Secret for a Nightingale (26 page)

“If deprived altogether he would do anything to get the drug.”

“Should he be kept at home?”

“There is nowhere he could go. He has a small dose of laudanum every day. He craves for it. Really it is pitiful to see him and think what he was, and what he might still be. The doctor thought you should know of his state, and although he believes that nothing will bring about an improvement, he does think that your presence might soothe him.”

I was silent, dreading what lay before me.

Amelia greeted me very warmly.

“Somehow I knew you would come,” she said.

They took me to Aubrey’s room. He was sleeping. I hardly recognized him. He looked years older than when I had last seen him. He lay on his back breathing heavily.

“Come to your room,” said Amelia.

“When he wakes he will be told that you are here. I haven’t given you your old room. I thought you would rather not.”

How well she understood!

I went through the gallery so well-remembered, with the

wicked Harry looking down at me with sardonic amusement, to my room in the front of the house which overlooked the drive. As I looked out I pictured Julian running about in the grass down there. I steeled myself against all the memories which came flooding back.

Later when I saw Aubrey, I could not help being sorry for him. He was as feeble as an old man.

“Susanna,” he murmured.

“You came, then.”

I sat by his bed and he held out a hand to me. I took it and grasped it firmly.

“That,” he said, ‘is pleasant. I always loved your hands, Susanna.

They soothed me. God knows, I need soothing how. I’m glad you came. It is good of you. I want to say I’m sorry. “

“It’s all over. It’s finished. Don’t let’s blame anyone.”

“It could have been different.”

“I suppose everything could.”

“So easily .. he said.

“Remember …”

“I remember a great deal.”

“I meant it to be … the turning-point. I meant to give up the old ways.”

“I know that now.”

If only . “

“Don’t let’s grieve over what can’t be changed.”

“Forgive me, Susanna.”

“Forgive me, too.”

“Not you,” he said.

“Not you, Susanna. I’ve thought so much lately how different it could have been.”

“I know.”

“Stay here with me.”

“That is what I have come to do.”

“It won’t be long now, you know.”

“Perhaps you will recover.”

“From what is wrong with me? No, Susanna. I saw a man once … just like me. The craving … it is terrible. You’d do anything for it… even kill. It’s terrible.”

“I understand.”

“People should know before they start.”

“They do,” I said.

“But they go on.”

“Talk to me about Venice … the first weeks in Venice before I gave way. If only … I might have started then. I might have found my way back.”

So I talked of Venice, of my delight in the gondoliers, the palazzo, the Doges’ Palace, the lovely bridges, and I brought back to us both some of the magic of that honeymoon.

He kept a hold on my hand. He said it soothed him; and afterwards he fell into a deep and peaceful sleep.

If only he could have remained like that.

It was later the same day when I heard him screaming and shouting in the agony of withdrawal from the drug-and need. He had a male nurse who was more like a jailer, I thought. He was a strong man, as he had to be to control Aubrey in his dangerous moods, brought on by the craving.

Jack explained to me: “It has been a typical day with him. He has times when he is lucid and gentle, and then when it is time for his dose, this violence comes upon him. The dose is never enough, you see.

He has become so addicted. Jasper knows how to handle him. We don’t go near him when he is in one of his violent moods. “

After one of these seizures Aubrey would be exhausted and sleep for hours, which was a good thing, said the doctor, for he could not be given opiates as most of them contained opium, which was the enemy we were fighting against, and it would be unwise to increase the daily allowance of the drug.

I talked a great deal with Amelia and Jack. On Aubrey’s death. Jack would inherit Minster St. Clare, and on the advice of the lawyers had already taken over some of the work of the estate so Minster St. Clare would still be in the hands of a St. Clare. I was glad for him and for Amelia.

But those were sad days for me. I was plunged right back into that period of suffering. Once I went up to the nurseries and sat there while dusk was falling and my heart cried out for my lost child.

Longing for him, my anger at his death was as fierce as it had ever been. I remembered so many things: his first tottering steps; his first smile; his first teeth; the manner in which his

chubby fingers had curled round mine; the way in which his eyes lighted up when I appeared.

I mourned afresh my beloved boy.

And I said to myself: I will do it. I will find the man under whose influence Aubrey has been reduced to that wreck who is now living out the last days of his miserable life upstairs, the man whose experiments could have robbed me of my child.

Amelia found me there. She chided me.

“You must not sit here brooding,” she said.

“It is unwise. I felt that you were making a new life for yourself. And now you have Henrietta with you. Perhaps I should not have asked you to come back.”

“I’m glad I came,” I said.

“But it has changed things … I feel differently about Aubrey. Perhaps I could have helped him once. But I am glad I came back even though it has been painful. It had to be. I realize I have not forgotten one little part. It has just been there all the time …”

“My dear, you have to go on with the new life you are making.”

“Yes, I am going to. I think coming back has strengthened my resolve.”

Another day had passed. Aubrey seemed weaker. I sat by his bed and again we talked of the past, of our meeting in India, of those days on the ship journeying home, which had seemed magical to me. It seemed they had to him, too. I had not realized that in a way he had been reaching out to me then. He had seemed so worldly, so sophisticated, and I so inexperienced and innocent. Had I been older and wiser, I might have had an inkling. But I had not; and I felt I had failed him in some way. I had been unable to beguile him sufficiently to lure him away from the old habits, and my love had not been strong enough to keep me with him.

I held his hand. He liked that. He talked about my soothing hands.

When I saw that he was getting restive, I left. The change in him was frightening. I did not want to see him in those moods, restrained by the man I thought of as his keeper.

I had risen early that morning. I sat at the window looking out over the drive and thought of how I had planned to give Julian his first pony when he was a little older. I must escape from memories which could do me no good.

I had been so helped by all those in the London house. I tried to think of them the volatile Henrietta, my practical Jane and Polly;

dear old Joe with his memories of the London to Bath run; and Lily with her romance. They had helped me through the difficult months and now that I was away from them I was slipping back into melancholy.

While I sat at the window contemplating these matters, there was a knock on my door.

Amelia came in and immediately I knew that something was very wrong.

“It’s Aubrey,” she said.

“He’s gone. Disappeared.”

“But where?”

She shook her head.

“He’s not in the house. Jack and I have looked everywhere.”

“But where could he have gone?”

“Jasper has no idea. He took his dose last evening and appeared to go to sleep. This morning his bed was empty.”

“What can have happened to him?”

“We’ve no idea. He can’t-have gone far. His clothes are there.”

“Do you think he has done himself some harm?”

“We did think of that.”

“Do you think he found the laudanum?”

“Jasper says no. He has it locked away in his room. The cupboard had not been tampered with and the bottle had certainly not been touched since he put it away.”

“What are we going to do?”

“He can’t have gone far in his night things … he only had on his slippers and dressing-gown. He must be somewhere in the house.”

“Has everywhere been searched?”

“Yes. They’re going over it again. I thought I ought to come and tell you.”

I went downstairs with her. I saw Jack. He shook his head.

“He is simply not to be found.”

“Do you think he has left the house … gone into the grounds?”

asked Amelia.

“We’re searching them. He can’t have gone far.”

I followed them out of doors and went towards the wood.

“We’ve searched it,” called Jack.

“I wonder …” I murmured, for a thought had occurred to me. I started to run through the wood. I came out on the other side. I climbed up the hillock and slid down the other side and as I did so I saw that the door of the temple was open. Some instinct told me that that was where I should find him.

I went in. A chill pervaded the atmosphere. I could smell the same smell which I knew now came from the drugs which had been smoked here.

I felt a great desire to turn back, not to penetrate that evil place.

I had an uncanny feeling that if the door shut me in I should not be able to escape.

I remembered the first time I had come here. I found a stone and propped it against the door. I took a deep breath of fresh air before advancing through the passage to that open space which I now knew to be a shrine to the Devil.

Then I saw the idol and Aubrey. The great statue with the yellow eyes, the horns and the cloven feet was lying on the floor and there was something beneath it.

I knew.

It was Aubrey.

To me it was symbolic. The statue represented the man who had destroyed him. In one of his frenzies he had gone to the temple and attacked it, with the result that it had toppled over and killed him.

The great fear, ever since his obsession had resulted in those violent moments, was that he would do some harm either to himself or some other. At last it had happened.

Poor doomed Aubrey.

I stayed at the Minster for the funeral. There were few people at the ceremony. In the circumstances, Amelia and Jack had thought that it should be as quiet as possible. Afterwards the will was read. It was

very much as we had expected. Jack was now the master of Minster. I had been left an amount of money which would bring me in a small income, and that, added to what I had already from my father, made my future free from financial anxiety.

Amelia and Jack took an affectionate farewell, extracting a promise that I would visit them again soon.

I had let them know in London the time of my arrival so Joe was waiting at the station. When I stepped into the house Henrietta dashed out to embrace me and Jane and Polly stood at a respectful distance, waiting for their turn to greet me.

There were flowers everywhere and laurels had been hung over the pictures.

“We missed you so much!” said Henrietta.

And I felt I had really come home.

Henrietta wanted to hear all that happened; and she listened, wide-eyed, when I told her how Aubrey had met his end.

I said: “I am sure he was trying to pull down that hideous statue. Of course, the thing was a hundred years old. It must have given way and fallen on top of him. I believe he thought it was Damien … the man who had destroyed him.”

“We’ll find him one day,” said Henrietta, smiling secretly.

“You think it is a wild thing to attempt.”

“Most things worthwhile are. You’re very sad,” she added.

“I feel remorseful about Aubrey. Perhaps I should have stayed and looked after him.”

“You did what seemed best at the time. You mustn’t get a conscience about it all. How could you have lived with a man who was drugged half the time. You did what seemed right then. It’s no use looking back.

You have to go forward. “

“You’re right. I feel I have come to the end of a phase. I’m a widow now, Henrietta.”

“Which is a more respectable thing to be than a woman who has left her husband!”

“I suppose you are right. I’m a little richer, too.”

“That’s a good thing. Finances were a bit stretched, weren’t they?

You’ve taken on a seamstress. If ever you feel remorseful about Aubrey, remember what you’ve done for Lily. You can’t

save all the world at the same time. “

“You’re a comfort to me, Henrietta. I’m glad you came.”

“There, you see, you are glad, so that is a mark in my favour. But think of all the black marks I get for jilting Tom Carlton.”

“Are you sure you have no regrets about that?”

“Completely and utterly sure. Life has become exciting, full of possibilities. I have not been idle while you have been away.”

“What have you been doing?”

“For the moment it’s a secret.”

“I hate secrets which I don’t share.”

“So do I. But you will know this … in time. I don’t want to spoil it by telling you half before it’s ready.”

“I am very curious. Is it a lover?”

“How people’s minds run along one track. If a girl has a secret, everyone presumes it must be a man. Even you, Anna.”

“Isn’t it, then?”

“You look relieved. Is that because you thought I might be going away?”

I nodded.

“Well, that’s the nicest thing. I’ve wondered sometimes whether I’ve been something of a burden. I did drag you into my affairs and didn’t give you much chance to refuse involvement. It was because I knew there was something special about you. I knew we were meant to be friends. I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for me.

Whatever happens, we shall always be friends. My secret is something we’ll be in together. “

“You’ve told me so much, why not tell me all?”

“In good time. Just be patient a little longer.” She turned the conversation to other things. Lily’s projects for marriage were going along at great speed.