Sacred Hart (23 page)

“Can we fix it?” I asked.

He looked at me like he wasn’t sure, and everything started to spin again. The meds the nurse gave me made things fuzzy. I wasn’t ready to fade yet. I wanted answers. I wanted to know if I could be here for Maggie. If I’d get to meet my child.

“That’s where I come in.” His smile returned, and it eased a bit of my anxiety. “I think we can get you stable enough for surgery, and if we can get those valves repaired, it will give you more time.”

Time.

“The damage to your heart was extensive, and eventually, the valves we place will need to be replaced, but not for at least twenty years. Let’s just focus on getting you better now.” He tapped his finger on my chart with three rapid successions before he turned to leave.

“How long till I have the surgery?” I asked as he opened the door.

“Let’s see what the week brings. I’ll have a better answer after a few days.” He nodded his head at me and disappeared through the door.

“Do you want some ice chips?” the young nurse asked. Her name badge was brand new, the name Taylor was scrolled across it in large black letters. I assumed she was fresh out of college.

“That would be great.” I gave her a smile, and she left the room.

“Are you scared?” Maggie’s blue eyes dimmed. The stress of the day had painted dark circles around her eyes.

“I’m terrified.”

The honesty lingered in the silent air. She scooted her chair closer to the bed and leaned down, resting her cheek in my lap. My life had done a complete one-eighty. Less than six months ago… I would have welcomed death. I would have clung to Belle and never looked back. I had everything to lose now, and as my fingers ran through Maggie’s hair with her even breaths rising and falling against me, I prayed for the first time since Belle died. I thanked God for giving me Belle and for letting me have the closure that had been stolen from us. I asked him to give the life growing inside Maggie strength and health. I closed my eyes, and the silky strands of her hair soothed me as I asked God for one more thing.

I asked for time…

I prayed for each second, each year, but as I repeated the prayer over and over again in my head, I began to beg.

I begged…

For smiles.

For late nights.

For Monday mornings.

For stolen touches.

I begged for every second…

I begged for life.

The sand castle was lopsided, but Belle’s excitement was worth every ounce of grit I’d swallowed in the process. The sun was beating down on my back as I tried to recreate the princess castle she’d seen on one of her cartoon shows. Her giggle made me smile as a portion of the castle fell apart. My shitty attempt at construction would have made my father cringe. The sand was losing its moisture under the summer heat, making it next to impossible to keep the walls together.

“I think this is as good as it gets, Birdie.”

She stood up, hands and knees covered in sand, and smiled. She grabbed her bucket and handed it to me. “It not done, Daddy.”

I chuckled and moved to my feet. My hands wrapped around her little waist as I lifted her up and over my shoulders. She squealed as I situated her so she could sit comfortably. It was time for a distraction, and it was time to cool down. “Ready for a swim.”

She gripped her hands in my hair as I started to move. She shrieked as I began to run toward the water, and I could picture her face — a bit of fear mixed with a ton of exhilaration. She was my little dare devil, and as my feet hit the water, she was practically jumping up and down on my shoulders.

“Ready?” I asked with a grin.

“Ready, go!” she shouted as I reached up and grabbed her hands.

“One, two, three.”

I sank to my knees and fell backward, pulling us both under the water. It wasn’t for more than two seconds, but every time, she’d come up gasping and giggling for more. I repeated this motion a few times until she had enough and was ready to just swim. She was only three, but Birdie held her own. I was teaching her, showing her how to float, and she was pretty damn good at it. It was days like this, when it was just her and me, I wished I had more time…

“Ryan.” Maggie’s soft voice surrounded me.

The weight of her hand on my shoulder pulled me from my dream. Ever since my heart attack, every dream I had was of Belle. My dreams were in full color, and all the happy memories I’d repressed, flooded my mind. The reasoning behind my recent awareness I couldn’t explain, but I was thankful for it.

“Ryan, Tony’s here to see you.”

The light of the hospital room seeped into my vision as I slowly opened my eyes. I wet my lips and took a deep breath gathering myself.

Maggie pressed her lips to my cheek and smiled against my skin. “You slept the afternoon away.”

“How long have you been here?” I asked through the gravel in my throat.

Maggie stood and grabbed my water mug off the bedside table. She handed it to me with a lopsided smile. I sipped from the straw deeply like I hadn’t had a drink in days. “Just got off shift. I was about to leave, but this guy showed up.” She pointed her thumb over her shoulder, and I heard Tony’s deep laugh.

“You still look like shit,” he said as he gave me a smart ass smile.

“I still feel like shit.” I handed Maggie my mug and pressed the button to raise the head of the bed. The momentum, though slow, still made me dizzy.

I was having surgery in two days. I’d been in the hospital for almost a week, and I was ready to get my ass out of this place. I hated watching Maggie worry. She worked and then came up to my room immediately after. It was like she never left the place, and it made me feel guilty. I wasn’t sure how much time I had left or if this surgery, which the doctors had assured me would go smoothly, would really work, but I could see what it was doing to Maggie, and I didn’t like it.

“It’s good to see you,” Tony said as he made his way to one of the extra chairs.

I nodded, but my attention moved to Maggie as she rearranged a few of my IV lines. “Stop it.” The words were more abrupt than I’d planned on. “You’re off duty.” I smiled in an attempt to soften the effect of my tone.

Her brow furrowed, and her lips fixed in a straight line. “Ryan, I — it’s how I cope.”

Tony stopped mid-step. “I’m going to grab a cup of coffee. I’ll be right back.” His smile was forced as he left the room.

Once the hospital door snapped shut, the air filled with a heavy silence. Maggie stared at the bed, and I struggled to find the right words to say.

“Ryan, I’m scared, and I want to help you.”

“Come here.” I patted the side of the bed, and she sat next to me as I took her hand in mine. “I don’t like being a burden, and I don’t like causing you so much stress, especially now that you’re pregnant. I want you here every second of every damn day, but I can’t ask that of you, and you shouldn’t expect yourself to keep up this pace. At some point, you have to go home.”

“I go home… all the time.”

I cocked my eyebrow and she smirked.

“Okay, maybe not all of the time, but I like being here, it’s how I make it through the day, knowing I’ll be here with you.” She squeezed my hand, and my eyes fell to our connected fingers.

“When I was in prison, Maggie, I pushed my parents away. I stopped taking their letters, and I wouldn’t let them visit. I didn’t want to be the black mark on their lives. My shame… it was all on me, and now, I can see how my sickness has taken its toll on you. It’s hard for me to see you giving up—”

“I’m not giving up anything. And you’re not allowed to push me away. You have surgery in less than two days. This is where I live until then.” She pursed her lips, and it almost made me laugh despite the seriousness of the conversation.

“You’re stubborn.” I smiled, and the set of her shoulders relaxed. She’d won the argument.

“Besides, I’m actually going home tonight. Cornelia is at the house with Beth. She has plans in the morning and can’t watch her overnight, so you can expect us here a little after breakfast.” She leaned down and kissed me. The warmth of her lips eased my concerns temporarily. She released her hand from mine and framed my face as she pulled away. The blue hue in her irises seemed lighter than they had been just three seconds ago. “Just let me take care of you, Ryan.” She swallowed, and her eyes began to fill with tears. “I know everything will be fine, but the what-ifs, they’re filling my head with poison, and being here with you helps me not go crazy. I need this. I need you.”

“I need you, too.” My hands held the back of her head, and my fingers tangled in her blonde hair as I brought our lips together in a deep kiss. Our mouths parted and our eyes met. I was trying to isolate myself, trying to fall back into old habits, and Maggie knew it… I couldn’t hide from her. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Her brows knit together as she gave me a lopsided grin.

“For taking care of me.”

Her features softened, and her smile grew. “You’re welcome.”

She kissed me again before she stood, and the taste of apples lingered on my lips. “You know, when I first kissed you, I thought you tasted like apples because you’d eaten that pie I’d made, and maybe I’m crazy, but every time I kiss you, it’s all I taste.”

Another heart breaking smile broke across her face. “I think you’re crazy.” She shook her head.

I chuckled. “Maybe.”

I was in a hospital bed, trying to be stabilized for heart surgery, but I couldn’t wipe the smirk off my face.

Maggie always made things… better.

She shook her head again and grabbed her bag. She paused with her back turned to me. “Do you think… I mean… would you want your parents to know you’re here?”

The light feeling I had fell to the floor with a violent crash.

“They wouldn’t even know who I was anymore, Maggie.” I clenched my jaw and the pressure in my chest suffocated me. I’d turned my parents into strangers.

Maggie’s posture wilted as she turned to look at me. Fresh tears were welling in her eyes as she asked, “You truly believe that?” Her tone suggested otherwise.

“I chose to leave everything behind. I chose to exclude them from my life… I wouldn’t even know where to begin.” That bridge had burned, rotted, and turned to ash.

“They’re your parents, Ryan.”

Tony walked through the door with a cup of coffee and a donut between his teeth. Maggie’s laugh broke the awkward moment, and Tony shrugged his shoulders. He took the chocolate glazed donut from his mouth. “I was going to sneak you one, kid, but I figured Maggie would’ve had my ass.”

“That’s for sure.” Her smile was broad as she leaned over to whisper in my ear. “I love you, Ryan Hartford, but maybe it’s time for a little absolution.” Her lips brushed across mine one last time before she stood to leave. “Just think about it?”

I nodded. “I’ll see you in the morning?”

“Yes, Beth has half day tomorrow, so I’m going to let her play hooky.”

She gave Tony a hug, and just before she left, she mouthed the words, “I love you.”

The sterile scent of the room hung in the air as Tony rattled on about the diner. The pale white walls were starting to get to me. The off-colored green blanket was over washed and stiff and made my skin itch every time my arms touched it. The always present beep of the monitor seemed louder today. Instead of the white noise it normally created, I started to notice each variation of sound. When Tony said something funny to make me laugh, it would move faster, and when I was still, it would beat so slow it frightened me. It made me wonder when it would decide to stop, and each time the thought crossed my mind, the monitor would pick up the unsteady rhythm and the nurse would come in. Five times. I’d counted. The nurse had come in five times since Tony had been here. This last time she told me I needed to get some rest.

“I think I better let you get the sleep you need, son.” Tony exhaled and ran his fingers through his thin gray hair.

My mouth felt dry from nerves, so I wet my lips with my tongue. “Before you go, I want to ask you something.”

“This sounds serious.” He chuckled as he inched to the edge of his chair.

“Is it normal, when you’re close to death, to dream about people who have died?” My voice wavered as I tried to swallow down my tension.

“What do you mean?” Tony’s smile fell and his brows furrowed.

“When I had my heart attack, I saw my daughter and it felt like I was in heaven. She showed me some things, my future I think, but ever since then, all I’ve done is dream about her. Good things. All the shit I pushed away, Tony, it’s coming back to me, and I think it’s because I’m going to die.” The pain in my throat burned as I fought to keep it together.

“You saw Belle?”