Secrets 01 Secrets in the Attic (27 page)

When the older people in the village saw me, they would shake their heads, wag a finger of caution, and give me some sage advice, such as, "Remember, you are known by the friends you keep," or simply, "Make sure you help your parents."

The younger people had completely different reactions. At school, which was winding down to the end of the school year, I suddenly became infamous. Before, I was merely the friend of someone who had done a terrible thing, but now I was something of a folk hero. Everyone wanted to know how I had managed to keep such a secret. I began to feel as if I were a character in a movie who had suddenly stepped off the screen and started up the aisle. Invitations to parties, to sleepovers, and even for dates, started flowing my way. To some of the boys, I was dangerous, and that made me exciting. Even Dana Martin looked disappointed in himself for driving me away.

Of course, I did none of these things for a while. I could never get myself to ask my parents for anything and wondered if I ever would again. I worked hard to bring my final grades up, helped around the house more, and took great care not to get into any trouble. No teacher would even look at me with reproach, not that I was Miss Perfect or anything

I think I floated most of the time. At least, that was how it felt. Right afterward, I actually ran a fever and felt so numb all over that Mama took me to see Dr. Bloom, who studied me carefully and concluded I had no infections. I was deeply depressed. He spoke softly to my mother privately about it, and I know one of the things she and my father considered was a therapist, but I rallied soon afterward, and the problem just went away.

Jesse took it all much harder. If he could, he would have gone out back and whipped himself. He was too ashamed to return to Daddy's offices, and for weeks, he remained at home, working on the house as if he wished he could embrace it and get some solace and comfort from it. He went at it all with a maddening drive of perfection. Not a shingle would be permitted out of line, not a spot of rust on any pipe, not a weed on the lawn. It was his idea to empty the attic of all the old things. One night at dinner, he suggested we donate most of it to thrift shops and give whatever else to a consignment store.

"Some of it is so dry and brittle. We have a fire hazard," he declared. "And besides, I'd like to clean up the place, repair and paint the walls. Maybe we can do something better with it."

I didn't oppose the idea. When Karen was taken away, I had gone up to the attic, but I hadn't been there since. I was afraid of the memories it would stir up.

Daddy agreed, and Jesse took on the task of emptying the attic. He did it mostly during the day, while I was at school. I was grateful, for I didn't even want to see any of the furniture, especially our magic sofa.

Sometimes, I imagined Karen was still up there. There were times at night, after I had gone to bed, when I thought I heard footsteps above me. One time, I was absolutely positive I did, and it put a chill under my breast and down my stomach. I rose and listened harder. Then I considered the possibility that it was Jesse. I went out to the hallway and saw that his bedroom door was ajar, so I peered in and saw his bed was empty. He was upstairs. I thought I would go up to see why, but I chose instead to return to my bed. He had his own demons to exorcize, I thought. He needed to be alone.

More than one girl at school, however, begged me to show her the attic, the scene of the fantastic story, or, as Karen had once said, "our own Anne Frank hideaway." I simply shook my head to indicate the mere idea was distasteful.

"It's been shut up," I told them. They believed it, because they imagined that would be exactly what their own parents would do. Lies were still useful, unfortunately.

I had one terrible confrontation with Karen's mother. She was so angry Daddy thought she might influence the district attorney or clamor for Jesse and me to suffer some punishment somehow. He also feared she or her attorney would find some way to initiate a civil suit, so when she called to come over to see us, he thought it would be wiser not to reject her.

Jesse and I sat in the living room like two errant children, waiting to be reprimanded. Fortunately, Mama was home. My parents greeted Darlene Pearson at the front door, and Mama hugged her, both she and Daddy stringing apologies, sympathies, and hope in their greetings. Then they brought her to the living room. We both looked up at her. She shook her head, and Mama asked her to sit in Daddy's chair, facing us.

"Would you like a cold drink, Darlene?" "No, nothing, thanks," she said, her eyes burning through me. "I came here to hear from your

Jesse chimed in quickly. "We didn't intend to hurt anyone. We thought we were helping her."
"Helping her?" She looked up at Daddy who was leaning against the living-room doorjamb, his arms folded. Mama was looking down and standing just to Darlene's right. She turned more to me. "You came to my home. You lied to the police. You lied to me to my face. You let me feel sorry for you, when all along, you were in cahoots with her, deceiving everyone. Can you imagine what my nights were like, my days, facing all those people and worrying about her, while all along, you two were playing house down the road?"
"That wasn't what we were doing," I said.
"You didn't do her any good delaying it all. Poor Harry," she said, and looked up at my parents again.
Mama nodded. Daddy glanced at us but said nothing. "I did my best," she said, the tears coming into her eyes now. "You have no idea what it's been like for me."
She looked up at Daddy. "There isn't anyone in this community who didn't know how hard it was for me with her after I married Harry."
Daddy nodded.
She turned back to me. "I thought you would be a good influence on her, Zipporah. She would do better in school. She would see how wonderful a family could be."
"I'm sorry," I said. "She was my best friend. I loved her like a sister."
Those words at least took the heat out of Darlene Pearson's face.
"Well." She sighed deeply and then rose. "I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't even know why I came here, what I expected from any of you," she said.
"Don't hesitate to call on me if you need anything, any help, legal or otherwise," Daddy told her.
She nodded and started out, pausing to look back at Jesse and me.
"I can only pray for her, pray for you all," she said, and left. Mama followed her out. Daddy stood there looking at us for a long moment and then left.
"I don't care what they say about Karen," Jesse told me. "That woman had something more to do with it all than she makes out. She's just trying to pass off her own guilt."
I was glad Daddy hadn't heard him.
Afterward, information about Karen's disposition trickled into our home. We knew that Daddy had the information way before but filtered it slowly, like someone who was trying to prevent arsenic poisoning. Too much at once would kill you. Of course, we knew Karen was placed in
confinement, which we later found out was really a mental clinic. The district attorney had put everything on hold until a clear and concise diagnosis was made. It went on that way for nearly two months, and then, toward the end of the summer, that second shoe was heard.
Jesse had done a good job of cleaning out the attic. He deliberately painted it a bright blue to contrast with the faded gray walls it had. He and Daddy considered redoing the flooring as well. It was a large enough area to present all sorts of
opportunities.
For a while, our lives seemed to be readjusting. The return to what was normal for us had come, and there was even some laughter in our home again. Jesse was preparing for his return to college, and Mama and I had done most of the shopping for my return to school--new clothes, shoes, and a new school briefcase. There were ripples of optimism.
And then Darlene Pearson drove up one evening just as we had sat down for dinner. She rang the doorbell.
"Who could that be?" Daddy asked.
"Only one way to find out," Mama said, rising.
"It better not be one of those religious fanatics come to preach the end of the world," Daddy shouted after her. "I just might believe him."
Jesse and I smiled at each other and waited.
"Oh! Darlene," we heard Mama exclaim. Moments later, she followed her into the dining room.
"Sorry to interrupt your dinner," she declared with a smug smile that churned my stomach. I held my breath. "Late this afternoon, I learned the news, received confirmation that Karen is pregnant."
For a long moment, no one spoke. When I gazed at Jesse, I saw the explosion of pure terror and fear in his eyes. Daddy rose quickly and reached for the extra chair.
"Please, Darlene, have a seat."
She contemplated it as if it were on fire, and then she relented and sat, her lips drawn tightly, burying the corners in her cheeks.
"Apparently, Karen kept all the symptoms to herself," she continued.
"How far along is she?" Mama asked, slipping into her own seat.
"Ten weeks." She looked at Jesse. "Does anyone have any idea where Karen was ten weeks ago?" "Jesse?" Daddy said.
Jesse nodded, the guilt pouring off his face.
"What do you intend to do about it, Darlene?" Daddy asked her.
"It's not what I intend to do, is it?"
"She's bringing the baby to term?"
"I certainly won't ask her to have an abortion. I am not a good Catholic. I don't attend church regularly, but there are certain sins I won't commit"
"Of course not," Mama said, even though I suspected she would have chosen differently. "Have you spoken to Karen?"
"Yes. She says she must have the baby, it was an immaculate conception, but we know otherwise, don't we?" she asked, again glaring at Jesse.
"Of course, we'll pay any expenses," Daddy said.
"For how long?" Darlene countered instantly, turning to him.
"For as long as necessary," he said.
"I can tell you this much," she said. "Karen obviously cannot be a mother, and I, at this point in my life, don't want the obligation and responsibility of rearing another child. I failed terribly with my one and only."
Again, there was a long, silent pause.
"Well, I'm sure you can give the baby up for adoption," Daddy said.
"Yes, I'm sure. Like cleaning up after spilt milk" "I'll help you in any way I can," Daddy said. "Please, be assured of that, Darlene."
She nodded, her chin quivering. Mama rose and put her arm around her shoulders.
"It just doesn't end," Darlene moaned. "I don't even know what will be with Karen."
There was nothing to say. Jesse had his head down, and I looked away, biting my lower lip. Darlene rose slowly and, with Mama still embracing her, walked out. We heard the front door open and then close. Mama returned, shaking her head, her own face now crumpling. She turned and ran out. We heard her pound the stairs to her and Daddy's bedroom.
Daddy sat back.
"I'm sorry, Dad."
"Me, too. Go up and talk to your mother," he said. "I'm still hungry." He stabbed his fork into a piece of roast beef.
Jesse stood up, glanced at me, and walked out.
"My father used to say that when you made a big mistake, a real error in judgment, you placed yourself in the hands of unmerciful forces. Things have a way of spiraling out. I doubt that you'll forget any of this, Zipporah, but I hope you won't fall into those unmerciful hands, too," Daddy said. "Go on and eat. Your mother will feel even worse if she sees no one ate her dinner."
"I can't," I whined.
"It's not all your fault, Zipporah. It didn't start with your hiding her out or Jesse having an affair with her. We don't know what started it, but it's not all your fault. I don't want you to think I believe you're innocent of any wrongdoing, but you're not solely the bad guy here. Understand? Do you?"
"Yes."
"Then force yourself to eat something You have to think of restoring yourself. We all do," he said.
Would I ever have his wisdom and strength? I wondered. Would Jesse?
Before Daddy and I were finished, Jesse returned with Mama, and they sat at the table.
No one spoke. Jesse helped me clean off the dishes and then clean up the kitchen, while Mama and Daddy talked softly in his home office. Afterward, Jesse and I went out and sat on the front porch, staring at the dark road. Only one vehicle went by.
"I think that's Mr. Bedick," I said. "He almost hit me one night when I was walking home from the village. It was my fault. I wish he had."
"Don't talk stupid," Jesse said. "I have the monopoly on that in this family."
I couldn't help but smile.
We heard the front door open. Daddy stood there looking out at us a moment.
"Come inside," he said. "In the living room." He turned, leaving the door open, and we quickly followed. Mama was already seated on the sofa. We sat beside her. Daddy took his seat.
"We've made a decision," he began. "We're adopting the child."
"You are?" I asked, incredulous.
"Adopting might be the wrong word. I'm not sure. He or she is our grandchild," he said. "Your mother and I are somewhat old-fashioned when it comes to this sort of thing."
He looked at her, and she smiled at him. With that smile, she looked years younger to me.
"We believe in bearing responsibility. We believe in family, in blood."
"But what about your work?" Jesse asked Mama.
"I need a break. I'll go back when I can. Or maybe I won't. It seems the length of time and attention you should give your children might not be as short as one would think."
"But everyone will know," I said, not meamng to have it sound as if I were complaining.
"They'll know anyway. Some probably know already, considering Darlene Pearson's anger."
"What will you tell the baby when he or she is old enough to ask questions?" I asked.
"The truth, of course," Daddy said. "The last lie was told in this house months ago."
"Are you sure you really want to do this?" Jesse asked. "It's all my fault."
"It's not all your fault. Most of it, maybe, but what are you going to do about it, Jesse? Stop going to college? Take some menial job to pay for diapers and bottles? No, it's decided," Daddy added. "You return to college. You, Zipporah, return to school and, when you can, help out."
"Okay," I said.
"It's all right, Jesse," Mama told him. "I wouldn't do it if I didn't think it was right and if I didn't want to do it."
He nodded. He was crying, but he sucked back his tears, rose, and walked out. We heard him go upstairs to his room.
"We're going to be all right," Daddy told me. "We're going to take care of each other better from now on, too."
I left them. I was probably just as numb, as stunned and afraid, as Jesse was, but there was nothing more to say about it. I sensed they had made an irrevocable decision. Their, firmness once they had made up their minds gave me pause and strength. It gave me hope as well. Maybe we would be all right.
Of course, as I lay there thinking. I wondered about Karen now, lying alone in some institution where there were bars on the windows. What was she thinking? Did she hate me? Hate Jesse, too? Maybe she was talking to herself or to an imaginary person like me, talking about traveling.
"When we get our licenses, we'll leave this hick town," she was saying. "We'll see America. We'll have adventures, so when we're older and stuck in some marriage, we won't regret it. We won't think we missed anything We'll take your convertible. We'll ride with the wind in our hair, and we'll think of nothing but tomorrow.
"Will you do it? Will you come with me, Zipporah? Can we be together again and forever?"
"Yes," I whispered in the darkness of my own room. "Nothing but tomorrow."
Through my bedroom window, I saw the moon fool a cloud and slip free. It poured its golden light over the treetops like a promise.
Karen was returning, I thought. She was returning in her child. Ironically, she wanted us to adopt her. In a real sense, we would. What had bonded us before hadn't weakened, after all. It had tightened and strengthened and wrapped itself around me.
Around all of us, actually.
And what that would mean for all of us lay cloaked in the mystery of the same darkness that made ancient peoples hug each other. Like them, I wondered if we would be safe, if we would ever be safe again.
I could only wait to know.