Secrets - [Guardian Trilogy 01] (17 page)

“Texas.”

“How old are you?”

“33”

“Why were you at Code?”

“I had business with the owner.”

“At one o’clock in the morning?”

“Yes.”
So a drug dealer? Arms?
I considered asking him what sort of business he had, but I was afraid of what his answer would be. I wasn’t ready to walk away from Holden; I didn’t want to know if he was a criminal.

“Why did you come see me at my mother’s house?”

“Skip.”

“What? Why?”

He looked at me with unyielding eyes. I sighed. “Right, fine. What is it
with
men today?”

His eyes narrowed, and his chin tilted at an alert angle. “What do you mean?”

“One tells me I’m 'chosen,' but won’t say why or for what. Now you won’t tell me everything either. Did someone fill out a personal ad for me? Single white female seeking cryptic men into stalking? “

“You're
chosen
?”

“Apparently—according to the other kind hearted weirdo who has suddenly taken to following me round. You two should get together for coffee, compare notes. You seem to have a lot in common. A support group maybe.”

“We talked about this man last night, didn’t we? Where can I find him?” Anger had seeped into the edges of Holden’s eyes, and a steely resolve shoved away all ease from his posture.

“Whoa, back up for a moment, cowboy. I don’t think you get to throw stones given that you’re also a new, slightly strange friend. As for what he wants, as far as I can tell, it's just to help me. And I'm not going to tell you where to find him because at the moment the jury is still out on both of you. I'm not sure what either of you want, but you don’t seem to want to hurt me.”

A cold, bitter laugh filled the room. “We don’t want hurt you? Are you certain about that? Have you seen the inner recesses of his mind as well? And after seeing mine, can you be sure I don’t want to hurt you?”

His sudden change in tone and the meanness in his voice made me feel off balance. Part of me wanted to draw back, run away, but a stronger part urged me to stay. I met his coldness and anger with my own resolve and confidence.

“I haven't seen his dreams,” I said and took his hand. “That’s a problem I only share with you.” I stepped into his personal space, not letting him have any room, our bodies practically touching, because it was only when we were close that he seemed as off balance as I felt.

He frowned and turned his head away from me.

I continued my interrogation. “How do you think you're going to hurt me?”

“Skip,” he said softly.

“No. Do you think you'll physically or emotionally hurt me?”

“Both, I imagine.”

Chills trickled down my spine. I hoped I knew what I was doing. “You won’t hurt me; I feel it here.” I touched his chest over his heart. “And nothing in my dreams makes me believe otherwise.” As I spoke the words, though, and image of him with red eyes popped into my mind. It didn’t help that I couldn’t see his face, just his profile and his eyes were shut. He was eerily still, and his hand felt cooler than it did earlier. I hadn’t noticed his apartment being especially chilly.

“You’re sure cold.”

He sighed and slid his hands around my waist, then pulled me the rest of the way to him. He buried his face into the side of my neck and hair. His lips softly brushed against my throat. All rational thought deserted me, but everything was very clear: I wanted one thing, Holden. He was all that was right in the world. I tightened my arms around him and leaned in, taking his ear lobe between my lips. The next instant I was seated on the couch breathing heavily, nerves on fire, and he was stalking across the room.

“Not going to hurt you, am I?” his voice was soft and gravelly, but the anger was unmistakable. “Do you know why you feel the way you feel right now? Do you have any idea? No, of course you don’t. This is stupid. I
should
get it over with. I
should
take care of this. Why am I fighting? Fuck.” He gave an exasperated sigh, but stopped pacing. His shoulders heaved with his ragged breathing. “I will not hurt her, I will not hurt her, I will not—” he muttered over and over again, putting emphasis on different words each time.

I continued to sit on the couch, dumbfounded by what was happening in front of me. My bravado had wilted and I was terrified. Holden was unhinged. Yet I couldn’t leave. Something stronger than fear held me in place. I needed to see. I needed to see for myself if the red eyes were real or just part of a dream. Whatever Holden was, I needed to know. I stood and walked towards him.

No matter how much of my dreams were real, no one had eyes like that. I needed to see once and for all, so I could dismiss the silly notions suddenly floating around in my head. Vampires? Ridiculous! I’d read too much Ann Rice. And a lot of people had cold hands—poor circulation. So what if he’d found me without a car, maybe he’d been following me since the morning.

Great, Liv, now you're hoping he’s a more dedicated stalker.

 I stopped in front of him and studied the determination settled across his face, which was now completely smooth of all lines. His eyes never moved or fluttered. I took a deep breath.

“Holden.”

He opened his eyes—his perfectly
normal
eyes: green flecked with gold. The only change was that now they lacked their indifference; an inner flame waged war against the coldness surrounding it. 

“I’ll take you home,” he whispered

“No,” I said just as quietly. Holden frowned, but I continued. “I want to know what's going on. I'm tired of being the only one who doesn’t understand. Explain yourself.”

“I can’t.”

“You won’t.”

“I can’t,” he repeated with a look that pleaded for me to accept it.

I didn’t understand. I wanted to know, but it didn’t look like he’d change his mind. And it didn’t feel like the best time to pursue this fight either, given that everything between us seemed balanced on a razor’s edge. I wouldn’t push for his confidence any further today.

“Fine.” I sighed and closed my eyes, seeking the strength to let everything go for now. While my eyes were closed, Holden hugged me gently and his lips brushed against my hair. This time, my feelings didn’t spike; instead they steadily glowed. I rested my head against his hard chest, and I could have stayed like that forever. I’d never felt about anyone the way I felt for Holden—and so quickly. It didn’t matter that I didn’t know him. It didn’t matter he was keeping something from me. I returned the hug because it was the most natural thing in world to do, and right or wrong, it was something we both needed.

“But you're going to have to answer my questions soon … very soon,” I said, voice muffled in his shirt.

Holden’s embrace tightened. “Yes, the time will eventually come.” He sounded so defeated that I pulled back so I could see him. For a split second he looked very broken. What could be so bad?

“I wish I understood.”

Holden’s lips curved in a small smile, and he smoothed a strand of hair away from my face. I stood on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek, then the tip of his nose, then the other cheek before settling on his lips. The more reasonable voice in my mind kept pestering me to leave. Said I needed to think. Warned that this was all happening too fast.

“I think I should be going,” I said.

“It’s for the best.” His arms dropped to his sides. “I’ll walk you to your car.”

I nodded, making no attempt to move. Holden gave me a knowing smile and turned me towards the door. We walked to my car hand-in-hand, in silence. He helped me in but didn’t shut the door immediately. Instead, he looked at me intently for a moment or two, like he was memorizing me exactly as I was. I drove away watching him watch me in my rearview mirror.

“What a weird day,” I said out loud as I drove back to my apartment. Despite the weirdness, I was all smiles. Intellectually, I could see how disturbing all of this should be. Emotionally, I couldn’t have cared less. I thought only of Holden and my heart fluttered like a thirteen-year-old girl with a crush. It didn’t matter that someone had parked in my spot. I smiled and spoke with a stranger in the elevator, something I never did. The world held limitless quantities of promise and hope—more than ever before. All was right in the world; I wouldn’t have been surprised if I looked down and saw a blue bird on my shoulder. I danced my way to my apartment door and continued inside.

I giddily listened to my messages and returned calls. When I was finished, I checked my time. I was doing well—still had time to shower before Jules arrived. I couldn’t wait to tell her about today. I knew I still couldn’t tell her everything, at least not until I understood it all—but I was happy and I wanted nothing more than to share that fact with my best friend.

I dressed, then flipped through a magazine while I waited for Jules, expecting her to arrive at any moment. By the time I made it from cover to cover, my excited energy wouldn’t permit me to stay still any longer. I paced my apartment finding new minor occupations to bide my time. I refused to allow myself to look at the clock, knowing it would make the minutes pass even slower. At length my cell phone rang; I snatched it up before the first ring ended.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Livi. Sorry I'm late. Would you hate me if I cancelled tonight? Mark, the guy from the paper, asked me to dinner. I'd like to go, but I can tell him it’ll have to be another time if you
need
to see me tonight. “

“Don’t worry about it.” I was disappointed, though I knew it was selfish. I wanted so much to share my happiness with someone. “Have fun. We’ll talk later.”

Now what would I do? Part of me wished I hadn’t left Holden. I changed into my pajamas and flipped on the television. I mindlessly scanned through the stations, nothing capturing my attention. I looked through my movies, but nothing jumped out at me. I was bored.

I began to feel irritated. It was just like Jules to ditch me for a guy—no, wait. I stopped the thought. It wasn’t fair. She had offered to not to go and she really hadn’t ditch me for guys very often. It wasn’t her fault that for once I had something I wanted to share with someone. She couldn’t read my mind, and I couldn't begrudge her a date. Besides, it wasn't Jules job to entertain me. I should be capable of that myself. And on that note, knowing I wouldn’t be happy sitting around all night, I changed back into street clothes, grabbed my purse, and headed out. The night was still young.

Twelve

The minute she was out of my sight, worry plagued me. I called a cab to take me to my car, and I headed for her apartment. What else was I supposed to do when she had strangers breaking into her house and not enough sense to be concerned? I would get to the bottom of who this other man was and what he wanted with my Olivia.

My
Olivia, Christ, I'm in trouble.

Not knowing exactly where she was and if she was safe at all times was quickly becoming a form of torture. How had it already gotten this far? The word obsession rang through my mind. I wouldn't go into her apartment. That would be inviting more trouble, which was the last thing I needed. I had enough to go around at the moment. Instead, I sat in my car, slightly down the street, and watched her windows. Occasionally, her shadow passed, and I felt a moment of ease. I watched the flashing bluish light of her television and wondered what it would be like to be in there with her. Something so normal, so comfortable—something I could never have. I shoved the silly notion from my mind by thinking about the more realistic version. Me being forced to watch them slowly kill her—and they would make me watch—powerless to protect her. Would it break me?