Ruining Me (28 page)

“
Yeah, we can do that,”
he says
happily getting out of bed.  Crossing my legs, I sit on the bed and watch him dress.  Before he goes into the bathroom again, he throws me a t-shirt and panties.

“Get dressed so you can walk me out.” 

“Yes Master,” I say and laugh.

He mutters, “I wish.”

Once we are both dressed
,
I walk him downstairs.

“Jay, I hate to leave you.  It’s tearing me up inside.  Think about what I said.  Okay?”  He kisses me and groans.  “Love you.  Lock the door and turn on the alarm.” 

“Love you too.”  My voice shakes.  All the emotions that I feel for him rushes at me.  He’s finally mine
and te
ars cloud my eyes. 

“Jay what is it?  You
’
r
e
scaring me baby.”  He grabs me and pulls me toward him. 

“I’m just happy,” I say.  He kisses me and pulls back.

“Me too Jay.  Me t
o
o.”

“I’m okay.  Just go.  I can’t wait to sit in the stands tomorrow and cheer you on.”  My face raises to his and I kiss his cheek. 

“And I’m sleeping
with
you tomorrow night
, right?”  He asks
me.  I nod my head because too many emotions are choking me up.  He kisses me one last time and walks out the door.

I go upstairs after I lock the house up.  Turning some music on from my playlist on my phone I decide to check my text messages.  I had a couple.

Molly – Party tomorrow night!!!  Are you and
JT
going to stay at
Cal
’s?  I love typing “you and JT.”
J

Jill – What happen with Kane?  He got pretty hammered tonight and when I ask about you he told me to talk to you.  Hope you’re okay sweetie….

Mom – We’ll be home late tomorrow night.  Love you!!!!

I text back Molly first.

Me – We’ll probably stay at
Cal
’s.  I
’ll
talk to you tomorrow.  Can’t wait to hang out with you guys.

Texting Jill back was harder.  I didn’t know what to say.

Me – I’ll talk to you later about everything.  Kane and I are done.  I am back with JT.   Long story.  I’ll come see you next week.

While I was texting her back my phone chirped. 

JT
– Tonight was worth the wait.  You are my LIFE.  Love you.

Me – Yes it was.  Love you!!!

I lay down in my bed still smelling
JT
on my sheets.  Cradling my pillow to m
e
, I fall asleep thinking about him. 

Sitting against the bathroom door I look at the test I hold in my hand.  Two fucking lines.  It’s the fifth test I’ve taken in the last hour.  I had dr
iven
to the next town so no one would see me buy the pregnancy test kits.  The
y
all had the same results after I had peed on them. 
I think back over the last month.

The first
two
weeks after the rape I told everyone that I had the flu.  My teachers sent my homework home and since I had never missed school since kindergarten, no one questioned me.  The only problem was me refusing to see Molly, Reed and JT.  They had started getting a little suspicious. 
My mom was there every day taking care of me and delivered the news that I didn’t feel good. 

The third
week home I knew that I would have to go back to school.  I called
JT
on that night and told him that I needed some time apart.  Shocking him into silence at first and then he begged me to come over, which he did.  My Dad kept him away from me.  Finally after a couple of nights of him camping on the front yard and blasting love songs toward my windows
,
I went out and told him there was someone else.  He broke down in front of me and called me a whore.  Maybe I was.

Breaking things off from Molly and Reed was harder.  I picked a fight with Molly when she finally got
past
my Mom one afternoon at my house.  Telling her
that she was way too immature to han
g
out with
and
that
she needed to grow up pretty much nailed the lid sh
ut on our friendship.  I had kno
w
n
for years that Reed secretly loved Molly and
I knew that me being mean to h
er
would turn him against me also.

The thought of getting pregnant never crossed my mind until yesterday morning.  I became nausea
ted
as soon as I woke up.  Knowing that I was a week late on my period should have clued me in, but the combination of both got me to thinking. 
Leaving
my house for the first time in weeks
, I drove
t
o the drug store. 
Standing in the isle just staring
at the test, tears roll
down my face.  I knew what the outcome would be.  Grabbing five different test
s
, I take them to check out and drive home.

My mind races with a million thoughts.  The world didn’t stop for me and it wouldn’t stop if I weren’t in it anymore.  I’ve push
ed
those away from me
,
who would hurt the most.  What would it take to end it all?  I don’t think I
could pull the trigger or cut
gashes into my wrist.  The most logical
for
me
would be t
o go to sleep and not wake up
.

First I have to take care of this.  My cousin had told me of a place that a friend of hers had went to last year to have an abortion.  I call her and get all the information and make the call for an appointment the next day. 
My cousin had offered to take me so I call her back and swear her to secrecy.  She will pick me up the next day.  I tell my mother that we are going shopping and then spending the weekend at her apartment.  She’s just happy that I am getting out.
 

The next morning my cousin drives me to the clinic. I sig
n in and a nurse brings me back to a room.  She performs an ultrasound and then takes me to her office.  She explains the procedure and then ask
s
me again if I understand.  I nod to her.  She then has me undress and put on a
white hospital gown
.  After that
,
she
leads me to a
small
white room.  Metal chairs
line the walls
and girls of different ages and ethnicity sit in them. 

At first no one says anything, but then one girl starts to talk about why she is here.  She says this is her third abortion and evidently this is her choice of birth control.  After she finishes an older woman says that she has a disease that could be passed on to a child and she is choosing to abort.  One after another they lay down their sins maybe looking for atonement that
I already knew
would never come. 

When everyone had
spoken but me, I look down at the floor and take a breath.  “I was raped,” I whisper.
  I don’t look up and no one says anything else.  Eventually a nurse comes in and one by one calls our name.  I am led to another room and placed on a table with my feet in stir-ups.  The doctor is talking to whoever is performing the anesthesia about where they will play golf this afternoon. 
He t
ell
s
me to count down from ten.  I don’t remember anything past eight.

Opening my eyes I wake from my dream.  Someti
mes people actually live real life nightmares and that day for me was one, but it’s over.  I survived.  It’s still dark outside so I close my eyes to go back to sleep.

My alarm
blares on the table beside me jarring me from sleep.  It’s Friday and I am going to cheer
JT
on tonight.  A smile spreads across my face and I jump out of bed to
go
shower.  I dress in our school colors
,
with a red shirt and short black skirt because we are having a pep rally during last period today.  Throwing together an overnight bag, I grab the dress to take with me for the party after the game. 

Downstairs
,
I
start
to fix m
y
coffee when the doorbell rings.  Seeing
JT
standing at the
front
door
in his football jersey and jeans
,
takes my breath away.  Could he be any cuter?  I open the door and he is smiling at me. 

“I really like that skirt.”  He says to me and grabs my hips and pulls me toward him.  “Kiss me good morning Jay.”

I lean in to him and kiss his lips.  He has on the same cologne he used to wear when we dated before.  The same smell that was on my sheets from last night.  I try to pull
him
into my house, but he stops me.

“Oh no Jay, don’t do that to me.  We have to go to school.  I am going to play my hardest
at the game
for you tonight and win.  Afterwards
,
I’m going to show you off at Cal’s and then I’m going to lock you up in a room somewhere and we are not coming out for a long while.” 

Smiling at him I nod my head and say, “Sounds like a good plan to me.”
  I grab my bag and dress and head out the door.
I notice him checking out my dress for tonight.

“Please say you are wearing that for me.”  His voice sounds so husky.

Looking innocent, I shrug my shoulders and tell him,
“No, it’s for Cal.”  He swats my behind with his hand playfully.

“
I know you bought it for me because it’s my favorite color so don’t lie.  Plus
Cal
wouldn’t know what to do with you in that dress, b
ut I do.”  He grins and slings my
bag
over his shoulder so that he can pick me up to carry
me
to his truck.
 

We reach school and everyone is hyped up about the game.  Red and black streamers cover the parking lot on
most of the
cars.  After we park many of the players come over with their girlfriends to talk to us.  It’s like
JT
and I have never been apart.  Cal, Molly and Reed along with some other people join us and we all talk about the game and the party tonight.  The only person I see standing away and not looking happy for us is Stacie, JT
’s
ex-girlfriend.  I hadn’t thought about her since the day in the cafeteria.

Molly says something to me so I turn back to her.  We decide that I will catch a lift to her house to get ready for the game and then ride
to the party
with
JT
. 
The gathering breaks up and everyone heads
inside
. 
JT
places his arm around me proudly a
s
we walk to class.  At the door he starts to kiss me when a voice interrupts us.

“
Mr. Higgi
ns
,
I
need to see you in my office.”  Coach Branch glares a
t
JT.  It’s almost like he was waiting for us. 
JT
turns back to me and starts to say something.  “Now JT
!
  Go on into class Ja
mes
.”  He nods for me to move.  I do as he says and walk into class. 

“What happened with JT?  I could see you both talking to Coach B outside the door,”
Cal
ask.