Secrets - [Guardian Trilogy 01] (39 page)

 I checked into a hotel downtown near Laclede’s Landing, hoping that a busy touristy area would make it easier to hide. I crashed into the bed. How in the world was I to go about finding a demon and making him pay? I was in way over my head.

I opened my eyes and looked around. I was in my bed in my apartment, my crisp white covers warm and cozy around me. Everything seemed right, comfortable. I got out of bed and walked into my living room, which looked pristine and lovely. Fresh lilies were in the vase, just as I liked, music whispered through the air, and the plush rug cushioned my feet. Juliet was next door and would be coming over to chat with me about her day any moment. I went to the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal and felt someone watching me. Holden sat on a stool on the other side of the counter, waiting for me to notice him.

My head tilted to one side, and I couldn’t help but smile. All was right in the world. Life was perfect just like this, a perfect bubble I just needed to hold on to.

“I miss you,” he said, returning my happy smile with a sad one.

It took a moment to understand why he missed me. I was right here with him, but then I remembered. Everything was not right in the world. My heart beat faster and my stomach sank. Juliet was not next door. My bubble was bursting around me. “I know.”

“Are you back?”

“Yes.”

“Did you talk to Quintus?”

“Yes.”

There was a long pause; he seemed to be struggling with himself. Then he looked at me intently. “You haven’t called.”

“I can’t.” I was unable to meet his eyes.

“You can’t or you won’t?” he asked, walking around the counter like a man with purpose—the purpose of not letting me avoid him. Holden was used to getting whatever he wanted. He exuded confidence from every pore.

“Both.” I finally looked up at him. “It doesn’t matter. We can’t be together.”

“Says who?” He smiled slightly, bad intentions in his eyes. He had me trapped between the counter and his body.

“If I’m with you…”I lost my train of thought when he put his hands on the counter on either side of me and leaned in. I could see the muscles in his arms flex, his chest rising and falling with each breath underneath his soft cotton button down shirt, smell his skin… God, he was so real. His green eyes watched me with such intensity I struggled to breathe.

“If you’re with me?” he prompted, knowing full well the game he was playing.

I looked fully into his eyes not holding back anything I was thinking. “It’ll be harder to leave.”

 “I don’t want you to leave.” He leaned in closer.

“I don’t want to leave.”

“Then stay with me.”

“I can’t—”

“You can—”Our conversation was no more than a whisper between us. Neither of us wanted to break the spell and be cast back into our own solitude. We kept our voices low in hopes of more time. I could tell Holden was grasping at straws. Beneath his bravado, he was just as confused and scared as I was. “For now. I know I can’t have you forever, but I want you. I don’t care how. We don’t have much time.” He leaned in the rest of the way and kissed me with firm, demanding lips.

Tension and worry melted away as my lips softened beneath his. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me closer to him, molding my body to his. My arms wrapped around his neck as if they were always meant to be there. Our kisses became more urgent and desperate. My entire body tingled. He lifted me onto the counter top, my legs hooked behind him. My blood pulsed through me like lava. His mouth traveled down my neck lingering at my collarbone. My head fell back as his hands moved over my body. I unbuttoned his shirt slowly, stealing kisses between each button.

My eyes flew open, unsure of what had pulled me from the best dream I’d had in …well, let’s just say a long time. The ringing phone finally began to register in my mind.

“Hello,” I answered a bit breathlessly.

“Is Bryan there?”

“Wrong number.”

“Sorry.”

“No problem.”

I hung up, silently cursing that idiot for ruining my dream. My breath slowed to a normal pace, and my body was no longer on fire though my mind and my heart were pleading for Holden. I lay back down and pressed my lips together, trying to get the feeling of his kiss back, but had no such luck. I fell back asleep, but the rest of the night was dreamless and lonely.

The morning light glaring through my window was not a welcome sight. I wanted to sleep longer, but I pulled myself out of bed, then showered and dressed in a fog. I wasn't sure where to begin. I’d never investigated anything in my life. I mentally took an inventory of what I knew. I knew who, or rather,
what
the killer was. I knew I had to use light against him, and I knew he was watching my apartment. So all I had to do was go home, and I’d find him, right?

Yeah, great plan, kiddo. Didn't someone once say you can never go home again?

Thomas Wolfe, but it’s the only way...

This is great. Now you’re arguing with yourself in your head. Maybe you should come up with a plan before you charge into battle.

Oh, shut up.

If I went back during the day, the demon wouldn’t be there because of the light outside, but he probably had other means of watching the apartment. However, going there would give whatever was watching the apartment the opportunity to follow me back here, which would take away my advantage. I had to figure out how to trap it before I went. How do you trick something that uses deceit the way people use oxygen? Research. Holden had told me knowledge would make me stronger. I didn’t know about that, but hopefully it could at least fill in the gaps and chisel out a better plan.

I decided to go to the Catholic university’s library. What better place was there to research theology? On the way there, I stopped by Juliet's gravesite. I stared at the headstone, sank down to my knees and closed my eyes, picturing her in my mind.

Words poured from me this time. ”I’m sorry, Jules. I’m sorry I didn't hear your pain. I’m sorry I was so wrapped up in myself I missed what was happening with you. I’m sorry I can’t take it all back and make it better. I’m sorry you died because of me. I’m sorry for the pain you suffered.” My words got caught on the emotion that had built up in my throat. 

“I wish you were here. I wish I could tell you everything. I wish you could’ve gotten to know Holden and Quintus and helped me with this. I wish I knew you would be here to take care of my mom if I don't make it out of this.” I opened my eyes and wiped tears from my face, then took a moment to trace the letters of her name with my fingertips.

“Goodbye, Jules.”

A dull ache filled me as I walked out of the cemetery alone. Part of me hoped to find Holden waiting at my car like I had the other day—that day that now seemed so long ago. I would also have liked to see Quintus, but neither of them was there to meet me
. That's fine. You have to do this on your own anyway. No one else should get hurt for you,
I reminded myself harshly. 

I drove myself to the library. Constructed from glass and bricks with an odd asymmetrical front, the building had a modern feel to it, but when I walked in, the smell of old books hit me. The contrast between the new building and the ancient, papery scent was a shock to my senses—a comforting one. It reminded me of my father who could most often be found in the office/library of our house. I allowed myself the nostalgic moment before I went to the desk to ask for help. They directed me to the correct room, and I started reading.

Twenty Eight

She was pulled out of my arms and beyond my grasp, leaving me alone in my bed.
Olivia’s back.
The thought kept repeating in my mind. I was obsessed. Relief washed over me and an involuntary smile followed closely behind. For the first time in what seemed like an eternity, I felt relief. It was all going to be okay. I would find her, protect her.

I had come up with a plan. It was brilliant in its simplicity. We would leave. The demon and the guardians couldn’t see us when we were together. I had the power to protect her. I could keep her from dying. All I had to do was get Olivia on board, and we could disappear by tonight. I had plenty of cash at my immediate disposal. They’d never be able to follow us. No one needed to be the wiser. They couldn’t stop us; we would be free.

But she doesn't want to see you.
A cruel voice in my head reminded me, killing my elation before it was even out of the gate. She didn't act like she didn’t want to see me in the dream, but she’d said it and her waking actions supported it. She hadn't called me. She didn't come to see me. She went to
Quintus
. She only involuntary saw me in her dream. I thought back on everything she said, trying to understand why we couldn't see each other and there it was. “It would make it harder for me to leave.” Had she resigned herself to becoming one of them? Quintus indicated she hadn't made her decision yet. Was I too late? Was I really going to lose her to that bullshit?

“Damn it,” I growled as I got out of bed. Too many questions were unanswered. There was too much at stake to let go before I knew where I stood—knew if it was too late for us
. It can't be too late. It can't be
. A mixture of panic and anger churned inside of me as I stalked to the nearest church. The door was locked, probably because it was so damn early in the morning on a weekday. I glanced around to make sure I was alone, then I picked the lock. 

The church felt oppressive, as they always did. My most basic instincts insisted that I turn back around and walk out, but I was on a mission. I went into the dark chapel and sat in a pew. I started off thinking about Olivia since that worked last time. I waited in silence. Every moment I was in this place. I lost a bit more of the control I had over the emotions churning inside of me. 

I tried thinking of Quintus, nothing happened. I looked up at the altar, as if it were challenging me. I sighed.

“I’m not leaving until I talk to Quintus,” I said aloud to no one in particular. Nothing. A little more anger slipped through my ever-yielding grasp. I wanted to hurt or destroy something. Why would they not help me? I was working on their damn side. I certainly wasn't doing this for myself; I was doing it for her. 

“You’re not just doing this for her,” Quintus said from the doors of the chapel.

“Then why am I doing it?”

“For you—and maybe a little for her. I admit you seem to care about her, or at least you’ve convinced yourself that you do.”

“You can’t begin to understand how much I care for her.”

“Not enough to let her go. To let her leave.”

“So she hasn't made her decision?”

“Not yet.”

“What if she doesn't want to leave? What if she wants to stay with me?”

“That would be her choice,” Quintus said with a sigh. He started to walk away, then turned abruptly to face me. “Why do you want her to stay?”

“She makes me feel in ways I didn't think I could feel.”