Science...For Her! (41 page)

There are many other theories about how the universe was created. Some people believe that God created the universe and that there was no big bang. Like most scientists who believe in the big bang, I believe in the big bang. But I can see the other side, too. If God
didn’t
create everything with intelligent design, then how is your finger the
exact
right size to put in your man’s butthole? It’s very confusing!

FIG. 7.2

A
planet
is an astrological object orbiting a star. Planets are divided into
solar systems
, which include some random number of planets orbiting a sun. Our planet is called
Earth
and our sun is called
sun
. My favorite planet is Earth, because that’s where malls are!
FIG. 7.3

FIG. 7.3

Earth is the third-closest planet to the sun, which is why it’s so sunny in the summer! A year is 365 days because that’s the amount of time it takes for Earth to orbit around the sun. Conversely, a period is about five days because that’s the time when the moon is close enough to Earth to
pull your uterine lining
out through your vagina like a
vagina tide
. Gravity is
very
important!

Earth is about 4.54 billion years old. That’s so old! That’s like a million years old! Earth would be able to orbit the sun until the sun begins dying. In around five billion years from now (August 11 at 3:33
P.M.
PDT, I’m sponge-bathing my boyfriend and wearing a child’s bathing suit), the sun will become a
red giant
(more in the star section) and expand to engulf Earth in flames. Now
that’s
what I call a
burning sensation
!!! That’s not what my doctor calls a burning sensation, apparently—he thinks coma boy gave me “something.” It’s like, tell me what you
really
think, doc!
FIG. 7.4

FIG. 7.4

There are seven other planets besides Earth. They are:
Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus,
and
Neptune.
There used to be a planet called
Pluto
, but it was kicked out of the solar system in 2006. This is basically the first case of
interstellar bullying
. What did Pluto do except chill and be a sweet li’l guy?! Just because he’s a little smaller and nerdier than the other
planets, Pluto gets kicked out and can’t do any of the fun stuff with the other planets. I’m talkin’ planet prom, planet farmers’ market, etc. etc.

You can reach the other planets using
spacecrafts
like
rockets
. Maybe you’ve heard of Pocket Rockets™? Aka my fave type of vibrator, ladies! Rockets are like Pocket Rockets™, except that they go into the sky and out into space! Think of space rockets as the Pocket Rockets™, and outer space as the vagina!

You may have heard about Mars and Venus—which are both
planets
—from the book
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.
That book is a liar! It should be titled
Men Are from Earth, Women Are Also from Earth.

Now, I have a bone to pick about this next topic,
the moon.
So many people truly hate the moon, and I just don’t get it! I mean, like 90 percent of the people (and women!) I meet, the first thing they say to me is—and pardon my French—“Putain, comment pouvez-vous aimer ce morceau de merde la lune, you fuck????”
FIG. 7.5

I guess my beautiful French friends are just negative these days. Even beautiful, majestic orbs like planets or moons or breasts can have their detractors.

FIG. 7.5

Stars are a huge part of most women’s day-to-day life! We love to read about stars’ lives! We make decorations on cupcakes in the shape of stars! Our ankles have tattoos of stars! Our lower backs have tattoos of stars! Our faces have tattoos of teardrops! We killed another woman in prison! My friend Maggie has a dolphin tattoo on her lower back. I thought it was just for fun, but I guess she killed a dolphin and the tattoo law for that works similar to the human/teardrop thing? What I’m saying is, any woman you see with a dolphin tattoo has killed a dolphin.