Seeing Shadows (47 page)

"A backup plan says that you don't have the confidence in yourself to make it. To succeed with what you really want to do with your life. And if you don't believe in yourself, no one will. Simon is an amazing musician. He has the rest of his life to figure out a backup plan if making music doesn't work out. But I believe wholeheartedly that he will succeed. I'll believe in him until he tells me his dreams have changed. And then I'll believe in his next set of dreams."

Simon's father had remained silent while I spoke and I felt myself pale. What had I been thinking, spouting off to him about what his son needed? His son, that I had only known for a few weeks. It was presumptuous and I felt embarrassed by my boldness. I expected Simon's father to make a disdainful remark, but he only gave me that faint smile again.

"Well, I see you have someone in your corner, Simon." His father winked at me, which took me aback. He then turned to Simon. "It's always good to have someone in your corner. Why don't we shelve this conversation for now. It's Kendra's birthday. She'll throw a fit if she finds out we're discussing your career options at her party."

Simon nodded in agreement and Mr. Crewe excused himself, saying he spotted some business acquaintances he needed to greet. I turned to Simon after he left. He was looking at me with an unreadable expression on his face and I wondered if I had overstepped my bounds. Regardless of their disagreement, he was still Simon's father.

"Simon, I'm sorry. I spoke without thinking."

Simon looked down at me, unsmiling. "I don't want to scare you."

"What?" I was confused. That was the last thing I expected him to say. "What are you talking about? Why would you scare me?"

Simon gazed at me, his blue eyes full of an emotion I didn't understand. "I love you."

I froze at his words, horrified and elated at the same time. It was too soon. Too soon for a confession of love. Too soon to open myself up to him. But I instantly felt the desperation to say the words back to him. Felt the compulsion in my soul to tell him I loved him too. Because I did. Stupidly or not, I knew that I loved Simon more than I thought possible. Yet I still needed the answers tomorrow would bring before I could repeat his words.

"Simon. I..."

Simon stopped me, reaching up to brush my lower lip with his thumb. "Don't feel like you have to say it back. That's not why I said it. It's just bursting inside of me and I had to say it or I would explode. I love you, Caitlin. And I'm willing to wait until you're ready to say those words to me too."

I wanted to yell that I was ready now. But I bit my tongue. It wasn't fair to him. I first needed to find out if loving me was a risk I was willing for him to take. It was one I was definitely willing to take, no matter what it meant. But I wasn't willing for Simon to take the same risk if it was going to cost him too much. I had to remind myself there was more involved than flowers and love songs. I was intimately acquainted with death and darkness.

I took a deep breath and smiled, looking up at Simon, not knowing that the love was shining back at him in my eyes. "You have no idea what those words mean to me." And it was true. He was the only person besides Sarah who had said those words to me.

Simon smiled and pulled me close, not caring about the people around us. "Why don't you show me with a kiss?" he said mischievously.

"Simon! Not with all these people around!"

"What people?" Simon looked around the room, as if no one else was there.

I laughed and was saved by the announcement of dinner. We walked over to a dining room that was as large as our school's cafeteria. Except it was much more elegant. There were two huge rectangular tables set formally, with amazing centerpieces made of flowers and candles.

Even though it was Kendra's birthday, Mr. Crewe sat at the head of one table. Mrs. Crewe sat on one side of him and Kendra sat on the other. Kendra looked stunning and much older than sixteen in a pale pink dress that was the perfect counterpart to her sparkling eyes and dark brown hair.

Simon indicated my seat, and I was uncomfortably aware that I was seated in the section that seemed to be reserved for family. Grant's parents, who I had met before when they had visited him at school, were seated there as well as aunts, uncles and cousins I had met during the party. Grant was standing by his chair and Sarah was standing next to him. They seemed to be arguing and I could hear them as we drew closer.

"No, Grant. The seats are assigned. I'm not just sitting there."

"Sarah, just sit down. It doesn't matter."

"Of course it
matters.
They didn't just put placecards on the seats for fun. It's to show people where they're supposed to sit. And
Cara
is sitting here." Sarah flung her hand at the placecard of the seat that Grant was trying to make her sit in.

"She can sit in your seat."

"I most certainly will not." Cara appeared, looking cross and annoyed. "Are you trying to pawn my seat off to someone else, Grant? Since when did you ever mind sitting next to me?" She looked at Grant suggestively and for some reason that made Grant even madder.

"Yes, why are you trying to pawn off her seat?" Sarah said, in a sickeningly sweet voice. I heard the pain behind it. I wondered if Grant did. Sarah smiled falsely at them. "Have a wonderful dinner."

She walked away, and I looked up at Simon who nodded his head in understanding. I followed Sarah and grabbed her arm. Sarah whirled around, her eyes sparking with fury, but it was extinguished when she saw that it was me.

"Oh, Caitlin," she said sadly and quietly. "Why did I think this trip was a good idea?"

"What's happening, Sarah?" I asked. "What's going on between you and Grant?"

She sighed heavily, watching people settling down for dinner. Fortunately, people were mingling as they took their time to find their seats, so we didn't look out of place still standing.

"Grant told me tonight that he has feelings for me."

"That's wonderful! Isn't that what you wanted?"

Sarah shook her head. "He told me he has feelings for me, but that he promised Cara he wouldn't date anyone without telling her first. He thought I should know because that was the reason he had to wait until he had a chance to talk to her before pursuing anything."

"What?!" I was shocked and disgusted. What the hell was wrong with Grant? How could he be so stupid? And why would he have to tell Cara who he was dating? What kind of sick codependency did they have?

"I know. I told him his feelings weren't strong enough if they were based on how Cara would react. He kept telling me that he wanted to explain why, but I don't care. I've wasted enough of my time hoping that he might give me the time of day. I've realized that it's not enough.
I've
had enough."

"Oh, Sarah." I wrapped my arms around her, unmindful of the formal dresses we were wearing or the setting we were in. All I knew was that she was in pain. "Do you want to leave? We can sneak upstairs. Or I can ask Simon if we can use his car to go somewhere. I'm sure he won't mind." I gave her a small smile. "I'm sure we can find a place with margaritas."

"No, I'm not running away. I'm here for Kendra's birthday party."

"Why don't I sit next to you then?"

Sarah shook her head. "I saw my seat assignment. It's down the table." She forced a smile. "And I see some good looking guys sitting nearby. I guess they knew what they were doing with the seating arrangement."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. I'm okay, Caitlin. Please just go enjoy your night. I'll feel even worse if I ruin it for you. You and Simon look so happy together. It makes this night somewhat manageable."

"Okay," I said, hesitatingly. "But if you change your mind, just come over and grab me."

"I will." Sarah squeezed my arm in thanks and headed to her seat. I walked back to Simon and he was looking at me with questioning eyes. I shook my head, not wanting to explain. Grant was sitting pretty close to us, and I was afraid if I told Simon what happened, my anger would be reignited and I would take my shoe and throw it at Grant's head.

The dinner itself was amazing. Course after course came out until I thought I would pop. I didn't even know what half the things on the plates were, but it was all delicious. Conversation was light and easy, with Kendra talking about all the fabulous things she had received. I wasn't sure when she had actually received all these presents because I hadn't seen anyone show up with one. Maybe rich people did these things discreetly.

Sarah and I had gotten Kendra a gift together and had given it to her earlier during lunch. It had been a pair of earrings and a necklace we had bought in a small boutique back in Rochester, where a woman sold handmade jewelry. Kendra had squealed with delight and proclaimed that she loved them. She had been beside herself when Simon had given her his present. A plane ticket to Rochester right before Thanksgiving.

I periodically checked on Sarah, glancing at her to see if she was okay. Every time I looked over, she seemed to be laughing and talking to the people seated around her. And she was right. Many of them were good looking guys her age.

Grant's expression seemed to darken with every minute. Cara chattered on beside him but I couldn't hear what she was saying. Grant barely seemed to be paying attention as he spent more time throwing back drinks than eating his dinner.

"What's going on with Grant and Cara?" I asked Simon quietly. I wondered if he knew about the deal Grant had with Cara.

Simon grimaced. "Their relationship is complicated. Too complicated for me to get into now."

I nodded. It really wasn't my business anyways. Now that Sarah had moved on, or least put on the guise of moving on, Cara was no longer in the realm of things I cared about.

Near the end of dinner, Mr. Crewe stood to make a toast to his daughter. "Thank you everyone for joining us tonight for Kendra's birthday celebration." He turned to Kendra. "Happy Birthday, Kendra. Sixteen years ago, my life changed forever when the doctor put a baby in my arms and said it was a girl. I can't imagine having a daughter more loving or spirited as you. Your mother and I couldn't be any prouder of the young woman you've turned out to be."

He turned back to the table, his eyes glassy with emotion and Mrs. Crewe grasped his hand from her seat, smiling at him lovingly. "Everybody, please join me in wishing Kendra a Happy Birthday."

Everyone cheered and raised their glasses. For all the differences that Mr. Crewe had with his children, it was obvious he loved them wholeheartedly, and he didn't seem afraid to show it. I didn't let myself think about my own father and my sixteenth birthday. The one where he had told me he regretted having a daughter instead of a son.

After dinner, they had a band playing in the next room and guests drifted over to continue the night dancing and drinking. Simon stood and held out one hand gallantly. "May I have this dance?"

I laughed at Simon's formality. "Luckily, I have one spot left on my dance card."

Simon and I made our way to the dance floor, where the singer was crooning a slow love song. Simon placed his hands on my waist and I wrapped my arms around his neck, fitting together as if we had danced together for ages. "You should have played at Kendra's birthday party. She would have loved it."

"Has she been getting to you?" Simon asked. "She was bugging me about singing earlier."

"You should! That would be awesome."

Simon smiled slyly. "Maybe if you join me. I heard from a credible source that you're a great singer."

I looked at him aghast. "Are you kidding me? I can't get up and sing in front of all these people!"

Simon gave a mock sigh of sadness. "Poor Kendra. Deprived of a birthday song because you won't sing in front of people."

"Ha," I scoffed. "You're her brother. You get up there and sing on your own. You're used to it. Just pretend these are all your adoring groupies that hang on your every word at the East End."