Sasha's Dilemma (16 page)

“Yeah, he just wanted to
talk to make sure I forgave him.”

“Yeah, I’m sure that’s
all it was.”

“What do you mean?”

“Look, Sasha, I saw the way
he was staring at you from the moment I got to the funeral home. He
looked like he wanted to pummel me when I was hugging you. I can’t
imagine what he would have done if I kissed you even on the cheek.
That boy is crazy about you even after all this time.”

“I know, but it’s the
past and I want to move forward, not go backwards.”

“You aren’t going
backwards if you love him. Just don’t deny yourself happiness
because you think everyone will hurt you.”

I nod my head and go to the
bathroom to shower because it’s been a crazy day. I’m
standing in the shower thinking about everything, Brit, Josh, and
Adam. The dam finally breaks and I can’t hold it in anymore.
Why would someone want to hurt such a beautiful woman? I have lost my
best friend. Did I ruin everything with Josh by not giving him a fair
chance? I can’t handle it anymore. I drop to floor of the
shower and hug my knees, hoping this pain in my heart will stop soon
so I can put my walls back up.

I get up early the next morning
and head over to Adam’s to say goodbye. Everyone is there, a
few of Brit’s work colleagues, Lola, Blake, and even Josh. I
walk in with Brandon behind me and go to Lola who is holding Kasey. I
pick her up and give her the biggest kiss. This little girl sure
knows how to make me smile when I’m feeling down. I see Brandon
walk over and give Lola a hug. He then introduces himself to Blake
and Josh. While Brandon shakes hands, I decide to let them be and go
to the lounge room to get my time in with Kasey before I leave today.

“Who is Aunty Sasha’s
favourite girl?” I coo to her.

“Me! Me, Aunty!”

“Yes, beautiful, you are.”

We sit and play with Lego blocks
for a bit when a voice interrupts us.

“You’re really good
with her.” I look up and see Josh staring down at us. I nod my
head in agreement. Kasey gets up and runs over to him.

“Josh! Josh!”

“She seems to love you,
too.”

“Yeah, I’ve been
around her a lot.”

“Oh.” I didn’t
know he hung around them. I assumed they were all good friends, but
didn’t consider
how close.

“Well, I’m going to
say goodbye to everyone else. Bye, my little beautiful girl.”

“You come back soon?”
Kasey asks me.

“Soon as I can, baby.”

I walk out of the lounge room and
let them play. I find Adam talking with everyone.

“Hey, Brandon and I have to
leave, but if you need me, please phone.” I lean in, kiss him
on the cheek and give him a hug.

“Can I walk you out?”
he asks, looking up at me.

“Yes, of course.”

I say my goodbyes to everybody
else, and I notice Lola hasn’t left Blake’s side since
I’ve seen her. I’ll have to ask her what is going on with
them.

“Look, Sasha, I know it’s
not my place to say, but Brit and I felt strongly about it and now
she isn’t here to say anything to you. So I will. I think you
made a bad choice by moving away and not sorting out what you and
Josh had. We could tell you were crazy about each other, and after
you left, Josh went crazy and wouldn’t talk to anyone.

“The only way we could get
him out of his funk was to bring Kasey around to cheer him up. He was
constantly fighting and drinking. He has only just come back to being
semi-normal. If you plan to see him again, please make sure it’s
something you want. I can’t stand to deal with all that again.
He has a lot of issues, and it’s not my place to tell you about
them, but he has to.”

Wow, I don’t know what to
say. Brit felt this way and never told me.

“I don’t plan on
hurting him again, and it might not have been the best choice to move
away, but I’m happy there.”

“Okay, that’s all I
can ask for I guess. Thanks so much for coming and helping, I really
appreciate it.”

“Call me anytime you need
me, Adam. I’m not far away and I’ll be on the first
flight out, I promise.”

It’s been a busy week since
being home. Going back to work and dealing with all these emotions I
have about everything, has been hard. I feel if I take a wrong step,
my world will come to halt and I will have to face everything. So
instead, I keep myself busy with work, and my cousins do their part
to keep me occupied as well. I’ve also been seeing Brax.

He has been a great friend. He
usually picks me up from work and often buys take out. We sit on the
couch and watch movies. He really is a great guy, but my mind
continually wanders back to Josh. I sometimes wonder where Brax and I
would be if I hadn’t seen Josh again. I think I would have
pursued him, and probably given in to my feelings for him. But I know
it’s not fair to give him pieces of me when my heart belongs to
someone I thought I would never see again. Brax is about to go and
get us take out for the night when I hear my phone buzz. It’s
from an unknown number.

Unknown:

Hi, I’m in Sydney and

would like to take you

out for dinner. Josh

I’m a bit surprised he wants
to have dinner; to me, dinner is a date, but I’m hoping he just
wants to be friends because I don’t know if I can handle
another heartbreak again from him.

Me:

Ok, text me where.

I look at Brax and notice
he is waiting for
me.

“Would you mind if we don’t
have dinner tonight? A friend has just arrived and wants to meet up.”

“No, that’s fine,
Sash. Just call me if you change your mind; otherwise, I’ll see
you soon.”

He leans in, kisses me on the
cheek and goes. I go to my bedroom and change into a pair of jeans
and a nice top and head out the door. I pull up to what I guess is
the hotel he’s staying at. I park my car, and instantly, I see
him standing at the entrance waiting for me.

“You look lovely as always,
Sasha,” he says in greeting.

He leans in and kisses me on the
cheek. At just that simple gesture, I feel electricity race through
my body.

“Thank you.”

He gestures for me to follow him
and places his hand on the small of my back as we get in the
elevator. I can feel his stare on me. I turn and see he is looking at
me like he is trying to work something out. Just as he is about to
say something, the elevator dings, and he doesn’t speak. I
follow him to what I guess is his room. We take a seat on the couch
and he orders
room service. I twitch my fingers nervously.

“Have you missed me at all?”
he asks me quietly.

I wasn’t expecting that to
be the first words out of his mouth, but I can see he wants an
answer. I really want to tell him he is in my dreams as well as my
nightmares. There has been absolutely no escaping him, even with me
putting the distance between us, but I don’t say any of that.

“I don’t know what you
want me to say, Josh,” I say with a shrug.

“Honesty would be good.”

“Really? Honest like you
were with me all the time?”

I know I am being bitchy, but it’s
my defence mechanism to protect myself.

“So when I asked you if you
forgave me, you really didn’t?”

“I do, Josh, but why ask
such a thing?”

He places his elbows on his knees
and grabs at his head. I can tell he is getting worked up at this
conversation, but I think it’s one we need to have.

“Because… I have
loved you since the day I saw you, and you don’t seem to care.
I tried so hard to forget you, but it never worked. Then you show up
with another guy, telling him you loved him, I almost ripped his
throat out there and then. If it hadn’t been for Blake standing
next to me, there would have been another funeral, Sasha.”

“I can’t believe you
would say that. He is my cousin.”

“I know that now, but it
doesn’t change the way I felt. I could never stand to see a guy
touch you.”

“I know that Josh, but I’m
not yours to go all caveman over.”

There’s a knock at the door
and I guess it’s room service. Josh goes out to answer the
door. I’m waiting for him to return when I hear a girl’s
voice complaining about not being able to come in. I stand up and
walk closer so I can hear their conversation.

“Come on, Joshy, you know
you want to let me come in and have some fun.”

I can’t believe I’m
here listening to this. Did he really expect me to forgive him when
he calls other girls around to satisfy his needs?

“Rebecca, you need to leave.
I don’t even know how you knew I was here. I told you it was a
onetime thing. Please fuck off.”

“Oh, come on. I can get down
on my hands and knees for you, like before,” she begs.

That’s enough. I have had
it. I grab my bag and go to walk out, but then it dawns on me I’ll
have to pass by these two idiots on my way out.

“Excuse me,” I say and
get a hateful glare from the girl. Josh automatically sees my bag and
goes to shut the door on her face.

“Please, don’t go. I
didn’t call her. You know I wouldn’t have done that,”
he pleads.

“How would I know what you
would or wouldn’t have done, Josh? Please just let me leave. It
was a mistake to come here.”

“God, woman, you never ever
hear me out. You just run. Yes, I fucked her. Are you going to tell
me you haven’t been with anyone? I have had sex with many other
women since you, but I never made love to any of them. I always took
them doggy style so I didn’t have to see their faces. That way
I could think of you.”

“Does that make it all right
then, that every time you fucked someone you thought of me?” I
stand with my hand on my hip.

“God, you are such a
frustrating woman!”

With that, he grabs me, picks me
up by my ass so my legs have to wrap around him, and slams his lips
on to mine. It’s not a slow torturous kiss, but it’s a
painful ‘I want you so bad, you annoying twit’ kiss. And
oh, my God, it’s heaven. I forgot what a great kisser this man
is, and how he makes my butterflies feel like they’re trying to
escape my body.

He slows down the kiss and I feel
him massaging my ass. He pulls my bottom lip between his lips and
sucks on it. Then slowly, but surely, he starts kissing his way down
my neck. He removes one hand from my bottom and glides it ever so
slowly up my back. He reaches around and cups my breast. I know I
should be pushing him away. My head is screaming at me to make this
stop because it’s only going to hurt worse,
but my heart is so full of joy, I want to scream.

Josh carries me to the bedroom and
lays me down on the bed. All the while, never moving his mouth away
from me, constantly keeping in contact. It’s like he thinks if
he lets go for a second, it will all be over. He tortures my breast
with his tongue and I’m squirming for more. I can feel his
chuckle as I squirm. He knows what I want, but he is torturing me on
purpose.

He lets go of my breast and takes
my shirt off. Once he has done that, he trails kisses all the way
down to my jeans, and then starts undoing them. I help by kicking my
legs out of them. Quickly he undoes his jeans and slips them off but
leaves his shirt on. He crawls up my legs and places butterfly kisses
all the way to my inner thighs. I feel his hot breath right at my
core and I can’t take the punishment anymore. I need and want
it all in one.

I grab his head and force him
down. He has his way with me, knowing all the right spots and exactly
how to make me squirm. After giving me my first orgasm, I feel him at
my entrance. He looks me in the eyes before he forcefully slams right
into me. I throw my head back and scream as he continues the painful,
but blissful onslaught until he collapses on top of me.

“Fuck, I’ve missed
your sweet taste and that beautiful pussy.”

I don’t answer him. I just
lay there thinking
“What
the fuck have I done?”
I’ve given myself to him once again. I try to get up, but he
pulls me back down, cradles me in his arms, and tangles our legs
together so I can’t escape.

“Don’t overthink it,
Sash. You were always mine and you overthinking things won’t
change that fact.”

I know he’s right. I just
wish it weren’t true. I don’t want to be hurt again, and
this man has enough power to break me.

I lay here with him and do exactly
what he accused me of, overthink everything. I honestly do believe he
loves me. Even in sleep, he’s holding me like he’s afraid
I’m going to escape. I guess the only way to see if he will
hurt me again is to give it a go. But I’m shit scared as to
where this rollercoaster with Josh will take me.

I look at his sleeping form and
take in the true beauty of this man. He is a sight to behold. He has
the perfect facial features, beautiful lips that can make a girl go
crazy, and a smashing body that you see in fashion magazines; except
Josh’s is way more manly than the men in magazines.

I look down at the tattoo he had
done for me. I’m surprised he never covered it or had it
removed. I slide my fingers across his chest and outline the words
that show his love for me. Even after watching my mom for all those
years, I still believe in true love, and I think he is mine. But I
also believe that if you lose your true love, no matter how much it
hurts, you can fall in love again. Maybe if you’re lucky, it’s
possible to have more than one true love in your lifetime. I believe
I could have fallen in love with Brax if given time, but I had
already given my heart to someone else and he never returned it.

I feel him stir next to me. He
opens his eyes and stares at me for a while in silence as if he
thinks it will break the spell we’re under.

“How come you still have
this?” I say, tracing the tattoo.

“Just because you were
unsure of us, Sash, doesn’t mean I was.”