Seeing Shadows (50 page)

I felt sick and, at that moment, I hated myself. Aunt Brenda was studying me and she broke into my thoughts. "There's no use feeling guilty about it, Caitlin. You can only do so much. You're still learning. And not all seers are meant to fight vardogers. Some are afflicted with the visions but don't have the strength to actually eliminate vardogers."

"But you fight vardogers, right?"

"I do."

"And you said this stuff was mostly hereditary."

My aunt nodded slowly. "Yes, but that's not always the case."

"I let her die." My words hung in the air.

"Caitlin-"

"I did nothing and let her die."

Aunt Brenda reached out to touch me but I shook my head. I didn't think I could take any kindness at the moment. It would shatter the thin control I had on my sanity.

"Caitlin, I know this is hard but you can't let this affect you so much. You can't dwell on the losses. Because not everyone is a win. For every vardoger you eliminate, there are three others that succeed in killing and overtaking their person."

"How do you do it? How do you watch people die?"

Aunt Brenda looked at me fiercely. "Because I remember the ones that lived. The ones we saved. That's what keeps me going."

I took a long shuddering breath, forcing myself to push my guilt to the side. I didn't have the luxury in indulging in that emotion right now. "So once you have the vision of their spirit leaving their body, what do you do? Just follow them around the next day?"

"Pretty much. You try to stay close to them."

"How do you know when it's happening? Do you actually see the vardoger killing them?"

Aunt Brenda nodded grimly. "The stronger of a seer you are, the more easily you can see the vardoger. It's also like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it becomes. The vardoger will have their person take the steps to kill themselves. They'll guide them to a bridge to jump off of. They'll have them buy a gun and bullets. They'll have them start a fire. Their connection to their person is so strong at that moment that they can influence their actions. And then the vardoger finishes the act and kills their person. As a seer, you can see the vardoger step out of the shadow."

"You said if we pull them into us while we're touching a piece of iridium, they're destroyed. How exactly do we pull them into us?"

Aunt Brenda tapped her head. "It's all in the power of the mind. You basically have to will the vardoger into you when you see it step out of the shadows. Remember, vardogers are at their weakest when their connection with their person is the strongest. The best way to explain it is to imagine them being pulled into your body, and then will it to happen."

I blinked. That was it? You just willed it to happen? "That sounds awfully simple and hard at the same time."

"That's exactly the right way to put it," she said grimly. "It's ludicrously easy in concept but incredibly hard in reality. A lot of seers have to practice for a long time before they're able to succeed."

"So while they're practicing, the people that they're practicing on are dying?"

She nodded.

"Well, that pretty much sucks."

Aunt Brenda gave a hollow laugh. "It does indeed suck. The only way to endure it is to remember that for every person you lose, you get stronger to save the next person."

"What happens when a vardoger tries to kill a seer during a vision? Do you actually die if they succeed?"

Aunt Brenda furrowed her brows. "What do you mean?"

"In the vision I had of the girl being killed and her spirit leaving her. After the vardoger had taken over her body, she...it tried to kill me. And then gave me a warning."

My aunt sat up straight, focusing on me so intensely I squirmed. "Do you mean to tell me that the vardoger saw you? Talked to you?"

I was scared by her questions. Wasn't this what all seers experienced? "Yes. After the vardoger took over the girl's body, it tried to choke me. But my iridium charm fell against her...its hand, and it seemed to hurt the vardoger so it pulled away."

"So you're actually present in the vision? In a body? It's not like you're just watching from the outside?" Aunt Brenda said this slowly, scaring me even more by her careful enunciation.

"Y-yes. It said that they were evolving. Like iridium wouldn't always protect us from them."

My aunt took a sharp intake of breath at my words. "This is unprecedented. No other seer has been an active participant in their visions. Not that I know of. For seers, it's like watching a horrible scene from a movie. But to actually be present..." She shook her head. "I don't know what to make of it."

The more she talked the more scared I got. It was bad enough that I was a so-called seer. But now I was even set apart from other seers. I was tired of being "special."

"What about before the vardoger kills their person?" I asked. "Have you talked to a person before their vardoger overtakes them in a vision?"

"You talked to their person too? Not just the vardoger?"

"Only recently. Before it used to be like how you explained it. Like I was watching a horror movie. But with the vision of Claudia, the girl from my school, she's been able to see me and talk to me. She asked me for help." I shuddered at the last statement. Claudia was now most likely dead.

"I don't know what to make of this. I need to talk to my inner circle, see if anyone has heard of this before."

"Inner circle?"

"It's a group of seers that I work with," Aunt Brenda explained. "This isn't something you want to do alone. You need a support system. Vardogers are constantly changing. Evolving, like the one in your vision said. We need to feed each other information of what we've experienced. A seer can only eradicate the vardoger of a person that they've had a vision of. It has to do with the connecting lines that become open once a seer has a vision. But sharing our experiences not only helps us become more effective in destroying vardogers, but it also aids in trying to predict what the vardogers' next steps will be."

Aunt Brenda took a deep breath before continuing. "We can also hypnotize one another. When seers are hypnotized, we can reveal things that we aren't even conscious of. It's as if we sink deeper into our sights, to see more than we realize. Sometimes a seer under hypnosis can predict what's going to happen to a person that they've had a vision of, beyond just their death. But it's dangerous to be hypnotized and you need several seers to do it properly."

"Why is it dangerous?" I asked.

"There have been times a seer hasn't been able to come out of hypnosis. It's much deeper than a normal hypnosis that a psychiatrist might put a patient under. There needs to be enough seers present to pool their energy to pull the seer out of it."

I paused, letting this new fact sink in. I didn't like the sound of hypnosis. I had enough problems with the visions I already had.

"How do you know for sure once a person has been killed by their vardoger?" I asked. "Do they look different somehow?"

"For all intents and purposes, they look exactly the same. The only way to tell is to look into their eyes when you say their name. You'll see their pupils dilate until their irises are practically gone. It's quick and you have to be paying attention, but it's there. We're lucky that they at least have this tell."

I thought about Claudia's vardoger in my vision, how its eyes had looked black instead of Claudia's light grey.

I then thought about my vardoger.

"You said you had a vision of my vardoger killing me. How did it happen?"

Aunt Brenda hesitated before speaking. "You were being burned alive."

I shuddered as I thought about the vision of Claudia being burned alive. I then thought about the night of Jenny's birthday party, when I thought I had heard Claudia asking for help and the smell of a fire. Was I mistaken? Did it have something to do with me and my vardoger?

"But I'm safe, right? As long as I sleep with my iridium?"

Aunt Brenda nodded. "Most seers have vardogers that want to overtake their body. Fortunately we have protection against them. Something other people don't have."

I thought about Simon sitting outside in the car. I tensed as I suddenly remembered Simon's eyes when we had been in his bedroom yesterday. His eyes had looked almost black during our embrace. I had thought they had darkened with passion. Was it possible that he had been overtaken by his vardoger? The thought made my insides clench painfully. I reminded myself that I hadn't had a vision of Simon's spirit leaving his body. I could still save him.

"I've had a vision of my friend."

"The one outside?"

"Yes."

Aunt Brenda looked at me sympathetically, which made me fearful. "But the vision changed. I've only had it twice, and it's been like the ones I had before. Where I'm just watching a scene. But there was a change in the second one."

I explained to her about the shower curtain and how it had appeared in the second vision. It was a relief to be able to tell someone everything. Even if Aunt Brenda's eyes were getting larger and larger as I continued to explain what happened.

"So the shower curtain you bought with your friend, after you had the first vision, appeared in the second vision?"

I nodded. "What does that mean?"

"Caitlin, I'm sorry. You came here for answers and I don't have them. You seem to be experiencing things I've never encountered. I don't want to tell you what it may be because they're just guesses."

"Guesses are better than what I have now. Which is nothing."

"When are you leaving to go back to Rochester? Today?"

I nodded. "Yes. I was planning on staying until this evening, but now...I need to get back to school. Just to make sure that there's still not a chance to save Claudia." There were still so many questions I wanted to ask Aunt Brenda. I wanted to know when she had experienced her first visions. I wanted her to tell me why this was happening to me. I wanted to ask her how it was possible to live a life centered on killing shadows. But I knew that I couldn't be selfish. Not anymore. If there was a chance to save Claudia, I needed to try. There would be time for more questions later.

"I understand," my aunt replied gently. "I'm going to consult my inner circle today. Can I call you tonight with whatever I learn?"

"Of course. Call me any time. Please call me even if it's to tell me you don't know anything."

Aunt Brenda smiled at me sadly. "Of course. Caitlin, I wish there was time to talk about other things. About your life. What you're doing. I've wondered about you so much all these years. It seems so unfair that all our time has been spent on the evilness of this world."

I impulsively grasped my aunt's hand, squeezing lightly. "Maybe once we get this figured out, we can talk. I'd love to learn more about my mother."

Aunt Brenda looked grateful for the touch. "Of course. I'd be happy to tell you everything I know."

I glanced at my watch. "Now I have to go. Even if there's a slim chance, I have to find Claudia as soon as possible."

My aunt walked me to the door and gave me a quick tentative hug, as if she expected me to pull away. I hugged her back, needing her warmth and affection at the moment. When we pulled apart, she looked curious.

"How's George? Your father?"

I shrugged, not sure what to say about my father. "He's good, I guess. We don't talk that often."

Aunt Brenda looked at me as if she understood. "George was always...difficult. Even as a child. He always seemed disappointed that people didn't meet the impossibly high standards he set for everyone. Including me. I hope you know that it has more to do with him than anyone else."