Seeking Nirvana (16 page)

“Yeah, yeah…go on. Do you want me to
stop the movie?”

“Nah, I’ve seen it a million times. I won’t miss much.”

Volume down rather low, I was able to overhear him humming to himself while approaching the stairs. I took another sip of wine and crossed my legs when my robe fell open a little, offering a view of the marred flesh of my thighs. They were so sensitive now, no thanks to Walker resting against them for most of the day. I softly smoothed over each one in turn while my brow crumpled and my face gave into a degree of despondency.

So many questions that I still s
ought the answers to, so many emotions which were blazing through my mind and heart, that had no cause to be present. Hopeful that my problems would be ousted along with a weighted sigh, I conceded to the gush of air as my lungs shunted it, allowing it to pass through puckered lips. Still, I felt entirely confounded.

A heavy, yet gentle hand settling on my shoulder pulled me from my depressed musings. I peeked up
to my left and offered a tightlipped, faux smile.

“What’s the matter, darlin’?” He folded and lowered his body to meet me on the carpet.

I shook my head wistfully. Be that as it may, he pressed on the issue of my changing demeanor.

As
eager eyes mined into my head, I twisted to rest on my left hip and knotted my fingers in my lap. His arm was resting on the seat of the couch behind us, lightly working his fingers through the roots of my hair, while I searched what remained of my memory bank in an ill-fated attempt to explain.

“I’m
trying so hard to come to terms with everything…” I sucked in a lungful of oxygen, and lifted my head to meet his mesmerizing regard. “Did you ever have a posh family relative?”

His brow shot up. “What? Me? No, darlin’,” he sniggered.

“Before Dad built up the business, we used to go to my aunt’s, and I remember always having this fisted feeling of nervousness whenever we went there. I was too scared to sit on the sofa, or eat a cookie just in case I accidentally dropped a crumb on the floor.”

A strand of hair was twisted around his finger. “And why are you thinking about that now?”

“That notion of being a disappointment, a calamity, resurfaces whenever I’m with Liam. I don’t know why, but…I don’t feel this”––I drew an invisible line between our bodies––“degree of ease and contentment, which I feel with you. And it’s scaring the shit out of me.”

“Kady,” he sighed. “Time changes a person. You’ve lost three years; a lot can change in a year, never mind three. You’re seeing Liam for how time has affected him. I think when the
changes are subtle and over a period, you fall into that cycle and it becomes the norm. You have no recollections of it…so now, it’s basically slapping you right in the face.”

Maybe he was right. I cleared my throat.
“I feel like everything I want to say––want to ask––is going to get me scolded. I can’t be open and honest. I’ve found things that need clarifications to let go of, but…”

“But?”
his eyes pleaded with me to continue as I once again was set adrift. “Kady,” he pushed my hair back, prompting a full-on view of my oval face. His hands were warm against my cheeks as he held me steady, our foreheads almost touching. “I would never, ever criticize anybody. I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of judgment. You can tell me, darlin’. What have you found?”

My gaze, along with my head plummeted.
After a spell had lapsed, I cautiously lifted my gaze and nodded. He acknowledged my instruction as I gestured to the couch. Promptly unfolded his body, he perched himself on the left side of the white and gold trimmed sofa.

I
folded my body over the overstuffed arm and flicked on the Grecian styled, pillar table lamp, prior to raking my hand through my blond locks.

With Walker pressed back and sinking into the lavish cushions,
I was reassured once again that he would never judge. That alone gave me the confidence to lift my right leg, and set my foot on the smooth, padded arm. His intense eyes burned like a blue flame when he watched me gather the satin in my hand, and hitch it up carefully. The span of my entire leg exposed, I held my robe and garment safely between my legs, so I wasn’t exposing anything additional.

Licking his lips with
a rapid sweep of his tongue, his eyes were still transfixed to my own.

Aware of wrinkles deepening in my forehead and around my mouth, my lips twitched infinitesimally.
I sniffled. “The rest are on my other thigh. There are thirteen in total,” I mumbled through immense humiliation.

Under my scrutiny, his eyes deviated from mine, as
he shifted in the seat, pushing himself forward a fraction. Although he wasn’t touching me, I sensed his heat stroking the flawed flesh as the tips of his fingers hovered a millimeter over each round scar in turn.

“I don’t know where they came from, Walker. And I’m too scared to ask him.”

Eyes screwed themselves shut. He clamped his teeth down into his pale, molded lip, sucking up rapid, exacting breaths through his nostrils. Suspended in mid-air, my attention came to rest upon his hand which, only seconds ago, were drifting over my skin. Now, it was balled into a tight fist, his knuckles bloodless, while the straining hand trembled, causing his sweater to quiver. It was like he was fighting something. Teeth scrapped along his lip, his eyes darted up to mine, and the Indian Ocean wasn’t so bright and flawless any longer. The veins and tendons in his neck were working furiously.

H
e opened his mouth as if to speak, but the moment was broken when I overheard a piercing voice hollering, “Oh, my goodness,” which was followed by shuffling.

I lifted my head.

Fuck, I totally forgot to draw the drapes or close the blinds. And now, Mrs. Steinbeck was hauling her stumpy form down my steps, and scuffling up the path, with what I could only presume, was the objective to tell on me.

“Fuck!”

“Don’t tell me that was––”

“Mrs. I Don’t Have Enough Excitement in My Own Life I need To Dip My Nose in Other Peoples?” I swung my leg off the arm, setting it firmly onto the floor. “I’m in so much shit.”

Walker
forcing himself out of the cushions and raising to full height, had me staggering backward. A strong arm hooked around my waist stopped me from tumbling over the glass top coffee table. “Careful there, darlin’,” he joked. The top of my robe parted, offering a sight of the lace frill over the cups of my negligée and some of the golden flesh of my cleavage. His wandering gaze ignited my body, the corner of his mouth shifted, the left dimple returned. Resuming eye contact, his were many shades darker than what was deemed appropriate.

My body was pulled flat against his, his damn muscular thigh nestled between my legs once again, for the umpteenth time
that day.

“Thank you,” I responded while I found my feet. His arm
reluctantly dropped from my waist. “What are we going to do? Liam will blow a gasket.”

Calloused hands framed my panicked face. “It’s okay, don’t worry, Kady. It’ll be fine,” he reassured. However, I knew better.

“No, Walker, you have to go. If she calls him”––I pointed in the direction of the door––“then he’s going to be on the next flight back, and I…”

Hands brushed my hair back before
resettling on the side of my face in a forceful clutch as he frantically searched my eyes. “Kady, it’s not our problem if Mrs. Battleax spews information without knowing the facts. We haven’t done anything wrong. It. Will. Be. Fine.” He enunciated clearly, totally unperturbed.

Haven’t done anything wrong?
Really? Because the feelings that had been stirring inside of me for weeks, the visual that successfully brought me to orgasm that very morning, sure tells me that I had done something very, very wrong.

“No,” my head flailed to press my point. “Walker, I don’t want him to hurt you. Please. You
need to go.”

His smiling at my erratic state wasn’t helping. My heart was beating ruthlessly, while the butterflies in my gut
were overdosed on my gushing adrenaline. “I am not leaving you, Kady. It’s what”––he shrugged––“a fourteen, fifteen hour flight from Tokyo? Not to mention booking an available flight.”

“I still don’t want to risk it.
You already hate each other and I don’t want him hurting you.” Just the mere thought of Walker getting hurt made me feel ill.

His face turned serious. I could literally see the hamster running his wheel ragged in his head, while his jaw worked at a million miles an hour.
“Neither do I.”

I scowled. “
So then, you’ll go.”

His scoff didn’t do anything to bring me inner peace; it made me even angrier. How could he act like that? He knew there was a chance he’d end up hurt, he just point blank admitted to me that, that was
something he didn’t want. “Kady, do what you like to me darlin’, but I am not leaving you here on your own. If you want me to go, then you’re coming with me.”

He was out of his mind.
Why on Earth would I do that? Yes, I felt cautious around Liam, like I was walking on eggshells, but if I left with him, surely that would scream a guilty verdict. I had to somehow defuse the situation to make sure no one would get harmed. And by no one, I meant Walker; I knew Liam could take care of himself. Going with him was a sure way to set about a looming World War III. I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t do it.

“No,” I sai
d definitively, my eyes cooling. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Then neither am I, darlin’
.” Hand at the back of my head, he pulled me into his body. I rested in the valley between his bulging pectorals. Feeling his mouth on my head, he muttered into my hair, “Neither am I.”

We set about watching the end of the movie. Well, Walker did. I was as jumpy as a jackrabbit. Every car I heard passing, every light I noticed from the corner of my eye had me up and
snooping out the bay window. I think Walker was getting peeved with my anxious behavior because he eventually hauled himself up, and with a great sigh and a heavy hand, wrenched the drapes shut.

Like that was going to bring an end to my anxiety
. I sniggered at the situation. I had to, if I didn’t, I was certain I was going to cry, and there was no way was I going to allow Walker to see me cry.

Credits rolling, I took my final gulp of warmed, cheap white wine from the glass which I
was positive cost more than the bottle. I hinted that I was going to call it a night. Although being as stubborn as a mule, he simply shrugged and informed me that he would get a blanket from the closet and sleep on the couch.

“You can’t do that,
Walker. It’s not necessary.” I tightened my robe.

“I am not leaving you alone when you are this anxious, darlin’. It’s not happening.”

“For the love of God,” I flung my arms in the air, allowing them to connect with the top of my head as I clawed through my tresses. “I’m in the state
because you’re here
and I don’t––”

“You already said that.” His eyes, along with his slow, menacing prowl was screaming temptation and sex. See, this was why I knew that we were doing something
very wrong. If we weren’t, then I wouldn’t be having these thoughts. A delightful shudder had my body bowing as strong hands clamped down on my shoulders. “But it’s not going to change my answer, darlin’.”

“You are so unreasonable,
” I grimaced, stomping out of the room and up the stairs, with his delectable ass in tow.

“Right you
are, darlin’. Right you are.”

The dim glow from the bedside light pierced through the darkness, eradicating some of the shadows that dwelled in the corners.
Hissy fit still in full swing, I tread heavily around the bed, wrenching the heavy, cream satin drapes closed before going to take care of bedtime routine.

When I’d finished taking care of business, I flipped the en-suite light off and plodded myself onto the bed, trying extra hard not to slide off with all the slippery satin.
When I hastily pulled my bedside drawer open to recover my hand-cream, I detected a note. Withdrawing the paper from the drawer, I began to read:

I know things haven’t been as good as they have been for a while. But I still want you to know that I do love you.

I acknowledge that my behavior has been far from acceptable, and all I can say is, it’s because you make me so damn crazy. I know that it’s no excuse, but it’s the only one I have for now.

If I could get granted one wish, I would wish for stability––a stable mind, a stabl
e heart, a stable relationship.

But wishes are for fools.

I can’t lose you. Not after everything that we have been through, not after how many people have been hurt. I’m sitting writing this letter now, and I’m physically hurting because I can’t see which way is up or down. I’ve lost myself. I’m not proud of it. But that’s what love does to a person.

It won’t be this way forever. It’s going to take time.

Please, believe me.

“Hey, is everything okay, Kady.”

I lugged my focus from the paper up to Walker, who was standing in my doorway, a blanket and pillow under his arm.

My nerves scattered, t
he paper rustled and vibrated in my hand causing a slight breeze.

“What’s that?”
he motioned to my hands with his chin.

“Another letter; its Liam’s handwriting, at least I’m certain on that,” I mutter
ed forlorn. Ignoring the protest in my gut, I risked a glimpse back at the letter. “He says about people getting hurt. I don’t understand.” In the periphery of my vision, long, dark denim-clad legs were strolling towards me. “Who got hurt? Do you know? I–I…”

“Hey, hey, hey…” he released the bed covers as he dropped himself onto the
side of the bed. A comforting arm wrapped around my shoulders, I leaned into his warm body, hesitant free. “I wish I could help more, darlin’.” With his chin pressed to the top of my head, I felt his jaw working as he passed his words.

The smoothness of his voice, and in the consoling embrace of his arms, tears I so des
perately didn’t want to cry, were freed. “I hate feeling this way,” I spoke around my irrepressible sobbing.

“I know, but––”
As he moved away, my head was lifted, and taking my tear sullied face into his possession, he dried the remaining falling droplets with his thumbs. “Kady, these are the missing pieces of the puzzle. I don’t want to see you hurting; it’s the last thing I want. But you need to find the strength to put these pieces in order. No one else can do that for you.”

He was right. I needed to somehow tap into a hidden strength, the strength and resolve which I remember having when I was twenty-four. I had to somehow find a way to walk in
the shoes of the lost me, with the strength and mind of the old. I needed that ferocity to stop myself succumbing to the patterns which I obviously couldn’t see myself falling back into.

I nodded.

“Good girl.” Walker tipped my head forward and pressed a kiss on my brow. His gruff tickled, prickled and stung, but it was a nice, pacifying gesture. He hoisted himself up from the bed. “I’ll see you in the morning, darlin’.”

As I called his name while he bent down to retrieve the bedding on the floor, h
e directed his attention back on me.

“Would it be wrong if I asked you to sleep with me
tonight?”

Shoulders back,
his head held high, he exuded power and defiance. “Yes, it would be, Kady.”

Ashamed and dejected,
I hung my head. What was I thinking asking such a thing?

“But I’ll do it anyway.
”

I lifted my gaze at his words and offered a small, appreciative smile, before shimmying
into the center of the enormous four-poster. My appreciative grin altered into one of undeniable relief. Fully clothed, apart from his socks, he clambered onto the mattress, meeting me in the heart of it. His hands were clamped together and resting on the pillow, under his head.

We laid
facing each other in a comfortable silence. Our bodies so close that the warmth of his breath stroked my lower lip. Absorbed in the shimmering Indian Ocean beside me, I felt my heart billow, my gut contorting. I struggled as my mind and desires battled ruthlessly inside my body. Every encouraging possibility, were rivaled with a negative. In the end, I couldn’t decide which file had more in the way of ups and downs.

My gaze faltered as pale, molded lips twitched. When my eyes found his, I felt a form of female triumph when I
sighted him staring down at my mouth, too. I swept my tongue across cracked flesh before snaring my lower lip between my teeth.

I had to
break the urge to unfold my hand from under my chin and stroke it over his darkened gruff, and over his perfect lips. Well, prevailing over half the urge was better than none at all. I let my right hand lay freely between our bodies, my left still snuggled against my throat. “Walker,” his name was a breathy, rasping murmur.

“Kady,” he responded, making my name sound like Katy once more, and a shiver paved its way up my back.

“Will you sing to me?”

Unsticking his hands
and pulling them from under his head, his right hand combed through my hair, while the fingertips of the other roused against mine on the satin surface between us. “You want me to sing you to sleep, darlin’?” He smiled around his words, while my fingertips unconsciously aped his.

“Yes,” I nodded.

“What do you want me to sing for you?”

Faintly r
olling my head across the pillow, I sighed. “Something soft…” His fingers had slowly progressed to the palm of my hand, issuing gentle circular motions on the sensitive flesh. “Something gentle and calming.”

“I got one. You okay with an Irish folk song?”

I’ll be okay with anything as long as it’s you which gives it to me.
“Yes.”

Sucking a breath, he traced
my hairline and began:

“Just give me your hand,

Just give me your hand,

And I’ll walk with you,

Through the streets of our land.

If you give me your hand,

Just give me your hand,

And come along with me.

By day and night,

Through all struggle and strife,

And beside you, to guide you,

Forever my love.

For love’s not for one,

But for both of us to share,

For our country so fair,

For our world and what’s there.”

“That was beautiful,” I said sleepily once he had finished.

“Yeah,” he dashed his tongue across his lips. “It was.”

I was on the cusp of slumber, nevertheless I detected the smooth, rhythmic brushes of my hairline had ceased; his warmth was no longer present. The mattress bounced as he drew his body closer, his arm coiled around my waist, his hand pressed firmly the center of my back.