Secrets - [Guardian Trilogy 01] (42 page)

Olivia shifted in her sleep, her face taking on an agitated look. I had to be more careful with her this close—not to let my feelings get carried away. I briefly worried she could still hear my thoughts, but I quickly dismissed it. I hadn't heard anything from her mind in hours. I simply needed to not think about anything that made me angry. No more time would be spent between us fighting. Life, especially hers, was too short and precious.

I continued to watch her, unable to stop marveling at the fact she was mine. I thought of all the places we could go. I’d been around the world several times in my life, but always alone. There were so many places I’d like to share with her, so much to enjoy fresh and new through her eyes. Thinking about the time we could spend together, the stress melted from her face. Once again she looked happy and peaceful, despite the wicked black eye and bruised cheekbone. I briefly cursed Augustus again.

We’d have to leave soon. I didn't know what Augustus knew before I killed him. Had he seen me? Been able to report me? How long before they sent someone to investigate, to take me to hell? Surely, it wouldn't be for a while… Augustus was officially my superior. It wasn't unusual or even frowned upon for a subordinate to kill their superiors hoping for advancement. But how long would it take them to realize I wasn't fighting their fight anymore? I had motives of my own. How long before they made me pay?

Olivia's fingers, resting over my heart, fidgeted, and she took a deep breath, then stretched up against me. She lifted her head a fraction to look at me with sleepy eyes and smiled before laying her head back on my chest.

“Holden,” s
he thought contently as if she needed to reaffirm I was really there.

She hadn’t spoken aloud. “Are you awake?” I asked, careful not to think anything else.

“Mmmmhmmm,” she replied. Happiness poured off of her.
“I love you.”
Even her mental voice sounded sleepy.

“I love you too,” I whispered, needing to say it out loud though it made my chest tighten.

Her head snapped up. Her face no longer looked tired. “Did you hear that?”

I was immediately on edge, listening intently for any noise in the apartment. Had I been too focused on her and failed to hear someone breaking in?

 “What did you hear?” I hissed.
I hear nothing.

She looked concerned for a moment, then smiled. “That answers my question,” she pushed me back down and reclaimed her spot tucked up against me.
“We can still hear each other’s thoughts.”

The tension melted out of my body as I tightened my arm around her.
“So it would seem.”

“I wonder if this will be a blessing or a curse.”

“I don’t mind either way,”
I thought back. I could think of worse things than having her with me all the time.

I could feel her smile.
“Just remember from here on out I will expect you to read my mind.”

“It'll be my honor.”
A nagging feeling crept into me. We needed to talk about the real problems we had to deal with today. We couldn't stay in bed forever; too much was happening and there was too little time left.

“We have a lot to talk about,” I said quietly.

“I know… but not right now.” She looked at me with her bruised, earnest face, and I couldn’t have refused anything she asked of me. “I want to be happy for just a little while longer.”

We stayed in bed another hour, silently talking about nothing, sneaking kisses, pretending everything was perfectly normal and would never change. I knew one of us would have to face reality, and she seemed perfectly content to continue like this indefinitely.

“Breakfast?” I asked

Olivia sighed. “Hmmm … shower.”

“You shower. I'll fix something to eat.”

I felt the distance when we parted like a knife in my back.

“I miss you too,”
I heard her think from the bathroom. I chuckled to myself as I made eggs. I was setting down the plates just as she walked out of the bedroom. She was wearing one of my shirts over her jeans and still had a towel wrapped around her head. I wanted to remember her like this always.

“I feel like Rocky,” she said as she took a seat.

“Does it hurt?”

“It's sore,” she said mildly, downplaying the pain felt in her.

“I'm sorry I wasn't there sooner.” I should have never left her.

“I was shocked to see you walk through the door at all. How did you know where I was?”

“I spent most of yesterday looking for you, then I saw you drive past me when I was giving up. Fate keeps throwing you into my path—thank God. I followed you back to your hotel, but decided to give you space and I left. My reasoning was if you wanted to see me, you’d let me know. I didn’t want to push.”

Olivia gave me a sad smile I didn’t quite understand. “What changed your mind?”

“I felt panic and distress. I knew something was wrong, something had happened.”

“You felt my distress? From that far away? How?”

“How does any of this work?”

“Could you feel what I was feeling when I wasn’t in the city?”

“Sometimes. If I was really still and focused only on you, I could occasionally get a flash. It was much easier once you were back, especially if you were thinking about me too.”

“You know how crazy all of this is?” She took my hand. “Holden, I’m sorry I ran away—I should’ve stayed and at least talked to you. I was overwhelmed and so angry. I didn’t mean a lot of the things I said—”

“It wasn’t your fault, Liv. A lot of that was coming from me. I think our bond has made you more sensitive to my emotions. It makes it harder for me to manipulate your emotions with fake ones because you feel what I actually feel. Let’s just say the situation snowballed faster than either of us could control. I didn’t blame you for anything you said.”

“It was a lot to take in, but I don’t blame you for Juliet’s death. I wish though …” She pressed her lips together. “I wish you would’ve been more open with me.”

“You make me wish I was a better person too, but I’m not. I understand why you were angry, but I’m not sorry I kept this part of my life from you. If I had to do it over again, I’d do the same thing. If I were a better person, I would’ve kept my distance.”

“I’m not in this because of you.”

“But you easily could’ve been. Don’t you see? I’ve brought so much pain into your life? It’s what jinn do. I can’t change no matter how much I would like to. I don’t have that power. They hold my soul. I’m left with merely a shadow of it and free will. Nothing more.”

“Holden, had you stayed out of my life, do you have any idea how many more bad things would’ve happened to me? Christopher would’ve used and blackmailed me, I would’ve been alone when Juliet died, and I would’ve been raped and battered by that man in the hotel.”

Just thinking about the things that could’ve happened to her made my heart clinch. She squeezed my hand and continued, “You’ve been the one constant and reliable part in any of this. You asked me what you had to do to prove you’re more than what you are, but you don’t have to do anything to prove it to me—you have to find a way to prove it to yourself.”

“I’ve done so much harm in my lifetimes.”

“It’s never too late to do better.”

“It isn’t that easy.”

“Why not?”

“I’m not monitored constantly, but if I stopped working all together, they’d come after me, take me to hell. I’d be in breach of my contract.”

“Did you work when I was here?”

“As much as I could without drawing suspicion.”

“What exactly did you do for them?”

I couldn’t block the sinking feeling when she asked the dreaded question. If she wanted to know, I would tell her.

”Wait, don’t tell me—we’ll save that conversation for later. All I know is I’m lucky you’re a dedicated stalker.”

“Lucky for both of us.” All I almost lost the past night flashed before me; I would protect her with every resource I had—but I had a lingering question. “Why didn't you come to me when you came back? Why did you go to Quintus?” It’d been haunting me. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to know the answer.

She sighed and let go of my hand. I heard several incoherent thoughts fly by before she spoke. “It makes everything harder being here. I was certain if I came back I’d never be able to leave again. Leaving the first time was horrible enough, a second would be nearly impossible. Also, I couldn’t come back until I was certain I could forgive you. It wouldn’t be fair to hold on to your heart, if I couldn’t allow myself to love you.”

“And now that you’ve seen me?”

“I know it’s true.”

“And do you? Do you forgive me?”

She shook her head. “It isn’t about forgiveness. I didn’t understand that before. It’s about acceptance. And I am trying to accept you as you are.”

Elation consumed me. Olivia was a miracle, my own personal miracle. She smiled at my happiness. “That doesn’t mean I like what you do or that I agree with many of your choices, but those decisions are part of who you are. I can’t just love a piece of you, it’s all or nothing. However, even if I can love you despite your past, and I can’t live with you hurting people, not while we are together.”

If she ran away with me, that wouldn’t be a problem. Hell wouldn’t be able to find either of us, so I could stop if that is what it took to make her happy. It would probably eventually kill me but not before she died from natural causes, and I wouldn’t want to live without her anyway. “So you’re staying?”

“I don't know how to stop what’s going to happen from happening, but I do know that you’re stuck with me until the end.” She gave a half laugh and her eyes glinted. “Lucky for you ‘the end’ isn’t too far away.”

I frowned.

“Too soon for jokes?”

I didn't like her thinking about death. We would change this. Nothing in life is set in stone not even death. Lives and futures change with a gust of wind.

“I’m not sure it’s all that easy,” she said, hearing what I was thinking.

“I’ve thought of a way we can buy more time. They can’t find you when you’re with me—not demons, jinn, or guardians. Apparently we balance each other out.”

“What does that mean?”

“Every person’s soul has a certain light to it. Yours is stronger than a normal human, but not as strong as Quintus’s. Jinn don’t have this light; we’re void. That’s why no one could find you when you were here. There’s a perfect balance between us.”

“Okay...”

“Don't you see? We can leave—go together and live away from all of this. No one can stop us if they can’t find us. We’ll be happy. It can be just as it was this morning, all the time. This doesn’t have to be the end. It can be the beginning.” I could feel the idea warm and tempt her. It was what she wanted too. We could really make this happen. “We could leave within the hour—”

“What would happen in the meantime?”

“What do you mean?”

“Would they keep looking for us?”

“Probably.”

“Would they continue to hurt people who were in my life?”

“Probably.”

Her emotions took a nosedive. She was already shaking her head no.

“What would happen to you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Holden, I’m not going to live forever, regardless of how good we are at hiding. Even if we could hide for the rest of my life, what would happen to you once I die?”

“That isn't important.”

“It is to me.”

 I didn't respond, but I knew she heard my answer. They would take me to hell.

“No,” she said firmly.

“Olivia, I’m going there anyway. I made this deal long ago. I accept it. Once you’re gone, there’s no reason for me to be here anyway.”