Saving Ever After (Ever After #4) (12 page)

“Oh.” That
one word said a lot. It was heavy with disappointment. All the more reason for
me to go and go now. “ Sure, that’s fine. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah.
Everything is fine. Let me give you my number just in case something comes up
here though.” She held her phone out to me. I took it, entering my number and
then handed it back to her. “Okay, well goodnight Mia.”

“Night,
Chris.” I left her standing there and went to gather a few things from my room
and grab my keys.

“Be a good
girl,” I told Ivy, who was close on my heels, as I made my way out the door,
locking up behind me.

It unsettled
me just how detached I felt when I walked into Katrina’s place. Nothing about
it felt like returning home. I flicked on a light, illuminating the sleek and
elegantly decorated space.  Some of my things that I kept here were scattered
about, but I felt almost nothing for this place. No attachment or warmth. I
spent my time here because Katrina was here, but that was it. What did it say
about me and our relationship that I had no desire to move in here with her?

The thought
of it actually made panic claw at my insides a bit. I knew on some level that I
shouldn’t feel that way, and the fact that I did, said a lot more than I was
willing to accept. Excuses and reasons to justify my feelings poured forth in
my mind. We’d barely been dating six months, and with the amount each of us
traveled it felt more like half that. A lot of couples didn’t move in together
after so short of time. I cared about her, deeply. We complemented each other
and understood one another. We were both independent people and we didn’t hold
each other back in our careers. I respected and admired her greatly. Our
ambitions, drive and desires made us very compatible.

I was making
more out of this than I needed to. I was happy with Katrina.  She was good for
me. Those were all the things I needed to remember and focus on. I slipped my
phone from my pocket and sent her a quick text.

Miss you.
Hope everything is going well with the shoot. Can’t wait until you’re back.

Her reply
came only seconds later.

Miss you
too. Wish you were here. Everything is going smoothly and I’ll be home soon. Then
you can show me just how much you missed me ;)

Just reading
her words wasn’t enough to reassure my doubts or alleviate the unease in the
pit of my stomach. I needed to hear her voice. I pressed call and waited while
it rang with a Top 40 pop hit that was so overplayed I dreaded hearing it every
time I had to call her. Thankfully she answered right away.

“Hey baby.”
Her voice was smooth and silky with just a slight rasp. Katrina was all class
and sophisticated sensuality, and with two little words, she managed to
reaffirm everything I knew and had been telling myself since I left Mia. Katrina
and I were good together, she was right for me in so many ways.

“Hey,” was
all I said back, earning a soft chuckle.

“Did you
need something Chris, or did you just call to hear my voice?”

“Yeah,
actually I did.”

“Oh,” she
seemed pleasantly surprised by my admission. “Well you must really be missing
me bad then. Let’s see if I can do something to make you feel a little better,
babe. Where are you right now?”

“I’m at your
place,” I told her. Again, she seemed to take in that bit of information with
unexpected pleasure.

“What room
are you in?”

“The living
room.”

“I want you
to go to the bedroom, Chris, and I want you to take off your clothes and get on
the bed.” That rich, silky tone slid seductively through the phone and I knew
right where she was headed with this. I wasted no time in complying with her
wishes, lying back on the bed we shared, fully undressed, hoping this would
remind me of our connection and help clear my mind of all the other shit
wearing on it.

“Done, now
it’s your turn, and baby. I want you to take your time stripping off each piece
of clothing. You know how I appreciate attention to detail, so don’t leave anything
out. I want to hear it all,” I told her, trying to get into it.

She moaned
softly through the phone, “You make me so hot Chris.”

“Then take
it off, babe. I’m waiting.” My gut felt tight as the words fell from my lips,
because I knew I wasn’t feeling it as much as I should be. I exhaled a deep
breath, trying to rid myself of the turmoil and everything holding me back. She
was my girlfriend. I wanted her. I wanted this. No, I needed this.

We finished
together and then ended the call, only I didn’t feel satisfied. At all. I felt
like an asshole. The world’s biggest asshole, and liar, because when she asked
me if it was good, I said yes. It wasn’t. It was forced. It had been a struggle
to get into it. Even in the hottest moments, I was one stray thought away from
just having to fake it.

Now my
thoughts were nothing but a jumbled mess, and I felt all the doubt and unease
creeping in. How many nights had we been apart and had to settle for this long
distance connection? So many. Yet, it had never felt so lacking before. I had
never felt so lacking before.

Nothing had
changed.

Something
had changed.

Everything
had changed. I just didn’t know it yet.

Mia

When I woke Sunday
morning there was none of the anxiousness I’d woken with the day before. It
also lacked the excited anticipation that came with knowing Chris was just on
the other side of my door, because he wasn’t. He wasn’t out there plotting to
get me back for pranks pulled. Breakfast wouldn’t be waiting for me on the
counter. Spending time with him at all wasn’t something that I had to look
forward to. He’d left last night. For whatever reason.

I couldn’t
help but think that the reason was me. Sometime between our hike and him making
me dinner last night, awkward tension had slipped in and ended the easy and
comfortable interaction between us. Like a flip had been switched.

He regarded
me more carefully, hardly speaking to me through dinner and the movie. He was
more guarded than he’d been all day, closing himself off, hiding his smiles
from me, taking away his teasing and his laughter. I wanted them back. I wanted
to go back to yesterday morning and relive the day over and over so that he
couldn’t take it all away.

He had to
know. He had to have figured out what each one of those smiles did to me. How
contagious they were, the way they spread from his lips to mine. He must have
seen the way I lost myself in our conversations, snatching up every word he
spoke, every story and part of himself he shared with me, collecting all the
bits of him, hoarding them like an obsessed connoisseur. How many times had he
caught my eyes lingering on him a little too long and appreciatively? I
couldn’t stop myself if I tried, and I had tried, but around him, that was the
only way I knew how to be.

How much of
myself had I let him see in return? Too much. There wasn’t another person out
there who had witnessed the extent of my gamer nerdiness. Nobody, and I mean
nobody, knew about all the hours I spent glued to my computer screen battling
mages, or the nights after Destiny came out that I’d stayed up until three and
four o’clock in the morning until finally defeating Crota. Or the way I
followed new game releases, actually marking them on my calendar, growing giddy
with excitement as each one got closer. I’d told him all that though, and he’d
laughed, but not to make fun of me. He made me feel like my nerdy side wasn’t
just acceptable, but that it was almost charming. He was into gaming the way I
was.

I let him
see me in sweatpants and no make up for crying out loud. That was just not
something I did. I had to look and be put together at all times. Those were the
standards that had been engrained in me since childhood, and in two days he
made me feel so comfortable with him, that it was easy to say to hell with
them. He let me be me and never made me feel bad for it. He never gave me a bad
time about my laugh that was sometimes too loud, or my un-feminine like
language that came out during video games and the way I could easily get fired
up, or my occasional clumsiness, okay it was more than occasional. I kept waiting
for him to give me the pointed look I saw all too often from my mother, or for
him to roll his eyes like Leila and say, “God, Mia, you’re such a train wreck
sometimes.” He never did.

When he
left, I knew I’d done something to push him away though. He probably saw right
through me, and my attempt to make him dinner. I don’t know what I’d been
thinking, hoping to impress him and do something nice for him. Cooking was not
a skill I possessed. Find him a killer outfit to wear to rock the Grammy’s; I
could do that no problem. Kick his ass at the newest Mortal Combat; I only
needed one hand to do that. Make him an edible meal, not so much.

I needed to
stick to my strengths and stop trying to be something I wasn’t, like for
instance a girl that Christian Cross would ever be remotely interested in as
anything more than someone who could help him beat Destiny, or Skyrim, or
whatever game, in record time.

Ugh.

That thought
led me back to my current, semi-depressed state, sitting in Ace and Sadie’s
giant house, with just Ivy for company. I’d never had a pet before, but I liked
her. Mostly she just followed me around the house, lying at my feet any time I
sat down. She was such a sweet dog. I wished I could have a dog in my dorm. Her
quiet presence and the warmth of her body tucked around my feet kept back some
of the loneliness.

Two days
ago, all I had wanted was to escape to this place, to have the house to myself.
Now, being here alone was almost worse than being back at my dorm. I was more
aware than ever of my loneliness. I hadn’t even brought my computer with me,
thinking it would be a good idea to disconnect from all social media and my
online games for one weekend. I was regretting that now that I was mindlessly
watching reruns of Criminal Minds and debating whether or not I wanted to call
my sister, Caitlyn, and try to catch up with her.

Leila and I
rarely spoke, except of course when she was texting me to tell me how
embarrassed she was to be related to me. With Cait, I tried to maintain
somewhat of a relationship, but I wasn’t nearly as close to her as I was Sadie.
Leila and Cait were born with a best friend, a second half, someone to always
have their back. They came into this world as a team. Sadie was the oldest, but
despite the almost eight year gap between us, she’d been my best friend growing
up. She never treated me like the bratty baby sister. It was hard after Mom
kicked her out and during those few years I couldn’t see her.

That was
when things started deteriorating between me and Mom. I’d only just turned
eleven and suddenly I lost the only person I thought I could count on. I felt
isolated and alone at home and I blamed her, and I blamed Dad for not stopping
it. I acted out and did a lot of things I shouldn’t have, but I was a kid and I
was angry and hurt and confused. I didn’t feel like I had anyone I could trust.
Not my mom who never seemed pleased with me and made the only person I had,
leave. Not my dad who worked all the time. And not even Sadie who left. I
understood why she did, why she wouldn’t give up Clayton, but it still hurt to
have the only person I let myself depend on, leave. And not my other sisters
who picked on me and excluded me.

I understood
that their relationship was special, but that didn’t mean I’d never been
jealous of it. Or jealous of how they always seemed to have our mother’s
praise. I would never be as close with them, but they were still my sisters, so
I pulled up Cait’s number and pressed call.

“Hey, Mia,
what’s up?” Cait answered.

“Nothing
really, just haven’t talked to you in a while. I wanted to see how you and
Leila are doing.”

“Oh, you
know, we’re doing good.”

“That’s
good. How’s work? Dad said things have been kind of crazy on his level, have
you guys had to work crazy hours too?” Cait and Leila had forgone the college
route, jumping right into the workforce at Dad’s company in marketing, doing ad
design and such. From everything I’d heard Dad say, they were quickly working
their way up through the ranks. It seemed I was the only Pierce who didn’t know
where I fit in.

“Work is
great. It has been a little hectic, but not so much that we couldn’t take a few
days off this weekend to fly out to New York,” Cait chirped and I wondered how
she and Leila ever accomplished anything when it seemed that they were always
jetting off on mini vacations.

“You’re in
New York? You guys should come up to Boston if you have time before you head
back to Seattle,” I suggested.

“Oh yeah,
maybe. Just a second Mia,” she said and then her voice became somewhat muffled
as if she’d covered it with her hand or pulled it away from her face, but I
could still make out the words she spoke. “Hey Leila, what time did Mom say to
meet her at the restaurant? Okay, then we’d better finish up here and get
going. I still want to try on the red dress. Then I’ll be ready.” Her voice
came back through the phone clearly. “Hey Mia, I’m actually in the middle of
something right now, so I have to go, but I’ll talk to Leila and –”

“You’re with
Mom?”

“Yeah. The
trip was her idea. She wanted to do a little shopping and have a girls’
weekend. We had to indulge her, you know. Since the divorce and everything,
she’s been determined not to let it get her down, but like I said, I’ve got to
go. Maybe we’ll see you later. Hope school is going well. Talk to you soon.”
She ended the call and I set my phone down beside me, trying to swallow back
the hurt.

I guess Mom
wasn’t too busy for a trip. She was just too busy for a trip to see me. Not
even Cait or Leila had thought to invite me to join them for the weekend. It
wasn’t like New York was that far. They knew family weekend was this weekend.
Fuck, why did it sting so much? It wasn’t like I was surprised, or that I even
really wanted to be in New York shopping and dining out with them. Okay, maybe
I did a little. I hated the way the jealousy churned in my stomach, and the
last thing I wanted to do was sit around this place with only it to keep me
company. I was better off going back to campus.

I went to my
room and packed the few things I’d brought with me, taking just a second to send
a quick text to Chris to let him know I was taking off. It would be safe for
him to return without my presence here to deter him. I promised myself I
wouldn’t waste another second dwelling on him or Leila or Cait or my Mom. I
didn’t need anything from them. I especially didn’t need Chris making me feel
like I was somebody to him, only to rip that feeling away. I was just fine on
my own. Even if Leland was a stupid ass face, I still had friends back at
school. It was easier to be their Mia, to be fake Mia, than to let somebody see
the real me and be rejected.

I texted
Jillian before I was even out of the driveway to see if there was anything fun
going on tonight. I doubted it since it was Sunday, but if anyone could find a
party, it was Jillian. She came through for me just a couple minutes later
saying she knew of a party going on. I informed her that I was about twenty
minutes away and then I would be ready to party all night. She sent back an all
caps, “
WOOHOO!”

In true
Jillian fashion, I wasn’t in my room thirty seconds before she was pounding on
the door and then pushing her way inside with Heidi and Dawn in tow. “Where the
hell you been all weekend?” she asked, throwing herself down on my bed.

“I was dog
and house sitting for my sister while she was out of town with her fiancé.”

“Ooh, why
didn’t you say so? We could have kept you company and had our own little get
together.” By get together, she meant party, but there was no way in hell I
would ever throw a party at Ace’s house, or even invite them over.

“Sorry, I
couldn’t. One of their roommates was in and out all weekend, so we would have
been busted. Maybe next time they go out of town,” I lied.

“Okay, well
get your ass into something sexy so we can head over to Marshall’s.”

“Who’s
Marshall?” I asked. The name was unfamiliar so I didn’t think I’d met him,
unless I’d just been too drunk to remember.

“His parents
are friends of my parents, so we kind of grew up in the same circles. He can be
a pompous douchebag sometimes, but he throws good parties and we occasionally
hook up.”

I didn’t
understand how she could be so blasé about hooking up with someone she just
admitted to thinking was a douchebag, but if there was one thing I’d learned
about Jillian and Heidi and Dawn in the past month and a half, it was that they
had even fewer limits than I did. They were unapologetically brazen. They came
from money, not Pierce kind of money, but still money, and they loved to party.
And they loved guys. Shallow, maybe, fun, yes, and it was easy to keep things
surface level with them.

My life
would be so much better if I could learn to be more like them. Bold. Unashamed
and carefree. It was so much easier than trying to please everyone and be what
everyone wanted me to be. And it was better than trying to show people the real
me and realizing it would never be enough for them. The real me didn’t have a
place in Jillian’s world. I didn’t really enjoy the parties. I hated who I was
when I drank, but that was what these girls expected, what my friends in high
school had expected, and even if I had to be something I wasn’t, it was better
than being me, all by myself. So I would put on my party girl mask, and be that
girl, because she was liked and she was fun.

I changed
out of the yoga pants and sweatshirt I had on, and into a pair of skintight
jeans and a sexy top, slipping my feet into a gorgeous pair of black, crystal
covered Louboutins. Sexy shoes made me feel almost as good as sexy lingerie.
There wasn’t much a woman couldn’t accomplish with sexy underwear and sassy
heels.

“Are Leland
and Derek going to be there?” I asked as an afterthought as we made our way out
of my room.

“Yeah, why?
You’ve totally got the hots for Leland don’t you?” Jillian jumped all over me.
“There was some serious sexual tension between you guys last weekend.” Actually
there wasn’t much of anything between us last weekend. Not clothing anyway.

“I’d stay away
from him if I were you,” Heidi added.

“Why?” It
was a little too late for that, I thought. Although, since it happened we’d
both been doing an excellent job of staying away from each other.