SAHM I am (12 page)

Tom,

You were supposed to help me clean the house this weekend! For Thanksgiving, remember? Everyone is going to be here in just over a week! What do you expect me to do—take care of it all on my own? Oh, wait, I do that all the time. Never mind, no problem.

Dulcie

Z,

Can’t write long—taking Tyler to the doctor to see why his leg is hurting. I’m getting worried. Just wanted to let you know I care and I hope you can work this conflict out with Tristan. Keep trying! I’ll be praying…

Jocelyn

Great—then you don’t need me anyway. Not that this comes as a huge shock to me. I always suspected it. My amaz
ing wife—completely self-sufficient: needs nothing, wants nothing, accepts nothing. I guess I’ll see you at Thanksgiving.

Tom

I absolutely REFUSE to comment on your e-mail. If you have something to say, you can come home and say it in person—what a concept! But I’m not going to carry on some dumb e-mail argument. Especially when you are deliberately twisting my words!

I do need you this weekend! I need you every weekend. You have no idea how long the weeks get without you around. I nearly kill myself trying to keep everything under control around here, so that when you come home, we can spend time with each other. But you take every opportunity to be gone!

So, no, I’m not going to respond to your e-mail. It was sarcastic and childish and completely out of context. I have nothing at all to say about it. But I do have needs and wants. And if you can’t see that, well, it’s not my fault.

I don’t want to discuss this in an e-mail, except to say that if that’s what you really think—you’re completely wrong.

And don’t you DARE comment about the house or dinner or anything for Thanksgiving. I’m not going to knock myself out trying to do everything by myself. I’ll get done what I can, and if it’s not how you like it, we both will know why. But I won’t go THERE right now—we really
need to talk while you’re home. You WILL be home through the weekend, right?

Dulcie

AUTOMATIC RESPONDER MESSAGE FOLLOWS: Hello,

Thank you for your e-mail. I will be out of the office November 20-21 and 25-26. I will make every effort to reply quickly when I return.

Sincerely,

Thomas Huckleberry, consultant

CorTech, Inc.

Dearest Dulcie, and McKenzie, Haley and Aidan,

This is your mother-in-law, Jeanine! If you are reading this, Tom has gotten my computer set up!!! I’m sending you my FIRST E-MAIL! I’m so excited!

Morris is reading over my shoulder and thinks I shouldn’t use so many exclamation points. But I can’t help it! I just told him it’s almost as exciting as when he first kissed me! Almost, but not quite! Now Tom, who is also reading over my shoul
der, is acting all embarrassed at the idea of his mother kissing somebody! Grow up, Tom!!!

Morris and I are SO excited about coming for Thanksgiving! I can’t wait for you to meet him! I hope it wasn’t TOO much trouble to let Tom come this weekend. I’m sure you had a lot of things to do to get ready, and I stole away your help!

I have a surprise for you!!! Morris and I are going to come EARLY to help you get ready!!! We’ll be in around 8 Tuesday evening, and then we can spend all day on Wednesday helping you! You won’t have to worry about a thing! It’s just our way of saying thanks for letting Tom help me set up the computer. I’ve wanted a computer at home for AGES!!!

Morris says staring at a computer screen will make my eyes go bad, but I told him it doesn’t matter since I already wear contacts! Morris thinks we should buy a special filter for the screen, just in case, but I don’t want to spend money on something so boring!

Okay, I want to send this now! Give those precious honey-girls hugs from Memaw and Morris! We can’t wait to see them!!!

Love you so much!!!!!!!!!

Mom H.

Hey gals,

Phyllis, you’d have to know Tristan to understand. He’s brilliant, classy, good-looking, perfectly organized and has a great career. Most days, I’m not even sure how we got together—I can’t organize an empty box, I’m flighty and I live on some artistic planet in a galaxy far, far away. Schooling the kids was, I guess, my one big chance to show him I’m competent in something that matters. Plus, I love having the kids around during the day. I don’t really want to get a job “on the outside”—I like being home! But he took away the three best reasons for being home, and stuck them in school. I’m going to miss out on watching Cosette learn to read. I won’t get to teach Griffith to tie his shoe or see Seamus’s eyes light up when he makes some new discovery about nature. Some teacher in a classroom is going to get PAID to see all those things I’d gladly witness for free. And I hate that idea!

I don’t know how to even approach it with Tristan—I’m still too angry. And he has all of next week off for Thanksgiving, so I don’t know what I’m going to do. I know we need to talk, but I don’t think the things I want to say right now would make God very happy.

Z

Mom,

Congratulations on the e-mail. It came through just fine. I’m glad Tom was able to make it down to help you this weekend. Please don’t feel obligated to come early—it’s no big
deal. Of course, we always love to see you. I’m looking forward to meeting Morris, too.

Love,

Dulcie

You guys, my mother-in-law is coming EARLY for Thanksgiving, and bringing her boyfriend with her! What am I going to do? Since Tom didn’t come home this weekend, I haven’t gotten the house cleaned yet, and I was counting on having all day Tuesday and then Wednesday, too, to finish things up, but now they’re arriving Tuesday evening! I won’t be ready on Tuesday! To make matters worse, MY mother wants to come over and help on Wednesday also. If there’s one thing you DON’T want the day before you host a huge family holiday, it’s my mom and Tom’s mom in the same house trying to “help.” Jeanine’s ideas are always wildly elaborate, and my mother prefers practicality and simplicity. Jeanine likes to talk, and…well, my mom likes to talk, too, except she actually expects to be HEARD, as well. And the last time they both were around the same kitchen, they got into a very POLITE argument about the best recipe for chocolate chip cookies. Not to mention the ongoing competition to see who is the most popular grandma with the girls!

I can’t do this! It’s bad enough that I’m single-handedly putting Thanksgiving together. I can’t referee my relatives, too!

It’s been a horrible, no-good, very bad week all around. Z, I’m so sorry to hear about things with Tristan. I wish I could give you some good advice or something, but I don’t seem to be able to keep things on an even keel with Tom, so anything I’d say would be the height of hypocrisy. Jocelyn, let me know what you find out about Tyler’s leg. I hope he’s okay. Phyllis, take it from me—stock up on dolls. After their heads get banged off so many times, they don’t snap back on anymore.

I had a church friend call me this evening, just to chat. She griped about her job, her lack of a boyfriend, how lonely she was, etc. Then she said, “Sometimes I just envy you so much! I can’t imagine how awesome it would be to be off the dating-go-round, have a great husband and adorable children, and be able to stay home and play with them all day long. It must be incredibly relaxing not to have to work!”

Yes, my friends, our stress-free life is why there are bags under our eyes and on our thighs, and an entire case of Advil in our medicine cabinets. I chew my fingernails to the quick just for the fun of it, don’t you know?

Dulcie

Honey-sis, now don’t go raising a ruckus. We didn’t invite you because y’all
always
do Thanksgiving with Chad’s family. Why would we think this year would be any different? I don’t get why you’re having a conniption. Bless your sweet little heart, you don’t like how we celebrate Thanksgiving anyway. We actually have FUN—which gets you all whomperjawed. If all y’all want to come, you’re always welcome. You ought to know that, so there ya go.

Ronnie

Sweet Sisters,

I know we’re all busy this week preparing for the holiday, but in the middle of travel or baking preparations, I thought it would be a good idea to discuss ways we can make Thanksgiving healthier. I’m sure our Pilgrim fathers would have been horrified at the gluttony with which most people celebrate their historic feast. To combat that, this week I will be sending several recipes for healthy Thanksgiving dishes, and I’d love to hear from all of you, too.

But health isn’t only in what we eat. Holidays can be stressful times, at least from what other people tell me. Our family get-togethers are always so peaceful, but I understand this is probably not the case for the rest of you. What can you do to infuse this week with peace and love?

My sister and her new husband, by contrast, are spending the whole weekend entertaining my parents as well as
his folks—who are visiting from Italy for the next six weeks—and all their relatives. They have a huge, fancy house with a pool, and a big-screen TV on which they will watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Frank’s mother is making Italian food for the main dinner, and my mom will bake her special turkey and stuffing. We will be the only ones not there, but I’m grateful to escape the chaos and indigestion, not to mention the hassle of traveling all the way to Houston.

Our family has actually done away with the traditional dinner altogether. We get together with all of Chad’s relatives and fast the noon meal. Instead of indulging ourselves, we go to the local rescue mission together and prepare and serve a Thanksgiving dinner to all the homeless people. Then, in the evening, we eat a simple meal together by candlelight. Not only do we prevent overeating this way, but we also have such a heightened sense of gratefulness to God for the food we do have and for all His blessings to us. It will be our third year of doing this, and it’s quickly becoming the family’s favorite holiday tradition.

Ministering to the less fortunate is much more satisfying than dining in the lap of luxury, don’t you think?

Thanking God for all of you,

Rosalyn Ebberly

SAHM I Am Loop Moderator

She should have changed her signature line to…

“…and does not eat the Turkey of Gluttony, nor the cranberry sauce, nor the mashed potatoes, nor the corn on the cob, yams, or dinner rolls, and most DEFINITELY NOT the pumpkin pie, poor virtuous, blessed (and hungry) woman that she is…”