Scarred (15 page)

“The letters?” I frowned and turned to look at her quickly. “What letters?”

“Oh shit,” she groaned. “I’ve done it again, haven’t I?” She turned away from me and moaned. “I think I’ve lost my mind. After last night and all.” She giggled and I sighed. The less she said about the previous night, the better it was for me.

“What letters
, Anna?” I pulled over to the side of the road and turned off the engine.

“
Lexi wrote you those letters when you were in Iraq, or Afghanistan, or wherever.”

“
Lexi wrote the letters?” I frowned, confused. “Are you sure?”

“Yes. I’m sure,” s
he said, angrily. “She’s had a crush on you since high school. She felt like you might need some support after Eddie killed himself. And she was able to be herself in her letters.”

“Oh my gosh.” My heart started pounding.

“I feel bad, you know.” Anna continued. “She’s been enamored with you for so long, but you chose me.”

I stared at her in silence
, unsure of what to say. How could I have been so stupid?

“I’ve been jealous of her for so long
, you know. She and Luke have been so close and I always feel like the third wheel, but I’ve won the real prize. I lost my virginity to you and now here we are, together.” She giggled and stared at me under her lashes.

“What did you just say?”

“Which part?”

“Nothing.” I didn’t want to hear any of those words again. She had been a virgin? How many virgin
s at twenty-two were there in Jonesville? And she thought we were together? I didn’t know what to say. This could not be happening to me. Anna was a sweet girl and a pretty girl, but she wasn’t the girl I wanted to be with.

“Do you want to go for breakfast before you take me home?”

“Uhm, I can’t. Sorry.” There was no way I wanted anyone to see me in public with Anna. What if they guessed what had happened and it got back to Lexi? OMG, what if Anna told Lexi? I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. Lexi was the one who had sent me the letters. It made so much sense to me now. No wonder she felt my pain about my dad, it was the same pain she felt.

“Oh.” She tapped her fingers across the window. “Maybe you’d like to come to dinner with me and m
y dad tonight? You could meet my pets.”

“That sounds nice
, but I don’t think so.” I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry Anna, I…”

“Don’t say it.” She gave me a pained smile. “I should have known you weren’t ready to date yet.”

“Well, that’s not exactly what…”

“Bryce. It’s okay. I just want to forget last night ever happened.”

“I am so sad, Anna. I took my pills and mixed them with alcohol. I was out of it.”

“Well then.” I could see tears brimming in her eyes.

“I didn’t mean it like that. You are a beautiful woman, Anna, any guy would be happy to have you.”

“Not the ones I want.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Just take me home
, please.” She huddled into the door. “I just want to go home.”

“Okay.” I started the engine again. I wanted to ask her to not tell anyone about what had happened
, but I wasn’t sure how I could do that without coming off as even more of a prick.

“You don’t have to worry ab
out me telling anyone either,” she whispered. “I’d rather Luke didn’t know.”

“I won’t say a word.” I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Thanks.” She turned away from me and we rode in silence until we pulled up to her house. “Can I ask you something, Bryce?”

“Sure.”

“Do you miss Eddie?” She cocked her head to the side and looked at me with a weird expression.

“Yes,
” I said, softly. “Yes, I miss him a lot.”

“Even after what he tried to do with Anna?”

“Yes.” I looked away quickly. “Why are you asking?”

“I miss him.” She touched
my arm and I looked up to see tears running through her eyes. “I really miss him.”

“I...” I paused
, unsure of what to say next.

“I tutored him in
maths.” She smiled, weakly. “He didn’t want anyone to know, so we never told anyone.”

“I didn’t know.”

“I fell in love with him.” She looked dejected. “I thought he was a better person, but then he tried to rape Lexi and I didn’t know what to say or do. He tried calling me a few times, but I ignored him.”

“I’m sure he understood why.”

“And then he killed himself.” She looked at me with pleading eyes. “Sometimes I think that, if I had just answered the phone and given him a shoulder to lean on, that maybe he’d still be here.”

“It wasn’t your fault
, Anna.” I grabbed her hands. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“I just neve
r understood why he did that,” she cried out. “I loved him. I didn’t understand why he wanted her and not me.”

I looked at her
, feeling her pain and confusion. It was a strange position that we were both in. “And then I feel like some evil human being. How can I be sad that the guy who tried to rape my best friend didn’t like me enough? I’m a mess.”

“Anna. You’re not a mess.”

“Sometimes I just want to die,” she whispered. “I’m always second best.”

“You’re not second best.”

She laughed, bitterly. “That’s rich coming from you, Bryce.”

“I don’t want to hurt you
, Anna.” I closed my eyes. “I’m not the guy you think I am. You’re better off being with someone who loves you.”

“But no one loves me.”

“Your dad loves you and Lexi loves you.” I rubbed my temples. “That’s two more people that love you and not me.”

“Oh
, everyone loves you, Bryce Evans.” She laughed and wiped away her tears. “You’re the golden child of Jonesville.”

“But I shouldn’t be,
” I said, under my breath.

“I should go,
” Anna sighed. “My dad will be waiting for me.”

“Okay.” I watched her get out of the car and walk to her front door with a heavy heart.
I was ashamed of myself for all the pain I had caused her. It wasn’t meant to be like this. I was meant to be different now. My return to Jonesville was meant to be the start of a new journey in my life but I was already screwing up. Only, this time, I had really, really screwed up. I needed to go and see Lexi. And I needed to tell her everything. I needed to tell her how much she meant to me. I needed to tell her I knew about the letters. And I needed to tell her about that night with Eddie. Even if it meant she never wanted to talk to me again.

“You need
to tell her about Anna as well,” I mumbled to myself, under my breath and I felt my skin going clammy. But I knew I couldn’t tell her about Anna. That was something I didn’t think she would ever be able to forgive. And I needed her forgiveness. I needed her to accept me into her life. I needed her to heal me.

***

I drove to
Lexi’s house. I knew where she lived because Eddie and I had followed her mom home one night, when we’d been spying on my dad. I had known that my dad was cheating, but I hadn’t known who with, and so Eddie and I had followed my dad for two weeks. I’d wondered what this lady had that my mother hadn’t and so we had followed her home. I’d been surprised when I’d seen her: she was pretty, but not prettier than my mother.

Eddie and I had sat
outside of her house at least five times waiting to see if anything interesting would happen. We’d seen Lexi once. She had been laughing with her mom about something and it had infuriated me. It was the week after my mom had been hospitalized for alcohol poisoning. She had told everyone it was the flu, but I knew the truth. I had heard the doctor talking to her, telling her to lay off the booze. He had suggested she join AA but she had said no, there was no way the Mayor’s wife could show up to AA.

I’m not really sure how we had come up with the plan. Eddie and I had just been sitting there and I had felt such hatred at that time. I had turned to him and made a simple comment about something happening to
Lexi to make her mother back off of my father and to just leave him alone. I hadn’t told him to rape her. I would never have suggested such a thing. I never would have thought he could have done such a thing either. He was a good guy. A loyal friend. My best friend.

I sighed as I pulled up outside of her house. So many memories came to mind and
I nearly drove away. The closer I was to telling her everything, the less I wanted to. I felt like she was my path to redemption, but I didn’t know if I deserved it. And, if she turned away from me, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I debated backing out and leaving, but I knew that the time had come. We couldn’t move forward in our relationship without her knowing the truth, and without me knowing if she wanted to be with Luke or not. I got out of my car and stretched, feeling more scared that I ever had when I was in the Marines.

I rang the doorbell with my heart in my throat. “Did you bring me pancakes?”
Lexi opened the door with a huge smile. “Oh, Bryce.”

“Expecting someone else?”

“No.” She shook her head and waved me inside. “I’m surprised to see you.”

“I wanted to apologize for how everything went down last night.”

“It wasn’t your fault.” She smiled at me, sweetly, her brown eyes seeming to gaze into my soul.

“I should have known
Suzannah was going to try to make trouble.” I rolled my eyes. “Heaven knows she always tried to when we were younger.”

“She is very beautiful.”
Lexi was wistful and I grabbed her hand.

“Not as beautiful as you,
” I said, sincerely, and her breath caught. “Can we go to your room to talk?”

“Talk?” She smiled
, mischievously. “Let’s go to my room.”

“Is your mom here?” I looked around and she laughed.

“No, she’s at work.” And she grabbed my hand and ran up the stairs. “Now, just how sorry are you, Bryce Evans?” She pushed me up against the door and kissed me, her wet hair brushing across my face. “Your lips are so soft for a guy’s,” she whispered as she kissed me.

“And yours taste like cotton candy.” I crushed her against me and kissed her hard
, running my hands up and down her back and savoring her smell. “And you smell like early morning dew, so fresh and clean.”

“Well, I should,” s
he smiled. “I just got out of the shower.”

“You did?” I raised an eyebrow.

“I did.” She grinned and pulled her top off and I stood there, staring at her body in amazement. “See. I’m still damp.” She grabbed my hand and pressed it against her bra. The fabric was wet. I slipped a finger in and touched her breast lightly and felt a drop of water. I pulled my finger out quickly and grinned at her.

“That you are.”

“You can touch me, you know.” She grabbed my hand again. “I don’t mind.”

“I would love to touch you
, Lexi.” My voice was raspy. “I want to hold you close and feel every part of you.”

“So come.” She led me to her bed and pulled me down with her.

“We should talk first.”

“I don’t need to talk.” She pulled me towards her. “I just need us to be.”

“I know you sent the letters.” I held her gently and looked at the shock in her eyes. “Don’t ask how I know. I just know.”

“I ...
I, don’t know what to say.” Her eyes were bright with unshed tears. “I had hoped you knew but, deep inside, I thought it was impossible.”

“Wait, I don’t think you understand. I know
now
. I didn’t always know.”

“But you figured it out.” She kissed me and pulled off my shirt. “You figured it out
, Bryce.”

“
Lexi, I think I love you.” My breath caught as I watched her take off her bra. “What are you doing?”

“I want to be with you
, Bryce.” She looked into my eyes, deeply. “I want you to be my first.”

“I don’t know
, Lexi.” I took a deep breath as she guided my fingers to her nipple. “I have something else to tell you.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Oh, but it does.” I sighed as I felt her tugging at my jeans and I leaned down to nuzzle her. She gasped with pleasure and, for a moment, all I thought about was pleasuring her and making her mine. All I wanted was for us to make a union that could never be broken. “Wait, Lexi. We have to talk before we go forward.” I took a deep breath. “There is something you have to know.”

“What is it?” She pulled her
tracksuit pants down so that she was lying there in her underwear and I felt it hard to concentrate. She was so beautiful and so trusting. “Take your jeans off.”

“Wait
, what?” I pulled them off and she grinned at me.

“You are as hot as I thought you were.”

“Yeah, right.” I laughed and stopped her hand as she tugged on my boxer shorts. “Wait, Lexi.”