Secret for a Nightingale (25 page)

For more than two months Henrietta’s affairs dominated our lives; and when the storm finally died down, I found I was another step away from my overwhelming grief and was beginning to take a greater interest in life.

Lily Craddock’s affairs werejiext to demand our attention. I had noticed a change in her. She went out more frequently;

she had always been an outstandingly pretty girl, but now she was radiantly so.

It was not long before Jane and Polly prised the secret from her.

Lily often called at her favourite haberdasher’s where she said she found the best lace trimmings and coloured silks in London, and she was on fairly good terms with the owners a Mr. and Mrs. Clift. A few weeks previously she had been in the shop when a handsome soldier had come from the parlour while Mrs. Clift was serving Lily. She had said:

“Oh, William, you must meet Miss Craddock. She’s one of our best customers.”

“It seemed,” said Jane, recounting this to me, ‘they took to each other and that was it. What you might call love at first sight. “

“So,” I said, ‘this is the reason for the change in Lily. “

“Lily is, in a manner of speaking, courting,” added Polly.

We were all very excited about this turn in Lily’s fortunes, particularly when it seemed that William Clift was serious in his intentions.

Lily was asked to tea in the Clift establishment and she came back in a daze of happiness. I said she must ask William to tea with her, and there was a good deal of preparation and bustle in the kitchen. Jane made a cake and Lily made new collar and cuffs for her best gown.

Henrietta thought that we should all be present and that the tea-party

should take place in the drawing-room. But Jane firmly put her foot down. What sort of place would the Clifts think this was with servants taking tea with the mistress in the drawing-room?

No! Jane knew how these things should be done. There should be tea in the kitchen which was the right place for it and then Henrietta and I should come down after they had all eaten and we should be introduced to William in the proper manner.

Everything went according to plan. Henrietta and I went down at the appropriate time and were formally introduced.

William was a good-looking young man and his manly bearing was enhanced by his uniform. He told me that he hoped to leave the army when he married and settle down in the shop, which was now becoming more prosperous than it had been when he enlisted. He thought he and Lily would live there with his parents when they were married.

It sounded ideal and I was delighted for Lily.

After William had left she came to me and told me rather tearfully how much she appreciated what I had done for her.

She said: “The luckiest day of my life was when I walked under your carriage. When I think it might have been someone else’s carriage I go cold with fear.”

That was one of the nicest compliments I could receive but I felt I didn’t deserve it. I had really done very little. I was so much better than I had been. Involvement in the affairs of those around me had taken me away from my troubles.

Henrietta was now settled in. She was part of the household and she told me that she felt so different, so happy and alive.

“Compared with what you have been used to, this must be a very humble existence,” I said.

She did not deny it. She said thoughtfully: “But here I have something I never had before. Freedom! Do you know, I am beginning to believe that that is the most desirable thing in the world. Here I think my own thoughts. I don’t believe what has been put into my mind is gospel truth. I make my own decisions. How glad I am that I did not marry Tom Carlton. I should now be his wife. Think of that.”

“So rich. So highly cherished in society,” I reminded her.

“My birthright sold for a mess of pottage.”

I laughed at her. I understood what she meant. She talked a great deal about her childhood, her coming out, her mission in life, as she called it: “To find a rich husband and save the family fortunes. Now I am free. I shall marry whom I like or no one at all … if that is what I want. I go where I want to. I do what I want to. Glorious freedom.”

I found I was confiding in her. I told her a little of my married life, which culminated in the death of my son.

“I want more than anything to forget. I want to make something else so important in my life that I do not constantly look back. I want to put the past behind me. I want to forget disappointment disillusion and grief.

Henrietta, I want to nurse the sick, bringing them back to health. “

She looked at me in horror.

“Do you mean become a nurse?”

“Yes, I think I do.” I spread my hands and looked at them.

“I think I have a talent for it. My hands have a healing touch. It’s almost mystic, but it has been apparent once or twice.”

She took them and looked at them.

“They are beautifully shaped. They should be adorned with fine emeralds, diamonds and such gems.”

“No,” I said, withdrawing them, ‘they should be doing useful things.

”

“Anna, seriously, you could not be a nurse. You saw what they were like when you went to get Lily.”

“But I want to change all that. I want to make it different.”

“Miss Nightingale is trying to do just that. I was always hearing about her before I ran away. She, like you, is appalled by all that misery in the hospitals. Of course, they all think it is very unfeminine of her. Her people don’t like it at all. They’ve done everything they can to stop her.” She smiled.

“But no one can stop a woman like her from doing what she has really made up her mind to.”

“I am making up my mind, Henrietta. Oh, my thoughts are jumbled and I dream a lot. And there is one figure which haunts my dreams. It is a man … an evil man. His name is Damien. He has lived a strange life.

He has gone native in remote places of the world. “

“Did he write a book?”

“Yes.”

“The one I am thinking of is a great doctor … some sort of pioneer.”

“Posing as one, I believe. I want to find him. There is much I want to know about him. I believe he is responsible for my husband’s deterioration … for my son’s death.”

“How?”

“He is interested in drugs … opium … laudanum … and strange ones which are to be found in the East. He experiments with them. Perhaps even on himself in moderation … but he gets other people to take them so that he can see the effect. He ruins lives so that he can make great discoveries and enhance his reputation. Have you ever heard of Madame de Brinvilliers, the poisoner?”

“Vaguely. Didn’t she try out her poisons on people in hospitals?”

“Yes. Well, I class him with her. They are of a kind.”

“But she was a wicked woman. She poisoned people for their money, I believe.”

“He is a wicked man. He poisons people in the name of science so that he can tell the world of his great discoveries. He is even worse because he is a hypocrite.”

“I should have thought she was that going round the hospitals as a benefactress to the poor patients and testing out her poisons on them.”

“Well, they are both in the same class. Henrietta, I want to find that man. I want to come face to face with him. I want to work in secret and expose him. I want to catch him … red handed at his evil work.”

She looked at me in astonishment.

“That doesn’t sound like you,” she said.

“You’re usually so calm … so reasonable.”

“And you don’t think I’m being calm and reasonable now?”

“No. You’re vehement. You hate this man whom you’ve never seen.”

“I have seen him once … in Venice. He brought Aubrey back to the palazzo … drugged.”

“Do you think he was responsible?”

“I am sure of it.”

“How exciting! How do you propose to find this man?”

“I don’t know.”

“That’s where it becomes so wild.”

“Plans come into my mind and they seem so impossible that I reject them. But my determination continues. I can never be at peace with myself until I find this man. There are questions I want to ask him.

Only by knowing him can I discover his methods. “

“I thought you knew his methods.”

“I know in my heart that he is evil. He is doing a great deal of harm and I am going to find him, Henrietta.”

“All right, then. But how?”

“It’s like fate in a way. He is a doctor.” I looked down at my hands.

“I have this desire to nurse the sick, to do something about those appalling hospitals. It seems as if it is ordained. As a nurse, I should have a chance of finding him. It is something I have a feeling for. I know I should be a good one. My first step will be to become a nurse.”

“How?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“You couldn’t go into one of those hospitals. They wouldn’t have you.

You wouldn’t fit in among those sordid people. “

“I have heard certain things about Miss Nightingale. She is trying to change the way in which we care about our sick. I am sure she would want people like me to study nursing … people who are dedicated to helping the sick. Those so-called nurses in the hospital did not care in the least about the old, the sick and the poor. That must change.

They are themselves derelicts of society. Miss Nightingale is going to change all that, and when she does she will want her dedicated nurses beside her. Henrietta, I want to find out how to train to be a nurse!

”

She nodded.

“I think I should rather like that, too.”

“You?”

“Why not? I like to be doing something. I don’t want to spend my life idling away. I have decided. I’m going to train to be a nurse with you.”

“Do you remember that dinner-party at the Carberrys’?”

“As if I would forget! It was when I knew you’d help me.”

“There was talk of Miss Nightingale’s going to some place in Germany.

Kaiserswerth, I think. “

“I remember.”

“I want to find out about it. You knew the family, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“And you do see some of your old friends occasionally?”

She nodded again.

“Perhaps you could make a few enquiries.”

“About Kaiserswerth and whether it is possible for two aspiring nurses to go there?”

“Exactly.”

Henrietta’s eyes sparkled. She looked intrigued; and I wondered whether it was the idea of tracking down the Devil Doctor which appealed to her, rather than entering into the profession of nursing.

The enthusiasms had taken root. The excitement of Lily’s engagement had died down. She was now a sober young woman collecting for her bottom drawer. That was very pleasant, but Henrietta liked excitement.

The great project, as she called it, was now her main concern. She set about her mission with a skill worthy of a secret agent.

A few days later I was startled to receive a letter from Minster St. Clare. My fingers trembled as I opened it. It was from Amelia. She wrote:

My dear Anna, You will be surprised to see me writing from the above address. As a matter of fact. Jack and I are here. We were advised to come. Aubrey is very ill indeed. It was inevitable. His condition deteriorated considerably after you left apparently, and we are informed that in such cases decline is rapid.

The doctor believes that he cannot long survive. He is allowed regular doses oflaudanam which of course contains opium and it is his addiction to that drug which has brought him to this state. He cannot be deprived of it absolutely, say the doctors, for if he were he would probably become violent.

It gives me great pain to write to you in this way, for in spite of all that happened I know you feel something for him. He is lucid for periods and he talks continually of you. If you could come and be with him for a little while, the doctors think it would soothe him.

My dear Anna, this is a very sad letter for me to write, and if you say you cannot come, I will understand. I am writing this because the doctor suggests I should. I believe Aubrey has not long to live.

Perhaps you could reassure him in some way. I think he has a deep sense of guilt and would like to make his peace with you.

My love as always, and I hope that I shall see you. Amelia

I was stunned. I had not thought to see Aubrey and the Minster again.

My first thoughts were: No, no, I cannot go. I cannot revive old memories. It is asking far too much.

For a whole day I did not reply to the letter.

When Henrietta noticed my preoccupation she wanted to know what was wrong. I showed her the letter.

“I can’t go,” I said vehemently.

“It will revive all that I am trying to put behind me. There will be memories of my little boy everywhere.

With everything that has been happening, I have managed to forget a little. It would open it all up again. “

“Anna Pleydell,” said Henrietta solemnly, ‘if you don’t go, you will have it on your conscience all your life. I know you well, and that is how it will be. Your husband failed you. You needed to get away. You wanted freedom. I know what that meant to you. Yes, old wounds will be opened. You will suffer, but you will suffer more in all the years to come if you don’t go. “

I pondered what she had said. For all her outward frivolity she was capable of flashes of wisdom; and after more consideration, I decided to go.

I was met at the station by Jack St. Clare.

As we were driving to the Minster he said: “You will see a great change in Aubrey.”

“I expected to. But it is rather sudden, isn’t it?”

“It would be about a year since you last saw him, I think.”

“Yes,” I answered.

“The doctor said that when the final stages set in they would advance rapidly.”

“He is dying, isn’t he?”

“I don’t think he can live very long in the state in which he is. He is becoming very thin. He is nervous, irritable and scarcely eats anything. I think he suffers pain when he attempts to. The doctor says that to deprive him of the drug entirely now can produce disturbances and collapse.”

“Do you mean he could become violent?”