Sentence of Marriage (42 page)

‘No. I don’t want anything to eat, thank you. I just want to be by myself.’ The last word came out raggedly as she began to lose the battle to stay calm.

‘All right.’ Susannah went out, closing the door behind her.

Amy took off her dress and unpinned the brooch from her chemise. She climbed under the covers and held the brooch tightly in her hand until the sharp edges of the ‘A’ bit into her flesh. She stared at the ceiling with dry eyes. Now that she was alone in the silence of her room the tears refused to come.

Why, Jimmy? Why have you left me? Why did you run away from me? Did I do something wrong? Did I upset you? I tried to do what you wanted. I thought I was pleasing you. You always seemed happy. Why don’t you want me any more? What am I going to do now?
The empty room held no answer.

An hour later Amy heard the door open quietly, and she closed her eyes. ‘She’s asleep,’ she heard Susannah say. ‘Leave her alone, she’ll feel better when she’s had a rest.’

‘It’s not like Amy to take to her bed,’ said Jack. ‘She must feel really crook.’

‘Young girls get like this. I used to have terrible problems at her age. Don’t worry about her, she’ll be all right. Don’t disturb her, Jack.’

Amy recognised her father’s heavy tread as he tried to cross the floor on tiptoe. She sensed him leaning over her, then he planted the softest of kisses on her cheek. ‘Poor little thing,’ he murmured. ‘I don’t like to see her feeling bad.’ He retraced his steps to the passage. They closed the door and left her alone once again.

Hot tears welled up in her eyes and fell down her cheeks at the concern and affection in her father’s voice.
What’ll Pa say when I tell him what I’ve done? Maybe he won’t love me any more. Jimmy doesn’t love me any more. What am I going to do?
She sobbed into her pillow until she was weak and ill from weeping, then lay quietly till she had gathered enough strength to weep again. Amy had never in her short life even imagined that she could feel so alone and frightened.

She again pretended to be asleep when Susannah came to call her for dinner, knowing that her face would betray her misery. Susannah closed the drapes and left her in peace. In the middle of the night, when the house was silent, Amy got out of bed and made her way to her dressing table by the small amount of moonlight that crept through cracks between the drapes. Her reflection in the mirror was no more than a pattern of shadows. She opened a drawer and fumbled in it until she felt the softness of her blue velvet ribbon. She nestled the brooch into the ribbon and closed the drawer on it. Her hand was tender where the brooch had dug into it.

I’ve got to tell Pa. I’ll tell him soon. I’ll tell him when it’s the right time
.

*

Amy shivered from the chill of the June morning as she stood in front of the mirror, looking anxiously at her profile. She had swollen noticeably in the two months since learning of Jimmy’s desertion. She now left off all but one petticoat to reduce her bulk, and the fullness of her pinafore gave good camouflage. When she had to put on a good dress to go to church she complained of the cold and kept her cloak wound around her, but she knew her smart dress (last winter’s one, serving an extra term) would not fit for much longer. The blue silk gown, with its figure-hugging lines, hung undisturbed in her wardrobe; she had fobbed Susannah off by saying the dress was too beautiful to be worn every Sunday.

As she did each morning, she silently rehearsed various ways of breaking the news to her father. None of them ever seemed right.
Would today be a good time to tell Pa? No, he seemed so tired last night, and Susannah was grumpy about Tommy getting his clothes all muddy. She’s probably been growling to Pa about it. I’ll tell him soon. Maybe tomorrow
. Then she steeled herself to face the world for another day with a calm face.

Jack had commented on Amy’s silence for the first week or so, but now he hardly seemed to notice that his daughter rarely said more than a word or two at any meal. Little Thomas babbled away freely, making mealtimes noisy enough without any contribution from Amy.

The heavy work of scrubbing was becoming difficult, now that bending over needed extra care. She struggled her way through it, then went out of the house to sit on a stump, out of sight of the house and Susannah’s prying eyes. It was the safest way to spend the rest of the morning until it was time to start making lunch. The only drawback was that it gave her too much time to think. Thinking meant seeing Jimmy’s face again, smiling at her; hearing his voice again, saying he loved her; feeling his touch, remembering once again how that had made her respond.

‘There you are!’ Lizzie’s voice broke into her thoughts. ‘Fancy sitting outside in this cold weather. I think it’s going to rain later, too.’

‘It’s fine right now. I like being by myself.’

‘You’re not reading.’

‘No. I don’t read much any more. I can’t seem to concentrate properly.’

‘Why not?’

‘I don’t know. I just can’t.’

‘Oh. Reading’s a waste of time, anyway. Are you all right, Amy?’

‘Of course I am. Don’t talk about me, what have you been doing?’

‘You’ve got so quiet lately. Ever since Jimmy left—no, more recent than that,’ Lizzie said thoughtfully. ‘You were fine for a while, then you went funny.’

‘I’m not funny. I don’t want to talk about me, I’m not very interesting. How’s Frank?’

‘What is it, Amy? Why don’t you want to talk about Jimmy any more? Don’t you like him now?’

Amy choked back a sob and turned it into a cough. ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’

‘You said you’d tell me. You said he’d come back, then you’d tell me all about it. Amy, I stopped asking questions about what you were doing with him because you got funny about it—’

‘Don’t start again. I won’t tell you.’

‘No, I am going to ask you. I’ve said nothing about it for months, just watched you get quieter and quieter. At first you seemed so sure he was coming back and everything would be all right. I thought you must be going to get married.’

‘So did I.’ Amy was suddenly too weary to fight back the tears.

Lizzie sat down and slipped her arm around Amy. ‘And now he’s not going to?’

Amy shook her head. She held herself rigid within the curve of Lizzie’s arm, trying to keep hold of her remaining shreds of self-control. ‘He’s gone. He’s gone away and left me. He doesn’t want me any more.’ When the words were out her strength seemed to go with them. She let Lizzie put both arms around her and hold her close as her body shook with sobs.

Lizzie held her in silence until the sobs had died down into quieter weeping. ‘So he had his little romance, and now he’s gone back to the city, eh? And he made you think he wanted to marry you. I never did trust him. I never thought he was good enough for you.’ She leaned forward till she was looking into Amy’s face, but Amy looked down at her lap, refusing to meet her cousin’s eyes. ‘You’ll just have to forget about him, Amy.’

‘No. I can’t.’

‘Yes you can. Pretend you never met him. He’s hurt you, but it’s all over now.’

‘No it’s not, Lizzie. It’s not over.’ The burden of her secret was intolerably heavy, and she ached to share it. She raised her eyes. ‘I’m going to have a baby.’

She felt Lizzie’s body jolt against hers. ‘You’re what?’

‘I’m going to have a baby.’ She studied Lizzie’s face, half expecting to see disgust. Instead, she saw disbelief turning into anger.

‘Did he know?’ Lizzie asked. Amy nodded. ‘And that’s why he ran away. That snake! How could he do that to you?’ Amy had no answer to that question; she had asked it of herself many times. ‘Well, aren’t they going to bring him back and make him marry you? Auckland’s not as far away as all that—they must know where he lives. Of course they do, it’s Susannah’s family.’

‘He’s not in Auckland. He’s gone to Australia.’

‘Australia! That’s much too far for anyone to go and get him!’ Lizzie fell silent, absorbing the momentous news. ‘I’ve been so stupid,’ she said at last.

‘You? You haven’t done anything wrong, Lizzie.’

‘Yes I have. I never trusted him, but I let that go on under my nose and did nothing about it. I should have noticed. I should have stopped it.’

‘It’s my fault, not yours.’

‘Of course it’s not your fault!’ Lizzie rounded on her, eyes flashing. ‘He was so clever and charming, he had you wrapped around his little finger in five minutes. I couldn’t expect you to see through him. I should have seen what he was up to.’

‘How could you see it when you don’t know anything about what goes on between men and women?’

‘I should have enough sense to know a villain when I see one.’ Lizzie shook her head in disgust. ‘Well, I didn’t. What did your pa say?’

‘He doesn’t know.’

‘What?’ She looked closely at Amy’s abdomen, stretching the dress flat over the flesh. ‘But you’re starting to get big. I must have been blind as well as stupid not to notice. Amy, you’ve got to tell him.’

‘I know. I will, I just haven’t found the right time yet.’

‘You’re frightened to, aren’t you? But you’re going to make it worse the longer you leave it.’

‘It’s hard, Lizzie. Pa’s going to be so hurt.’

‘Do you want me to come with you? If it’s too hard for you, I’ll tell him myself. Would that be better? You can just stand there and listen, or you can stay out here if you want.’

‘No. Thank you, Lizzie, you’re being lovely to me. Much better than I deserve. But it’s my responsibility, I’ve got to do it myself.’

‘Do it soon, Amy. It’ll be worse if they just notice. Susannah’s had babies, she’s sure to notice before long.’

‘I’ll tell them soon. Maybe tomorrow.’

‘Why not today?’

‘Not today. It doesn’t feel like the right time. Maybe tomorrow.’ Amy rose from the stump and shook the creases out of her dress. ‘I’ve got to go and make lunch now. You’d better go home.’

‘Wash your face first, it’s all red from crying. Shall I come and see you tomorrow? Oh, I can’t—Frank’s coming for lunch.’ She frowned. ‘Maybe I could come anyway.’

‘No, you mustn’t spoil your day with Frank. I’ve done enough harm without that. You enjoy your lunch and forget about me.’

‘I won’t be able to forget about you. I might come the next day. Amy, please tell Uncle Jack soon.’

‘I will.’
As soon as it’s the right time
.

*

It was an unusually thoughtful Lizzie who returned to her own home that morning, and she was still subdued when Frank arrived for lunch the next day.

‘Cat got your tongue, Lizzie?’ her father asked, helping himself to more potatoes.

‘What? Oh, I was just thinking.’

‘Makes a change from talking. Watch out, Frank, my daughter’s plotting something.’ Lizzie was too wrapped up in her thoughts to take any notice of his attempts at humour.

‘Jessie’s had a foal, Frank,’ Bill said when they had finished eating. ‘Do you want to come and see it? They’re in the paddock across the creek.’

‘All right,’ Frank said. His eyes met Lizzie’s, and cast a questioning look.

‘I’ll come too,’ Lizzie said. ‘I haven’t seen that foal yet. Leave those dishes, Ma, I’ll help you with them when I get back.’

Bill stopped when the three of them were halfway between the house and the Waituhi stream. ‘You know where it is, Lizzie, why don’t I let you show Frank yourself? I’ll just be having a look at the turnips in the next paddock, give me a yell if you want me for anything.’

‘Thanks, Bill,’ Lizzie said. She knew her honour was safe with Frank, but she was grateful for her brother’s solicitude.

‘I meant if Frank wanted me,’ Bill said with a grin, ignoring Lizzie’s indignant scowl as he strolled away from them. Well, it didn’t matter if Bill was making fun of them, he had done her a favour anyway. A chance to be alone with Frank was just what she wanted.

*

Frank walked beside her, wondering what he could have done to make Lizzie so quiet. Had he said something stupid? He always seemed to be saying something stupid; at least, people always seemed to be laughing at him, which was just as bad. Maybe she was getting tired of that. ‘Lizzie,’ he said, ‘do you want me to stop coming around so much?’

‘What?’ Lizzie jerked her head around as though she had forgotten he was there. ‘Of course I don’t. Why do you say that?’

‘Well, you’re so quiet today. I thought you might be annoyed… or just bored with me.’

‘Bored? Of course I’m not bored. Don’t be stupid, Frank, do you think I want someone like… I mean… Oh, forget it.’

‘So you still want me to come around?’

‘Yes, I do.’ She gave him a sidelong glance. ‘I think Pa’s getting a bit worried, though.’

‘Why?’

‘Oh, he said something about you coming around so much without making your intentions clear. I’m not sure what he meant exactly.’

Frank’s heart sank as he pictured Arthur questioning him over those ‘intentions’. What would he say if Arthur asked what he wanted from Lizzie? He liked being with her. She was fun, and she made him feel good. Her father mightn’t think that was enough.