Saving Ever After (Ever After #4) (27 page)

The day I
actually contemplated ending it all was the day I knew I had to stop. The
smallest part of me kept saying that there had to be something more, that I
could get past this. That part of me didn’t want to die.

 I decided I
would never touch that shit again. That was also the day I was surprised by a
knock on my door. I expected it to be Jillian and prepared myself to give her
an excuse for why I couldn’t go get high with her. Only it wasn’t Jillian. It
wasn’t Sadie either, even though she’d continued to call and text and leave
messages and try to come by, in her attempt to get through to me. None of it
had worked. I knew she had finally given up, but still, the person at my door
was the last person I expected to see when I opened it. When I did, I wanted to
curl up and die in my shame rather than endure his scrutiny.

Chris

The door to
Mia’s room opened, but the girl that stood before me couldn’t be Mia. The girl
I saw was a shell. There was no life in her eyes rimmed with dark circles. They
were hollow except for the insecurity in them. Her skin was ashen, lacking the
glow that used to be there. The bones in her cheeks, wrists and elbows seemed
more prominent. She’d lost weight that she couldn’t afford to lose, and I’d
wager that she’d lost a lot of sleep too in the past month. I could not accept
that this was Mia. It had been a month since I’d seen her. A month since that
night, but she looked like she’d had years dumped on her.

She seemed
to shrink from my gaze, wrapping her arms around her stomach. Her eyes darted
anywhere and everywhere but to me. I wanted to ask,
“What happened to you?”
I
wanted to take her in my arms and protect her from whatever was draining the
life right out of her.

“Can I come
in?” I asked instead. She didn’t speak, but stepped to the side for me to pass,
and then she closed the door behind me. I took in her room for the second time.
The first had been when we picked her up on the way to the airport. I’d hardly
seen more than a glimpse that day. It was neat and tidy except for a few items
of clothing strewn about. It was a large room, attached to its own bathroom,
and I could see the touches of Mia in the décor. A girly bedspread, the small pink
couch with fancy throw pillows, a colorful throw rug. They all fit. What didn’t
were the dark, drawn curtains blocking out the sunlight and bathing the room in
a gloomy dimness, the overturned pictures and empty spaces on the wall where
she’d torn down whatever used to hang there, and the almost stale smell that
permeated the air. I could feel her sadness in the room like it had a physical
presence.

There wasn’t
a single light on. The TV wasn’t even turned on. Her computer wasn’t lit up and
there was a pile of unopened mail on her desk. There was no stack of books or
papers on her coffee table to indicate studying, not that she could in this
lighting. The only sign of life was the rumpled bed. Had she still been in bed?
It was possible given her current state of dress, baggy sweatpants that
probably didn’t used to be so baggy and a tank top that hung loose on her bony
frame.

I felt like
I needed a Prozac after being in her room for two minutes. What I’d come here
to say shouldn’t have taken longer than that, but now, seeing her, I wanted to
crumple the letter in my hand. Instead I shoved it into my pocket and turned
back to look at her. “Put some shoes on, we’re going somewhere.”

She stared
back at me blankly. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Yes, you
are. If I have to throw you over my damn shoulder, you’re getting out of this
fucking pit of despair for a little while. So put some damn shoes on or you can
go barefoot, and since there’s a foot and a half of snow outside right now, I
wouldn’t recommend it.”

“Where are
we going?” She still made no move to put shoes on.

“Out.”

She stared
at me a minute longer. I could see her silently debating whether or not it was
worth it to argue with me, but I just stared right back. She must have decided
it wasn’t, because she finally sighed and walked over to her closet, pulling
out a pair of sheepskin lined boots and shoving her feet into them. She also
pulled out a scarf and wrapped it around her neck before tugging on a heavy
jacket.

“Fine let’s
go.”

I wasn’t
sure where I was taking her, I just knew I couldn’t stay in that depressing room
a minute longer and I couldn’t leave her in there either. We got in my car and
just drove. I turned the music on softly and neither of us spoke. There was so
much I wanted to say, but I could sense how nervous and anxious Mia was. The
last time she’d been in my car, well the last time she’d been conscious in my
car, I’d yelled at her. A part of me still wanted to yell at her some more for
what she’d clearly been doing to herself. I wasn’t an idiot. I’d been around
addicts my fair share in the music world. I knew she was using something.

I wanted to
yell at her for pushing Sadie and everyone away, for refusing to get help. I
wanted to yell at her for the letter I snagged out of Ace’s mailbox before
Sadie could see it. Mostly, I just wanted to understand. Beyond the anger I
felt, beyond the concern and worry, was this crushing and devastating sorrow
for the girl in the seat next to me. The one who’d worked her way so completely
inside of me that I couldn’t let her go no matter how hard I’d tried to do that
the past month.

I wanted the
girl who’d become my friend and so more than that, even though I hadn’t seen it
at first. The one who teased and played pranks, started water fights she
couldn’t finish. The one who could kick my ass at every video game out there. I
wanted the beautiful girl who smiled at me for no reason when she didn’t think
I could see it. I wanted the silly girl who still jumped on the bed and sang
horribly but unashamedly. I wanted the girl who’d let down all her walls with
me and let me see the real her, because that girl was mine. That was my Mia,
and I wanted her back.

I hadn’t fully
realized until now how much I’d missed her, but that girl wasn’t in the car
with me. I didn’t know where she’d gone, but I knew I wasn’t taking her home
until I was sure that she was still in there somewhere.

I ended up driving
us down by the harbor and Piers Park. I doubted that today of all days there
would be very many people out there, so it seemed as good a place as any to
stop and get out. For a moment, I doubted if Mia was going to get out and
follow me, but I kept on walking toward the water and the promenade. Eventually
I heard her door open and then slam shut. She caught up with me quickly, and
then we walked quietly, side by side, along the water.

It was
almost nice, like I could pretend there wasn’t all this tension between us and
that it was like the day we’d hiked the reservation. Even with all the turmoil
swirling inside of me, there was something peaceful about just being near her,
but every time I would turn my head to look at her, I was struck once again by
the drastic difference in her appearance from that day. Her shoulders sagged as
if a giant weight rested on them, and there was a heaviness in her heart that
showed on her face and in her tired steps.

I walked
over to the edge of the snow covered pathway, resting my hands on the cold
railing that separated it from the water just below. From this spot there was a
perfect view of the Boston skyline, and although it was just across the water,
it felt a world away from our quiet little spot. Mia came to rest beside me,
and I turned to look at her.

“Mia, do you
even realize that today is Christmas Eve?”

I could tell
that it had caught her off guard, but she tried to hide it. “Of course.”

I blew out a
heavy breath, “Why do I get the feeling that until I just told you, you
didn’t?”

“Of course I
know it’s Christmas Eve, I mean I knew it was this week, I guess the days just
went by faster and it slipped my mind when I woke up this morning. I’ve been
busy lately.”

“I can
imagine, what with finals just having been last week. I’m sure you had a lot of
work and studying in your classes.”

“Yeah.
Finals. They were a killer.”

“I find it
funny that you would know that Mia, when the letter that came in the mail yesterday
said you didn’t even show up for finals, or the hearings they held, and that on
top of your code of conduct violations, you missed so many classes that you
failed all of your courses. It said some other things too.”

She
continued to stare out over the water for a few minutes and I just watched her,
until she finally turned to face me with a hardened expression. “So is this why
you brought me here? To lecture me again, to tell me how badly I screwed up,
how I blew it and I’m a failure? Thanks, but I’ll save you the trouble. I
already know.” By that last part her voice had started to break and her lips
trembled as the tears built behind her eyes.

“No Mia,
that’s not why I brought you here.”

“Then why?”

“Because
what I saw when you opened the door today scared me. You’re not okay Mia. I can
see that, hell anyone who looks at you can see that. You need help. You’ve got
Sadie even if you’ve done nothing but try to push her away, she’s still there
for you, and I’m right here.” I took her hand. “So please talk to me. You’re
not alone.”

I watched
her break, saw the moment that it happened, that the wall she’d put up to
protect herself crumbled. The tears started flowing and her whole body was
wracked with deep, painful cries. I threw my arms around her shoulders, pulling
her head into my chest and holding her there. She clung to my shirt with her
hands as she tried to bury her sobs in it. Every single cry, every single tear
I felt drenching my shirt, wrecked me. Mia wasn’t just broken, but she was
breaking apart right there in my arms. I pulled her over to the bench a few
feet away from where we stood, and I sat, tugging her down beside me, but never
letting go of her.

I held her
until her tortured sobs turned into quiet sniffles. Her body still shook and
her chest heaved with each deep breath she pulled in, but eventually she lifted
her head and scooted away from me. Her puffy, red eyes wouldn’t meet mine and I
knew I was witnessing her emotional retreat. “I’m sorry for all that,” she
sniffed.

“Don’t be
sorry for that. You needed it, and you need to let go of whatever weight is
pulling you down before it kills you, Mia.”

“I don’t
know what to do,” she choked out in anguish. “I messed up so bad.”

“Talk to
me,” I pleaded. I wanted,
needed
, to help her, but I couldn’t if she
wouldn’t let me.

“Please
don’t leave me alone,” she cried. “Please don’t leave me alone. I’m so scared.
I can’t stop this. I tried, I swear I tried. I never wanted to be
this,
”
she spit out with so much self-loathing. “I can’t help it. All I do is screw
up, and oh God, I’ve screwed up so bad this time.”

I rubbed my
hand up and down her back, softly soothing her. “It’s okay, I won’t leave you.
We can stay here as long as you want, or we can go wherever. If you want to
talk, I’ll listen, or we can go to Ace’s. He and Sadie are doing a Christmas
Eve dinner. The whole group is there. I know she wants you to be there.
Everyone would like to see you.”

“No!” She
shook her head adamantly. “I can’t. I was so awful to her, and God, what Ace
and everyone else must think of me.”

“Sadie loves
you Mia, more than anything. She just wants to help you. I think being around
her and other people who care about you would be good for you.”

“I can’t,”
she said solemnly. “Not right now. I can’t face her or any of them.”

“Then where
do you want to go? We can’t sit out here much longer. You’ll freeze to death.”
With how tiny she was, I already worried that she was starting to freeze. Her
body still trembled slightly.

“Can we just
go back to my room?”

“Sure, but
only if you let me turn a few lights on,” I teased, hoping to get a smile out
of her and I did get just the barest hint of one. I would take it though.
Anything was better than seeing her tears.

Mia

When we got
back to my dorm, the first thing Chris did was turn on the lights, just like
he’d said he would. Embarrassment, that he’d found me like this, seen just how
low I’d fallen, flushed through me again.

“So how was
Florida? Was the Hard Rock Café pretty amazing?” I asked, not knowing what else
to talk about, and afraid that if I didn’t start the conversation, he would. I
hoped that talking about the band’s recent trip and performance at Universal
Orlando would keep him from steering toward things I’d rather avoid. Even after
I’d ripped down the band’s poster from my wall, I hadn’t been able to stop
following them, following him.

“Is this
really what you want to talk about?” He dropped down on my couch. I just leaned
against the opposite arm and nodded.

“Fine,” he
said humoring me. “It was great, incredible even. The show was awesome, the
café was awesome. The theme parks were awesome.”

“That’s . .
. awesome,” I said lamely. “Umm, when’s your guys’ next show?”

“We’re
hosting Saturday Night Live next week, and then we have our annual benefit
concert for the Children’s hospital coming up too.” He sounded utterly bored,
and I knew it was because he didn’t want to talk about the band or himself. He
wanted to talk about me, but I was a coward.

“Wow
Saturday Night Live, that’s awesome.”

“Yeah, you
should come.” He actually sounded like he meant it.

“Really? I
could?”

“Yeah, it’s
not like you’ll have to worry about being in school since they’re kicking you
out.”

My face
flamed, the heat spreading all the way to my ears. I knew it was coming, how
could they not kick me out? But to have him throw it in my face like that
wasn’t just embarrassing, it was mortifying and hurtful.

“I’m sorry,
Mia. I shouldn’t have done that. I really do think you should come to New York.
I didn’t mean to make a joke out of you getting kicked out, but you’re avoiding
talking to me about it, about anything that actually matters. You’re trying to
shut me out again.”

“I . . .” I
completely froze. I didn’t know what to say, all of my words and excuses and
explanations just died before they could leave my mouth. None of them were
enough. I didn’t know how to tell him just how badly I’d screwed up. If he knew
. . .

If he knew
everything, he’d get up and walk out that door.

He scooted
closer to me, grabbing my hands and tugging me down off the arm of the couch
and onto the seat beside him. He didn’t release my hands. “Mia, talk to me,
please. Tell me what happened.”

“But you’ll
go. You’ll leave again.”

“I promise,
I won’t leave.” With one hand he entwined his fingers in mine. “I’ll stay right
here.” I still had my doubts, but I wanted to believe him so badly. I wanted
there to be someone who could see the worst of me and not run. And more than
anything, I wanted that someone to be him. I wanted him to be the one to choose
to stay. I just didn’t know what I would do if he didn’t.

“The night
before you had to pick me up from jail, well I did something really stupid that
night.” As much as it hurt to relive everything for him, there were moments I
couldn’t even look him in the eye, I almost felt relief at finally being able
to talk to someone. To tell someone how much it hurt after Kris and I had
become so close, for him to run out like that after waking up in my bed. How it
killed me that one drunken, bad decision blew it all to hell, and from there
the bad decisions spiraled.

He was
really patient, never interrupting or giving me disgusted looks. He just
listened.

I told him
all about the events that led to me leaving the party that night trashed and
getting arrested. I had to go back and tell him about the night with Leland and
Derek and how I found out what they had done and tried to do again. His anger
was noticeable then, but I knew it wasn’t at me. I kept going.

 I confessed
how much it had killed me to think that he hated me when he picked me up from
the station and why I drank almost that entire bottle of Jack when he left with
Katrina. Somehow my feelings for him just sort of poured out of my mouth in
word vomit. I actually told him I loved him. When I forced myself to meet his
eyes after that, he looked a little stunned, but still didn’t say anything,
just let me finish.

Somehow I
made it through waking up in the hospital and throwing Sadie out and my mom’s
short visit, to the hardest part. The first night I went in that back room with
Jillian. I cried when I told him about how the high felt like an escape and
that for a while it freed me from everything, but then when it would wear off,
I’d feel so much worse, which would only push me further into the spiral of
depression, and then I’d do it again.

“I swear I’m
done though,” I finished, wiping my sleeve under my eyes and nose. “I know I
can’t keep doing it, and I don’t want to. I’d already decided, before you even
got here, that I won’t ever touch that stuff again.”

“Oh Mia,” he
whispered, raising one hand up to cup my face and swipe his thumb across my
cheek, brushing away the tears there. He dropped his forehead to mine, resting
it there, his eyes closed in a pained expression. I couldn’t breathe. I was
frozen still, trying to ingrain this moment permanently into my memory. The way
his nose brushed mine and his breath tickled across my skin. The warmth and
feel of his calloused hand on my cheek and his other hand still squeezing mine
in his lap.

Then his
eyes opened and the soft blue orbs stared into mine with such understanding and
compassion. Calm washed over me and another tear slipped down my cheek.

This is why
I loved him. He’d always been able to see me. I’d felt it the first time I met
him in Ace’s kitchen almost exactly a year ago. He could really see me now, all
of me, every ugly part. I was splayed wide open, and yet he was looking at me
like he could see past the ugliness and that there was something there.
Something worth hanging onto and believing in. Something beautiful even.

Then he took
me completely by surprise and kissed me.

It was just
the softest touch of his lips to mine, a gentle caress that had all the oxygen
leaving my lungs and my heart trying to escape my chest. It lasted only a
second before he pulled away and looked at me, like he was waiting for me to
say something. I was incapable of forming words though, and if I could speak,
the only thing I would say is
kiss me again.

He did.

Holy shit,
was he a mind reader?

His mouth
descended again, and even knowing it was coming this time didn’t prepare me for
the powerful and heady rush of emotion when his lips lightly touched mine the
second time. It started so soft and slow, and sweet. His full lips were warm
and soft. I closed my eyes and tentatively pressed back. His hand swept back
into my hair and then he kissed me more deeply, rocking my senses, making my
entire body tingle with awareness.

I could
smell the faintest hint of some kind of soap on his skin. The slight pressure
of his hand gripping my hair made me ache to have him pull me in tighter. Then
his other hand released mine and wrapped around my waist, resting against my
lower back.

Then his
tongue flicked out, tasting my top lip and then my bottom. I parted them,
allowing him to sweep inside, sensually stroking my tongue with his. He tasted
of mint gum. When his tongue retreated, I pushed mine into his mouth, almost
shyly. Rising up, I turned my body fully to face him, with one knee pressing
into the cushion next to his hip, my other foot planted on the floor. I lifted
my hand lightly to his jaw, feeling the slight stubble there and then running
it down his neck, softly tracing my thumb over the base of his throat and then
under the collar of his shirt. I pulled back to look into his eyes.

“Do you see
me?” I whispered.

“I see you.
Always have. Even when I tried not to.”

I touched my
lips to his throat trailing them up to his jaw before finding his mouth again. His
chest heaved, matching the heavy rise and fall of my own. Some of my shyness
started slipping away. The harder and deeper I kissed him, the tighter he held
me to him, until finally he dropped one hand to my hip, sliding it down my
thigh and then lifting it over his lap so that my knees rested on either sides
of his hips and I was straddling him. Both of his arms wound around my back. I
slid one hand down his back and the other into his hair. It was just long
enough for me to tangle my fingers in. He seemed to like it when I pulled on it
a little. He kissed me more hungrily.

When our
mouths broke apart, I sucked in a deep breath and he pressed light kisses along
my jaw as he shoved my jacket off my shoulders, helping me out of it.

“You’re
beautiful, Mia. So damn beautiful, even if you can’t see it.” He kissed my neck
and a breathy, contented sigh fluttered across my lips, encouraging him
further. He sucked and gently nipped at my neck and shoulder. Then, he gripped
my hips tightly with both of his hands, picking me up just slightly, and he
flipped us so that I was lying flat on my back on the couch and he was hovering
over me.

He tugged
the collar of my shirt down, kissing all along my collarbone to my other
shoulder. His other hand slipped under the hem of my shirt, lightly caressing
my stomach. It wasn’t fair. I wanted to touch and taste him. I tugged at his
sweatshirt, pulling it up his back, and he sat up, jerking it the rest of the
way off and tossing it over the back of the couch. Then he was kissing me
again, all over. My lips. My jaw. My neck. My shoulder. My throat.

I slid my
hands up the back of his t-shirt, squeezing his shoulders and lightly raking my
nails down his back. He shuddered, tipping his head back and groaning. Then he
reached for the hem of my tank top, tugging it up and over my head. I wished I
was wearing something other than my plain white bra, but Chris looked down at
me like I was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. He softly traced a
finger from the hollow of my throat, down between my breasts, to my waistband.
I shivered and felt goosebumps explode on my skin. Then his lips followed the
same path and back up. He found my lips again and I felt his hardness pressing
into my stomach. It was intoxicating to feel his desire, to know it was for me.

I reached
for his belt to undo it, but his entire body stiffened and then his hands
caught mine and lifted them over my head. His eyes held mine captive, and what
I saw made me want to cry for so many reasons. His eyes were dark, passion
blazing in them, but they were also soft as he regarded me with tenderness.
That look was my undoing, because it was such a far cry from the way every
other guy had ever looked at me. Even the other Kris and my long term high
school boyfriend who had both been sweet and tender, hadn’t looked at me like
this. All those times paled in comparison to this. They fell so short of the
way Chris made me feel. They were a rip off, a cheap imitation, and more than
ever, I wished I could take them back so I wasn’t left the realization of how
empty those moments had been.

With just a
kiss, Chris had made me feel more alive and on fire than anyone ever had. I
didn’t understand when he cursed softly under his breath and let out a heavy
sigh before gently kissing my forehead and then lifting himself off of me. He
quickly stood, rounding the coffee table and putting distance between us. I sat
up, confused, waiting for him to come back to the couch. He kept his back to me
though.

“Is
something wrong?” Had I done something wrong?

He turned
and smiled faintly, relieving some of the tension I felt. “No, sorry, I just
needed a second to pull myself together before I got carried away. I didn’t
think kissing you would be like that.”

“Like what?”
I asked nervously again.

“Like losing
myself in the sweetest melody and forgetting the rest of the world.”

I had to
bite my lip to keep my mouth from splitting into a big, silly grin. “I’ve never
been kissed like that,” I admitted. “I think I would have been okay if we had
never stopped.”

He chuckled,
“Yeah, but another ten seconds and kissing isn’t all I would have been doing to
you, Mia.”

I folded my
hands together in my lap and dropped my chin, looking up at him through my
lashes. “I think I would have been okay with that too,” I said bashfully.

He smiled
sadly and came to sit beside me, grabbing one of my fidgety hands. “I wanted to
Mia, but I never even should have kissed you.”

I frowned,
“Why? Do you regret it?”

“No, I don’t
regret kissing you Mia. I think I’ve wanted to kiss you for a very long time, and
after denying it for so long, I just couldn’t help myself after you finally
opened up to me, but I had no right to touch you. Not now.”

“What do you
mean?”

He sighed, “It
was wrong. Right now is not the time for me take anything from you.”

“Because of
what I told you?” He hesitated to answer, clearly afraid of saying the wrong
thing, but I didn’t need him to say anything for me to see it in his eyes. I
jerked my hand out of his.