right. It’ll give me more time to get her clothes organised, too.’

‘What clothes? She’s got plenty of clothes, hasn’t she?’

‘Women’s clothes, of course. She can hardly wear pinafores any more, can she? She can probably let down some of her dresses, but I’ll have to get her properly fitted for a corset.’

‘Grown-up clothes.’ Jack was silent while he wondered how it could all have happened so quickly. ‘She’s grown up too fast.’

‘Now, Jack, please don’t start on about that sort of thing again. Not when we’ve got everything sorted out so well for Amy.’

*

Amy woke on the fourth of February and wondered what was different about this day. She could see the sunshine through cracks in her drapes, and she could hear birds singing. So why did she have such a feeling of foreboding? Awareness rushed in on her. Today she was going to get married.

She rose and dressed, struggling with the laces of her uncomfortable new corset. She still found it difficult to lace herself in, but she was determined to manage by herself. From today Susannah would not be there to pull the laces tight, and the thought of asking Charlie to help with them left Amy cold.

She was torn between wanting the day to be over as quickly as possible and wishing the afternoon would never come. She looked around her family at the breakfast table, and felt as if she were never going to see them again.
That’s silly
.
I’ll only be next door. I’ll be able to come and see them whenever I want
. But she was unable to shake off a deep sense of loss.

Jack was at his most hearty. ‘So the big day’s come at last,’ he said. ‘Getting excited, girl?’

‘Sort of, Pa,’ Amy said, wondering if the fluttering in her stomach counted as excitement.

‘Now, don’t got on about it, Jack,’ Susannah reproved. ‘Amy’s probably a little nervous. All young brides are. I remember I was.’

Harry muttered something under his breath that might have been a curse. ‘What was that, boy?’ Jack asked.

‘Nothing. I’d better go and get that milk to the factory.’

‘Don’t be all day about it, either,’ Jack said. ‘We’ve got to get some work done before lunch, what with us all going into town this afternoon for the wedding.’

‘I’m not coming.’

‘What do you mean, you’re not coming? It’s your sister’s wedding!’

‘I’m not going to pretend I’m happy about Amy being given to that… I’m sorry, Amy, I’m not coming.’

Amy looked at her plate. ‘That’s all right, Harry. Don’t come if you don’t want to.’

‘Funny way for a brother to carry on,’ Jack muttered.

The morning dragged wearily on. Amy tried to keep herself occupied with cooking and cleaning, but her thoughts kept returning to the thing that was to happen that afternoon. When Lizzie called in, Amy was unsure whether to be grateful for the distraction or wary of what her cousin might have to say.

‘Come for a little walk,’ Lizzie coaxed. ‘Just for a few minutes.’ She persuaded Amy out of the kitchen and away from Susannah’s wary gaze.

‘Lizzie, don’t say anything silly,’ Amy said when they were safely away from the house. ‘I’m glad you came, because I mightn’t be able to see you again for a while. I expect I’ll be busy getting used to everything. So let’s just have a nice little time together.’

‘All right,’ Lizzie agreed reluctantly. ‘Amy, are you sure you don’t want me to come to your wedding?’

‘I’ve already told you, it’s not the sort of wedding people come to. We’ll just be saying a few words in the courthouse, that’s all. Even Harry’s not coming. You don’t think it’s anything to celebrate, anyway.’

‘I don’t think it’s fair you’re only having a courthouse wedding. Why can’t you have a proper wedding with a minister and everything?’

Amy sighed. ‘No one’s exactly said why. Pa just said it’s for the best. But I think it’s because bad girls like me aren’t meant to mock the church by getting married in front of the altar.’

‘It’s not fair. What about that Tilly Carr? She was nearly bursting out of her dress, she was that far gone when she got married.’

‘That’s different. She didn’t let her man get away, did she?’

‘Yes she did! Mr Carr had to go chasing off to Tauranga to catch him and bring him back.’

‘Oh, I’d forgotten that. So he did. Well, Tilly didn’t let him get away very far, then.’

‘Humph! It’s the only way she could get a husband at all.’

‘It doesn’t matter, Lizzie. I’d rather have it this way, with no fuss. It’ll all be over much faster.’

‘Amy, I know you don’t want to hear this, but I’m going to say it anyway. It’s the last chance I’ll have. You don’t have to go through with this. No, shut up and listen for a minute. I want you to remember when you’re standing there, until you say “I will”, or whatever you say at courthouse weddings, you’re not married. And no one can make you say it. Remember that, Amy.’

Amy was quiet for some time. ‘You’ve said what you wanted to, Lizzie,’ she answered at last. ‘Now let’s talk about something else.’

*

Susannah helped Amy into the blue silk dress, its hem newly lowered, then piled her hair into a heavy mass on the back of her head. ‘Your hair is so thick,’ Susannah remarked. ‘It’s quite hard to pin.’ She placed Amy’s beautiful Auckland hat on top of the tamed curls and stood back to see the effect. ‘Lovely,’ she pronounced. ‘You are going to make a very pretty bride. Look at yourself.’ She pointed Amy towards the mirror.

Amy stared at her reflection. With her hair pinned up and the new angles her face had developed in the last few months, her image no longer looked familiar. And yet in a way it did. Her eyes drifted from the mirror to the photograph beside it, and she realised where the familiarity came from. She had her mother’s face now. The only thing missing was her mother’s smile.

As soon as she saw her father’s expression, Amy knew he could see the resemblance, too. ‘Beautiful,’ he said in a voice that shook. ‘You’re beautiful.’ He recovered himself. ‘Well, we’d better get moving. We don’t want to keep your intended waiting too long—not that it’ll hurt him to wait a bit! Are you coming, John?’ he asked, quite unnecessarily as John was already wearing his suit. ‘You’re not wandering off in a huff like your brother did?’

‘I’m coming,’ John said.

John took the reins and Amy sat beside him, while Jack and Susannah settled onto the back seat with their children squashed between them. Amy was glad the tide meant they had to take the inland track. Today she did not want to see the ocean holding out its false promises of escape.

‘The
Staffa
’s just got in,’ Jack commented when they crossed the bridge into Ruatane. ‘There’re a few strangers about.’

The courthouse was on the road that led from the bridge to the wharf, and Amy could see that the town was busier than usual. She looked at the people milling about without any real interest. For a moment she thought she caught a glimpse of a familiar tall, lean figure, but when she looked again there was no one but a middle-aged couple from the steamer. Her imagination was playing cruel tricks.

Charlie’s grey gelding was tied to the hitching rail outside the courthouse. John tethered their own horses before the Leiths made their way into the small, wooden building. He caught Amy’s arm at the foot of the steps up to the doorway, and pulled her aside for a moment.