Save Me (2 page)

One thing was for sure—he had experience caring for someone, quite probably a woman. The way he sensed her needs, the way he thought about the little things most men just didn’t think about. Not that she had much experience with the type of man Claus was. Women were precious to him; it was evident in all he did for her.

Where had he gotten the two-inch scar on the right side of his face, she wondered. Before she knew what she was doing, she reached out to trace her finger along that scar.

“It’s from a fight. I was sixteen, maybe seventeen,” he surprised her by saying, his eyes burning a hole right down to her soul, all without missing a step as he strode to the cottage. “Men came for Dieter. Members of the Stasi, men who liked boys. I wouldn’t allow them to take him. The next day, they came for me, to teach me a lesson. Dieter—he returned the favor, but we both came away with scars.”

Wow. Alicia’s heart stuttered, imagining the kind of hell they had to have gone through. She was speechless as he carried her into the cottage, tucking her under a blanket by the sofa near the fireplace before going into the kitchen. Hearing him move around, opening cabinets and drawers, was comforting. Closing her eyes, she allowed the peace to settle into her, willing away her wayward thoughts. Perhaps now wasn’t the time for deep conversation. She really needed to figure out what she wanted, what she was prepared to give and what she wasn’t. It just wasn’t fair to him any other way.

But soon Claus was handing her a steaming mug of hot chocolate, then settling next to her before effortlessly lifting her into his lap. It was wrong to take this kind of solace from him, but that didn’t stop her from settling in deeper, laying her head against his chest.

“You should never be afraid to ask me whatever you wish, Alicia.”

She didn’t know what was better—the way his chest rumbled under her cheek as he spoke, or the smooth baritone of his voice. Her name sounded like a song on his lips. Silly thoughts, but better than concentrating on what he was saying. Knowing she didn’t have to be skittish and actually not being afraid were two totally separate things. A lifetime of conditioning made her tongue too heavy to move properly to ask all the things she really wanted to know.

Perhaps he felt her fear because he sighed, his chest moving under her cheek. Alicia pressed her face against him, determined to beat back the fear she no longer wanted. It had no place in her life now. Claus might be built like a bear, large and imposing, but he was so eminently snuggleable. A big teddy bear was what he was to her. She couldn’t allow her past to interfere with the safety she’d found in his arms. And she wasn’t about to let him get away if she could help it. If he wanted her.

“I tried to take care of my mother and sister, and even Dieter as best I could when I was younger,” he continued, possibly because she’d said nothing. “I’m forty-three. I grew up in East Berlin under Soviet rule. Both my mother and my sister were prostitutes. Their main clientele were Russian soldiers who were never…gentle.”

Alicia’s heart constricted, feeling deeply for the boy Claus had once been. In her life she’d been at the mercy of monsters, sold by one careless fool to a heartless beast. She couldn’t imagine having to sell herself to a multitude of Grgurs.

“Claus, you don’t have to tell me this.” For one thing, she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear it. The passage of time and Claus’ gentleness had healed her somewhat, but her past was never far from the surface. Listening to someone else’s nightmare sent all those horrible memories rushing back. As much as she didn’t want to hear it, she didn’t try to stop him. For the first time she could clearly see emotions from him; she could feel his pain. This was what she’d wanted all along—for him to let her in, even though it was breaking her heart.

“Then ask me what you want to know,
Schatzi
,” Claus responded gravely, lifting her chin with his finger so she was forced to look into his face.

Oh, God, that look! No one had ever looked at her with such tenderness, such longing. Everything she’d wanted to know was right there in his eyes, bared naked for her to see. He looked at her as if she were someone special, precious even. And he was in pain. She was no young girl; she’d seen that look in others as they focused on the one thing they desired more than anything else. But, never had that look been toward her. All this wasn’t simply because he had chosen to save her on a whim. He cared. Deeply.

Why? How? Yes, she had wanted to know, wanted this, but she couldn’t imagine for the life of her what he could see in the broken woman she had been, and in some ways, still was. Maybe she reminded him of his mother or sister. Maybe he couldn’t save them, so he was determined to transfer those feelings, the care he had for them, to her.

“Why me?” She had to know. As much as she wanted Claus to want her, she didn’t want to be some kind of surrogate for the family he’d lost.

“I’ve seen a lot of things. Things worse than the way I grew up, worse than your life before. And I have done a lot of ugly things, Alicia. I’m the farthest from an angel you can get.” Not once did he blink as he spoke, keeping constant eye contact. Every word might have been heavily accented, but they were clear and concise. “I didn’t save you because I felt sorry for you. You’re not the first woman in a bad situation I’ve ever witnessed. In the past, I have walked away because it was none of my business. But you—there was something about you that called to me. From the moment I first saw you, I knew I had to protect you. I needed you as much as you needed me. Maybe more.”

Wow.

He let her face go as soon as he’d finished, so Alicia simply laid her head back against his chest.

She still had questions, but for now, that would do.

There was no doubt Alicia had questions; Claus couldn’t fault her for that. Every time those rich, warm brown eyes looked at him he could see the questions swirling around those deep depths. Questions she never dared ask. Then there was the hero worship that was never far from the surface. The last thing he wanted was for her to consider him a hero. The last thing in the world he deserved was to be admired by this woman. It was she who was the hero—a survivor who had sacrificed everything she had, everything she was, for her child. Deep down, he was still the bastard son of a woman who had been forced to sell herself; he doubted his mother even knew who his father was. Alicia was still pure in a way. Her life hadn’t changed the person inside.

Claus was all too aware of all the things he’d done to get to where he was today. While he couldn’t allow it to bother him, he could never forget. Today he was no longer a criminal, but that was how he and Dieter had created the empire that began in desolate poverty. Out of the ashes of the former Soviet Union, the two had lied, cheated, stolen and so much more that was far, far worse than Alicia could imagine. Now he was the co-owner of one of Europe’s largest shipping companies, as well as a significant stockholder in various other enterprises Dieter had spun into legitimacy from their less savory beginnings. While he and Dieter still had their fingers in the darker underbelly of business, on the surface they were more than respectable—they were admired. But Claus knew who was staring back at him when he looked in the mirror. The trappings of wealth and prestige meant nothing.

In short, he wasn’t good enough for Alicia. But that didn’t stop his yearning. It hadn’t stopped him from taking her away from the place that had caused her so much sorrow. Nor had it stopped him from creating a fairy tale existence, hoping she could heal. It certainly didn’t stop him from longing for her smile, her touch, needing her the same way he needed oxygen or sun. The woman was precious to him, completely unique and rare. He’d sell his soul if only he could get her to love him.

What he wouldn’t do was lie to her. He couldn’t pretend to be something he was not. There had been little choice in her life up to now; he was determined in this she would have the ultimate say—the only say. Whatever she wished, he would do, as long as she didn’t banish him from her life altogether. But she deserved to know who it was he was offering to her. All of it. And who he was wasn’t pretty, and never would be.

Deciding how to explain to her in a way that would truly get her to see him had taken most of the night. By the first rays of morning, he’d come across the only solution he could think of. Take her back to the beginning. Then perhaps he could find the words to tell her all the things he wanted her to know.

“I’d like to take you to Germany,” he mentioned casually as he brought Alicia her breakfast tray. Generally she chided him for doing it, but it hadn’t stopped him in the two years they’d hidden away here in the cottage. “I want to show you where I grew up.”

He’d waited until she’d taken her first bite of croissant before he spoke, just because he wasn’t sure how she’d take news of the sudden trip. In his entire life, Claus could only recall being this scared when he’d been too young to fight against the forces that threatened him. From about the age of thirteen, fear had been a luxury he couldn’t afford. Living that way for so long had made being frightened a foreign entity. However, when it came to Alicia, sometimes it was all he felt and that caused pain to flare in his gut whenever he considered the woman in front of him. Fear she would reject him, fear she would finally decide she was well enough to leave him. This tiny slip of a woman brought back all the insecurities, wants and dreams he’d thought he’d left behind in childhood. It had taken a long time to get her to come out of the shell she’d hidden behind for so long. What if once she finally emerged, realizing she was well and truly free, she fled the safe cocoon he’d created for them both?

As selfish as it was, he wasn’t sure he could let her go. Sure, he would watch her leave, not daring to try to stop her if that was her choice. But he would always be there, watching and waiting in the shadows. The thought of leaving her alone out there in the world was untenable. God, he hoped like hell it wouldn’t come to that, him lurking in the shadows while she lived her life. But then again, perhaps that was where he belonged. It was where he’d lived for so long, he wasn’t sure he knew how to step out into the light.

“Okay.”

It was said so calmly, with such acceptance, as if he had said they would have soup for lunch, that Claus was taken aback.

“Okay?” Why wasn’t she asking questions? There had to be plenty of them swirling around in her head. Curiosity had been evident in her eyes for a while now, only today he couldn’t find any of it. “Just okay? You don’t want to know more?”

A quick shake of her head made her hair fall into her face, covering her eyes. As a reflex, he reached out and pushed it back. With the light streaming in from the windows, she looked like an angel dressed in a white nightgown, propped up against her pillows, daintily pecking at her food. The sun brought out the golden-reddish highlights of her smooth, dark skin. If one didn’t know better, they would think her Deja’s sister, not the mother. Although he knew she had been young when she had her daughter, it wasn’t something he’d ever wanted to bring up. He’d always figured she’d tell him as much as she wanted him to know whenever she was ready.

Truthfully he was way out of his depth with Alicia. The women he generally dealt with were hustlers, hardened survivors. Yes, she was a survivor in her own right, but she’d kept her soul intact by some miraculous twist of fate. It was extremely rare to live the life she’d lived and come out a whole person. How could she have kept that elusive inner light for over twenty years of living with a base animal who tried to break her body as well as her spirit?

Now she almost glowed, so beautiful it hurt sometimes to watch her. Then he noticed her eyes. Dark smudges gave proof she hadn’t slept last night. Possibly a return of the nightmares that had plagued her when he’d first brought her here. The first few months, Claus never left her alone at night. The dreams had made her scream out, left her violently shaking, unable to rest. A lump formed in the pit of his gut at the thought they had returned. Maybe the skirting around the issue of a relationship had done this.

“You aren’t sleeping.” It wasn’t a question because there was no doubt, but he hadn’t meant for it to sound like an accusation. “Why didn’t you call for me?”

Moving the breakfast tray off her lap and placing it on the bedside table, he kicked off his shoes and climbed in without a thought, pulling her into his arms. The reasons why she’d decided not to tell him about her insomnia really didn’t matter. He knew when he held her, she slept like a baby. For three months straight he had held her, getting very little rest himself. It seemed to be the only way she’d been able to get a full night’s sleep.

To his shame, he’d been relieved when Alicia hadn’t needed to be held to sleep anymore. Night after night he had lain immobile, afraid to move lest he wake her, praying she wouldn’t move into a position where she could feel the erection painfully throbbing in his pants. The more she healed, the more hellish it was to lie there, holding her, wanting her so bad it was like a flesh wound that wouldn’t mend. Not being able to express the way she made him feel inside, the way she made him desperately wish he were a better man, had been so much worse when every moment was spent in her presence. The nights stretched unbearably long, but for her he had done it without complaint. But after she had been abused for so long, there was just no way he could come on to her. Not the way he wanted to.

And God knows he wanted her.

“Are you finally going to give me a chance to speak?” Alicia asked as soon as he was settled, her voice muffled against his chest. Oh, well; he could understand her, and he wasn’t about to let her go. “And I’m fine. I just…wake up sometimes.”

Bullshit. Claus remembered all too well how Alicia looked when the demons of her past came for her at night. He had allowed himself to be lulled into believing she had moved past being haunted by whatever she’d gone through when he should’ve made sure to keep checking on her.

“The nightmares are back.” There was no need to ask. Claus had no doubt. If Grgur hadn’t already been dead, he’d kill him. The urge to dig the bastard up just to pulverize his corpse was strong. “The bastard haunts you still.” He hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

Hopelessness wasn’t a feeling Claus was familiar with. If a problem couldn’t be solved with his fist, a well-aimed bullet, or sound strategic thinking he was completely out of his depth. How could he fight a ghost?

“It’s not just about Grgur.” Her voice sounded so small, so lost. He hated that. Especially as he had no idea how to fix it.

“Tell me,” he insisted, even knowing there was probably nothing he could do. He had thought they were over this. That she was at least healed enough he might be able to move forward just a little. “I will help you however I can.” All he wanted to do for the rest of his life was help her move past this, perhaps move towards him. Even if she could never be his, he would always be hers in some way. Never would he fail to protect her.

“I’ve been…worried.”

There was a catch in her voice before she moved to bury her face in his chest. For a second he could have sworn she inhaled, deeply, before placing her cheek against him once more. His heart thudded so hard in his chest he could swear she heard it, but she gave no indication that was the case. Waiting, he barely dared to breathe, silently willing her to continue.

“What will I do when you decide it’s time for you to move on?” she finally whispered brokenly. “I’ve depended on you for so long, I don’t know how I will function.” Claus felt as if his heart were shattering with that statement. Didn’t she realize he was never leaving her? Not willingly. Not unless she demanded it. “It’s silly, because you’ve given me so much. I’m not scared of being on my own. Not exactly. I just don’t want to.”

Didn’t she realize there was no moving on for him? Since bringing Alicia here with him, he’d taken steps away from the frontline of the business he’d built with Dieter. Building a complicated system of checks and balances had been difficult from afar, but it allowed him to run things for the only man he’d ever trusted without being next to him every day. Because he was a naturally suspicious bastard at the best of times, he had spies spying on his spies. Invasive background checks were carried out continuously but sporadically on every person in a management position, randomly on everyone else. Though Dieter had made sure Claus was the co-owner of their various business ventures as soon as they’d managed to legitimize most of it, Claus made sure that was never public knowledge. Most thought of him as Dieter’s enforcer. He’d always liked it that way. That was going to have to change now. For Alicia’s sake if nothing else.

This woman deserved the world. He wanted to give her that and so much more. But he needed to be respectable in every way. The last thing she needed was to be reminded in any way of the life that she left behind. For too long she’d been forced to live in darkness—she deserved to live in the light. He was determined to give her as much sun as possible.

“You deserve better than me.” All this talking out of feelings was still very new to him. The correct words to express himself often escaped him. “But I can’t—I won’t leave you unless you tell me to.” Not exactly what he meant to say. It was just that he had no idea how to express exactly what he was feeling. This was still new and baffling.

Sure Claus had
seen
many a man fall for various assortments of female types. Often stupidly. While he’d never once sneered at what men called love, he hadn’t believed it really existed either. In the past, he had thought if believing himself to be in love helped a man get through the shit storm he’d always believed life to be, who was he to get in the way? And if a woman led a man to do something stupid, he wasn’t much of a man in the first place.

But when Dieter met Deja, Claus had begun to rethink things. Knowing Dieter as well as he knew himself, he knew the other man wasn’t the type to delude himself, not matter the circumstances. They were not men who got lonely. Whims of fancy cost too much, and both men had already lost more than any human should ever have to. And Deja had been unlike any woman Claus had ever met. There was a purity, an earnestness that he hadn’t seen before, but given the circles in which he traveled, that hadn’t been surprising.

Alicia, however, had shocked him. Of course her daughter was pure in a way that went to her very soul; how could she not be with a mother like Alicia? The last thing Claus had expected was to be blindsided while helping Dieter make sure his woman was safe. It could have been Claus wanting what Dieter had found. In fact, for the first few months, Claus had tried to convince himself that was exactly what he was feeling. But really, when watching Deja and Dieter together, he hadn’t wanted what they had. He had wanted Alicia. He’d wanted to erase the fear from her eyes, wanted to see what kind of woman would emerge from that cocoon she’d wrapped herself in for self-preservation.