Ruining Me (24 page)

He holds his hand out and I look down into his palm.  Multi-colored pills fill it.  He brings them to my mouth, but I turn my head away and he laughs. 
His voice whispers,
“I can wait.”

The sound of my phone vibrating wakes me from sleep in the morning.  Rolling around I see that Kane is not beside me.  I grab my phone to read my new text
message
.

Kane – Need to get to work early.  Didn’
t want to wake you.  We’ll
talk later.

Not wanting to think about last night, I get up and dress quickly for school just throwing on some skinny jeans and shirt.  I can’t imagine what Kane thinks about me.  My mind refuses to go there.  Too much, way too fast it screams at me. Running downstairs I grab my book bag and head out the door.

Molly is waiting
alone
for me in the parking lot when I get to school.  She smiles at me when I
step
out of my car. 

“I’m a shit.”  She says and continues, “I shouldn’t have read your note.  It wasn’t any of my business and I’m sorry.” 

“I’m sorry too Mols, but I need you to know that that note wasn’t from Rhye.  I’m sorry if I mislead you or Reed into thinking that was who wrote it.”  I could tell she was confused because of the look on her face.
  “Listen I’ve got way bigger problems this morning and I may need
your
help.”

“What is it Jay?  You know I am here for you.” 

Looking into her eyes
,
I see that statement to be true. 
“Okay, just hear
me out and then help me figure out what I am going to do.”  I tell her about
JT
’s
and my
conversation and then everything that happened last night with Kane and Rhye.  When I finally finish she looks at me and places her head in her hands.

“This is all
my fault.  I shouldn’t have reacted like that yesterday and damn Reed for saying anything to JT.”

“Mols, it’s okay.  I just have to figure out what I am going to do about
all of
them.”

“Who do you want to be with?”

“See that’s the problem. 
I thought I was over
JT
and now I know I’m not, but I’m also in love with Kane.  He makes me feel safe and he doesn’t represent anything from my past like
JT
does.  When I look at
JT
,
I think about what we used to have, but when I see Kane I know what I want now.  I feel like I owe
JT
a chance for us, but Kane says I don’t.
  I’m just so confused.”

“Jay you can’t do this to JT.  He will not survive losing you again.  I can tell you really care about Kane and trust me girl I’ve seen him and know why you feel that way, but part of me feels that if you think there is any chance for you and
JT
,
then
you owe
him
that.  I’m sorry, but that’s how I feel.  He loves you so much Jay.  Think about what you have put him through?”

I know what she is saying.  I hear someone call my name and I look up.  Walking towards me is the reason I am feeling so conflicted. 
JT
has on a pair of faded jeans and t-shirt
with the school logo on it.  He also has the
biggest smile I have ever seen. 

Molly pats my arm and says, “Think of that little boy from kindergarten that told you he was going to marry you one day and always
stayed true to that.”  She walks
away smiling at
JT.

“I’m not sure what to do Jay.  My arms ache to pull you to me right now.  I want to kiss you in front of everyone and claim you, but I’m kind-of lost as to
what you want me to do.”  He
stops in front of me and
cro
sses his arms against his chest. 
 

“We take
it
slow and one day at a time.  No fighting, yeah I know about you and Rhye.  He came to the house last night.  Don’t ask me about Kane and I will not talk to him about you.”
  I still need time to figure out what I was going to do, but Molly was right.  I can’t keep hurting
JT
and telling him that I am going to be with Kane would kill him.

“Alright Jay, we
’ll
play this your way.  Can I walk you to class?” 

“Lead the way,” I say to him and smile. 

He wraps his arm around my shoulder and we walk towards the school.  I see the surprised looks as we pass students and teachers.  A group of young freshman girls actually giggle
and stare as
we walk by.

JT
laughs and turns his face toward mine.  “Can you imagine all the gossip by lunch time?”

“Ugh, I don’t want to think about it. 
The rumor mill will probably have me pregnant with your baby.”

“I’ll confirm that the twins are due in the spring,” he jokes and kisses my cheek.

“Well you better get that f
ootball scholarship so
you make it to the big
time
to support us.”  I nudge his ribs with my elbow. 

We arrive at my first period class and
Cal
just happens to be at the door.  He smiles when he sees us together. 

“What do we have here?  It can’t be my two favorite people actually getting along and not fighting?  The world is surely coming to an end.”  He slaps
JT
playfully on the arm.  “Coach wants us to meet with him next period.”

“I’ll be there,”
JT
replies and turns
away from
Cal
toward me.  “See you at lunch?”

“Sure,” I said as I
turn away and head into class. 
Cal
comes in after me and sits right by me.  He’s grinning from ear to ear.  I can’t help asking
him, “Why are you smiling?”

“All is right in the world.  What’s not to be happy about?”

I shake my head.  His happiness is infectious
, but it doesn’t last
.  Class starts and my mind tunes out to think about what I am doing.  I meant it last night when I told Kane that I wanted and neede
d him.  My mind and body belong
to
him, but part of me longs for JT.  In my heart I know that I can’t turn away from
JT
without finding out if we do have a future, but what am I going to do about Kane?  I’m worried about him leaving
this morning
without talking to me.

The bell rings and class is dismissed.  When I arrive in second period Rhys is already in his seat.  He looks up at me and then looks back down.  I decide that we both need to cool off.  My mind is still going over what he said to me last night.  Even though he spoke the truth, I can’t believe he said it out loud. 

I think back to what Kane said to me
about his friend.  He had lost someone he cared about.  Could I
ever really put someone through that
?  Do I still feel the same way?  So many thoughts were going through my head and for the rest of the morning
,
I just move on automatic.  I didn’t see
JT
or Molly until lunch. 

When I walk into the cafeteria
,
Molly
waves
me over to her and Reed.  He
stands
when I
walk
over and lean
s
in to hug me.  “Sorry Jay.” 

“It’s okay Reed,
”
I say to him.  I knew he was talking about the note and telling JT.

I sit on the other side of Molly and before I can talk to her my chair is pulled back.

JT
leans over and kisses
me on my li
ps in front of everyone.  I’m too stunned to do anything but respond, which I automatically do.  His kiss is familiar and my body reacts to it.  My arms go up and around his neck. 
There
is definitely
still
something between us.  I lose myself just a little to him.   

The sound of clapping snaps me out of the passionate kiss.   Stunned I turn around and see that
almost
every single student in the cafeteria including Molly and Reed are standing there clapping and whistling. 
Cal
was the loudest with his whooping
and hollering
.
I even see Mrs. Davis smile
as she walk
s
by
pretending not to see
. 
JT
is
looking
down at me and pulls me to standing.  A laugh e
scapes
me. 

“Do you think we should give them an encore,”
he ask
s
?  He didn’t wait for my answer and captured my mouth again.  This kiss is a tad sweeter and softer.  I can’t help but melt
.
  This moment feels like it’s supposed to happen.  He pulls back from me and whispers gently in my ear.  “Please tell me you feel it Jay.  That this is where you and I should have been all along?  Don’t tell me it’s just me.”

“JT,” I start to say, but words get stuck in my throat.  I nod my head yes and I hear him gasp.  He grips me tighter
and hugs
me closer. 

By now everyone has sat down to eat.  We
are
still receiving glances and Molly is beaming at me.  Reed still looks pretty leery and I don’t’ blame him. 
My feelings are all over the place.  Can you be bipolar in love?  That’s how I fe
e
l.  One part of me only loves Kane and the other part has always been
JT
’s. 

JT
sits down in my chair and pulls me
onto his lap and wraps
his arms around me.
  He won’t stop looking at me and I can feel m
y cheeks
are blushing
.

“Quit staring at me
,
” I tell him.

“Damn Jay, when did you grow up and become this beautiful woman?  I’m sorry
I kissed
you i
n front of everyone, but I walk
into the cafeteria an
d there you are and I
didn’t
see anyone else.  You were just sitting here and I needed to kiss you.”  He blushed and said, “My heart jumped when I saw you.  That’s how much you
mean to
me.”  I placed my finger across his lips to halt his words.

“I know JT.  You’re not the only one feeling it.”  He grips me closer to him and kisses the top of my head. 

“Ok, you guys I can’t stand it anymore. 
Talk
.
  I need some answers.”  Molly is almost bouncing off her seat with excitement.

Looking at
JT,
he smiles at me
,
and I turn to answer her. 
“
We
are taking it slowly.  Very slowly,” I repeat and glance at JT.  He nods so he must be happy with my answer.
  “Are you going to get some food?”

“Jay, if you think for one second that I am getting up from this spot until I have to
,
you are crazy.  I’m not letting you out of my lap until someone makes me.
  If that means I have to starve to death, it will be worth it.”  We all laugh, but I hug him a little tighter because it makes me happy that he feels that way about me.

“Mr. Higgins I do believe Miss Stevenson could find her own seat.  I don’t believe she needs to share yours,” Coach Branch vehemently says to
JT
as he stands over us. 
It surprises
everyone at the table
and I try to jump up, but
JT
holds me still.