Saint of Sinners (11 page)

“Pretty much.”

He shook his head. “You keep surprising me.”

“Better than boring you,” I joked.

“If you can’t let yourself love her, why are you still dating her?”

That was the question, but I’d made my decision. “Because I’m too selfish to let her go. Too guilty to love her, and too selfish to let her go. Like I told you, I’m not totally evil, but I’m no saint either.”

“That makes you sound very human, Alex.”

“I suppose it does.” But I was only half human, and most of the time that didn’t feel like nearly enough.

Chapter 13

Hayley pulled over to the curb. “Can I come up?”

“Yeah.” I didn’t know why she was asking. It wasn’t like she hadn’t been up there more than a dozen times.

She followed me upstairs and I peeked in on Mew-Mew. He was still running messages for the queen and I got a brief, blurry view of the Path he was on. So, Hayley and I were alone.

She sat on the couch, a little frown creasing her forehead. “I think we need to talk.”

I didn’t like that tone. “About what?”

“You’ve been weird for a while. Since you were sick after Halloween.”

“I’ve always been weird.” I tried to turn it into a joke as I sat on the opposite side of the couch.

“That’s not what I mean.” She crossed her arms. “Do you even like me anymore?”

“Of course I do.” I didn’t even have to think about it.

“It doesn’t seem like it. You’re so… distant. Sometimes it feels like you’re not even there at all.”

I looked at the floor, feeling guilty. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be.”

“What’s going on?”

I killed a bunch of Satanists, Ken, and my mom, and that reminded me that this life is just pretend.
I couldn’t say that, though. I had to lie again. “I don’t know.” Yeah, that was a terrific lie. How do you come up with these gems, Alex?

“Is it something about your past? Did something happen?”

“A lot of things happened. You know my parents beat me. I don’t like to talk about it.” And now two of them were dead. I couldn’t talk to Hayley about any of that stuff. She only knew what I told her, the things that made me look good. What would she think of me if she knew even half the truth?

“If you ever do, I’m here for you.” Silence stretched between us for a moment. “I wish you would talk about it. Talking helps.”

“You knew I had baggage when we met.” I was getting mad at her for bringing it up, and mad at myself for getting mad. “There are things I can’t talk about.” There, that was the truth.

“Why not? Don’t you trust me?”

She didn’t get it, and how could she? Hayley had parents who loved her, a brother who loved her. She’d never been beaten, she hadn’t been isolated from the world, she hadn’t been born to destroy the world, and most of all, she was human.

I stood and started pacing. “It’s not about trust.” But really, it was. I didn’t trust her not to freak out or think I was crazy. “Can we just drop it?”

“No. I keep hoping you’ll get through this. I keep trying to get you to let me in, but you keep pushing me away.” She watched me as I went from one end of the room to the other. “What do you want from me? Because I don’t think I can give it to you.”

“It isn’t about you. You’re one of the best things in my life.”

“Then why don’t I feel like it?”

I stopped, feeling sick. She was right. All I was doing was hurting her. “I’m sorry. I’ve been a jerk. I don’t deserve you.”

“Don’t be like that. I can’t imagine what it was like for you, being treated like you were, but that doesn’t mean you’re worthless. You deserve to be happy.”

“Do I?” As I said it, the words went through me like a chill. It wasn’t just about feeling guilty that I was lying to Hayley, some fucked-up part of me wondered if I deserved
any
of this.

“Of
course
you do.” She gave me a fierce look, like she wanted to punch anyone that said otherwise.

It warmed me, made me feel that little flutter I thought might become love. It just made things worse. “You don’t know that.”

She stared at me. “I think you need help, serious help. I want to be there for you, I really do, but I don’t know if I can watch you do this to yourself. It hurts too much.”

I bit back a cynical laugh. “I can’t just go to a shrink. There’s so much going on that you don’t understand.”

“Then
tell
me.”

My skin started to heat and I took a deep breath, forcing the power back. “I can’t.”

Hayley got up. “Then I can’t do this. I keep going for the mysterious guy, but that’s so stupid.” She turned away and went for the door. “You’re just another mistake.”

My throat tightened and the back of my eyes burned. I was going to lose her no matter what, so fuck it. It was too hard to keep holding it in. “Hayley! You want the truth?” I waited until she turned around and held out my hand. A little fireball formed in my palm as my heart pounded. This was it, four months of lying, trying to fit in as a human. I might be throwing it all away.

Her eyes widened. “What is that? How did you do that?”

“I can call fire.” I made it disappear. “I can do a lot of things.” I reached out and pulled a book from the shelf across the room. It flew past Hayley before reaching my hand.

She gasped. “What the hell?”

“Exactly.” If she wanted to hate me, I’d give her a real reason. “I’m the son of the devil, Hayley. You wanted to know what’s wrong with me,
that’s
what’s wrong with me.”

“What?” She backed toward the door.

“I’m the Antichrist. I’m supposed to destroy the world, number of the Beast and all that shit, but all I want to do is go to high school. I just want to be normal.” My vision blurred and I realized I was crying.

“Are you serious?” she asked, barely above a whisper. “This can’t be real.”

“It’s very fucking real. I saved the world three times this summer, I fought Satan, and I thought I deserved a fucking
reward
.” But it was all going to shit, just like everything else.

She was up against the door. “Are you going to hurt me?”

I laughed and wiped my eyes. “Only your feelings.”

“This can’t be real,” she repeated.

I didn’t want to scare her, but I hadn’t admitted everything only to have her not believe me. Was there a gentle way to show my powers? Bringing out demon wings was a bad idea, so was calling more fire. I remembered making it snow in the dining room, how that made me feel. Pure wonder. It was easy this time, my power answering immediately.

A few flakes drifted down, then more and more. She blinked and looked up at the snow falling from the ceiling. She turned to me, then looked back up, reaching out a tentative hand. “You’re making it snow? How?”

“Magic. Like I said, I can do lots of things.” Watching it snow calmed me a little.

“So you’re not evil?” She studied me.

“No. Not completely, at least.”

“But you said you’re the son of the devil.”

“I don’t have to be like him. I have free will.”

“And you want to be good?”

I dared to hope. “Yeah.”

She reached out, snowflakes melting in her palm. “What else can you do?”

“Do you want a list or a demonstration?”

***

I took her out to the field where I’d practiced flying. It was dark and the crows weren’t around. She was bundled into one of my hoodies and my coat to protect her from the cold. I called fire, melting a wide patch of snow. I showed her how I could use telekinesis, speed, and strength. When none of it sent her into a screaming panic, I got brave enough to show her my wings.

Her mouth dropped open. “Where do you hide them?”

“I don’t hide them. They’re magic; they disappear when I don’t want them.” I flexed them a little. Yes, I admit I was showing off, but I’d expected her to run away and instead she was almost as cool with it as my demigod friends.

She moved closer, hand half raised. “Can I touch them?”

“Sure.” I turned to give her better access. Heat flushed through me as her fingers brushed along my left wing, the one Satan had torn off. It had come back fine the next time my wings appeared, so either it had healed on its own or Joshua’s magic had fixed it along with the rest of my body.

“They feel weird.” Her hand moved along the skin between the bony fingers. The wings were something like dragon or demon wings I’d seen in artwork.

“Imagine having them growing out of your back,” I joked.

“Do they work?” She paused and looked at me.

“You mean can I fly?” I smirked. “Do you want a ride?” I was pretty sure I could carry her.

“For real?”

I held out my arms. After a slight hesitation she stepped into my arms and turned so she was facing outward. I wrapped my arms tightly around her waist. “I haven’t tried this yet,” I admitted, “but I promise not to let you fall.”

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

“Me, either.”

I flexed my wings and jumped into the sky. It had gotten much easier with months of practice, and I’d learned how to take off from the ground. We shot upward and Hayley gasped. Carrying her didn’t seem to make any difference, except it was a little awkward to keep my arms around her as I flew. Wings as small as mine couldn’t possibly carry me, let alone a passenger, but I few by magic, not physics.

“Holy shit, we’re really flying.” Her heart pounded loudly enough that I could hear it, even above the rush of the wind.

An hour ago I thought she was going to leave me, and here we were flying together. “Isn’t it great?” Happiness bubbled out of me and I laughed.

After a while I landed in the spot I’d cleared of snow and she stepped away with a breathless laugh. She sounded like I had after riding an awesome-scary coaster. “We should’ve done
that
for our first date.”

“Are you saying that was better than the zoo?” I ran a hand through my hair. It was too short to get really messy, but flying made it stick up in weird ways. “Oh, and I can talk to animals.”

“What
can’t
you do?”

I tilted my head, thinking.
Kill the devil
came to mind, but I didn’t want to bring that up. “Scare you off, apparently. Are you really okay with this?”

Hayley took a deep breath, puffing it out in a white cloud. “I’m not really sure. I’m too overwhelmed to think clearly.”

I folded my wings against my back, but didn’t put them away. “So are you going to wake up tomorrow and decide a half demon is a bad choice for a boyfriend?” My heart was beating faster than it had when we were flying.

“Do you think it’s a bad choice? Is that why you act so distant? Do you
want
me to break up with you?” A breeze kicked up, tossing her hair. She’d been growing it out since the beginning of the school year and the flight had left it messier than mine.

“No.” Although that was only partly true. “I didn’t want you to get too close because I was lying about what I was. You didn’t know Alex Holden, Antichrist. You only knew Alex Holden, high school student. The boy you like is something I created.”

“How different is he from the real Alex?”

I laughed bitterly and stretched my wings.

“What about your
personality
? Are you secretly a jerk that, I don’t know, kicks babies or something?”

I shook my head. “I tried to be as much myself as I could, minus the powers or talking about my past.”

“There you go, then. I knew mostly-real Alex the whole time. Now I get to know the rest of you.” She stepped close and kissed me—brief, almost chaste. “I’m still not sure what I think of all this, but I know I want to see you tomorrow.”

I sighed. There was so much more to tell, but that was good enough for now.

Chapter 14

It was the middle of gym class when I felt it. Like someone calling my name, but in my mind. It wasn’t like talking to Mew-Mew either, so I knew it wasn’t him. The sensation was a little like hearing things when you’re drifting off to sleep, but a second later you realize it was just your mind playing tricks. Except I wasn’t falling asleep and the sensation came again a few seconds later.

It was distracting, and that sucked because I had to pay attention in gym. It was my hardest class because I was so much faster and stronger than everyone else, and I had to pretend I was normal. I couldn’t have played for one of the school teams even if I wanted to. The excitement of competition, the desire to win, might have distracted me and I could let loose with my powers. Jogging and stretching wasn’t so bad, but I had to be careful during team sports, constantly reminding myself to slow down and be gentle. Once in a while I got the urge to show off, but I resisted. I didn’t want to stand out. Not good, not bad, just average.

The weird call came for a good fifteen minutes, then it stopped. I kept thinking about it all day, and when I got home I called Stefan.

“No, I haven’t felt anything like that. It sounds really weird.”

“Shit. I was hoping you’d know. I thought maybe it was a demigod thing.” Stefan was two years older than me and had gotten his powers before the rest of us. Not all of our powers were the same since we had different gods from different pantheons as our parents, but usually Stefan at least had an idea of what the rest of us were going through. Lately, though, I’d been getting more powerful much faster than him.

“It could be, but it’s nothing I’ve experienced. I could ask my dad about it next time I see him.”

“Cool, thanks.” If it was some typical thing for demigods, Odin would know. I didn’t like waiting for an answer, but it wasn’t like this was an emergency or anything.

That night, it happened again, much louder this time. I was watching TV and the sound or whatever it was made me jump. It wasn’t words I could make out, just a sensation of shouting. Pleading.

Mew-Mew blinked at me, disturbed from his nap.
What is it?

“I don’t know. Like someone shouting inside my head, but not like when you talk to me. It’s a feeling, not words.” As I explained it, the shout came again. I sat up straighter. “It feels like someone calling for help.”