Seeking Nirvana (12 page)

“What have I done?” he sounded guarded.

I droned on about the human camera’s he had watching over me, and how I didn’t appreciate food being brought around just to make certain that I was eating, and how it made me feel.

“Kady, baby, I’m sorry it made you feel that way. I’m just worried about you. I want to know that you’
re safe. Is that so wrong of me, for wanting you safe and healthy after the things that have happened?”

The gush of air traveled and cracked down the handset as
I exhaled noisily. What was I thinking? “No, Liam. It’s not. I’m sorry. Thank you for looking out for me. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

I asked about the journey and his upcoming meeting which he told me was in a few hours. I grinned like the Cheshire cat with a great ball of yarn when he said that it was near impossible for him to concentrate without hearing my voice first. He asked about my night out with Liv. I told him that she seemed to be letting off a lot of steam.

“I’m not surprised, what with her mom.”

I sprang myself up from my stomach, my back bolt straight. “Her mom? What’s happened?”

“She’s been quite ill recently. I don’t know the details, but everyone’s around her.”

“Why didn’t she tell me?” I questioned with a wounded grimace.

“Kady, baby, you have your own worries to face. She obviously didn’t want to stress you out, which is
something that I don’t want either. Anyway, deviating from the topic, I hope you wrapped up warm tonight. I don’t want you to catch cold or get sick.”

I shuffled and slipped off the satin covers, my feet landing heavily as I fell from the height of the four-poster.
Each step I took over the carpet had my sinking and flexing my toes. “Liam, it’s impossible to catch cold with the contents of my closet,” I sneered while I stepped into the walk-in; the overhead light flickered before maintaining its brilliant white glow as I flipped the switch upon entering. “None of it has the wow factor that my wardrobe used to consist of.”

“Baby, you’re a business woman now. You need to be conservative.”

“You’re telling me that I bake in a Chanel suit?” I mocked.

A rough chuckle traveled down the handset as
I began to unbutton my blouse. “Your words, not mine, Kady, baby.”

I noticed something pink peeking up from behind a shoebox as I spun around to Liam’s side of the
wardrobe. Interest piqued, I crouched down low to retrieve it.

“Kady, you still there?”

“Yeah, I’m still here,” I answered wistfully, falling onto my behind. Sitting in the center of the closet, my heart was drumming against my ribs, while my breathing quivered as I studied the note in my hand:

Thank you for the new memories xox

“Liam, why is there a note in the closet saying, ‘Thank you for the new memories’?” I asked once I finally found my voice.

“A note?”
Silence prevailed for a beat. “On pink paper?”

“Yes.”

He sniggered then sighed, a little grating groan sounded and I knew he was stretching back. “About eighteen months ago, I took you to a cabin up north for the weekend. We chopped our own wood for the fire; we ate s’mores and made love under the stars, things we’d never done before. When I went back to work on the Monday, I found that in my lunch. It’s sentimental, Kady, baby.”

As his words caressed my ear, m
y heart rate began to regulate, my body spiraled down from the tension which it was inundated by.

“Kady, I have to get ready for this meeting. I’ll ring you tomorrow, okay.”

“I don’t mind ringing you, Liam.”

“No, its best that I ring you, baby.
I know the time zones.”

With the hot pink paper in my grasp, I acceded to his demand before saying goodnight and hanging up.

Traipsing back into the room, I set the phone in its cradle and seized a pen and notepad from the ivory nightstand. I copied the sentence, and then studied them both.

Thank you for the new memories xox

The beating of raindrops
was practically vibrating from the roof of my SUV as I put it into park across the way from the building site. I stared on as the force of workmen called out orders to one another while continuing to shift bricks and go about their duties, regardless of the temperamental weather.

And to think the sun was beaming
less than an hour ago…you wouldn’t have thought it with how forceful the droplets were smashing against my windshield, before breaking and choosing their own fated journey leaving the glass distorted with veiny streaks.

Removing my keys,
I flung open my door and dropped out of the car, potently slamming it shut behind me.

Dazed, indignant and uncaring of the danger which lay ahead, I ran across the road.
Horns were blaring and drivers hastily applied their breaks causing deafening screeching to sound through the downpour as they veered along the saturated ground to avoid me.

Slipping and sliding, m
y heels were eaten up by the suction of the dirt as I entered the building sight, while muddy water from the gathering of puddles, splattered over my jeans. Sodden tresses were hooked behind my ear, while pure hysteria superseded every emotion and every word of rationalization that I wanted to free. My white blouse was rapidly turning transparent and clung to my flesh, prompting the workload to catch an eyeful, and begin their stereotypical catcalls.

Ignoring their
crassness, I shouted over to the middleweight, thirty-something man, whose tips of dark, curly hair peeped out through the yellow safety helmet, “Where the fuck is he?”

“Where’s who?”

“Well, I know where your fucking boss is, so who else would I be talking about?” I reproached, and as if Mother Nature was sensing my wrath, the heavens opened farther, and the downpour came harder, brutally assaulting my flesh with cold spears.

The man timidly pointed behind me to the small, white cabin. I stomped off, not even so much as muttering my appreciation.

I stamped up two steps, flung the cabin door open, and ducked in from the rain, freeing myself of as much water as I could with a shake of my head, and a prompt brush down of my torso. He was behind the desk going over what appeared to be a blueprint. He peeked up when everything that was in the compartment vibrated as I yanked the door closed behind me.

“Kady,” he
pushed himself back into the seat.

“Y
ou’re a fucking asshole. You motherfucking cunt, how could you do that to me?” I was screaming.

He shunted himself up from the chair and with great caution, began to round the table
while running his hand back through his hair, making it stick up in a messy, yet attractive fashion. His black workpants were filthy, the bottom half of his plaid shirt was buttoned, while the white T-shirt which lay beneath, peeked out from his chest.

“You couldn’t have just told me? You had to send me on a motherfucking wild goose chase?”
I was squealing…I was livid.

“You’re telling me, if I just came out with it, you would have just believed me, darlin’?” He was gradually
sealing the space between us, his arms waving about as he spoke with resolve.

My body was cold as air clung to the wet material which wasn’t doing anything to screen my body, while p
rofound anger spawned tears which I desperately didn’t want to release…not in front of him, anyway. However, emotions were running high, and despite that strength of my secret demand, they were soon streaming down my face. I curled my upper lip with contempt while my eyes narrowed into disparaging slits. “You’re sick.”

He looked
almost contrite when he peeked down at his work boots and rolled his lips over his teeth. When he finally raised his head to gaze at me head-on, he was nodding faintly, his eyes apologetic. “Maybe…” his brow rose. “But it was something you needed to discover for yourself. I just gave you a hand.”

Trembling with anger,
I tried to hang my head, but a stern finger was placed under my chin, bringing an end to my intention. The chilliness of my body, cloaked by the heat of his had me quivering with an unthinkable expectation. I looked into ocean blue eyes, while an ocean was welling up in mine. My mouth quivered as I sniffled. “I don’t know what to do now.”

Rounded
by his left arm while his hips were pressing into me, his jaw which was covered in stubble, had slacked. The sound of the lock being turned was masked by his seductively spoken words. “Don’t fight it.”

The
intense feeling of déjà vu was devastating, as my vivid dream faded into oblivion and my eyes sprang open to the sound of the handset drilling beside me.

What the fuck?

Ruffling paper sounded far too loudly when I tossed myself over to the nightstand to grasp the phone from the cradle.

“Hello,” I
mumbled sleepily, my heavy, sleepy head resting in the palm of my free hand.

“Kady,”
The sound of Liv sniveling down the speaker had me instantly alert.

Ivory satin covers pooled at my waist as
I sat myself up in the heart of the bed. “Liv, what’s the matter?”

“Kady, it’s my mom,” she gushed frantically.
“I didn’t want to worry you, but she’s been ill. I just got a call from my brother; I’ve got to fly out to her, they need my help. I’m sorry to leave you in the lurch like this, but––”

“Oh
God, Liv, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. You go to your mom. Send her our love, and I hope she gets better soon.”

I heard her stuffing things into a bag. “Okay. I’ll ring you when I get back. I’m so sorry, chick. Bye.”

“Bye.”

As I set the phone back on its
support, I gathered the rustling paper, which I must have fallen asleep with, in my hand. I studied it over and over and over.

Thank you for the new memories xox

Thank you for the new memories xox

My heart was telling me I was overthinking, trying to find a link up to everything and anything.

My head was telling me that I had stumbled upon undeniable proof for my harshest thoughts.

Dropping the notes to the table,
I kicked the throw off my body, and forced myself from the warmth of the vast bed, while muttering obscenities to myself as I trudged to the bathroom to take care of my needs.

Bite-sized pieces of info
rmation revolved around my mind, tantalizing me with what I could only describe as vivid, yet somewhat unclear conceptions. Spitting out a mouthful of toothpaste, I raised my head and peered into the mirror, my stay at MA General spurring my memory. I cocked my head, my brow crumpled with deepened wrinkles as I settled my hand upon the vanity unit and braced my weight through my left arm, my toothbrush suspended in mid-air as I pointed it at my reflection.

“Why did you do that, Brittany?”

Hovering around the white and oak kitchen island, I took small, careful sips of my steaming coffee and waited for the chirpy sound of my sister’s voice to end the annoying tone of the connecting call. It was 8:25 a.m., so there was no way was she still in bed. Well, I hoped not anyway.

Just as I s
et my mug on the wooden surface and swallowed my bitter liquid, she finally answered.

“Brittany?”

“Kady? Is that you?” she sounded surprised.

I ignored her question, jumping straight to defense.
“Why did you do it, Brittany?” She sounded even more confused than what I was feeling nowadays when she asked what I was referring to. “The day you came to the hospital. You snapped at Liam, I mean, really snapped. And don’t tell me that it was because he was digging about your hair. It was more than that. Why?”

“Kady,” she
grumbled and I heard a weighted groan being ousted with her breath.

Exasperated,
I fisted my hands through my hair. “Don’t give me that, Britt. I need to know. Things are…they’re not adding up here at all, Britt. Once again, I’m feeling like I’m in quicksand. I’m fighting so hard to put pieces together, what with Mom and Dad, the way Liam is acting, things that I’ve found. God, even my feelings…”

“I wish I could help, sis,
but the truth is, I don’t know,” she enunciated clearly.

Don’t know? What the Hell does that mean?
She’s my Goddamn sister, she knows me better than anyone.

“Kady, the day I saw you in the hospital, was the first time I had seen you, and talked to you, in over eighteen months––”

“What?!”

“Ever since I
confided in you, about Liam making a pass at me, and you took his side over mine.”

Every molecule of air
abandoned my body in one enormous gasp as I sank to the tiled flooring, my back resting against the unit next to the range, while my hand rested on the bare flesh of my thigh. “What about all the, ‘do you remembers’ you threw at me?”

“That was from before I told you about
it. Truthfully, sis, I wish I could help you piece everything together, but…I don’t know you anymore, not like how I used to. You’d changed, Kady,” there was a slight disbelieving chuckle to her tone. “No one knows you any longer.”

There was no use repressing the
tears which followed her words, tears of loss, of anger. I was adrift; no one could help me because no one knew what I had obviously turned into the last few years. I was lost in Limbo. And once again the only person who was at my side, who knew the undeniable truth, was the one who was telling me everything
but
the truth.

We continued to chat while I was besieged by a thick daze.
Her presumption that Liam was still away on business considering I was on the phone to her, made my heart swell and lodge into my throat. How much had I actually given up for him? For a brief moment, I felt as though I was doing something defiant in talking to her. I felt I was going to get disciplined for talking to my baby sister. My mind began growling in frustration as it strove to make heads and tails of this farce. It was beyond ridiculous.

“Kady,
I have an exam this afternoon, but I can get a flight out to you later tonight,” she offered. “I’ll have to be back before Friday afternoon for my next exam though. And I don’t think it would be a good idea if Liam came back and saw me there.”

Swallowing a small sob,
I politely declined.

“You used to go for a run to put things into perspective. Try it. I’m here if you need to talk.”

“Yeah, come up with a codename just in case,” I mocked. The situation was completely unfathomable. It was totally absurd, and I was at its center. At some point, walls had been formed around me; depriving me of an entitlement every soul has the right to…freedom.

“Why not, I’ll be cotton candy
.” We giggled for a passing moment before she befell to a serious tone. “Kady, you’re my big sister. I hated losing you. I don’t want that to happen again, no one should have the right to come between families. I didn’t ask for it, sis, no matter what he told you. I didn’t do the things that he said I did, I’d never do that to you. I love you.”

“Brittany,” I murmured.
“I don’t recall any of this. Let’s just forget about it, and I’ll try my hardest to––”

“I’m scared, Kady,” she cut me off.
“I’m scared that you’ll remember, and take his word at face value. Then you’ll end up hating me, and then I’ll lose you again.”

I pulled my legs into my body; tears reacquainted themselves with my cheeks for a second time.
As spiking heat coursed through the inside of my upper leg, I gazed down to see my thigh scraped and raw. How did I manage that? I halted the unconscious grating of my flesh, and inspected the accretion of shredded flesh and blood under my fingernails.

“Britt, we’ll be fine,” I reassured her, brushing the robe over the fresh mark on my leg.

“I hope so, sis. I hope so.”

I decided to take my sister’s advice as soon as I got off the phone.
Seizing the bottle of water which I set on the stair, I pulled the door shut and fiddled with my ponytail as I threaded it threw the back of my baby pink baseball cap.

“Good morning, Kady,” Mrs. Steinbeck called from her front porch with the Boston Times
snug under her arm.

“Morning, Mrs. St
einbeck,” I grudgingly replied while bouncing down the front steps. I stopped at the bottom and began to do a few stretches.

“Going for a run?”

Gosh she was observant wasn’t she? “Yes, it’s a good way to start the day,” I strained as I stretched my arms above my head.

“Be careful, Kady. Mr. DeLaney would be furious if––”

“I will do,” I spat out concisely, already passing the numerous other detached, funky colored properties as I jogged lightly down the tree-lined block, and away from her shrill voice.

I pounded the ground with harsh, rhythmic blows as I
jogged past the Bricksdale Square that harbored Ent-icing, and the white chapel with clock tower. It still gave me the willies in the sense of, I really expect members of the community to go all Village of the Damned on my ass as soon as the bell rang six times.