Saying Goodbye, Part Two (Passports and Promises Book 1) (18 page)

“It does kind of have a ring to it.”

His blue eyes grew serious again. “Are you sure? I’d give it up for you. I would.”

“I wouldn’t ask you to, and it’s not like we won’t see each other. You have the offseason, right? And I’ll have spring break, summer vacation…”

He pulled me on top of him, staring up at my face. “Will you wait for me?”

I answered him with a kiss, pouring all my hopes and dreams and emotions into it. When I looked down at him, his eyes were slightly unfocused and he wore an adorably bemused expression on his face.

“I take it that is a yes?”

I nodded, kissing him again. “That is definitely a yes.”

CHAPTER NINETEEN

W
e spent the next two days making love, soaking in the hot springs, and talking until late at night under a cloud of pink cherry blossoms.

I told him all about Dylan, and the letter he wrote to me before he died, while we were at the onsen. He shared stories about his dad, about being the oldest son, about not wanting to disappoint anyone. Ever. I definitely got that.

“But I don’t understand why you said it was a waste for me to learn Gaelic,” I said once, as we soaked alone in one of the hot springs.

I had my bathing suit on. He was naked as a jaybird and didn’t bother using the teeny washcloth they’d provided for him to cover himself. It wouldn’t have done the job anyway. Thomas was a big man. Everywhere.

He pulled me closer so my thigh rested against his. He couldn’t stand any distance between us, and he couldn’t seem to stop touching me. I enjoyed every minute of it, snuggling up to him like a cat. I almost purred.

“I meant you could have given your speech in any language and I would have forgiven you. I’m fairly good at holding a grudge, but I’m not bloody stupid.”

“The jury is still out on that,” I said, giving him a playful shove.

“At least I didn’t think the world’s primary Zen scholar was a janitor.”

“You got me there.”

We had looked up Mr. Ando online. It turned out he really was a big deal. As soon as we got back to Kyoto, we went to visit him. As we approached the gate of Ryoanji, Thomas looked nervous.

“Why does he want to meet me?”

“Because he’s my friend, and he’s really into rugby. He asked me what position you played. I had no idea.”

Thomas rolled his eyes. “You learned Gaelic, but you can’t understand rugby. Unbelievable. I play center. And I’m team captain.”

I gave him a thumbs up. “Good to know.”

I could tell part of Thomas’ anxiety at meeting Mr. Ando had to do with the fact he had cancer. After living through it with his dad, the idea of being around it again made him skittish. I was relieved when I saw Mr. Ando in the garden, sitting in a wheelchair. He had his face tilted up to the sun and he was smiling. As soon as I pointed him out, I felt Thomas relax. Mr. Ando, although obviously very sick, did not seem to be in pain.

His face lit up when he saw me. “Sami-chan. I see you brought your ikigai
.”

Thomas looked at me in confusion. “My reason for waking up in the morning. My passion. The thing I care about most in the world,” I said softly. “Mr. Ando understood long before I did that you are my ikigai.”

Thomas gave me a crooked smile, his heart in his eyes. “I like this gentleman already.”

Thomas bowed deeply to Mr. Ando. “
Arigatou gozaimasu, sensei.”
Thank you, teacher. “I owe you one.”

“Do itashimashite.”
You are welcome.

I sat down on a bench next to his wheelchair and Thomas joined me. “You look good today, Ando-san,” I said.

He tilted his face back up to the sun. “How could I not be well on such a beautiful spring day?” Then he turned to look at me. “How were the cherry blossoms?”

“More beautiful than I could have imagined.”

“
Iyi desu.
”
That’s good
.
“I’m glad you got to see it.”

“Me, too.”

He reached out to stroke a leaf on a nearby tree. “I’m saying goodbye to my garden today. I’ll leave soon. I’m fortunate to have this chance. Not everyone has the opportunity to say goodbye to the things and people they love before they go, but I’ve always been a lucky man. Did you know I was the fifth son born in my family? My name, Gourou, means ‘fifth son,’ but my mother liked to call me Kichirou.”

“What does that mean?”

“Lucky son. I was Lucky Number Five,” he said with a grin.

I felt a chill go over me in spite of the warm weather. Thomas looked at me in shock. Mr. Ando didn’t notice. His nurse came out to check on us, warning him gently not to get overtired. He waved her away, chatting with Thomas about rugby. Asking him about the Scottish National Team. Giggling at Thomas’ attempts to speak Japanese, but impressed with his knowledge of kanji.

When the nurse came out to issue a second warning, Mr. Ando turned to me. “Sami-chan, I have to go soon. They insist I rest, although I don’t really see the point. I’ll do nothing but rest very soon,” he said with a laugh.

“This is the last time I’ll see you, isn’t it?” I fell to my knees in front of him, my heart heavy with grief. He placed his hand on my head.

“Yes, it is, child.”

I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but I couldn’t help it. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

Thomas got up to look at a tree, trying to give us a bit of privacy. This was hard for him, too.

Mr. Ando made a tsking sound at my tears. “Please remember, there is no sadness in my passing, only joy.”

“I’m not feeling very joyful about it. You are my dear friend. You were here for me during the worst time of my life, and you made it better. You changed everything for me. Completely. I don’t want to lose you.”

“You are not losing me. I am part of your journey, just as you are part of mine. You were my last student, a precious and unexpected gift. You took the time to indulge an old man. To listen to his stories and share in the last golden hours of his life. I had a good life. A long life. A life filled with contentment. I wish the same for you.” He looked over at Thomas, who stared at the branch of a bare tree, struggling to keep his emotions in check as well. “And I think you have found it, haven’t you?”

As I knelt beside Mr. Ando’s wheelchair, the sweet smell of fresh spring flowers lingering on the breeze, I realized every person I’d met, every boy I’d dated, had been part of my journey. They hadn’t been mistakes. They’d had a role in bringing me to this point, to this garden in Japan, to Thomas’ side. Even Dylan.

We said goodbye, and Mr. Ando waved to us as the nurse wheeled him away. Thomas put his arm around me, let me have one last long cry as he held me close, then took me out of the garden and led me home.

CHAPTER TWENTY

T
he test for the Institute for Applied Linguistics was administered exactly one week before I was scheduled to depart from Japan. I knew as soon as I finished it I had done well. Dr. Brown confirmed it for me. He proctored the exam and smiled at me over his glasses after he looked over the test.

“Nice job, Sam. Congratulations. You should hear back from the institute in a few weeks, but I don’t think you have anything to worry about. All you needed to do was to pass the written part, and I can already tell you’ve done that with flying colors.”

“I did?”

He nodded. “I’ve spoken with Dr. Tanaka several times about the wonderful work you’ve done here, and I’d like to offer you a position next year as one of my teaching assistants. Would you be interested?”

Controlling the urge not to squeal and jump up and down took a great deal of effort, but somehow I managed. “Of course. Thank you, Dr. Brown. I would be honored.”

He picked up his pen and capped it. A pile of research projects sat in front of him. He’d been grading them as I took the test. He handed me the one on the top of the pile. It was the project Thomas and I had worked on about mizu shobai
.

“You two had the highest score in the class. Well done. I think there is a great deal of merit in this paper. If you and Mr. MacGregor don’t mind, I’d like to share it with my colleagues. There is a good chance I might be able to get it published.”

“Wow. Really?” It seemed crazy our little project about bars and sex had academic merit.

“Yes. The mizu shobai is still a bit of a mystery to outsiders, but the two of you have somehow managed to infiltrate it. Your interviews are amazing, and I’m impressed with the amount of time and research you put into this project.”

I almost giggled, trying to imagine Thomas’ reaction. He would have thought the whole thing hilarious, since our research mostly consisted of hanging out in bars and talking with people about their sexual kinks. But, more than that, it was about the darker side of human nature, and about the secrets we all keep.

“I found it fascinating,” I said. “And I learned a lot about myself and people in general in the process.”

He nodded. “That is the whole purpose of study abroad. Not only to learn about other cultures, but to understand your own better as well. You were a different person the first time I met you, Sam. You’ve been through a lot, I know, but you’ve come out on the other side stronger than you were when you went in. I expect great things from you, and Mr. MacGregor as well. You are quite the team.”

When I stepped out the door and into the gentle spring sunshine, Thomas waited for me. He paced back and forth, checking his watch and running a hand through his hair. It looked like he’d been doing quite a bit of that, since his hair now stood on end in a wild tangle of messy curls on his head. He froze when he saw me, and then exhaled in relief when I grinned at him and gave him a thumbs up. He let out a
whoop
, and lifted me into his arms, swinging me around until I got dizzy and begged him to stop.

“You passed.”

“Dr. Brown seems to think so. And he offered me a job next year as a TA. And we got the highest score in the class on our research project.”

I handed it to him, and he scanned through Dr. Brown’s comments. “Of course, we did. We’re bloody brilliant.”

I looped my arm through his as we walked back to my dorm. “We are.”

He kissed the top of my head. “We make a good team.”

“Dr. Brown said that, too.” I tried to keep the smile on my lips, but knowing these were the last few days we had together tainted every moment with sadness.

Thomas noticed immediately. Once again, his radar at reading my emotions was spot on. He led me over to a bench under a blooming cherry tree and pulled me close.

“Don’t be sad, Sam.”

“I’m not,” I said, trying to inject as much false cheerfulness in my voice as possible. “I’ll get to see you over Christmas break when you come to visit, and I’ll go to Scotland during spring break. We’ll have lots of time together.”

“Aye, but it’s not enough. I’m sorry, but that just won’t work for me.”

My heart stopped for just a second in my chest. I knew where this would lead. Thomas wanted to end things with me. Right here. Right now. The very idea made everything inside me clench and cry out in pain, but even if he did, even if the worst happened, I knew I could get through it. I’d gotten through the worst once already, the day Dylan died.

Dr. Brown was right. I’d changed. I was stronger now. I hadn’t just faced the darkness growing inside of me; I’d somehow managed to conquer it.

“Oh. Well, I understand. I knew it would be hard, and you have a lot on your plate right now…”

He cupped my face in his enormous beefy hands. “Shush, you wee dim bampot. I’m not breaking up with you.”

I blinked. “You aren’t?”

“Is that what you were thinking? Of course not. I had a long talk with my mum, and it helped me reach some important decisions. About my life. About what I want to do.”

I stared at him, trying to read something in his clear blue eyes. “What did you decide?”

“I’ll play rugby next year, but not for the Scottish National Team.”

“Why not?”

“I’m going to the Institute for Applied Linguistics. I spoke with the head coach of the rugby team at your university as soon as we got back from the onsen. They’ve been trying to recruit me as team captain for ages. I signed a contract with him right after I spoke with my mum. I didn’t make it easy on him, though. I played hard to get at first, but, eventually, let him have his way. Just like I did with you.”

I raised an eyebrow at that. “You played hard to get? With me?”

He nodded. “Aye. And it wasn’t easy to do with you chasing after me all the time. It made me feel a bit sorry for you. You were relentless.”

“I was,” I said with a laugh, but then I frowned. “But I don’t want you to give this up for me, Thomas. You could miss out on something really great.”

He kissed the top of my head. “I
have
something really great. You. It’s what
I
want. It’s what I’ve always wanted. And it doesn’t matter to me if I play for the Scottish team or not. I can always do it later, after I finish my studies.”

“Can you? Won’t you be too old?”

He raised one haughty eyebrow at me. “A big, braw man like me? Too old? You’re joking, aren’t you?”

“Malcolm said…”

He put a finger to my lips. “I just like to play rugby. It’s never been one of my life’s ambitions to do it professionally. It sort of fell into my lap, but that was Malcolm’s dream, not mine. I’ll be just as happy to play at your university. I’d be happy to play anywhere, as long as you’re with me. You captured me hook, line, and sinker, like a great bloody salmon. Are you pleased now, my annoying little thistle?”

I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him close. A gust of wind made a cloud of cherry blossom petals blow around us, reminding me of the rose petals Dylan had once scattered around his room for me a long time ago. It felt like a message from him, telling me it was time to move on. I’d always grieve his loss, but I deserved to be happy and whole and alive.

I pulled back and kissed Thomas softly on the lips, so grateful for this strong, beautiful man. He kissed me back. Gently. Sweetly. Like he always did and like he always would.

“Yes, ox, I am.”