RULES OF LOVE (A Navy SEALs Romance) (57 page)

“It’s him, isn’t it?” he asked at last.

What?” I looked up, not the least bit surprised he knew what was going on.

“Are you…” he mumbled, “having an affair with him?”

“No. Never,” I said. I was angry now. “How could you think that of me?”

I moved to stand up and leave, but he stopped me. “Please. I’m sorry. Sit down,” he said quietly. “I didn’t mean that. I mean, when you love someone, your thoughts get crazy sometimes. You know?”

There was knowledge in his eyes, the kind of look you get when you know who you are and exactly what you want. I wanted to deny the truth, to pretend his eyes didn’t tell me that he meant what he said. That he loved me.

I wanted to fall off my chair with guilt. I shook my head, looking down. “Oh no…” I muttered. “Oh no, oh no.”

“Oh no what?” he asked, an edge of hurt to his voice. “You couldn’t possibly not know that I love you.”

The room was spinning. I wanted to get up and leave. I didn’t foresee this being so bad.

“Well, it actually is
a surprise to me,” I said. I had known he had feelings for me, but love was a bit strong. I hadn’t known him more than a year. I pictured all of those nights sitting in the waiting room, doing paperwork together. Laughing over coffee. Running around the city together. It suddenly made sense, that look in his eyes whenever he’d see me. And now, the look of pain and sacrifice.

Love. That was a strong word, after all, an emotion I could say I only felt for a handful of people on this earth. Like Billy.

No. Not like Billy
, I scolded myself.

I looked out the window. I imagined all of the times we spent in this area, having fun and passing time. Really, that’s all I was doing with him. Passing time. My eyes welled up with tears of hurt and guilt. Who had I become?

“You’re a great friend, Kent. The best I’ve honestly ever had. But…”

“Here it comes. The ‘but’ part. Just give it to me straight,” he said urgently.

I took a deep breath, my voice shaking. Knowing you were about to destroy someone with your words was never fun. I tried avoiding it at all costs in my life, but unfortunately, it was sometimes a necessary evil.

“I just don’t feel the spark,” I confessed.

His face was tight with hurt. Each of the words made his head droop lower and lower. Tears welled up in his eyes. He wiped them and tightened his jaw. He was too proud to cry in front of me.

“You’re a great friend, too,” he said, his voice shaking. “I enjoy having you as a friend and colleague, but I honestly wanted more. Is this really what you want?”

Oh no. The bargaining phase of denial. I wanted to run away, far away. Hurting him was not part of my plan. Even now, he was so calm. He had such great composure. I took his hand, and he accepted it, squeezing mine. “Never mind. I always knew you didn’t feel that way about me. I just needed to know for sure,” he said at last. “When you invited me here, I knew it was over. But it never really began, did it?”

His eyes looked so sad. I wished I could go into his brain and turn off his feelings for me. I wished we didn’t have to hurt people we cared about so deeply.

“I know it’s cliché to say it isn’t you, it’s me, but that’s really the case here. You’re incredible, but I just don’t see you as more than a good friend,” I said. “I don’t know if it’s too much to ask, but could we be friends one day?”

He smiled grimly. “I don’t think that’s out of the realm of possibilities, but I need some space. I’ll call you in a couple of weeks.” He got up, very business-like. He left money on the table for the coffee and a tip. “I don’t meant to be rude and leave you here, but it’s too painful for me to stay any longer.” His voice was trembling.

I nodded, tears welling up in my eyes. “Thanks for the coffee.”

He left without another word. The people next to us stared rudely. “Fuck it,” I muttered. I got up and left, too. The wind whipped through my hair as I stepped outside, and the city suddenly looked big and cold. I felt good about myself for the first time in a while, though, because this was the first ‘right thing’ I’d done in a couple of months.

A feeling of freedom came over me because I was being authentic. I wasn’t hiding anything from myself. Now that this was done, I had to refer Billy to someone else. The money was great and I was in love, but this was wrong. I would just have to bring myself to do it…somehow.

Next session. That’s right.
I tried to ignore the fact that I sounded like an addict who was going to use their drug of choice for the last time.

But I’m not an addict. I’m a trained professional.

I opened the notebook I had with me, looking at all the notes about Billy. I might as well have drawn hearts and flowers all over them, because they weren’t coherent. Good thing it was Saturday, because I needed to be alone. I couldn’t see any patients. I had to sort this out in my head

I took the train, not really sure where I was going. I wanted to lose myself in the murmur of the people with their lives so different from mine, their lives encased in endless stories. If I could close my eyes, maybe I could fade into a situation that was different. Maybe I would open them and I wouldn’t be helplessly in love with Billy the Billionaire. I wouldn’t have just broken my best friend’s heart. Maybe.

When I got off the train, Billy’s eyes met mine. The billboard still featured him. I couldn’t help but smile.

BILL

Coming home was cold. The weather was frigid, and so was my heart. Katie had kept her guard up our entire time together, and I understood why. She was a good person who had a hard time crossing the line. I was glad we hadn’t. I had no intention of hurting Fiona like that. I could be a dog—I could flirt and look, but I’d never crossed that line in my life. And I’d had opportunities. So many floozies and hussies throw themselves at you when you have money, pulling up their skirts, trying to give you a whiff of their garter belts. I could see through it, luckily. Only because I was street smart, though. I knew well that I was not as smart as the doc said I was.

I wasn’t sure what my actual intentions were. I’d never been so swept off my feet in my life, not since Sophia. I cared for Fiona, and she was a lot more than a warm body to me. She could be kind, sexy, good. I thought she could be everything at one point, but lately, she’d been distant… like she was hiding something. And Katie? Well, Katie was a different story. Off-limits.

How come I couldn’t get her out of my head, then? The image of Katie in her purple skirt kept flickering into my mind. I imagined her at the beach, the sun fading in her beautiful brown eyes, making them a crisp golden color. I remembered the safety I felt, the lack of shame. No one had ever made me feel the way she did, and it wasn’t because she was my therapist.

I wondered where she was and what she was doing. My thoughts often drifted to her when I saw something I thought she’d like. I always heard that people in love felt like their other half was in everything and everywhere, but it was really true. She was.

The night she’d been in the suite, I could have sworn I heard a vibrator. I’d tried to push my ear up against the door without being too obvious, but the wood was too thick and I could barely hear the hum of cars outside. I’d jerked myself off feverishly in the shower, nearly crying from the frustration and tension.

Snow drifted by my window as I looked out at the city, a place that had become my home. For the first time in a long time, I felt a wave of safety wash over me. Some of the symptoms of my panic had faded, and I didn’t even need to take a pill. I’d been trying to meditate and do my ‘homework’ assignments. There was a knock at my door, and I didn’t jump. Not one bit, which was wonderful. I turned around, totally calm and poised. The Billy the Billionaire kind of poise that I had missed.

“Come in,” I said. I cleared my throat.

It was the kid, the one I’d almost slugged in the bathroom. I rarely felt embarrassed, but that’s what I felt now. “Mr. Carson,” he said nervously. “I have our annual report for you f-from accounting.”

I smiled warmly at him. He loosened up a bit, surprised by my friendliness. “Please, sit down. I was hoping to get the chance to talk to you.”

“D-did I do something wrong, sir?” he asked. His voice cracked.

“No. Not at all.”

He looked around my office, wide-eyed and inexperienced.

“I have a son around your age,” I began. “And I’ve always taught him to apologize when he did something wrong.”

“Oh yeah? That’s good,” the kid replied. He clearly had no idea what to say to me.

“I’m sorry about a few weeks ago in the bathroom. I wasn’t myself. Are we cool?” I asked.

He looked surprised, but a small smile rushed across his face. “Of course. It’s okay. No need to apologize.”

“Oh, but there is a need. Just because I’m the head honcho doesn’t mean I’m allowed to be an asshole. Although, I do think you have to be somewhat of an asshole in order to be the head of anything. But never forget your heart. Don’t forget that,” I said.

His face was glowing. He put the report on my desk. “Is there anything else I can do for you, sir?”

“No. Just take an extra hour for lunch.” I threw twenty bucks at him. “On me. Consider it damages.”

He nodded quietly, grinned at me, and said, “Thank you! I will.”

He left me to my thoughts. I felt a surge of happiness. I was glad I made that right. I showed a side of myself to him that was vulnerable, but I was starting to learn that it was okay to be vulnerable sometimes. My heart was starting to heal.

Fiona:
What time are you gonna be home tonight?

I thought it odd. She never asked this question.

B. Carson:
The usual. See you then babe.

Fiona:
K.
Don’t rush home or anything. I’m cooking dinner. It’ll be ready late
.

So many alarm bells went off in my mind. Why was she telling me this? What was her fucking problem lately? I tried to calm these thoughts. It wasn’t actually that weird of a question for her to ask. Lately, I’d had a lot of weird instincts about things. She had nagged me too much on my trip. She had nagged me in a way that made me think she was up to something. The easiest way to see someone’s intentions is to figure out what they think yours are.

She’d maxed out another credit card. Hard to believe, because how could one broad spend that much money? The other two were maxed out, and there were hefty debt limits on them. It was hard to keep up with her wants and needs, but she always made me feel loved. Made sure that home was comfortable. When I’d first met her, I was so flattered to have the affections of a younger woman that I didn’t ask too many questions. My mind was bleeding and weak from losing Sophia, but I was waking up from my fugue state.

Waking up never felt so good—like a cold splash of water to my face after a long drunken night. With this realization came a lot of pain, though. Life wasn’t as good or simple as I once thought. Getting what I wanted in the business world was so damn easy, but figuring other things out never seemed to work. Until now, anyway.

“I guess seeing a shrink can actually help,” I said to myself. I looked at my picture frame, a picture of Zach and me. Suddenly, I wanted to speak to him. Where had the time gone? Before I knew it, he’d be going off to college. He was my family, my son, and my best friend, despite everything else. Feeling so strongly about Katie had made me realize that, and though we could never be together, I was happy to feel like me again.

It hit me then, sitting quietly in my office. I loved Katie. I loved someone I could never have. The sorrow of this, mixed with my own guilt, nearly brought me to my knees. I fumbled on my laptop, trying to immerse myself in my latest business deal gone right, one I couldn’t have gotten right without her.

“Okay, Billy. Talk out loud to yourself. You’re being ridiculous and irrational. All is well. She’s your shrink. Fiona is your fiancée. It’ll be okay.”

Talking to myself didn’t work this time. I just felt crazy. I wondered if it would ever work. Likely not—this was some quacky shit. So I tried to mediate. I leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes. I breathed slowly and imagined myself on a beach, but thoughts of Katie flooded my mind.

“Damn it,” I said.

I pulled up her therapist profile online. A pretty picture of Katie popped up, the first one I’d ever seen. Her hair was pulled back and her glasses were on. Was I being obsessive? Maybe a little bit.
Shit. Shit. Shit.

I should never have taken her on that fucking trip. I mean… damn, how hot was she? I could never get a sushi model with Fiona. She’d claw the girl’s eyes out. But Katie? There was something sexy about her confidence and open-mindedness. Was I comparing them now? Fuck.

I reached for the phone and dialed Zach, who would be out of his program. He didn’t exactly attend a regular school. He was in an online program that met twice a week. The program was for gifted students. I didn’t believe in having him sit through the drudgery of high school. I’d hated that experience and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. The phone rang a few times before he finally picked up.

“Dad?” he asked. He was starting to sound like me.

“What’s up, champ?” I asked.