Saying Goodbye, Part Two (Passports and Promises Book 1) (10 page)

Now, I understood. The difference between having sex with a person you liked versus having sex with a person you loved was like the difference between a decadent slice of homemade chocolate cake and a prepackaged, cream-filled cake roll. A cake roll had its merits, but it really was just an imitation, a hint, of what the real thing was like. I had the real thing now. I had Thomas.

As he kissed me, I climbed onto his lap, straddling him. I stroked his face, kissing him back, tasting him. Loving him. He groaned, his hands cupping my bottom. We’d kissed enough now that I knew what he liked, what caused him to make a little involuntary noise in his throat. What made him hard with desire.

I rubbed against him, feeling that hardness through his jeans and the thin fabric of my panties. His breathing became more erratic. “Oh, God, Sam. Are you sure?”

I looked down at him. I’d never been so sure about anything. I wanted him so badly I felt like I might self-combust if I didn’t have him inside me soon. But there was something very important I needed to say first.

“I love you, Thomas. I really, truly love you.”

He stared into my eyes, his face only inches from mine. “I love you, too, Sam. Since the first moment I saw you, I’ve been madly, crazily, head over heels in love with you. You know that, right? You ken how much you mean to me?”

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. When his lips touched mine again, it was different. Sacred. Like we’d made some kind of vow.

I was his, and he was mine, and nothing would change that. Ever.

A chill went over my skin as I thought about all the things beyond our control. Time. Distance. The past. Dylan. I came to the swift and inevitable conclusion nothing mattered but this moment with Thomas, and I chose to stop thinking, chose to be content, and allow myself to embrace it.

CHAPTER TEN

T
homas watched the flow of emotions cross my face, and must have understood I’d reached some kind conclusion. I was sure of this and of him. He lifted me off his lap and onto my feet.

“Let’s get you out of that lovely little dress, shall we?”

“Yes, please. And we need to get you out of all those clothes, Thomas. You really are quite overdressed.”

He chuckled, turned me around, and unzipped my dress, letting it fall to the floor. I scooped it up, not wanting Hana’s pretty dress to stay too long on the floor of a love hotel. It looked very clean, and felt safe and private, but this was definitely one place I did not want to shine a blue light.

I stood in front of Thomas in my undies and bra, and his gaze raked my body. I swear my body temperature went up a few degrees just from him looking at me.

“Oh, Sam. You are a beauty.”

“So are you.”

I sauntered closer, glad I’d decided to wear red lace panties and a matching push up bra today. Most of my underwear fell into the white and whiter category. This set was the only sexy one I’d even brought to Japan. I giggled as I thought about it.

“What are you smiling about?”

“I’m just glad I don’t have on a sports bra and boy shorts. That’s usually what I wear.”

“You’d look smashing in a potato sack, but I am enjoying this.”

He reached out a hand and cupped my breast, letting his thumb slide across the nipple. I took a shaky breath.

“Can I take off your shirt now?”

He laughed. “Lass. You do not have to ask.”

I stared into his eyes as I unbuttoned his shirt, my fingers brushing against his bare chest. After each button, I leaned forward and kissed the skin I’d just exposed, occasionally giving a little flick of my tongue. It took me a while to get his shirt off, but it was worth the effort to see him standing in front of me, bare chested and aroused.

I splayed my hands across his stomach, watching the muscles flex at my slightest touch. “I’ve wanted to do this for so long. You were terrible about teasing me, you know. Always strutting around after you played rugby, all shirtless and hot.”

He tossed back his head, laughing. “I was indeed very hot. A sweaty, disgusting mess. My shirt is usually covered in blood, mud, and other people’s nastiness by the time I’m done playing. I’m not about to come up and give you a hug with that thing on.”

I wrinkled my nose. “I like you better like this.”

I put my hands on his waist and gave him sweet butterfly kisses across his chest. Stopping to tease his nipples with my tongue. Enjoying the way his skin broke out in goose bumps at the smallest caress.

The hair on his chest tapered to a narrow line that disappeared into the top of his jeans. I used a single finger to trace my way down that tempting trail, stopping when I hit his belt.

“I think it’s time to remove your pants.”

“I think it’s time to remove yours, too.” He reached for my undies, but I shook my head, my hair brushing against my naked back.

“You first.”

I unbuckled his belt and unbuttoned his pants, unzipping them slowly and enjoying the feel of his hardness against my hand. I pushed them down, over his hips, and let them drop to the floor. He was huge. Enormous. Spectacular. Colossal. When I saw he had on tight red boxer briefs, I started to giggle.

He tossed his jeans on a chair and then lifted his hands, turning back and forth to model his boxers for me. “I wore them for you. In honor of St. Valentine’s.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, hands on my hips. “You had this all planned out?”

He thought about it. “Yes, and no. I’d hoped to get you in the sack someday, but I had no idea when it might actually happen. I thought it best to be prepared.
Semper paratus.
Like a boy scout.”

I stretched up and wrapped my arms around his neck, savoring the sensation of his body next to mine. We fit. In every way.

“The fact you can toss around Latin like that makes me very turned on.”

“I know how to seduce a linguist.”

He kissed me until the room spun. Until I felt weak in my knees and could barely catch my breath. Then he looked down at me, enjoying my bemused expression. He bit his lip and gave me a sexy grin.

“I think it’s time to remove the rest of your clothing.”

I nodded, unable to form full sentences at this point, and watched as his big hands covered my breasts. I arched against him, wanting more. Thomas was more than willing to provide. He pushed down my bra and kissed them, stroking the sides and taking my nipples into my mouth. I felt it right between my thighs, as a rush of moisture made my panties wet.

Thomas unhooked my bra and tossed it onto the chair with our other clothing. He kneaded my breasts, staring at them with undisguised admiration.

“The most beautiful boobies I’ve ever seen. I swear it.”

He seemed so completely and sincerely enthralled, I had to laugh. “Have you seen a lot of boobies?”

“Enough to know these are spectacular.”

He led me to the bed and pulled off the comforter, leaving nothing but the bare sheet. “Is it satin?”

He reached out and touched it. “Aye. It is.”

I lay down on the bed, stretching and enjoying the feel of the soft satin next to my heated skin. Thomas watched me, his eyes burning with desire. He climbed on top of me, resting on his forearms. His body hovered just above mine, not touching. He stayed there a long moment, staring at me, making me grow wet and hungry again just with one look.

I circled my arms around his waist, wanting the weight of his body on mine. He gave me a little, but not all of it.

“I don’t want to smush you,” he said.

“I’m not easily smushed.” I spoke the words against his lips. Soon our kisses grew frantic, hot. He kissed his way down my body, ridding me of my panties in seconds. I pushed at his boxer briefs, wanting him closer. Wanting him inside me. Desperate for him.

A pile of condoms had been conveniently left on the table next to the bed. Thomas grabbed the only one labeled “extra-large” and slipped it on. Then he positioned himself between my thighs, his tip just at my entrance.

“Are you sure you’re ready, Sam? I don’t want you to do anything you’ll be sorry for tomorrow. I don’t want you to have regrets.”

“The only thing I’ll regret is if you waste any more time. I need you, Thomas. Now.”

I wriggled against him, demanding and hungry, and finally he complied, pushing into me gently. Slowly.

I gasped. “You’re huge. Too huge. You aren’t going to fit.”

He cupped my face with his hands, kissing me and stroking me until I relaxed. “It’ll be fine. You just need to get used to me. Ah, sweet Jesus. You feel so good.”

He kept kissing me, caressing me. Distracting me with his hands and his tongue as he entered me. Soon he was all the way in, filling me completely. I looked up at him in surprise.

“You did it.”

He laughed at the surprise in my voice and kissed my nose. “We did it. Together.”

He began to move. Slowly at first. Then with long, sweeping thrusts. I grabbed his bottom, holding it tight, my face hidden in the curve of his neck. I’d never felt anything like this before. So completely and totally in tune with another person. He filled every inch of me, both physically and emotionally. Making me whole. Bringing me back to life.

We came as one. I screamed just as Thomas called out my name. Perfect unison.

Afterward, he rolled onto his side, pulling me into his arms as our breathing returned to normal and our heart rates slowed. Thomas stared up at the mirrored ceiling, his expression shocked. I hadn’t even noticed the ceiling. I’d been too preoccupied with Thomas.

“Holy shit.” The way he said it sounded like
shite
making me giggle.

He cupped my face with his hand, his expression bewildered. “Holy
shit
.”

“What are you trying to say, Thomas? A few minutes ago, you were spouting Latin. Now this is all you’ve got?” I couldn’t help but giggle.

“Sorry,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “That was…”

It was rare to see Thomas MacGregor at a loss for words, but there were only two he seemed capable of managing at the moment. “Holy shit,” he said again.

I kissed his shoulder. “I guess that means you enjoyed it.”

He looked at me in shock. “Enjoyed it?
Enjoyed
it? Dear me, I never knew it could be like that. I had no idea. God, Sam. I love you. I said it before we had sex, and I’ll say it again just to let you know it wasn’t my dokey talking.”

I reached out and stroked him between his legs, gently cupping his testicles. He inhaled sharply, already partially erect again. “Your dokey can talk?” I asked. “What does it say?”

“It says, ‘More Sam. Now.’ And I think it means business,” he said roughly, pulling me on top of him.

This time I took control, lifting my body up and lowering myself on top of him, causing both of us to groan. We went slowly, enjoying each sensation. He ran his rough hands over my stomach, fascinated by the curve of my hips. By the shape and weight of my breasts. His eyes locked on mine.

I leaned forward and kissed him. Gently. Sweetly. He ran his hands down my back, grasping my bottom, increasing my rhythm until we both cried out once again.

Afterward, I stayed on top of him as he stroked my hair, murmuring soft meaningless things in my ear. I sighed. This was one moment of complete and utter contentment I could never share with Mr. Ando.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

A
fter we bathed in the giant tub, feeling sleepy and well loved, we dressed and walked slowly home. Thomas held me close, kissing the top of my head.

“Thanks for the chocolates, Sam,” he said, “And the sex. Of course.”

I laughed. “My pleasure. Thank you for the necklace and the dictionary.”

“It seemed appropriate. You aren’t a little thistle anymore, though. You’re much nicer now. Like a soft bit of heather. In fact, your thighs…”

I elbowed him hard in his ribs. “You can stop now.”

When we reached my door, he laced his fingers with mine. “I don’t want to go. I don’t want tonight to end.”

“It has to,” I said, going up on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek. “So we can have tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that…”

As the rest of my words were cut off by his lips, I realized I’d just made a promise to him. One I hoped I could keep.

I dreamed of Thomas that night. Of his clever hands and his sweet lips. I still felt like I floated on a cloud when I woke up. Hana took one look and gave me a very knowing smile.

“It looks like someone had a very happy Valentine’s Day.”

I gave her a fake punch in the shoulder just as the doorbell sounded. Hana opened the door, her face confused. Outside stood Hiro, right next to Dr. Brown.

Hiro stared at Hana, probably hoping she didn’t say anything by accident to hint at the nature of their relationship to Dr. Brown. He seemed very formal and serious. “Hello, ladies. Sorry for the interruption. We’re here to speak with Sam.”

I grabbed my robe and threw it over my shoulders. “Am I in trouble?”

For a moment, I thought they’d heard about our visit to the love hotel, although we certainly couldn’t be punished for something like that. Dr. Brown stepped out of his shoes and walked into our room. Our futons still lay on the floor, our sheets in a disheveled pile. Hana quickly tidied things up as I stood there staring.

“What’s going on?”

Dr. Brown cleared his throat. “You need to call your mother. I’m afraid she has some bad news.”

I covered my mouth with my hand. “Is it my grandma? Oh, my God.”

He put a hand on my shoulder. “Just call your mom. Do you have your phone or do you need mine?”

I dug through my purse with trembling hands. When I pulled it out, I realized the battery was low, but I called her anyway. She answered on the first ring.

“Sam?”

“Mom. What’s going on?”

“Is Dr. Brown with you?”

“Yes. Please tell me. Is it Grandma? Is she okay?”

Mom let out a shaky breath. I could tell she’d been crying. “It’s not Grandma, sweetie. It’s Dylan.”

I sank down to the floor. “What happened?”

“He’s gone, honey. He died.”

For a moment, my brain stopped working. It literally stopped. I heard what she’d just said, but couldn’t process it. “No. He’s in the hospital.”

“I’m so sorry, Sam.”

“No, Mom. You’re wrong. He can’t be dead. It’s not possible.”

I tried to deny it, but I heard the pain, sadness, and tears in her voice, and knew it was true. Dylan was dead. I felt my heart squeeze in my chest and come to a stop, like a frozen, black lump.

“How?” I asked. “Tell me. I need to know”

“He killed himself, Sam.”

“But there are nurses. Was no one watching him? How did he do it? I need to know how.”

I’d started screaming. I couldn’t stop myself.

“I’ll tell you, but you need to calm down. Now. I mean it.” I took a deep breath and forced myself to settle down. I needed that long distance slap and my mother knew it.

“Sorry, Mom. Please tell me everything. Please.”

“It seemed like he was doing a bit better the last few days. Mrs. Hunter actually felt…hopeful. Then yesterday he got up, went into the bathroom, locked the door, and hung himself. He used his pajama bottoms. That poor boy and his poor family. I can’t imagine…”

“Where were the nurses?”

“They do a rotation every fifteen minutes. Dylan timed it perfectly. By the time they found him and unlocked the bathroom door, it was too late. He was determined to die. No one could have stopped him. Even with around the clock care, he still found a way.”

I curled up in a ball, holding my knees close to my chest. “How are the Hunters?”

She let out a sad little sigh. “As you would expect. The funeral is next week.”

“I want to come.”

“No, Sam. You can’t. I already discussed it with your father and with the Hunters. It would be too much for you, and I think it would be too much for them, too.”

“Do they blame me? Do they think it’s my fault?”

My phone died in my hands and I stared at it in shock. Suddenly, everything closed up and I couldn’t breathe. When I realized this was probably how Dylan felt in the last moments of his life, it got even worse.

Dr. Brown watched me with concern. “She’s hyperventilating.”

“She’s having an anxiety attack,” said Hana. “Somebody help her.”

Thomas burst into the room, like a huge Scottish bull, just as I’d started seeing spots in front of my eyes. It had never been this bad before. I gulped, trying to get air into my lungs, but I looked like a goldfish that had jumped out of its bowl, gasping on the floor.

Thomas grabbed my face in his hands, his blue eyes locked on mine. He looked scared. I was scared, too.

“Breathe with me, Sam. Remember how we did this. Just breathe with me.”

I clutched his hands, nearly clawing at him. Terrified.

“You can do it. Relax. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.”

I remembered Mr. Ando’s words in the garden. His job was to exist. To breathe in and breathe out. Right now that was my job, too.

I pushed all thoughts of Dylan out of my head and kept my focus on Thomas. It took a long time, longer than I expected, but eventually I began to breathe, taking one long shuddering breath after another.

Thomas pulled me close, kissing the top of my head. “That’s my girl.”

I pushed him away. Furious. When I spoke, my voice sounded raspy and strange. “Get out. Now.”

He stared at me, his blue eyes hurt and confused, and then he slowly stood up and walked out the door.

I scrambled around, searching for my phone charger, throwing things around the room. Dr. Brown watched me. “I think we need to call the nurse.”

Hana cried softly, leaning against Hiro. He pulled out his phone and called the nurse, speaking softly in Japanese. I stomped back and forth, muttering to myself, not caring how I looked or sounded. When I finally found my charger, under a pile of dirty laundry, I ran to the outlet and plugged it in. My mom FaceTimed me before I could even dial her number. She took one look at my face and started to cry again.

“Sam. Oh, baby.”

I stared at her, wanting to see the truth in her eyes. “Do they blame me?” I asked, carefully enunciating every word.

She shook her head, confused. “Why would they blame you? Sweetheart, Dylan was a very sick boy. If you hadn’t found him in his apartment when you did, he would have been dead months ago.”

I heard her words, and on a logical level I understood them, but on an emotional level I felt like a murderer. She obviously read something about how I felt on my face.

“Can I talk to Dr. Brown for a moment?” she asked, wiping her eyes with a tissue. My dad hovered in the background, silent and worried.

I nodded, handing him the phone, numb. I heard the soft whispers of their conversation.
Yes, we’ve called the nurse. She’ll be here soon. Someone will be with Sam at all times. No need to worry.

When Nurse Kawada saw me, she decided I’d just earned a visit to the medical center of the university. She thought I could use a mild sedative, and I wasn’t about to argue with her.

She tucked me into a bed, murmuring soft, soothing words to me in Japanese as she put in an IV. Immediately, I felt calmer. I must have passed out soon afterward. I didn’t wake until early evening.

Thomas sat by my bed, holding my hand and stroking it. I smiled when I saw him, then everything came back to me in a horrible rush and I remembered what had happened. I snatched my hand away.

“I told you to leave.”

He shrugged. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I don’t want you here.”

“Too bad.”

I turned my face away, refusing to look at him. “Why?” I asked, my voice soft as a whisper.

“Why what?”

“Why would you want to stay? This doesn’t exactly bode well for us, Thomas. Dylan killed himself, probably while we were...” I let out a shuddering sigh. “How can we possibly get over something like this?”

He stayed silent, refusing to speak until I turned back and faced him. I was surprised to see tears in his eyes.

“Because I love you and you love me, and I’m a stubborn ox. Yesterday, you promised me forever. I don’t accept backsies.”

I frowned, staring at him in disbelief. “
Backsies
?”

“You know exactly what I mean. I spoke with your mum, by the way. She called while you slept. She’s worried sick.”

I groaned. “Give me my phone.”

He handed it to me and I called her, reassuring I hadn’t completely lost my mind. “It was such a terrible shock, sweetheart. And hearing about it over the phone...”

“You did the right thing.”

“Do you want me to come? Daddy offered to fly over, too.”

“No. You can’t leave your kindergarteners, and Daddy could never handle that long flight. I thought he’d have a heart attack just flying to Florida. I’ll be fine, and Sophie will be here in a few weeks anyway.”

“If you need me, I’ll be on the next plane.”

“I’m sure.”

“Is Thomas there? He promised to watch out for you.”

I scowled at him. “Yes, he’s here.”

“Can I talk with him?”

I handed him the phone, giving him another dirty look. Now he was in cahoots with my mom. He’d probably already charmed my dad as well. And all it would take was for Sophie to hear his accent. She’d have an instant crush on him.

He took the phone into the hall and spoke with her quietly for a few minutes. When he came back, I pretended to sleep, my back to him, but he didn’t fall for it.

“It’s time to talk, Sam.”

“I don’t want to.”

“If you don’t pull it together, Dr. Brown is going to send you home and you’ll miss out on the rest of the semester here. Is that what you want?”

I turned slowly and faced him, still frowning like a petulant child. “What are you talking about?”

“You scared the bejesus out of him. He’d never seen an anxiety attack before. You scared Hana, too.”

“I can’t go home. They don’t even want me at the funeral.”

He glared at me. “That wasn’t what she said, but if you want to whinge, whine, and wallow, go ahead.”

“You’re being mean.”

“I’m being honest. What good would it do for you to go to the funeral? Think about why you want to go. It isn’t for Dylan, or his family, or your family. It’s because you’re afraid you’ll feel guilty afterwards if you don’t, and you’re pretty much full up on guilt right now. Do you know what guilt is? Self-indulgence. A useless emotion.”

I blinked away tears. “Why are you doing this?”

He got up and sat on the side of my bed. “Because you need it.”

He might have been right, but I wasn’t about to admit that at the moment. I looked at the IV in my arm. “Can we see about getting this removed? I want to get out of here.”

He nodded. “That’s my girl.”

“Stop saying that.”

He ignored me completely and went to look for Nurse Kawada. I flopped back down on my pillows.

“Stubborn freaking ox.”