Save Me (3 page)

Seeing such a naturally beautiful woman on that worn, dirty couch, partially black and blue, swollen from a man’s fists, had rocked Claus back on his heels. It was hardly the first abused woman he’d ever see. It hadn’t even been the first woman he’d freed from an abusive relationship. But she was the only woman since his mother and sister he’d wanted to care for—to save. He didn’t understand the immediate, fierce attraction, but he didn’t feel the need to understand it. It felt right. Real.

“Sleep.” This was not the right time for such conversions. He wasn’t prepared, which meant he would probably say the wrong things. Besides, he had a plan. Sort of. “Later. I’ll show you.”

Of course that probably made no sense to her. The sad truth was, he had no words to tell her what he really needed to, so he would have to show her. Before he could even attempt to move toward any kind of relationship, she had to know who he really was, where he came from. Only then could she make an informed decision. Claus didn’t want to protect her from the truth of who and what he was; he wanted her acceptance, because he would never be anything other than what and who he was. After she’d finally escaped the world of shadows, constantly on the wrong side of the law, she might reject his darkness outright. It was a terrifying proposition, but he owed her that much.

Yes, Claus wanted Alicia so bad even his bones ached with longing. But he needed her to choose him with eyes wide open. There would be no secrets between them, and when she was ready, she would take her place in his business affairs, she would decide where they would live, and how they would live. All the choices that had been taken from her for so many years would be hers to make. He wanted her involved in every part of his existence, but only by her will.

Because if she did decide to stay with him, in whatever way, he was never letting her go,

Never.

The difference between East and West Germany was somewhat shocking to Alicia. Not that she’d had any expectations; the extent of her travel previous to meeting Claus had been nearly non-existent. Her life had been rather isolated, with few tidbits of news filtering into the opulent and garish cages she’d lived in her entire adult life. Still, it had been years since the fall of the Berlin Wall. The Germans on both sides were essentially the same people, but there were enough subtle differences obvious to even a first-time visitor. For one thing, while they’d arrived and settled into their hotel in West Berlin, people didn’t bat an eyelash at her. Here in East Berlin, she sometimes felt as if she were on display with the way some people openly gawked. Or perhaps it was the fact she was accompanied by a very large, very dangerous looking white man…and his entourage of three stone-faced bodyguards. While on one level the guards creeped her out a little, she was increasingly glad Claus had thought of having them. Not that anyone would dare say anything, but just in case. Some of the curious looks were just that—curiosity. Others were downright hostile. The overall feel of just walking down the street made her more than a little uncomfortable. As much as she tried to hide her reaction, she knew Claus felt it because he placed a protective arm around her smaller frame, his face a picture of thunderous warning. God, it felt good to have him by her side. Her crutch.

“I should’ve gotten a car,” Claus groused low as they made their way past a cluster of loitering teens. If they weren’t skinheads, they were doing a damn good impression. Alicia was more than a little taken aback by that. She’d never considered there might be skinheads outside the States. Claus looked for moment as if he wanted to say something, but he didn’t. His frown just became harsher as he quickly hustled her past. The kids were speaking in German so she had no idea what they were saying, but one of the guards stopped and said something low in the same language, which seemed to shut them up.

It was all rather bizarre, but rather than dwell, Alicia concentrated on the buildings they were passing. The architecture was a mixture of 1960s utilitarianism and modern sleek. As the area became more obviously economically depressed, the older the buildings seemed to be. Not exactly in disrepair, but worn. Claus’ gait slowed as they entered an area comprised completely of older building and loitering small groups. For some reason, Alicia was drawn to graffiti on the side of the wall of one building. It looked…angry. For reasons she couldn’t even begin to explain, the words made her extremely uncomfortable.

“Nothing will happen to you. I will always protect you,” Claus growled at the graffiti, then seemed to collect himself as his gaze turned towards her. “No one will dare harm you. I swear it.”

Odd thing to say, but it was a relief nonetheless. The words on the side of the building pissed him off—a lot. An uncharacteristic bloom of color stole across his cheeks, and his pale blue eyes gleamed with emotion she wasn’t used to seeing. In fact, the only times she’d ever seen Claus angry was when he allowed his thoughts to drift back to how he’d found her. It was weird, but she knew him better than she knew any other man in her life she’d been intimate with. Both of them, if she didn’t count the first, and she made it a policy to
never
count the first.

Simply nodding because she had no idea what else to do, she followed his lead and he tucked her back into his side and proceeded to the tall building on the corner. There he stopped, looking up with so much misery on his face, Alicia felt the urge to cry. Why had he been so adamant about coming here if it only brought him pain? Whatever he was about to say, she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear it.

“Here—this building was where I was born.” His voice sounded gruffer than usual, full of all the anger and pain she knew so well when she herself was growing up. Life just sucked for some kids.

Not speaking, she waited, her mouth too dry for words, her throat constricted with emotions too raw. Anything she said would be seen as pity. So many of the people she’d known had come up the hard way, which was to say they’d all had shitty childhoods. The theme was so common for those who lived in the shadows, it was expected. Not once had she ever thought to pity someone else, whatever they’d gone through. But they hadn’t been Claus. Her hero, the man who had saved her in more ways than one. Who had saved him, she wondered.

As she waited for him to say more, her heart beat painfully, almost like it was pounding against her ribs. Sucking in enough chilly air to breathe properly took some doing. Every ounce of her wanted to reject the wretched despair of this place, just for what it represented to him. The plain, nondescript building had age-discolored windows and water stains running down the sides. It looked more like an abandoned institution than housing, yet there were people coming and going out of the front glass doors. Not a lot, but a few. At least she’d had decent living conditions after Grgur “acquired” her at seventeen. She and her daughter Deja had never lived in squalor. It was her one accomplishment, she supposed. Not honorably achieved in most people’s eyes, but achieved no matter what.

As for herself—well, Alicia had been raised in a different kind of poverty until she was thirteen. Rural poverty. Different, yes, but the effects were very much the same.

“My mother ran the women on the bottom floor. It was where all the whores lived. Dieter’s mother was one of them, but not for long. She’d been a silly girl who’d run away from her home in the country to this.” His snort held no true laughter. Every word was laced with scorn for the female who had been her son-in-law’s mother. “My mother used to laugh at her naivete. She was a hard woman, my mother. Born and raised here herself. Dieter’s mother was dead by the time he was six; used up and thrown out like trash. My mother would’ve sent him to an orphanage, but I helped him hide. The children that were sent to orphanages…it didn’t go well for them. More than a few never made it out from behind those locked doors. I made sure he got food, had a safe place to sleep. He brought me information. Together, we began to build what would become our empire. It started with information, then running contraband. Dieter was so small, and there was space in the walls, passages only someone so small could get through.”

Although there was a sad smile on his face, Alicia could feel the fury rolling off his big body in waves. Hate was perhaps too mild a word to describe how he felt about this place that had once been his home. And shame. There was shame in his eyes, which just pissed Alicia off. Claus had no reason to feel ashamed for surviving. No, for thriving in spite of the shitty hand fate had dealt him. Yet she knew all about that helpless anger and shame because she too had walked in those shoes.

“You don’t have to tell me more.” Placing her palm against his chest, she pushed herself up onto her toes, brushing her lips softly against his. The act was completely spontaneous, done before she could think about it. “It doesn’t matter to me where you come from. I accept you as is.” Because the man he had become was simply beautiful, rock-hard shell and all.

Before she could blink, Claus had crushed her against him, looking down at her with so many emotions swimming in his eyes that for a brief second, she thought she might get swept away in the storm that was Claus Littman.

“If you choose me, it will be with your eyes wide open. You will know who I am, who I was. All of it. Let me do this,
mein schatz
. I need to.”

No way she could refuse such a heartfelt request. There was such desperation in his gaze, she would have done just about anything to calm him.

“Go on.” Even though it was going to hurt to hear it, for him she would.

Honestly, Alicia could’ve pieced together his story. At one time, both he and Dieter had to have been pretty violent. Grgur had damn near pissed himself when he’d heard Deja had been rescued by Dieter von Blucher. When Claus had accompanied Dieter to the warehouse that fateful day, Grgur
had
pissed himself when he’d recognized Claus. Alicia liked to believe Grgur knew he was about to die. At least then he would know some of the fear his victims felt.

The life that Claus had once lived was etched in the lines on his face, frozen forever behind the usual ice of his eyes. Alicia was well aware of what kind of man she’d fallen for. But unlike every other man in her past, Claus would never hurt her, never desert her, and would always protect her. Whatever he’d done in the past, whatever he was doing now didn’t matter. She would have him no other way. No one else could possibly understand her. Claus was perfect for her, but he was perfect because of all his imperfections, not in spite of them.

There was no fighting this. But then, Claus was fast losing the will to fight it. All he’d planned on doing was showing Alicia the man he’d carefully hidden behind a wall of ice for so very long. How could he have known she’d already seen him, who he really was? The rest of the sightseeing trip into East Berlin was just that—sightseeing. It had been a nostalgic turn down memory lane for him, but it hadn’t given her much more insight than she already had. He could tell. The way she looked at him spoke volumes. She didn’t need to see any of it, and she needed to know even less.

He felt like a fool for even trying to push her away with his past. And cowardly. There was no shock in hearing the thug kid he’d once been. Not for her. The reaction to his former antics ranged from sad smiles to honest giggles. Not one gasp of shock or look of disbelief. What had he expected? She already knew he was a killer—he’d murdered a man the first time he’d met her. Yes, it had been her tormentor, and in essence he had killed for her. Still, most women loved the idea of a bad man, not the reality. Alicia had already accepted him for who and what he was.

Even now, he was mentally trying to convince himself the last thing she needed was a man like him in her life after all she’d been through. But he was lying to himself, and only drawing out the inevitable. All the bullshit he had told himself about her only clinging to him because of all she’d been through seemed so weak as an argument to stay away. Time, space and solitude had gone a long way toward Alicia coming to terms with herself. And now he was left with only his own demons to battle.

Watching her on the ride back to the hotel, he began to notice the subtle changes in her. When had her little chin gotten so firm? A stubbornness, probably long suppressed, began to be evident in her jawline. That was sexy in a woman, as long as it was coupled with intelligence, which shined in her eyes in abundance. The way she sat, how she moved, all indicated a spine that stood a little straighter than it had when he’d first met her. Back in the early days, she’d always seemed to curl into herself, whether sitting or standing. She didn’t do that anymore. The innate backbone of a strong-willed soul had taken the place of the watchful introvert. The butterfly emerging from the cocoon of a battered woman was something to behold indeed. And she seemed to want him. It was baffling.

Still, was she really able to say that she wanted him? Life was just beginning to open up for her. It was time to move on from their isolated cottage. Let her dip her toe in the many things the world had to offer. Maybe encourage her to date…

No. Just fucking no.

“I have business in Paris,” he announced to get his mind off the disturbing trajectory it had just taken. Concrete information had just been confirmed regarding the identity of the dog Petric had planned to sell Deja to. It was past time he took care of that, not only for Dieter, but for Alicia’s peace of mind.

“Oh?” She raised a brow at him with an expectant look.

“I have information about the man Petric was dealing with. I will deal with him.”

Before, she would’ve left it at that. Generally he tried not to make declarative statements like that because he wanted her to feel free to express herself. He had no idea why he just made one now. But he did know the Alicia of two years ago, even the one of a year ago, would’ve left it at that. She’d silently fret, wanting to do something more than nod, but she wouldn’t have said anything. That wasn’t the woman he was dealing with now.

“I’ll come with you,” she shocked him by announcing unequivocally.

Actually, he really was going to suggest she take the trip to Paris with him, but not to confront the man who’d paid to have her daughter raised to be his perfect wife. Just to see the city—what woman didn’t want to see Paris? The very last thing he’d expected was for her to jump at the chance to go. Especially not after the way she’d wanted to get out of New York. And Claus had a feeling she wasn’t referring to just the trip to Paris.

“Of course,” he managed to respond smoothly even though his stomach was twisting in knots. “I was going to request that you accompany me.”

Alicia nodded as if the entire thing was a done deal, her body relaxing into her seat once more. What the hell had he just done? Nadir de Choiseul, fifteenth Duc de Choiseul, was not a man Claus ever wanted Alicia dealing with. The man walked deep in the shadows, but had been born with a cloak of respectability so dense nothing could pierce it. As a result, he conducted his business ruthlessly on both sides of the law, and answered to no one. While Claus and Dieter had built an empire, scraping it from nothing, Nadir had been born one of the few crown princes of the world, raised to hold power as his birthright.

If Claus were to balk now, he would make a lie out of everything he’d ever told himself he wanted for Alicia. One, that she stand proudly making her own choices, her own decisions, taking full charge of her life. And two, that she understand who he really was and what she would be getting if—no, when—she got involved with him. Hell, up until this trip he had still made almost every decision for her. Yes, she had financial security now, but she didn’t know that. He’d forgotten to inform her of the accounts both Dieter and he had set up for her. Dieter out of familial responsibility and Claus because—well, because he couldn’t stand the thought of some other man providing for her in any way. Perverse as hell, but it was the simple truth.

All the things he had ever said while rationalizing their weird relationship up until now had been a passel of half-truths and bullshit to get him through the night. And it was smacking him square in the face now. Yes, he wanted her to take control, except for when he didn’t. There was no way he could say no to her confronting Nadir with him. Not if he really wanted her to be the master of her own destiny. He would be there to protect her, of course, but shit, the situation was not going to be easy. It could go very wrong very quickly.

Maybe he could start small, like shopping, perhaps. Everything she had on now was something he had chosen for her. Everything she owned by way of clothing or toiletries were things he had picked out somewhat blindly. Not once had she complained or expressed distaste, but everything she owned was of a conservative nature. All of it had been bought with the goal of trying to keep his mind off what lay underneath those layers. God, picking out underwear alone had him breaking out in a cold sweat, so he’d kept it as simple as possible. From what he understood about women, which wasn’t much at all, they liked pretty, frilly things. She didn’t have any of that in her wardrobe. Collecting any article of clothing she’d had while with Grgur was a non-starter. Maybe they could start here; letting her pick out her own things. Besides, he found he was burning with curiosity to see what she would pick out for herself now she was coming into her own.

Anything at all was better than thinking of taking her with him when he went to see Nadir. Perhaps he could even find a way out of it while observing her.

“Tomorrow we will shop for you,
ja
?” he heard himself blurt out with awkward enthusiasm. There had to be a more eloquent way to say that, but he couldn’t think of it. Anything beyond barking out orders or succinct, to-the-point statements of facts seemed odd to him, so he was used to keeping silent for the most part. But with Alicia, it felt so very wrong to engage in stilted conversations. There seemed to be a lot of words missing from his vocabulary he desperately wanted to find when he spoke to her. “That is, if that would please you.”

That was bad. All of it sounded wrong. But of course she responded the exact opposite from what he thought she might. Instead of looking at him like he was some strange oaf, she giggled at his discomfort. He knew she was giggling at how out of his depth he was by the way she was looking at him. Spending two years in a confined spaced allowed a man to really get to know a person.

“Wouldn’t Paris be a better choice for a shopping spree?” She actually poked him with her dainty little finger as she laughed. And damn, he should’ve known that. His face grew unbearably hot, which made her giggle even harder.

Strange how her merriment at his expense didn’t piss him off, but instead warmed him down his bones. After all, he was being something of a clod. A smile tugged at his own lips in the face of her very real glee
[KK1]
 
. And as usual, she seemed to sense the chagrin he felt at not thinking of shopping in Paris rather than Berlin.

“Claus, it’s okay,” she managed to compose herself enough to choke out between peals of laughter. “Really, I’ve always wanted to shop in all the world’s great capitals. It will be fun. Well, for me.”

It would? Not once had she given any indication she wanted to shop, or do anything else. How long had she wanted to get out of the cabin? Why had he assumed that because she hadn’t wanted to go to New York, she hadn’t wanted to go anywhere? He was just an idiot! New York held nothing but bad memories for her. Why hadn’t he thought of travel before now?

“Why didn’t you say anything?” he blurted out, completely flummoxed. “If you wanted to go somewhere, I would’ve taken you. You didn’t have to stay in the cabin all the time. I thought you wanted to be there.”

“Oh, Claus, don’t you think you’ve done more than enough for me already?” The gentle smile coupled with the sadness in her deep brown gaze broke him down. God, he hated to see her sadness. It hurt. “I didn’t want to go anywhere; didn’t even think about it. But thinking of asking you to take me shopping never crossed my mind. You’ve given me enough, don’t you think?”

“No.” Not nearly enough. If he could slay the demons that lived inside her head, he would. There was no such thing as doing enough.

So if Alicia wanted to shop in every capital in the world, he would make sure that happened. As many as possible without placing her in unnecessary danger, anyway. He had to learn to start reading between the lines better. This whole trying to figure out women thing was frustrating as hell.

***

It was incredibly cruel to tease Claus. Well, maybe just a little cruel. God, but it felt wondrous to try on pretty things she got to choose without anyone’s input. Things that caught her eye just because. There was something freeing about flipping through garments, choosing what to try on with zero thought as to the likes of anyone else.

At the beginning of their little shopping trip, she’d asked for Claus’ opinion already knowing exactly what she was going to get—a shrug and a hopelessly lost look. The only thing he insisted on was that she not look at price tags. It was such a force of habit, he literally ripped some of the tags off because she kept doing it.

Just to get back at him a little, she decided to try on as many things as caught her interest just to gauge his reaction. She carefully selected soft, feminine things that, while not overtly sexy, were all sensuously seductive in an understated way. No more gaudy, tight-fitting, clingy clothing meant for twenty-somethings for her. With expertise that came from years of longingly reading through fashion magazines, Alicia chose silk, linens, and soft cottons that flowed around her curves, only clinging here and there. Some of the
décolletages were a tad daring, but hey, she had passed twenty-one twenty years prior. Besides, those scraps of clothing were the best to watch Claus react to.

She could tell he was trying hard to appear unaffected, yet his eyes ate her up whenever she tried something on that clung a little or dipped a little low at the neckline. When he didn’t care for something his brow would furrow before he caught himself and evened out his expression. It was fun to see what he thought about her choices. He may not have said a word, but his reactions were all she needed. One dress, white strappy silk  that seemed to hug her backside and hips as well as her breasts, with an extremely low back actually made him choke. His eyes ate her alive, making her feel more attractive than she could ever imagine being.

And God, that dress, one of the last things she tried on, made her feel more than just attractive. The crotch of his pants actually moved when she walked out of the dressing room, the sales attendant flitting about oohing and ahhing over the fit. Claus tried to hide the evidence of exactly what he thought of the dress, but there was nothing he could do to take away from the sight of that protuberant erection straining his slacks.

As a result, Alicia found her own body heating from the burning look in his eyes. Power in the knowledge that she was the one doing that to him, making him hard, making him feel need, flooded her senses. The sizzling connection between them became almost like a living thing in the room. The shop girls seemed nervous, edging away from the smoldering looks; Alicia’s from under her lashes, peeks from the corner of her eye. Claus was not so subtle. Giving up even trying to pretend he was uninterested, his ice-blue gaze seared her where she stood. Her pussy ached, warm, moist and heavy. God, how could a pussy feel heavy?