Scars (18 page)

Holly remained still for minutes, sitting alone on the empty bed that suddenly seemed so huge. She felt empty, numb. Lost. Matt had been gone ten minutes, and she already felt utterly at a loss without him. What was she supposed to do now?

She took a shaky breath. Slowly, her head cleared, even though she still felt like she was moving through a haze. She knew what she needed to do. She needed to pull herself together, take a shower, and get the hell out of San Diego. She needed to go home. Whatever that might bring.

She stood up and was surprised to find that her legs were steady. She walked into the bathroom and under the hot spray of the shower. The water didn’t wash way the emotions that were threatening to overwhelm her. Holly pushed them all down. She wanted to prolong this moment of blissful numbness, where the reality of what had just happened had yet to truly sink in.

She was alone, Holly realized. She was truly, utterly, completely alone. And she knew that going home would not change that. She knew she would be alone there, too. But she also knew that she couldn’t run forever. She could only hope she was strong enough to convince her father to let her marry whomever she pleased. Which, for the record, was no one, because she didn’t feel like she would ever love anyone the way she had loved—and
still
loved, damn him—Matt.

Holly turned off the shower. She stepped out of the tub and toweled herself dry. She went back into the room and got dressed. She moved automatically, her brain giving her body the impulses it needed to get on with life. She could only hope her heart would catch up soon.

***

As it turned out, Holly didn’t go very far. When she went to withdraw the money for a bus ticket out of San Diego, she discovered that her father had bled her almost dry. She had $55 bucks to her name. It was barely enough for three more nights at the motel.

Which was exactly how Holly spent it. At this point, she didn’t have much choice except to find herself a job. She knew it would be near to impossible, but she had no other alternative. She paid for the nights, and for the nights only. She didn’t have any money left for food. By the time the evening of the second day rolled along, her stomach was grumbling furiously and she felt exhausted. She had found no job, which really did not come as a surprise.

Holly sat at the table in the tiny, sad kitchen that she had nothing to cook in. She stared absently at the white surface of the table. She had no money, no food, no experience, no job…and in a little over twenty-four hours she would also have no roof. To say that she was in trouble would be an understatement.

Holly racked her brain for a solution, but she couldn’t see any. Besides, she was too hungry and exhausted to think straight.

She jumped when a knock at the door startled her out of the reverie. She did not move. She didn’t want to see anybody. Besides, she didn’t know anyone in this city; whoever was on the other side of the door could have nothing of interest to say to her.

The knocking came again, louder and more insistent. Again, Holly did not move.

Another series of knocks, and this time the knocking was accompanied by a voice.

“Holly? Holly, are you in there?”

Holly jumped up and nearly stumbled when her world spun for a moment. She grabbed the edge of the table for support. Surely the hunger and exhaustion were playing tricks on her.

“Holly? Open up, I know you’re here. The receptionist told me you’ve booked three more nights, and I can see the lights are on. Holly!”

“Matt?” Holly mouthed the name to herself, incredulous.

“Holly, goddammit! So help me God, I’ll kick this door in!”

Holly flew to the door. She fumbled with the chain and the lock and threw it open. It was Matt. It was really Matt. He was standing in front of him wearing a hoodie and a faded pair of blue jeans with that beat-up rucksack of his slung over his shoulder.

Holly stared at him. “Are you…are you real?” It was a stupid thing to say, but she couldn’t help it. She just couldn’t believe her eyes.

Matt huffed. “Yeah, I’m real. Can I come in?”

Holly stepped aside numbly and let him pass. He closed the door behind him and turned around to face her. He looked very stern.

“Don’t you have anything to say to me?” he demanded.

“Uh…” Holly said, intelligently.

“What’s this?” He shoved a hand in his pocket and handed a piece of paper over to her.

Holly paled. It was the receipt from one of her latest withdrawals, which also indicated her remaining balance—a glorious sum of $65.90.

“What…where…?” she stammered.

“I found it in the pocket of this hoodie,” Matt said, gesturing to the black garment he was wearing. “Remember? I’d lent it to you one evening when you were cold.”

The memory flashed back. Holly couldn’t believe she had been so stupid as to leave the receipt in there.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Matt asked. He lost his sternness now and looked at her in concern and perhaps a hint of hurt.

Holly shrugged. She turned her back on him and went to sit at one of the kitchen’s chairs. She looked up at him and saw him watch her carefully. In fact, he was so intent that she had to wonder if he could read the hunger on her face or, perhaps, in her body language.

“Holly,” Matt said again, gently. “What’s the story with that receipt?”

Holly sighed. There was no really no point in continuing to hide it from him. “My father has been taking away money from my accounts. He emptied my checking account first, and then he went on to do the same with my savings account. I guess he’s trying to force me to go home. Trouble is, he didn’t leave me with enough money for a ticket to Texas. He must have miscalculated.”

The $55 she had been left with were definitely
not
enough to go back to Lincoln.

Matt stared at her in shock. “That son of a bitch!” he hissed. He let the rucksack fall to the floor. “Is that why you kept making excuses not to do anything with me?”

Holly grimaced. “Yes. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t understand,” he said. “Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped you.”

“I didn’t want you to think I was only sticking around to get a free ride.”

Matt looked dumbfounded. “Holly…I would
never
think that!”

The vehemence with which he said it brought tears to her eyes. “Really?”

“Really. I thought…I thought you didn’t want me anymore. I thought you didn’t want
us
anymore.”

“But I did. I do,” Holly said. She felt the tears slide down her cheeks, and she made no attempt to stop them; she was simply too tired to care. “I love you. I love us, what we had…even if it’s just for a short period of time in our lives.”

Matt closed the distance between them. He knelt on the floor to be eye-level with her—man, but he was tall! He put a hand on her knees. It was warm, gentle, and Holly cried a little harder as she realized just how much she had missed her touch.

“Is this what your talk about going back to your parents really was about?”

Holly sniffled audibly. “Yes,” she confessed. “I saw no other options. I still don’t. After you left, I tried looking for a job, but so far no one will hire me. I have no experience.”

Matt reached out and wiped away her tears with one gentle hand. “Holly,” he said, gently but firmly. He caught her gaze and held her to assure himself that he had her undivided attention. “I’m here now. We’ll figure this out.”

Holly stared at him. “I don’t understand…I thought you wanted to leave?”

“I didn’t really. I thought you didn’t want me anymore, so I convinced myself that it was the right thing to do.” He gave her an embarrassed smile. “Pretty stupid, huh?”

Holly smiled shakily. “I guess we both were.”

Matt pulled her in for a kiss. He kissed her thoroughly and passionately, uncaring of the salt he must be tasting from her tears. He enveloped her in his arms and held her tight. Holly lay her head on his shoulder.

A moment later, a grumbling sound could be heard loud as thunder in the relatively quiet room. Holly blushed furiously.

Matt pushed her gently away from him and stared at her. “Have you eaten?”

Holly licked her lips nervously. “I’ve got $55 bucks to my name,” she confessed. “I used it to pay for the room. I’m broke now.”

Matt’s eyes widened. “You haven’t eaten since I left?”

“Not really.”

“Holly, what the fuck?”

Holly winced. “Sorry. What was I supposed to do?”

“Get your ass into a 7 Eleven and shoplift, that’s what you do!”

Holly stared at him in shock and horror. “Shoplift? Are you serious?”

Matt chuckled fondly. “All right, princess. You stay put, I’m going to get us some groceries and I’m going to cook you one hell of a meal.”

“But—”

Matt silenced her with a finger to her lips. “I don’t want to hear a peep out of you until you’ve gotten some food into that gorgeous body of yours.” He kissed her swiftly. “I’ll be right back.”

Holly watched him go, stunned. For a terrifying while, she wondered whether he had just been a beautiful dream, but twenty minutes later he came back with the food. He kept his promise, cooking a to-die-for pasta dish that filled the hole in her stomach. Still, what Matt really filled that night was the hole in her heart.

Matt rented out the motel room for another week, during which they did all that Holly had been forced to turn down. They explored the city thoroughly. Holly felt bad about Matt paying for everything, but she promised herself she would pay him back as soon as possible.

Now that the week was drawing to an end, she experienced once again the fear and confusion that had been her horrific companions for such a long time. She packed her duffel bag and did her best not to panic, but her tension must have been written all over her body, because Matt stopped short when he walked out of the bathroom after his shower.

“What is it?” he asked.

Holly was so preoccupied that she almost didn’t notice how gorgeous he looked with only a towel wrapped around his waist to cover his nakedness.
Almost
. She was scared, not blind, and she stored the image away in her memory.

She shrugged. “I’m just worried, I guess.”

“About what?”

“About what’s going to come. I still don’t know if I’ll be able to find a job in the next town.”

“Then we’ll go to the next one. And the next one after that. We’ll keep going until you find one.”

That was the plan. Holly couldn’t bear the thought of going back to Texas, and neither could Matt. More importantly, neither of them could bear the thought of parting ways again. So they would have kept going until Holly could find a job. And then they would attempt to settle in. At least for a while.

“Are you sure about this?” Holly asked.

“I’m positive.” Matt walked up to her and gently reached out to push an errant lock of long hair behind her ear. “I love you, Holly. I want to be with you. Let’s find a place to call home.”

He didn’t add “for a while” this time, and Holly blinked. She had the feeling he was talking about something different. Something bigger.

“What…” She cleared her throat and tried again. “Matt, what are you saying?”

Matt smiled. “Wait here,” he said. He kissed her cheek and then walked over to where his rucksack lay next to the table in the kitchen. He rummaged in it for a bit and came back to her holding a sketchbook, brushes, colors, and pencils. He held it all out to her. “This is for you.”

She took it numbly, looking down at the painting supplies in confusion. She looked back up at him, quizzically. “I don’t understand.”

“I want to be with you,” he said again. “And I’m not talking just about traveling aimlessly through the country. I want to
really
be with you. I want us to be a couple. So here’s my proposal…” He took a deep breath. “We find a good place to settle down. We find you a job. We find a house to call home and we try and build a life there. I’m not talking marriage,” he hurried to reassure. “Just…a couple living together. We try to build our lives as they were supposed to be built. You work, you go to school. You become an artist. Me…I’ll keep looking for myself, for a while at least. Maybe I’ll find myself through building a life somewhere. I’ve no doubt I’ll find myself if you’re by my side.” Once he was done talking, he took a deep, shaky breath. “What do you say, Holly?”

Holly stared at him. It took a while for his words to sink in. It took a while for the wonderful enormity of what Matt was suggesting to reach her. “Matt…are you sure?” she asked again.

“Yes,” he said immediately. His green eyes were shining. “I love you, Holly.”

Holly melted. She carefully put the painting supplies on the bed, and then she all but threw herself at him. “I love you, too,” she said, pulling him in for a long, passionate kiss.

Matt held her tightly. “I take it as a yes?” He laughed once they pulled back just enough to catch their breath.

Holly laughed, too. “Yes,” she said. “Yes, yes, yes.” She punctuated each “yes” with a kiss. Then she froze as a thought entered her mind. “But…what about your sister?”

“I’ll go visit her,” Matt said. “And she can visit us. If that’s okay with you.”

Holly beamed. She liked that word, “us.” It made her feel complete, content. At peace. “Of course it’s okay with me,” she said. “In fact, I would like that very much.”

Matt smiled brightly at her. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

He kissed her again, and as he kissed her he pushed her gently down onto the bed, where they proceeded to make love, kicking the painting supplies off the mattress. It was intense and tender, unlike any other time they’d had together so far. Because this time was different. Because this time they had a plan, a
real
plan. Because this time there was an “us”.

Matt fell asleep in Holly’s arms that night, and Holly held him protectively. She could not believe her luck. Life was strange that way, she realized. One day you were drowning, and the next you were soaring.

She held Matt a little tighter. Her mind began to wander as she allowed herself to imagine what the future would look like. She tried to imagine the house they would turn into a home. She tried to imagine the town. She hoped it would be a seaside town, because God knew she had gotten used to and had become very fond of the smell of the ocean.

She imagined the life Matt had described and realized that she wanted it badly. She promised herself she would do all that was in her power to make that dream of theirs come true.

They had a plan now. They were no longer lost. The sensation was exhilarating. Holly had no idea what was waiting for them. She didn’t know what time they would pick or what job she would find. All she knew was that she would make it happen. All she knew was that she wanted nothing more than to have the chance to take care of Matt the way he had been taking care of her from day one.

The unknown waited for them out there, and for the first time, it wasn’t scary.