Rush Into You (26 page)

“I wouldn’t be babysitting you. I want to do it. I loved falling asleep beside you and waking up in the morning with you.”

“Are you really ready to take on the responsibility of being with a crazy person?”

“Stop calling yourself crazy. I wish you’d just tell me what the hell happened to you. I know I can’t fix it, but I can at least help you out by being there for you,” Ryker begged.

“You’ll look at me differently if you know the truth,” I whispered. “I won’t see that spark in your eyes when you look at me. You’ll end up feeling bad for me, or just completely hating me.”

“Well, can you at least talk to a professional about whatever is going on if you’re not ready to talk to me?” he asked sincerely.

“They don’t help! I tried to talk to doctors before, but they treated me just like everyone else did. My entire city turned against me. Half the time the adults were worse than the kids. Those doctors that sign confidentiality agreements? That’s bullshit. They were the biggest gossipers of them all, telling the other adults every single thing I fucking said, then they would tell their kids. They used my own words against me. The doctor denied telling anyone what we’d discussed, but I knew it was bullshit. Needless to say, that was the last ‘professional’ I saw.”

“I get it. You’re scared. I want you Gabby, but this secret that you have…it’s destroying you. It’s making you push me away. I’m not going to run out on you when I know the truth. I’m in this too deep for that.”

“You say that now,” I countered, fighting my tears. I was so sick of crying over my past. I just wanted to move on. As much as it hurt, I knew what he was saying was true. He had opened up to me, and I’d repaid him by shutting him out. I owed it to him to tell him the truth. I owed it to us.

“Here’s the deal….I’m going to give you some time to think about what you want to do. I’m not running, I’m just giving you space. I’ll come back to you the second you call me, I won’t be far, but I think you need some time to yourself to make this decision. I want to be with you, Gabby, but I want all of you. Your past is a part of you, and if we’re going to make a future together you’re going to have to work on letting me into your past. I’m not asking you to put everything out there right away, but give me something, babe. Whatever happened to you, we’ll get through it together.”

“I’m just upset Ryker. I don’t really want you to leave.”

“I know, babe. I’m just going home for the night, that’s all. I’m not leaving you. We’re still us. Like I said, you call me, and I’ll be here. I don’t want you to regret telling me what happened because I pressured you into it, but, if you want to be with me as I want to be with you, then we can’t keep doing this shit for years to come. And I plan on being with you for years, Gabby. You’re my girl. Always. And no fucked up past is going to change that.”

Ryker pulled back and looked at me seriously. “I could tell you were different from the very beginning. When I saw you for the first time at Max’s, sitting at the bar fiddling with your phone, I knew I needed to talk to you. I didn’t really give a shit about girls. I only wanted them for sex and nothing more.”

His hands squeezed my hips. “I won’t lie, I definitely thought about having sex with you. That was the first thought that popped into my head when I saw you. I wanted to know what you looked like naked. All I could imagine was ripping your fucking clothes off with my teeth and finding out how many ways I could make you bend for me. But when you looked at me, I could see the pain in your eyes, and I knew you didn’t need that shit from me.”

I remembered that night so well. I knew the pain that I was in, and could picture the pain that was in my eyes.

“I sure as hell wasn’t trying to be your white knight, riding in to fix you, but I wanted to be there. I still want to be there for you. I want to try and take away that pain that’s inside you. I still see that haunted look in your eyes sometimes. I can’t even guess what goes on in your head but after what happened tonight? Fuck, Gabby. You could’ve been killed! I didn’t think I’d be able to get you away from that truck in time. I wanted to kill Keith for setting you off like that, but I still don’t know what happened between you two. I need you to talk to me, even a little. I need you to give me something. You need to let me in.”

Ryker leaned down and kissed me on my lips. He meant it to be a simple yet loving peck on the lips, but I wanted more. I wrapped my arm behind his neck and pulled him into me, desperate. I kissed him long and hard, telling him everything with that kiss; showing him how much I loved him and how much I wanted us to work. His hands gripped my shoulders, gently pushing me away. He kissed my forehead, then took a step backward, his stare locked on mine. Ryker walked out the door, and when it shut behind him, I dropped to my knees on the hard tiled floor.

AFTER RYKER HAD left last night, I kept replaying the night over and over in my head.

I wished I’d had the courage to give him the answers to all his questions.

I wished I’d been strong enough to trust that he would stay with me.

I wished I’d been strong enough to give him his own choice whether he stayed or left.

I’d told him to leave last night, and it killed me when I’d said it. I hadn’t meant it, and I think he knew that, but he’d left anyway. It killed me when he’d walked out my front door, it absolutely broke me, but I knew it was no one’s fault except my own.

After hours of tears, I’d eventually cried myself to sleep.

I’d woken up screaming at the top of my lungs this morning. My heart was banging around inside my chest a mile a minute, and it felt like there was a cracked out jackhammer pounding away, trying its hardest to escape through each layer of bone and muscle. I’d pushed my hair off my face and cringed at the feel of my clammy hands. A cold sweat covered my skin, and my hair was damp—it was disgusting. My teeth were chattering, and I pulled the blanket tightly around me, but I couldn’t get warm.

Last night’s nightmare was worse than anything I’d had in a while. Every night was bad, but the nightmare I’d just experienced was horrible. I dreamed what I always did, but everything was extra vivid. My nightmare was a combination of actual memories and added horror. I saw the accident play out detail for detail, and saw the dead bodies that I saw every night, but last night those dead bodies spoke to me. Kasey Jacobs, Madison Monray, and the Rayburns all opened their eyes and stared directly at me, yelling that everything was my fault. They screamed that I was a murderer and that I would pay for my crime. There was an extra person in my nightmare, but I couldn’t make out the face. There was just an additional dead body laying off in the distance, far away from the realistic zombies of my nightmare. I tried to run to the person and find out who it was. I wanted to find out what happened. I never made it.

I didn’t know what it meant. I didn’t know why the nightmare I had every night for years would finally change so drastically now. I got out of bed with an unsettled feeling in my stomach, and a deep sense of foreboding.

I shuffled to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee, and was shocked when I saw what time it was. 12:47pm. I had a hard time believing I’d slept that many hours and went to check the time on my cell phone, thinking the stove clock must be wrong, but it wasn’t. I really had slept late.

As I drank my coffee, I stared down at the light liquid in thought. A sad smile touched my lips when I remembered sharing coffee with Ryker in the morning.

My cell phone rang, and I saw that my mother was calling. Guilt instantly flooded me. I had forgotten all about our planned meeting for lunch today. With everything that had happened last night, and sleeping so late this morning, meeting with her had completely slipped my mind. I felt horrible.

I swiped my phone to answer the call. “Hey.”

“Gabriella, I’m so excited to see you. I’m on my way now.”

My mom’s voice was cheerful, and it made me happy and broke my heart all at the same time. I was happy that she was happy, but I also wondered if maybe I’d called her too soon. I’d thought that I was at a good enough point in my life where I could try and build on the relationship that I’d destroyed, but after last night’s incident, I was afraid I may have been wrong. I wanted her to see that I was doing okay and that I was happy, but my mother would know something was up the second she saw me. All the years I’d spent away from her wouldn’t have diminished her mommy radar. She’d know that I was upset. I had been looking forward to telling her about Ryker, and had hoped that they’d get a chance to meet. Now, that wasn’t going to happen.

“I can’t wait to see you, Ma.” I tried to make my voice sound cheerful like hers, but I knew I’d failed miserably.

“What’s wrong, Gabby?”

I smiled, knowing I was right about her mommy radar. “I just had a bad sleep, that’s all.”

All of a sudden, I realized that I wasn’t going to have a ride to meet her at the restaurant. “Oh, no!”

“What? What!” My mother sounded frantic.

“Oh, Mom. Gosh, I’m an idiot. I don’t even have a ride to meet you.”

“It’s okay, baby, I’ll come to you. I’d love to see where you’re living anyway.”

“Are you sure?”

“More than sure. I’d actually prefer just going to your home and spending time with you.”

I gave her my address. She’d be here in about thirty minutes. After we’d said our goodbyes, I drained the remaining sips of my now warm coffee and rushed into the bathroom. I had to hurry up and get ready before she got here. I wanted to look presentable and not like I just rolled out of bed.

I was trying to apply a coat of mascara in the last few minutes before my mother was due to arrive, but it looked horrible because of how swollen my eyes were. It was nearly impossible to make my eyes look good because of the amount I’d cried last night, and my lack of sleep. Between the two things, my eyes looked like shit. They were red and puffy, and no amount of makeup was going to cover that up.

Three firm knocks sounded on my front door, and I knew it was my mother. I threw my makeup in my cosmetics bag and took one last look in the mirror, but there was nothing I could do to fix my face now. She was going to know something was up whether I told her or not.

I walked quickly to the door with my heart pounding from nerves. I opened it up and almost dropped to my knees. My mother was still the most delightful and loving person in the world. I looked at her from head to toe, love filling my heart so much that it hurt. She looked as beautiful as ever. Her hair was as dark and chocolatey as mine, but she had golden highlights throughout her shorter haircut. Where my hair was long and wavy down my back, she kept hers cut above her shoulders in stylish layers.

She’d always had great clothes, and today was no different. My mother was wearing the softest looking cashmere sweater in a beautiful shade of coral with fitted, dark-denim jeans. Her outfit was complete with a pair of black leather ankle boots. Her makeup was minimal but perfect, and her jewelry was simple. Gold hoops adorned her ears, and the diamond engagement ring and matching wedding band my father bought her over two decades ago still graced her left hand.

My mom was stunning, but the tired look in her eyes couldn’t be disguised. It was a fatigue that had set deep in her bones. Her eyes were still a gorgeous blue, though they didn’t sparkle as I remembered. That was something I wanted to fix.

It was something I needed to fix.

I couldn’t believe I’d walked away from this woman. In that moment, I knew I needed my mom and she needed me.

She closed the distance between us and her arms wrapped around me as she rocked me slightly and stroked my hair, uttering soothing words in my ear. I squeezed her closer to me, not wanting to break the comfort she’d brought me with her presence.

“Oh, Mommy!” I cried, melting into her.

“I’m here, sweetie. Come on, let’s sit down.” She pulled away slightly, but kept her arm wrapped around my shoulders as she led me through my home. Although she had never been here before, she navigated my house as if she’d built it and there wasn’t a single hitch in her step as she guided me into the living room. I sat on my couch, and her motherly instincts made her place a fluffy throw blanket over me even though I was capable of doing it myself. She got up without a word and went to my kitchen, then returned a moment later with a can of soda for me.