Scars (14 page)

Matt didn’t say anything. It most definitely did
not
sound pretty. “Do you think we should stop?” he asked after a moment. “Running, I mean. Do you think we should go back and face our fates?”

Holly seemed to think about it for a moment. “I’m not ready to do that just yet,” she finally said. “Are you?”

“No,” Matt said. “I’m not. I think I’d much rather stay with you for a little while longer.”

“Me too.”

He pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her. He dropped a soft kiss to the top of her head. Her hair smelled like sex and strawberries. It was an intoxicating kind of smell. He listened as her breath evened out and she fell asleep against him. He looked past her into the dark. So much for being strong, he thought. So much for facing his responsibilities. So much for pushing her away.

Matt had never felt so confused in his life—and that was saying a lot, because God knew he had faced some confusing times in the past. Suddenly he wasn’t so sure Holly was a distraction after all. Perhaps she was the key. Perhaps she was the only one who could really help him find himself, and he would only get more lost if he pushed her away. Perhaps there was a reason why their paths had crossed.

Matt closed his eyes. There were too many questions, too many thoughts swirling around in his head. He wondered what Holly thought about their situation. Did she see him as a distraction? Or did she see him as a vital part of her journey? Could he help her find herself?

He sighed heavily. Leaving Texas and his sister behind had been hard enough, but he figured the hardest thing he would have to do on this journey would be to come to terms with his own demons. As it turned out, the hardest thing he would have to do was dealing with the fact that he had fallen wholly, unexpectedly in love.

Holly’s funds were dwindling more and more with each passing day, so much so that she had eventually decided to resign herself to the only, awful choice she had. She would go back. She would face her parents. She would do all that was in her power to convince her father to change his mind about her future, and if she couldn’t she would learn to do what her mother had done—she would learn to love the man someone else had chosen for her. Never mind that her love—a word she had recently discovered she had never truly known the meaning of until this mind-blowing, roller coaster experience on the road—was all for someone else.

The memories from the previous night were still very much vivid in her mind and on her body. She didn’t even need to close her eyes to find herself back in those moments; all she needed to do was to allow her mind to go there. And the more the day progressed, the more she found that her mind was very much inclined to go back there. She didn’t know what had possessed her. There she was, resolute and determined to keep Matt at a distance until she could finally find the nerve to say goodbye…and yet she had somehow managed to end up in bed with him, touching him and being touched all over. She had meant to keep pushing him away the way she had done over the past couple of weeks, and instead she had found herself inviting him in, in the most intimate of ways.

There was just something about Matt. Holly had never quite grasped the meaning of the sentence, “I don’t know how to quit you”…until now. She had no clue how to quit Matt. She knew she had to, and soon, for both their sakes, and yet…and yet, she couldn’t bring herself to. No matter how much she tried to convince herself that she needed to put his handsome face and smoking body in the her metaphorical rear-view mirror as soon as possible, she just couldn’t do it. No matter how hard Holly tried to distance herself, she always ended up gravitating towards him.

She had woken up that morning feeling anything but proud about the night of fireworks that she herself had initiated. If anything, she felt guilty about it. What was she doing, pulling Matt in like that? What was she doing, responding to his “I love you” when she very well knew she would leave him soon?

She should never have accepted his invitation to dinner in the first place. She should have made up yet another excuse. But Matt’s green eyes had lit up at the thought of being able to do something like that for her and with her, and Holly had not had the heart to say no. Besides, she had told herself, even though they had very little time left together, there was no written rule that they shouldn’t enjoy it to the fullest. Matt was trying to do something special for her, and in turn she tried to make the evening extra special for him by setting it up like a real date—complete with getting ready separately and meeting at the selected place. To Holly’s own surprise, by the time she had gotten to the restaurant, she felt lighter than she had in days. This was a real date with the man she loved, and despite all the dark clouds hovering over them, she couldn’t help but be happy.

Add to that elatedness a couple extra glasses of wine and Matt’s breathtaking appearance, and it was a wonder Holly had not taken him right then and there on the restaurant table.

She couldn’t keep doing this. She had woken up with all of her determination gone and with confused thoughts once again swirling around in her head. She had to make up her mind somehow. Stay with Matt and beg him for help, or go back to her parents and the choices they had made for her? It was an impossible decision.

The day had gone on more or less without a glitch. They walked around San Diego hand in hand, and Holly felt as though Matt’s hand burned in hers. She was so hopelessly in love with him that she didn’t know how to handle it. Conversation flew easily, until that evening Matt came up with yet another plan.

“I was thinking,” he said as they walked in to their motel room after a solid eight hours of walking around the city. “Perhaps we could go to the movies tonight.”

Holly cringed. She did a quick calculation in her head. They were supposed to leave the next day. Buses were expensive. So were movies.

“Sorry, Matt,” she said, as casually as she could. “I’m beat. You go ahead without me if you’d like.”

Matt stared at her. His green eyes searched carefully, and she did her best not to squirm. “Would you mind telling me what’s going on with you?”

Holly frowned. “What do you mean?”

“You’ve been very distant lately.”

Shit.
“I wouldn’t call what we did that night ‘being distant’,” she said with a grin. She walked up to the small fridge in the tiny kitchen and took out two of the beers they had bought the previous day. She opened one for herself and handed the other to Matt.

He took the bottle automatically, but he didn’t open it. Instead, he worried it with his hands, making it twirl between his palms. “Don’t give me that,” he said sharply. “I mean, last night was great,” he amended. “More than that, it was fantastic. But you know that’s not what I’m talking about.”

Holly took a sip of beer and watched him from over the neck of the bottle. “Well than, what
are
you talking about?” she asked.

“You
know
,” he said again. “You’ve been strange lately.”

Holly let out a rude snort. “How would you know when I’m being strange? You’ve only known me two months.”

Whoa. Where had
that
come from, that bitterness? Holly knew these were her defense mechanisms fully snapping into action over being questioned.

Matt stared at her. “Touché,” he admitted. “Still, I think I know you well enough to realize something’s up.”

“You don’t know me at all,” Holly snapped.

He took a step forward. His green eyes were burning. “Holly,” he said pointedly. “What’s going on?”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” Holly cried, letting out a very uncharacteristic curse. She rarely cursed aloud. She all but slammed the bottle down on the table. “What makes you think something’s going on?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Matt retorted. “Perhaps the fact that you don’t want to do anything anymore and that you keep making excuses. It’s like you don’t want to spend time with me.”

Holly froze. Was that how he perceived it? Nothing was farther from the truth. “That’s not it,” she said quietly, her anger all but dissipating. “I promise, Matt. That’s not it at all.”

“Well, then,
what
is it?” Matt asked, exasperated. “Because I’ve been going over this for days, Holly, and I couldn’t come up with any other answer than the fact that you’ve grown tired of me.”

“But I haven’t,” Holly blurted out quickly. “I really haven’t.” She closed the distance between them and reached up to cup his cheek with one hand. She captured his green-eyed gaze and held it. “I haven’t grown tired of you,” she said. “In fact, quite the opposite. If possible, the more time I spend with you, the more I want to be with you.”

Matt seemed to deflate. He was somewhat mollified by her words, but clearly not completely satisfied just yet. He took her hand and gently pulled it away from his face. “Then explain it to me, please,” he said calmly. “I’m really at a loss here. I can see that something is bothering you and that you’re trying to push me away. Why?”

Damn. It didn’t look like he was going to let himself be derailed from the subject this time.

Holly sighed heavily. “I just need some time,” she said.

Matt frowned. “Time for what?”

“To think.”

Matt exhaled slowly, clearly making an effort to keep his temper in check. He was usually a very patient man, but being put in the condition of not understanding the situation clearly did not sit well with him. “It’s been weeks, Holly,” he said, as gently as he could given his frustration. “Surely you must have it figured out at this point?”

“Well, I don’t,” Holly snapped, pulling back sharply. “I don’t, okay? Back off, Matt.”

She needed room to breathe. She grabbed the purse she had abandoned on the table when they had returned from their never ending walk and stalked past him. She was out the room like a shot, slamming the door loudly behind her.

The more Holly thought about her behavior, the more ashamed she felt. She had stormed out.
Actually
stormed out. She had left Matt standing there in the middle of an argument, putting the most abrupt end to the conversation. What was she, sixteen? Shouldn’t her drama queen days be over?

Holly didn’t know whether she needed to think or not to think at all. All she knew was that she needed to be alone without
really
being alone. So she did a thing she had never done; she walked into a bar, sat down at the counter, ordered herself a bourbon, and started drinking. On her own. A little voice in a corner of her mind told her that she was being ridiculous, childish, and more than a little pathetic. Holly silenced it by downing a second glass of bourbon. The expensive liquid felt good as it burned its way down her throat.

She couldn’t believe she had done that to Matt. She also couldn’t believe he had questioned her like that. Who did he think he was, her father?

Holly downed another half glass.

He was just worried about her, she realized. And he was worried about himself, too, about their situation. He thought she had grown tired of him. Holly snorted. How could he even think that? Didn’t he know he was the most wonderful man she had ever met in her twenty-one years of life? But that was the thing about Matt; he had absolutely no idea how amazing he was. He thought he was nothing more than a depressed loser—his own words on a drunken night under the stars of New Mexico—but Holly knew better.

What am I doing?
She thought, appalled at her own behavior.

Holly knew better. She knew exactly what kind of wonderful person Matt was, and she should be helping him see it. She should most definitely
not
be running out on him. She toyed with the glass for a few moments before she downed what was left. She had kept drinking as she thought, and by now she had lost track of her progress.

She waved the bartender over. He was a thirty-something man with sharp features.

“Another, sweetheart?” he drawled in a Texas twang.

Holly grimaced. She hated to hear the Texan lilt; it hit too close to home—literally. “No,” she said. “Just the check, please.” She handed the man her debit card. She had gotten rid of her credit cards at the beginning of her journey, to avoid her father being able to track her down based on her spendings.

She might not have much time left to spend with Matt, but she knew now that she couldn’t just abandon him. She couldn’t just push him away. She had to make him see what an amazing man he was first. She needed him to see it. After all, wasn’t that all that their journeying together was about? To help each other see that they were worth so much more than they thought?

“I’m sorry, darlin’. Your card was declined.”

The bartender’s apologetic voice brought her out of her drunken reverie.

Of course it was,
she thought bitterly.

The man frowned at her. “You were expecting trouble?”

Holly realized then that she had spoken out loud.

“Do you have other means to pay?” The bartender asked, not unkindly. “Cash? Credit card?”

“No…” Holly’s mind worked furiously. How could she be so stupid? What she thinking, buying God only knew how many glasses of one of the most expensive whiskeys in the country?

“We’ll cover that for her.”

Holly turned around. Two men had somehow materialized beside her at the counter. They looked sharp and well-dressed; even in her drunken state, she could recognize the labels of their simple but stylish clothes. Before she had the chance to protest, money had already exchanged hands. She figured the bartender had seen enough unpaid tabs in his day and had jumped at the chance to make sure hers wouldn’t be one of them. Still, she felt uncomfortable having strangers pay for her drinks.

“Thank you,” she said politely.

“Not at all,” the tallest of the men said. He was young, probably in his late twenties. He had blond hair and blue eyes, and he looked like he belonged on the cover of a magazine.

His friend was no less striking, with cropped black hair, chocolate-brown eyes, and a styled stubble on his chiseled features. “You look upset,” he said. “Would you like to sit down with us?”

Despite the haze of the alcohol, an alarm bell went off in Holly’s brain. At first glance, there was nothing wrong with these two—they were just nice guys helping out a girl in distress. And yet, Holly couldn’t shake the feeling that something was dangerously off.

“No, thank you,” she said. “I’m just going to walk back to the motel.”

Oh fuck.
How stupid was she to let it slip that she was staying in a motel, and within walking distance from the bar? Now, if they so wished, they could easily track her down.

“Nonsense,” the blond guy said. “A pretty little thing like you should not walk alone at night.”

Holly’s eyes flashed. Even in her drunkenness, she did not appreciate the tone nor the words. She lifted her chin a fraction, defiantly. “I’m not a ‘thing’,” she all but hissed out.

“Hey, I meant no disrespect. I’m just saying, it’s dangerous out there.” The young man put his hands up in a placating gesture, but there was an amused grin on his face that infuriated her.

“It seems to be dangerous in here, too,” Holly said coolly. “If you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll take my leave now.” She went to step past them, but the dark-haired man moved in front of her, effectively blocking her way.

She stared at him, appalled. “Are you serious?” she said. She glanced over her shoulder towards the counter, but the barman was nowhere to be seen. There were few other patrons in the bar, and everyone seemed intent on minding their own business.

“We’re tourists ourselves,” the blond guy said. “Why don’t you come back to our hotel with us? It’s certainly nicer than a motel.”

“No, thank you,” Holly said. She kept throwing glances around, hoping someone would notice that she was in trouble. If anyone did, however, it didn’t look like they were going to help.

Why isn’t anyone doing anything?
She thought desperately. She took a deep breath and tried to remain calm and focused past the bourbon-induced haze and her mounting fear. What was she thinking, coming to a bar alone? “Look, I don’t want any trouble,” she said. “Just leave me alone.”

“We don’t want any trouble either,” the black-haired man said. “We just want to show you a good time.”

Holly tried once again to step away, but she froze in fear when the blond-haired man grabbed her arm. The men were standing in such a way that they were both blocking the view for any prying eyes and leaving her without ways of escape.

Fuck. I’m so screwed.