Secrets 01 Secrets in the Attic (20 page)

Sharing the same guy, I thought, and
remembered what Jesse had told me on the phone about the dangers of two girlfriends having the same guy. It couldn't be good. If Dana liked me more after this, she wouldn't be happy, and if I was a failure in his eyes compared to Karen, I wouldn't be happy. Jesse was right, I thought, but there was no turning back now.
At dinner, I thought we'd continue to talk about my rendezvous with Dana Martin, but she wanted to hear more about school and especially the other girls. When I spoke about our classes and teachers, there were some moments when Karen looked as if she really missed everything. She talked about the teachers she liked. She spoke in the past tense, as if she were already long gone.
Both of us watched the clock. I thought I should leave when it was just a little past seven, but she told me to wait a little longer.
"It's better if he thinks you might not come. Show him you're not dying to be with him."
I couldn't stop having the feeling I had swallowed a hive of bees. Finally, she turned to me and said, "Okay, you should set out. I'm sure he'll be there waiting."
She followed me out in the darkness to get my bike.
"Good luck," she said. "I know it's going to be

"No, Zipporah, Harry was my first, and it wasn't very nice, remember? Remember I told you I went with Dana to feel good about myself again? You don't have that problem. This is just going to be a special experience for you. You don't have the baggage I had. You don't hate yourself."

I stared at her. I never thought of her as someone who hated herself. Why should she? "You shouldn't hate yourself," I said.

You've always been," she said.
I think she realized the way she sounded, the
resonant note of bitterness under her words, because
she quickly added, "But I'm happy for you. I really
am. I'm happy for us both!" she said.
I nodded and started away.
"Don't you see? This really is like my first time,
too. So don't let me down," she cried, as I rolled down
the driveway. "You look like me in my skirt!" she
shouted.
When I looked back, she was gone to return to
the attic, or else she had simply stepped deeper into
the shadows to watch me ride off.
Months ago, what she had just said would have
made me very, very happy. I wanted us to be as close
as two people could ever be, friends forever and ever,
but now I wasn't comfortable about her living her life
through me, even if it were to be for only a short
while.
I had enough trouble living for myself, I
thought. The added responsibility weighed heavily on
my mind and my heart. I pedaled through the glow of
the moonlight mechanically, as if my body were truly
no longer mine, as if I had indeed fallen under a spell
Karen had cast like a net over me. I was rushing downhill, unable to put on the brakes very effectively,
and completely unable from to change direction. The sight of Dana Martin's car in front of the
post office sent a chill up my spine. I slowed my
pedaling and hesitated. In a few moments, it would
really be too late to turn back, I thought. How could I
even think of turning back now, anyway, after all the
promises I had made? I got off my bike and walked
the remainder of the way. I could see him watching
me in his rearview mirror. I put my bike on the side of
the post office building and approached his car. He
leaned over in his front seat and opened the door. "Hop in," he said.
I looked back at the center of the hamlet
George's was closing. The lights were being flicked
off in the front windows. The rest of the village was
dark, except that the bar and grill was still open, and
Sparky was out in front as usual, looking up the street.
He was the only witness seeing me get into Dana
Martin's car, I thought, and laughed to myself,
recalling how Karen and I attributed so much possible
testimony to Ron Black's dog.
"If he could speak, he could bring down most
of the big shots," Karen had said. "My mother
included."
The moment I closed the car door, Dana drove
off.
"So," he said, turning and smiling at me, "have
you spoken to Karen today? Did she warn you about
me?"
"If she had, would I be here?" I answered. He laughed. "Karen told me you were very
special. She called you the school's biggest well-kept
seeret." "Me? Why?"
He just smiled at me. "To be truthful, I've never
heard any of the other guys talk about you except to
say they wouldn't mind being with you."
"Why should they?"
Again, he just smiled.
"Where are we going? I can't stay out more than
a half hour," I said.
"Okay," he said, whipping the car suddenly to
the left to go down a side drive. He turned to the right
and into a cleared area. I saw what looked like the
start of a house construction. There was a foundation
built and lumber piled on the side. "My cousin is
general contractor for this house," he said, and turned
off the engine.
"So," he said, "what are we going to do to help
Karen?"
"What can we do?" I asked.
He moved closer.
"I don't know, but we should think about it. I'm
sure you have. I've never seen two girls who were
closer or better friends than you two. I guess you
know as much about each other as any two people
could know about each other," he said, running his
fingers through my hair. "I know this . . . I'd rather
have you for a friend than any other girl at that school.
Most of the other girls are stuck on themselves, but
not you. You're responsible, reliable, someone to be
trusted:'
"How do you know that?" I asked. He was
doing just what Karen predicted he would do, saying
the things she said he would say. How did she know? "Give me some credit for being bright enough
to see through the phony crap, will you? There's
something real about you, something sincere. I've
been watching you for a long time, even when I was
going steady."
"Watching me? What about Karen?"
"Oh, sure, but that was just my way of finding
out more about you."
"Huh?" I pulled my head back and my hair
away from his fingers.
He shrugged. "Karen was flirting with me, so I
paid attention to her, but after I was with her, I
realized you were really who I wanted to be with. All
we did was talk about you all the time "
"Talk about me?"
"Exactly. She told me about how you two
pretended to go on trips, even a honeymoon." "She told you we pretended to go on a
honeymoon?"
We had talked about the places we thought
were right for a honeymoon, but we never pretended
to go on one.
"Well, something like that," he said, laughing.
He edged closer again. "Whatever, I feel like I've
known you a long, long time. I'd like to know you a
long, long time," he added, and then he kissed me. There was something about the moment, about
what was happening, that made me suspicious, and it
had nothing to do with what I had come to do. It
wasn't because of his warm lips on my face or his
hands moving up my arms and around to my breasts.
It was all just a bit too perfect. An image flashed
through my mind. Karen, my love coach, was
coaching him, but on how to be with me. Was that
ridiculous or not?
"What else did Karen tell you about me?" I
asked, pushing him back.
"Nothing terrible. She told me you were the
warmest, most loving friend she had, 'ever had, ever
could have. She said she learned a lot from you." "She said she learned a lot from me?" "Sure. She said that was what was most
interesting about you, how quiet you were and
modest, but how much you already knew about life,
about relationships, about . . . love," he said, and was
at me again.
This time, he pressed his lips harder. He put the
tip of his tongue to mine. His hands were under my
blouse and his fingers on my breasts, moving over my
nipples, lifting the blouse so he could bring his lips to
them.
"You want to go into the backseat?" he asked.
That was supposed to be my demand, but I was too
deep in thought. Anyway, this was no longer
happening the way Karen envisioned it would. "I thought we were going to talk about Karen,"
I said, "talk about what we could do to help her." "What can we do? She's gone. Running off. She
just wanted to be sure you and I were together before
she left us. She cared about you."
His hands were under Karen's skirt. He lifted it
a bit and looked.
"Wearing your bikini panties?" he asked,
continuing to explore with his fingers. "I guess she
was telling the truth. You guys did share everything " "Wait," I said, pushing on his chest. I moved
enough to the right to get out from under him and pull
myself back into a sitting position.
"What?"
"Why did you say
your
bikini panties?" "Because they're yours, right? What's the difference?" he asked, moving toward me again and bringing his lips to my neck. "I've got what we need. I
know you are concerned about it. Let's get into the
backseat. C'mon. You said you didn't have much
time."
This wasn't right. None of this felt right, and it
wasn't because I was frightened or because I believed
virginity was something to save. Karen couldn't accuse me of having those reasons to be reluctant. I
didn't like the way he was rushing us, acting as if I
had come solely for one purpose. It made me feel
cheap and him a hypocrite. He wasn't with me
because he felt I was special. He was with me because
he believed I was easy.
"No, Dana," I said. "Just take me back to the
post office now."
"What? Why?" he whined. "We've only been
gone a few minutes."
"Just take me back," I said.
"I don't get it. I'm not good enough for you or
something? Why did you change your mind?" "Please, just take me back."
He sat back and slapped the steering wheel in
frustration, so hard it made me wince.
"There are words for girls like you," he said. "I don't need to hear them. Let's just go back,
Dana. Please."
He didn't start the car. He turned to me again
and just stared. I could see his eyes in the moonlight.
They looked like two small balls of fire.
"So, why did you meet me, huh? Why did you
tell Karen I was the best-looking boy in school, your
dream lover? Why did you get me to come to
Sandburg, anyway? What is this, some kind of game
you two play?" he asked, raising his voice with each
question.
"I didn't get you to come here. You said you
were going to be here and told me if I didn't show up I
was square."
"Because Karen told me you would meet me,
that you wanted to meet me. Did you or didn't you?
Well? Why would she lie about it? And you put on
your famous red bikini panties," he added. "Why?" I bit down on my lower lip. What could I say?
They're not mine? I was still wearing them, wasn't I?
And Karen's skirt, too.
I started to cry. I couldn't help it.
"Cut out the act," he snapped.
"I'm not acting."
"You want to know something? I think you're
sick. You're both sick. What was it she would tell the
other girls, that you're spiritual sisters? You're sisters,
all right, but it's not spiritual. It's weirdness that makes
you sisters. I guess she got some kind of perverted
kick getting me all lathered up about you, making you
sound like you were more sophisticated and even I
would learn new things, things I never imagined in
my best fantasy."
"What did she say?"
"Forget about all that. You know when a girl
meets a guy like this, it's as good as making a
promise. It's an unwritten agreement, a contract. Your
father's a lawyer. You should know that."
"What?"
"What, what, what are you, a light bulb?" he
cried, and then just threw open his door and got out. My heart was thumping. He was really in a
rage. Should I just get out and walk away or maybe
run away? We hadn't traveled that far, but it was far
enough to take me some time to get back to my bike
and then home. My father was surely going to be back
home by then.
"Dana!" I called, but I didn't see him I turned
and looked back and then in front of the car. Where
was he? What was he doing?
Suddenly, the passenger side door was jerked
open, and there he was, but my heart stopped and
seemed to drop to my stomach. He was standing there,
naked from the waist down, and in the moonlight, I
could see he had put on his protection. I was so
stunned that I couldn't move. He reached in and pulled
me out. I screamed, but he opened the rear door and
forced me back into the car, lying over me quickly
and forcing me back against the seat. There was no
room to maneuver.
"Let's get those red panties off once and for
all," he muttered.
I pushed at his shoulders, but his body was too
heavy. His hands were on my thighs, tugging at my
waist until he had the panties down below my knees. "Stop!" I screamed. "Please don't do this, Dana.
Please," I begged.
He grunted with the effort to have his way.
What once had the potential to be romantic and
beautiful had turned into something bestial and ugly.
This wasn't going to be a memory to call up in our old
age, as Karen had promised. It was going to be a
memory to bury and struggle forever to forget. How
could I stop it?
I don't know where the words came from, but I
dipped deeply into some treasured place and drew
them up. I spoke calmly, so calmly I even surprised
myself, because the calmness gave what I said more
authority and strength.
"You don't want to do this. You don't want to
be this kind of person, Dana. It will haunt you the rest
of your life. You won't be proud of yourself. You'll
hate yourself, and you'll think of it every time you're
with another girl, even the girl you eventually love
and marry. I'm a virgin!" I moaned. "Karen didn't tell
you the truth about me."
I felt his body soften and his grip on me loosen,
but he kept the side of his head against mine and
fought to slow his breathing. After another moment, he rose and backed out of the car. He slammed the door closed. I fixed my clothing and sat back to catch
my own breath. Would he return, or was this over? I heard him come around to the driver's side
and open the door. He got in and started the engine.
He didn't say anything, and neither did I. I just sat
there until he pulled around and drove out to the road
and back to the village, stopping at the post office. "I don't know where she is," he said, without
looking back at me. "But you tell her if she calls me
again, I'll go to the police. And don't you talk to me or
even look at me in school. I want to pretend this never
happened, understand?"
"Not any more than I do," I said.
I got out, and he pulled away quickly, his tires
squealing as he rounded the turn in the center of the
village and then disappeared. I got on my bike and
started for home.
And I cried all the way.