Scars (17 page)

She thought about the man her father had chosen for her. Timothy Sutherland. A well-mannered, nice enough young man that would undoubtedly treat her with respect…which probably wasn’t something to be taken for granted when it came to arranged marriages. The words elicited a loud snort from her. “Arranged marriage.” It was ridiculous to even be thinking in those terms in the year 2015. And yet, both her parents still thought along those lines, and they seemed to believe that it should come natural to her to follow the same thought process. But it didn’t, and even less so now that she had fallen in love with someone else.

Holly cringed as she remembered the flash of pain and confusion across Matt’s green eyes before he left—he had not been able to hide
that.
The last thing she ever wanted to do was to hurt the most wonderful person she had ever known, but then again, it couldn’t be helped. Matt deserved to know what was happening, if only in part.

Fear washed over her then. Would he hate her from now on? Or would he come to understand? Would he still love her even through the confusion they were both feeling?

Holly sighed heavily and finally emerged from behind the palms of her hands. She had heard and read about turbulent relationships and tormented loves, but this was just too much.

Holly’s words spun over and over within Matt’s head, bouncing off the walls of his skull in a mad rush. He had noticed something was wrong, and he had been harboring his own doubts, but nothing could have prepared him for this. Now that he knew for a fact that Holly was thinking of leaving him behind, all of his doubts dissipated. He knew now that he didn’t want to lose her. And he knew now that there was no way around it.

The more he listened to Holly talk, the more he realized just how different they were. On the open road, it was easy to forget who you were, and it was even easier to forget who the person traveling with you really was. The road made everyone equal, but in the end that was just a temporary illusion, a false perception with an expiration date attached to it. Holly came from an entirely different world. He had been unbelievably stupid to forget about it, and even more stupid to ever think that fact could be overlooked. It could not. It would not.

Holly was so incredibly out of her league that it wasn’t even funny. She was literally out of reach. Her world was miles above his. They had nothing in common, except for the fear and confusion that came from having lost themselves. Matt realized now that they couldn’t help each other. He had thought so, maybe convinced himself of it, but the harsh, almost unbearable reality was that they couldn’t. Fate had thrown them together for a very brief period of time, and they had long overstayed their welcome in each other’s lives. It was time to leave. It was time to move on. It was time to say goodbye.

They had no future together; Matt knew that now. He had always known, on some level, but he had kept telling himself that maybe, just maybe, they could find some common ground. Maybe, just maybe, there was a way for them to be together. He knew now he had only been deluding himself.

He spent a couple of hours sitting on a bench by the ocean, looking out the endless expanse of water. The time for overthinking was over. Now it was time to act, even if it broke him inside. Matt ran both hands across his face and sighed heavily. He had not felt this tired in ages, not since his last tour in Afghanistan. Then again, he supposed love was a little like warfare. Someone had said that once, and he had never quite grasped the full meaning of it until now. You fight to have love, and then you fight to find the strength to let it go. Matt found it, somehow, and he stood up and turned his back on the ocean, and he walked back to the motel before he lost his nerve again.

He found Holly right where he left her, sitting at the table in the small kitchen area in the motel room. She jumped up as soon as he entered. Matt held up a hand, stopping her movements.

“Please, sit down,” he said. “We need to talk.”

Holly obliged, although it looked more like she fell into the chair rather than ease herself back down onto it. She had gone a shade paler. Obviously, she could tell what was coming. “That doesn’t sound good,” she said, her voice already a little hoarser.

Matt felt a knife twist in his gut, but he forced himself to go through with this. He remained standing, walking up to the kitchen counter and leaning back against it. Holly followed him with her gaze. She looked positively terrified.

“I thought about all that you said,” he began, desperately searching for the right words in his mind. Were there even right words for this kind of situation? “And I understand your confusion and the difficulty of your choices. I want you to know, I’ve been very confused too, lately. I’ve been pondering choices, too.”

Holly swallowed visibly. She pulled herself together, trying to be brave. Matt loved her all the more for that. “What kind of choices?” She asked, and this time her voice was clear and it did not tremble.

“I thought about leaving, too,” he said. There was no way to cushion the blow. “I was very confused and unclear at first, but what you said today made me realize that I was right.”

“Right about what?” Holly was staring intently at him, and the weight of her gray-eyed gaze almost brought him to his knees.

Almost
. Matt stood his ground, grateful for the solid support of the wooden counter at his back. “Holly, I love you,” he said sincerely, because he did. He loved her so much he almost didn’t know how to handle the overwhelming intensity of his own feelings. “But I don’t think we’re doing each other any favors by staying together.”

Holly looked at him with a mixture of horror, confusion, and anger on her face. God, but she was beautiful! She was so glorious when her emotions danced on her features like that.

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

Matt sighed. Did she really not see what he saw? Couldn’t she tell that they were an obstacle to each other’s search? “We are two very different people. It didn’t feel like that for a long time, because the open road will do that. It cancels pasts and backgrounds. But eventually, they always catch up. We come from two entirely different worlds. I can’t help you, and you can’t help me.”

“You
have
helped me,” Holly said.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Matt said, flashing her a smile. “But I haven’t been helping you for a while now. I’m only causing more confusion in your head, and frankly, you’re doing the same to me. Being around you…I lose track of everything and everyone else, and I just can’t let that happen anymore.”

Holly stared at him. She was silent for so long that Matt almost begged her to say something,
anything
, but eventually she spoke. “Is that really how you feel?”

All right, here comes the hard part. Don’t falter now.
Matt took a deep breath. “Yes,” he said. “It’s really how I feel. And you obviously have some doubts about us.”

Holly swallowed. “I guess I do,” she said quietly. “But not enough that I want us to part ways just yet.”

“And that’s the problem,” Matt said. “‘Just yet’. Don’t you see? It has to happen sooner or later. Isn’t it better for it to happen now, before we fall in even deeper? Before it’s even harder than this?” God knew it was hard enough as it was. Matt felt like he was being torn apart.

Holly watched him. “I don’t know,” she finally said. “Fuck, I don’t know anything anymore.”

Matt’s heart broke all over. He made a monumental effort not to walk up to her and envelop her in his arms. “
I
do,” he said, as gently as he possibly could. “It’s better this way, Holly. Trust me. We can’t go on like this.”

Holly sat still for a few moments. Eventually, she nodded. “I guess you’re right.”

Matt stared at her. He had not expected that. He had not expected her to give in just yet.
And there go those damned two words again. ‘Just yet.’ Fuck it. Fuck it all.
He should feel relieved, but he didn’t. He felt nothing but emptiness.

He looked out the window and noticed that the morning light was turning into afternoon. “I guess I should go now,” he mused aloud.

“Maybe,” Holly conceded after a moment. “Or maybe you could stay and leave at dawn. Just one more night.”

She wasn’t talking about sex; he could tell. She was talking about a few more hours together, the last they would ever spend in each other’s company. The sensible voice in his head told him that he should leave right now, before he lost his resolve again. It told him there was no sense in prolonging this. It told him he should just walk away now and never look back.

But Matt had never been good at listening to that sensible voice in his mind. Before he knew it, he was nodding. “What do you want to do? For the rest of the day, I mean,” he added quickly.

Holly shrugged. “I don’t know,” she admitted.

In the end, what they did was make love. All afternoon. They spent the hours committing each other’s body to memory. By the time night rolled along, they were both spent—physically and emotionally. They ordered pizza, they ate it in bed, and once they were done eating, Holly snuggled into his arms and Matt held her tight.

Neither of them slept that night, and neither of them said another word until the morning. Words weren’t necessary. Words weren’t welcome. Matt still couldn’t believe he was really leaving. He still couldn’t believe this had come to an end, this wonderful, crazy journey they had shared. Truth be told, no matter what he had said, he had no idea where to go from here. He knew it was necessary for them to cut the cord, but that did not mean he felt at all confident about how he would deal with the path ahead.

He thought about Becky. She needed him. And Holly, he realized now, didn’t. At least, she didn’t need him anymore. He had meant it when he said they could no longer help each other. He loved her deeply, but she was a constant source of confusion in his life, and he knew now that he couldn’t afford any more chaos in his existence. He needed to let her go, for both their sakes. He just really,
really
hated being the one to take that step. Why must he be the strong one?

Then again, he thought as he watched dawn come in and strongly wished night would win over day for once, perhaps he wasn’t being strong at all. Perhaps he was just being cowardly.

No alarm clock went off that morning. They didn’t need it. When the sun began to shine, they disentangled from each other’s embrace without a word. They sat up and stared at each other. Again, no one spoke. Matt got out of bed and got dressed in the early morning light. Holly watched him quietly, and her silence broke his heart just as much as he knew his silence must be breaking hers.

When he was ready, he stood awkwardly in the middle of the room.

“I don’t know how to leave,” he said, speaking the first words in hours. He spoke quietly, but his voice still sounded like cannon fire in a room that had been immersed in silence for so long.

Holly stared at him. She hesitated. Then she spoke, “Then don’t.”

Matt did his best not to cry. “I can’t,” he said quietly. “You know I can’t.”

Holly gave him a sad smile. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

“I can’t say goodbye twice, Holly.”

“Then say it only once. In a while from now.”

He was already shaking his head before she had finished the sentence. “I can’t,” he said again. “I’m sorry.” He hesitated. “I love you.”

Holly’s eyes filled with tears, but to his utter relief she didn’t let them fall. “I love you, too.” He made to step forward, and she stopped him with her voice. “Don’t,” she said, sharply but not unkindly. “Please. If you touch me, I won’t be able to let you go.”

Matt nodded. She had a point. He wasn’t sure he would be able to let her go either if he were to take her in her arms again. He hauled his battered military rucksack over his shoulder. “Goodbye, Holly,” he said.

“Goodbye,” she replied.

Matt turned his back on her. He walked out of the room and closed the door quietly behind him. It took him a few moments to find the strength to actually walk away from that door and into the street. This time, the clear, crisp San Diego air did nothing to soothe him.

Matt walked on, but it didn’t feel like he was going anywhere. His legs were moving on their own accord, responding to some automatic impulse from his brain. His body followed his head. His heart…well, his heart was giving him completely different impulses, the kind that he could not respond to.

He wanted nothing but to turn on his heels and retrace his steps, but he knew he was doing the right thing. He reached the nearest bus station and bought a ticket for the next bus out. He couldn’t wait. If he waited, the time would eat away at his resolve. If he waited, he would lose his nerves. If he waited, he would never leave Holly behind.

Matt walked onto the bus and looked around. There were no pretty women this time, no one to draw sketches of him as he slept. He pushed his rucksack in the luggage compartment and sat down next to a middle-aged man that had absolutely nothing to say to him.