Saving Ever After (Ever After #4) (28 page)

“You don’t
want me because of how messed up I am.”

“No!” panic
flared in his eyes. “That’s not it Mia. Please don’t think that I don’t want
you. You saw and felt that I do.”

I took a
calming breath, relief settling over me. “Okay, then what is it? If you want
me, and I already told you how I feel about you, then why isn’t that enough?”

He looked at
me almost sadly, “Mia, we can’t jump into anything. Neither one of us is in the
right place for it. I care about you so much that it scares me a little, but
things between Katrina and I have only been over for a month, and you . . .” He
blew out a heavy breath, “Mia, as much as this doesn’t change how much I care
about you, you just admitted to me fifteen minutes ago that until this morning
you were snorting cocaine almost every night to cope with the shit you’ve been
through, and I understand why, I really do, but that doesn’t change the fact
that your head hasn’t been in a good place for a while.”

“But, I’m
done. I told you I won’t do it anymore. I promise, and if I have you, I won’t need
the drugs. I know I won’t.” He was all I needed, all I wanted, and had been for
so very long.

He brushed
the backs of his fingers over my cheek in an intimate gesture. “I believe you
Mia, I do. I know you don’t want the drugs. I know you never did. I know you
never meant for any of it to happen, but it did Mia, and you’ve got to deal
with it. You’ve got to face the things that made you do it, before you can move
forward. I can’t be the only thing holding your head above water, keeping you
from drowning.”

“What are
you saying? You won’t be with me?”

“I can’t,
not right now Mia.”

I sucked in
a breath, feeling like I’d just been stabbed. I couldn’t believe I’d been so
foolish. Of course he couldn’t. Wanting me physically and actually wanting to
be with me weren’t the same thing. How could he ever actually be with me when it
would be such a risk for him. I was the junkie who was being kicked out of college.
I knew I wasn’t good enough for him, but I’d let myself believe otherwise for
just a second, but that was long enough for hope to bitch slap the hell out of
me.

“Fine, I
understand. You can go. It’s fine,” I told him, refusing to meet his eyes.

“No it’s not
fine, because I don’t think you do understand. This isn’t about what either of
us wants Mia, this is about what you need. You need to get real help. You need
to be healthy and in the right frame of mind before anything could ever happen
between us.”

“But
something did just happen between us,” I cried, “and it was perfect! How can
that not matter to you?”

“It does
matter to me,” he said calmly. “It matters a lot, which is why I can’t do this
to you, or me. It’s not fair to me or you to go into a new relationship
carrying this weight that’s on you. I know if you just talk to Sadie or your
dad, they’ll get you real help, good help, and then maybe when you’re better –”

I held up a
hand to stop him. I couldn’t listen to anymore.

Maybe
when I’m better.

It was such bullshit.
It was the same story. It just hurt more hearing it from him.

“Why can’t I
ever just be enough the way that I am?” I asked desperately, fighting back the
tears.

“Mia, you
are enough, but
this
isn’t you.”

“This
is
me.
I’m not high or drunk right now. This is just me and you’re still telling me
it’s not good enough.” He tried to reach for me, but I stood and backed away.

“Mia,
please.” He stood as well, but didn’t make a move toward me.

“Please
what? Please be smarter? Stronger? Happier? Better? What do I have to do,
Chris? What do you want me to be?”

“I don’t
want you to be anything but you, and you are more than this.”

“No, you
just want me to be more than this. You want me to change, just like everyone
else does, and I’m tired of trying and failing. It hurts too bad. It fucking
hurts too bad. I’m tired of hurting, Chris. Love is supposed to make it stop
hurting, but I love you and now it hurts so damn bad that I feel like I can’t
breathe, so I need you just to leave.”

“Mia,” he
whispered, taking a step toward me.

“Please just
go.”

“I’m not
leaving like this. It hurts me too.”

“No it
doesn’t,” I screamed at him. “If you felt even half of the hurt I’m feeling,
you wouldn’t be able to walk away from this. You wouldn’t be saying these
things to me.”

“I’m not
walking away, Mia. I’ll be there for you while you go through this, and then –”

“Then what?
Maybe? What the hell am I supposed to do with maybe? I’ve heard maybe before.
‘Maybe we’ll come visit you for family weekend, if we’re not too busy
shopping.’ ‘Maybe I’ll fly out there after Thanksgiving when work has settled
down.’ ‘Maybe after you get a degree I can find a place for you at the
company.’ ‘Maybe if you were more like Cait or Leila, I could trust you.’
‘Maybe if you wouldn’t screw up so much your dad and I wouldn’t fight so much.’
I can keep going Chris. My whole life is a bunch of maybes that only ever end
in disappointment. I’ve fallen short so many times, not measuring up to what
people wanted from me. I can’t take that from you too.”

“Don’t do
this, Mia. I’m not them. I won’t do that to you.”

“You’re
already doing it,” I yelled again. “Just go.” He started to protest again. “Go!
I don’t want you here. Leave.”

“I’m not
going Mia. I’m not leaving you alone like this.”

“Why because
you’re afraid I’ll go get high? I’m so weak and pathetic that I’ll fall apart
the second you walk out that door, is that what you think? That you need to
save me from myself? Is that why you’re here, why you kissed me, just so you
could convince me to get help? Well maybe it’s true. I guess we’ll find out,
because you’re leaving.”

“No, I’m
not, and that’s not what I think.”

“Yes you
are, if I have to start screaming until someone comes in here and makes you
leave,” I said coldly.

“Mia,” he
pleaded.

“Just stop.
Stop saying my name like you give a shit. Just go. Go! Get out!” I cried
hysterically. “Now!” My voice was loud enough that if anyone was in the hall, they
could easily hear it. Chris’ eyes flashed to the door, probably expecting
someone to start beating on it, asking what’s going on.

“Get out of
my room,” I yelled through the tears again. Why wouldn’t he just go? Every
second that he stood there, only made the pressure in my chest worse.

“Okay, I’ll
go,” he finally resigned. “But please call Sadie or someone. Don’t do anything
stupid. No matter what you think, I didn’t mean to hurt you like this. This
isn’t what I want. I’m here for you, if you’ll let me be. Whenever, it doesn’t
matter what time it is or where you are, you can call me, and I swear I’ll be there.”

Just not in
the way I needed him to be. He couldn’t love me. At least that was the one
thing he hadn’t tried to lie about, hadn’t pretended or promised anything.
Still, watching him walk out the door, ripped my heart in two. It made the pain
of having the other Kris blow me off seem like nothing.

He’d dangled
possibility in front of my face, let me taste it and feel it, and then yanked
it away. He was right. I was weak and pathetic. He knew it, and I knew it as I
slid my phone out of my pocket. I just needed one last fix to get through
tonight, and then tomorrow it wouldn’t hurt as much and I could deal. I just
needed it tonight, to take the edge off this crushing pain.

Mia

We’re
having Christmas breakfast at the house. It’s just the group and we’d all love
it if you could make it. I would love it if you would come. Please come. I love
you. I miss you. Please come.

I read Sadie’s
text for the sixth time, the words swimming in my head as the high took over. I’d
woken up this morning in even more pain than last night, so I’d taken the last
of what I scored from Jillian last night. It was a lot. More than I’d ever
taken at once. Maybe too much, but I needed it. Just this last time to get
through the pain. To take the edge off of it.

Now I was
angry. I wasn’t supposed to be angry. I was supposed to feel good, but even my
high was being ruined.

Sadie had
called about six times this morning before finally resorting to sending the
text.

We’d all
love it if you could make it.

Ha. Not
everyone.

I wondered
what that lying asshole would do if I showed up there and called him on his
shit right in front of everyone. He wouldn’t be able to lie to me anymore with
them watching. They wouldn’t let him get away with trying to sell me those
sweet words. They wouldn’t let him get away with making me feel like this. He’d
have to tell me the truth, admit that he never really wanted me. He would admit
that it was a mistake and then maybe I could hate him, maybe I could stop
loving him.

Love sucked.
It was too hard loving people, trying and never being enough for them to love
me back. I didn’t blame them, but I just wanted all the love gone. It hurt. It
ripped me open and bled me dry.

I loved my
dad, but where was he? He was supposed to be my daddy, my protector, but he
wasn’t here. All I had of him was a Merry Christmas voicemail. A voicemail! He
didn’t even question why I didn’t want to come home. The last time I talked to
him on the phone was a week ago when he called me to tell me that Sadie was
worried about me. I convinced him I was fine and he just let it go. How could
he be so oblivious and indifferent? Why didn’t he try harder?

Did he learn
it from my mother?

I loved her
too. I hated her, but I loved her. I couldn’t help it. She was my mom.

She of all
people was supposed to love me back.

There had to
be something irrevocably wrong with me that not even she could find it in her
to give me what I needed so badly.

So stupidly
I let myself love Chris too.

The first
smile he ever gave me weakened all of my defenses, and after that, one by one
he knocked them down with his kindness, his gentleness, his playfulness, his
patience and his understanding. But then he rejected me. He promised me he
wouldn’t leave and then he broke that promise. I wasn’t enough, and his lies
hurt so much worse than anyone else’s.

I care.

You mean
something to me.

I do want
you . . . but . . .

But he
didn’t mean any of it. He pitied me, wanted to save me, but not even he could.
No one could, but how was I just supposed to stop loving him when it was all I
could feel all the time?

No more.

NO MORE!

Those were
the words I repeated to myself as I frantically searched for my keys, locating
them under the stupid letter telling me I had to be out of this dorm by the
first. Even the school was rejecting me now. No more chances. I had nothing
left and nothing to lose, I told myself on the way out the door.

I would tell
Chris exactly what I thought about this love and all his stupid lies. I didn’t
want it anymore. I wanted it out of me. He could have it back. He was the
stupid asshole who had made me love him in the first place. It was all his
fault.

I started
planning what I would say to him as I paced back and forth on the short
elevator ride down to the first floor. I felt like I was suffocating in the
small metal box, growing more and more agitated until the doors finally dinged
open, freeing me from their confinement. The dorm was pretty empty, most
everyone had gone home for the holidays. Only a few of us remained, so I didn’t
see another soul as I made my way outside.

When I
stepped out into the snow, I barely registered the freezing sensation, not at
all giving thought to the fact that I was only in my socks and a pair of cotton
shorts. Chris’ sweatshirt protected my upper body. Sometime during the night I
had retrieved it from my floor and hadn’t taken it off since. I trudged through
the slush to my car, pulling up the extra long sleeve to free my hand so I
could get my car unlocked and started.

My head started
pounding. My heart was racing. I tapped my hands on the steering wheel, and my
left knee bounced up and down as I pushed the car just a little faster toward
Ace and Sadie’s.

I don’t even
think I grabbed the keys from the ignition when I pulled into their driveway. I
was having a difficult time thinking straight. My body was shaky and aching. I
felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. All I could focus on was
getting inside. Seeing him, punishing him, was the only thought I could hang on
to. I just wanted to make him feel some of this pain.

So many
pairs of eyes flashed to me when I burst through the door and stormed into the
dining room. I ignored the looks of shock and alarm, seeking out the person I
came for. He was there, rising out of his seat, looking at me terrified. Then
he was moving toward me, my name a pain filled plea flying from his lips.

I stood
there, shaking, watching him approach me cautiously. Somewhere, I think right
beside me, Sadie was saying my name as well, but it was like she was in another
room. Everything was hazy except what was right in front of me. My eyes were
glued on Chris. He was getting closer. Too close.

“Stop!” I
cried hoarsely. He stopped, and then I wondered why my voice was so choked up.
My body felt like it was on fire. My head hurt. Pain swelled in my stomach. I
felt something dripping down my face. I swiped my hand under my nose and across
my cheek, pulling it back to find a mixture of blood and tears.

My nose was
bleeding.

My heart was
bleeding too. It was bleeding tears that ran down my cheeks and mixed with the
red.

“Mia,” he
said my name again. Was that all he could fucking say?

Mia. Mia.
Mia.

“Don’t!” I
tried to yell, but it came out more of a whimper.

“You need
help,” he urged and then I felt someone’s hand on my shoulder. Sadie’s. I shook
it off and stepped back from both of them. This wasn’t what was supposed to
happen. Why couldn’t I think of what I wanted to say? I was supposed to come in
here and show him, punish him, make him sorry, make the hurting stop. Now
everything hurt so much, I couldn’t see or think straight.

Ace was at
Sadie’s side now. Everyone was watching me in horror. I felt like I couldn’t
breathe. I was too hot, and why was I shaking?

Chris took
another tentative step toward me.

“I hate
you,” I cried. He didn’t even flinch, just took another step toward me.

“I know, but
you need to let me help you right now.”

“I don’t
need your help. I don’t want your help. I just want you to go. I just want you
out of here.” I smacked my hand against my chest, over my heart, and then
doubled over in pain.

“You do need
help, Mia. You’re not okay right now.”

“But I was
okay enough last night for you to strip me on my couch and fuck me?” I screamed
in agony.

I watched
Chris’ eyes go wide and heard several gasps throughout the room.

Ace’s voice
boomed, “What did you do?” Then, in an instant, he was on Chris, his fist
pulled back and then it was flying toward Chris’ face. He barely managed to get
out the words, “I didn’t,” before Ace’s punch landed.

All hell
broke loose after that. Someone screamed when Chris went down. I think it was
me. Everyone jumped up. Spade tried to pull Ace back before he could hit Chris
again, but Chris wasn’t even paying attention to Ace. His eyes were locked on
mine. They were so full of anguish that echoed mine, and not because Ace had
hit him. It was for me. He did feel this hurt too.

In the
second before my head erupted with pain, I could see things a little more
clearly. He did feel what I felt. He wasn’t giving up on me. He was trying to
get to his feet to come to me, even as Ace shoved him and screamed at him
again. I was crashing down to my knees, and he was trying to get to me. When
everyone else was watching the fight, he was watching me. He saw me, and I saw
him so clearly. Then I saw nothing

Everything
went black. There was nothing but agony and confusion and voices screaming my
name, one louder than all the rest, and in it I heard all the things he’d tried
to tell me yesterday that I hadn’t been able to hear. I’d been so very wrong
about him and so many things, but it was too late.

Then there
was nothing.