Sacred Hart (24 page)

I nodded and exhaled a deep breath.

“Some things can’t be explained. Some people would say you were in heaven, some would say you were in between the veil, some would say your brain was firing off crazy electrical impulses as your body fought to live.”

“I want to know what you think, Tony.” My stare locked with his as he sat up straight.

“If you ask me, I think you were in between. Belle showed you a glimpse… and now, all you see are the happy things. Ryan, that doesn’t mean you’re going to die. It means you’re finally living. You’ve accepted that Belle isn’t gone, but is somewhere better than here. And the dreams? That’s all you kid.” His smile reached his eyes as he watched me.

“How so?”

“You have closure, son, you can move on. She showed you a future, and she’s given you back your past, just not the ugly parts.”

My jaw ticked, and as hard as I tried to fight myself, to keep the tears at bay, they fell anyway. “I love her.”

“Belle isn’t going anywhere. You? You stick around, okay?”

“Maggie, I love Maggie.”

“She isn’t going anywhere either.” He stood and walked over to the bed, and his firm grip enclosed around my shoulder. “You’ve got tubes coming out of your neck and arms. You’re pissing in a bag for crying out loud. But that woman, she looks at you like you’re her saving grace. Your struggle with faith, with God, with yourself… just trust what Belle showed you. Someone somewhere upstairs has your back; otherwise, you’d be six feet under instead of here, in this bed.” He dropped his eyes from mine, and I’d learned over the months to wait him out as he gathered his thoughts. “Ryan, I thought you were dead. You were gone when you hit that kitchen floor. I could tell. I’d seen it a lot as a priest doing Last Rights. I’m glad she sent you back to us, back to where you belong.” He released my shoulder and nodded his chin.

My lungs filled with a shaky breath as I let his words soak in. “Thank you for everything, for treating me like I was your own son.”

“You are as far as I’m concerned.” He was indignant, and it made me grin.

“Thank you.”

“You can thank me when you get your ass back to the diner. I’ll have two shot glasses full of whiskey to celebrate, I swear if Collin doesn’t put me out of business first.” He raised his eyes and hands to the ceiling. “If I have to tell him one more time the difference between simmer and boil, I’m going to fire him.”

“No, you won’t.” It hurt every muscle in my body to laugh, but I did it anyway. It freed me from this bed, even if I never moved an inch.

“You’re right.” He coughed out a long sigh of a laugh. “I better get going. I’ll be here the day of the surgery. I’ll do a rosary.”

I shook my head. “Tony, you’re barely a Catholic anymore.”

“Whatever helps, I always say.”

“I’ll see you on Wednesday. The surgery is supposed to be around nine.”

“I’ll be here.”

Tony left, and as the room filled with an overwhelming quiet, all I could hear was the ticking of a clock. The watch Maggie gave me sat on the bedside table like the reminder she had hoped it would be. It had become my compass and, as I began to sink into darker thoughts, it pulled me back on course. The light flickered over the glass face, and it was then I decided not to take another wrong turn. If I made it through this surgery, if I was granted the time I continued to beg for every night, I would set things right. I wanted to make Maggie my wife, and I wanted to start my family. I couldn’t afford to get lost inside my head anymore. Maybe in time, I could rebuild the broken relationship between my parents and me, but for now, I’d just concentrate on breathing each breath, remembering each one of Maggie’s smiles, and hope for another tomorrow.

His lips separated with a small exhale as he shifted under the hospital blanket. The nurse had already been by to check his morning vitals, and as he’d fallen back to sleep, he seemed so peaceful. When he was awake I could feel his anguish; the light in his eyes had dulled since before… before his heart attack. The boulder in my throat choked me, and my jaw ached as I tried to suppress my tears.
Not today, Maggie
. I had to be strong. I had to show him he could do this, for himself, for me, and for us. I dropped my hand to my belly, and the tears began to fall. My stomach was empty more often than not these past few days. I couldn’t eat; if I even smelled food half the time, I’d dry heave, and if I actually ate it, well, it only stayed down for a few minutes. I wasn’t going to let Ryan in on that little secret. As far as he was concerned, I was right as rain.

The only thing I could keep down was water or apple juice.
Apples
. The thought made me smile, and for a moment my tears subsided as my gaze fell to his mouth. It had been too long since we kissed. I mean, we’d kissed since his heart attack, but it was safe, slow, and not enough to get his heart really pumping like it used to. Our kisses now were pure love mixed with a bit of fear. We feared the loss of each other. The heat and desire put on hold for understanding and compassion.

He was my perfect pairing.

I placed his hand in mine, and the warmth of his skin made me close my eyes. It brought me back to that morning… the morning that everything I ever wanted almost slipped through my fingers.

There wasn’t anything better than the feel of Ryan’s hands on my skin. The rough patches on his palms ran along my bare hips setting off an explosion of goose bumps. The hair of his beard scratched my tummy as he peppered kisses passed my belly button. His lips paused, and I groaned in protest. I lifted up onto my elbows and was met with a sideways grin.

“Ryan.” I squirmed, and he chuckled as he gently bit my hip.

“What?” he said with a mock innocence in his voice.

Ryan’s lips found my skin again and he trailed kisses back up my stomach, between my breasts, and finally, collided his mouth with mine in a hungry kiss. He held the weight of his body, but the feel of his muscles against my flesh as he gradually brought us together as one was a sweet relief. A shuddered sigh escaped me as I took him in.

Our lips parted, and his gaze met mine. He smiled, and the creases around his eyes deepened as he stilled our bodies.

“What are you doing?” My skin was oversensitive, and my body ached for release.

“Taking my time,” he whispered and brought his mouth to my neck.

Making love to Ryan, having him in that small glimpse of reality, it had made time seem irrelevant. But watching him here, in this hospital bed, I wished that every second we had spent together would have lasted longer. That morning, after we’d been together, I’d been in a hurry. We both hadn’t felt well that week, so our moments together had all been short lived. I should have relished in it, in him. Instead, it had been a quick breakfast so I could get Beth ready for school and still make it to work on-time. It all seemed so stupid, so unimportant now. When we were together it was everything, and even though he took his time that day, it hadn’t been long enough.

The sun pooled on his bedding and cast the white walls of the room in a light glow. He shifted again and his eyes blinked open.

“Hey,” I whispered with a shy smile.

He licked his lips and smirked. “Good morning.”

“What’s that smirk for?” I asked and scooted closer to the bed.

“I was having a good dream.” He pushed the button on the side rail, keeping his eyes on mine as the head of the bed lifted.

I puffed out a laugh. “Oh yeah? Feel like sharing?”

The bed stopped moving. “I was having a very good dream actually, about you.”

My eyes widened. “Me?” I could feel the color fill my cheeks, and I was rewarded with a chuckle.

“Yes.”

“What were you dreaming about?” I asked and bit my lip as his smile turned up a notch.

“Our first night in Rialto.” His brown eyes drank me in, and it was the first flash of fire I’d seen in him since he’d gotten sick.

I scrunched my nose with an embarrassed grin and shook my head. “Leave it to a man to have a freaking sex dream the morning of his surgery.”

“It was a good dream.”

His smile was out full force, and it made my chest feel light. All the heaviness from the past week had taken up residence, and it felt good to have it disappear, even if it was only for a short while. I leaned over and reached out, running my hand through his hair. “It was a good weekend. After you’re better but before the baby gets here, we should go back.”

“I think I can make that happen.” He placed his palm on my cheek. “I feel really good today.” His brows pulled inward, and his eyes searched mine. “It’s going to be okay… I think.”

“It has to be.” My throat contracted, and my breathing increased as I tried not to cry.

“Hey.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips to my forehead. “It’s going to be okay,” he repeated his previous statement but with more conviction.

We stayed like that for what seemed like a long time. I’d moved to the bed and laid my head on his chest. It seemed like forever since I’d felt his full embrace, and today, if I closed my eyes, I could pretend like we were at home in my bed. A quiet knock on the door brought us back to the real world.

“Mom!” Beth’s voice echoed through the hospital room.

Cornelia was right behind her with an apologetic smile. “I texted you that we were here, but—”

“It’s okay.” I sat up and gave Beth a hug.

“Hey, Honey Bee.” Ryan’s voice was deep but bright, and Beth’s grin pulled into two huge dimples.

“Hi!” She giggled as Ryan ruffled the hair on the top of her head like he always did. “I’m starving.”

Ryan’s low laughter made Cornelia smile. “You’re always starving. I swear I just fed her before we left. I think she wants pancakes from the cafeteria.”

“I’ll order pancakes then. I can’t eat today, but someone should.” Ryan’s spirits were high, almost too high, and I wondered for the briefest of seconds if he was the one trying to be strong for me instead of the other way around.

He made good on his promise. He’d ordered pancakes, and Beth sat on his lap and ate every last bite from the tray on his bedside table. I picked at some of the fruit on her plate, but every time I thought of what was to come, the acid in my stomach swirled, so I just sipped at the apple juice he’d ordered for me instead. Ryan never once let his smile fall, and he never once let go of my hand except for when he’d been forced to. The morning got away from me too quickly, and before I knew it — it was time. Tony got there just as the cardiologist walked into the room to give us a rundown of what to expect.

I stood from Ryan’s bed and helped Beth down as well. “Hey, Bee, how about you go down to the gift shop with Cornelia and get some candy?”

Beth raised her eyebrows and nodded her head.

“Grab me something too while you’re down there.” Ryan looked at Beth with a serious expression. “I’m going to be hungry when I wake up, and they only let me eat Jell-O.”

“Only Jell-O?” She scowled and crinkled her nose.

He nodded.

“Okay.” She gave him a quick hug.

“Be good and listen to Mrs. Samson.” I eyed Cornelia, and she nodded her chin at me.

“Let’s go, Little Bee,” Cornelia said as she took her hand.

“I think I know exactly what candy he’d want. Mind if I join you?” Tony took Beth’s other hand in his and she giggled. “Good luck, son.” Tony gave Ryan a quick tilt of his head before they all left the room.

“What a beautiful family you have. You’re a lucky man.” The nurse gave Ryan a wide smile as she fiddled with his lines and unlocked the brakes to his bed.

“So about how long are you thinking, Dr. Cordova?” My voice quivered as everything around me started to close in.

“The surgery can take anywhere from three to six hours. He’s in good hands, Ms. Wright.” His smile was practiced as his eyes moved from me to Ryan. “We’re going to be as minimally invasive as possible.” He pulled his pen from his jacket and pointed it to the right side of his chest. “I’ll make a mini-incision just under your right pectoral. From there we gain access to the valve, and we’ll be able to replace it with a new one made of tissue. I think tissue for your case is better than the mechanical ones.”

“But don’t the mechanical ones last longer?” I asked.

“Maggie.” Ryan’s voice soothed me. He raised his hand seeking mine, and I laced my fingers with his. “Just listen.”

“I know you’re worried, but he’s young and strong. This is his best option. These replacements can last up to twenty years, maybe longer, if he takes care of himself.”

“Which I will.” Ryan tugged on my hand to get my attention. “I will, Maggie.”

“We’ll step out for a minute.” The doctor nodded his chin at the nurse, and she locked the brakes on his bed before they left.

All the anxiety bubbled up in my chest and broke through my lips in a soft sob. “Ryan, I’m terrified. I keep running through all the medical crap in my head, everything that can go wrong, and I’m—”

“Hey. It’s going to be okay, remember? You heard what he said. Piece of cake.” He framed my face with his hands. “I’m not going anywhere.”

He’d said it so much I started to take it for granted, and now that he was actually in danger of dying, I didn’t want to let go. My lips trembled as I brought them to his, and his thumbs wiped away my tears as I pulled away.

“I love you so much. Please, please…” I inhaled a desperate breath, “…please, just come back to me.”

“I left you something in the bedside table drawer.” He smiled so wide, his eyes lit. “I’ll see you in three to six hours.” He brought his lips to my ear and whispered, “I love you more than life, Maggie. More than life.”

It was a whirlwind of movement, a gust, and he was gone. He was escorted away by the OR staff, and once the door shut, I fell apart inside the blank and vacant space. I collapsed into the chair and sobbed, letting all the tears I’d been holding back flow. I cried so hard I felt like I was going to throw up; in fact, at one point, I actually did. It wasn’t until my eyes finally bled themselves dry that I remembered to look inside the drawer like Ryan had told me to. My fingers were unsteady as I pulled it open slowly, and just as he said, there was something inside waiting. The letter was folded, and I could see the impressions of ink through the thin white paper. I lifted it from the drawer like it was a precious piece of art, a long lost relic, or a dying man’s last words.

Once I opened it, my eyes scanned the familiar handwriting. It was messier than usual, and I imagined his hand had been shaking as he wrote it.

Maggie,

I once lived a life that I could be proud of and I had so much to give. I got lost in between the past and present. Purgatory, Maggie. I was in the dark. When I first saw Beth that day in the street, and she reminded me so much of what I used to have, it hurt, it hurt so fucking bad, but I felt it. I felt something. She was the first piece of light I’d had in a decade, and then there was you. Your light, Maggie, it burned, but I had to look, I had to feel it. You gave me the greatest gift. You showed me who I could be again. You took me in and lit me on fire, and because of you, I’ve had a moment to live again. You’ve given me back my pride, and you’ve shown me how to rebuild my life. There isn’t a chance in hell I won’t make my way back to you… in this life or in the next if that’s the course I’m on.