Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures (27 page)

People who are jilted and who feel that without their mate their life will have no meaning need to know that the greatest clanger facing them is their own jealousy. The best way to deal with it is by getting away. Clinical experience suggests that a prolonged separation usually results in the amelioration or even the disappearance of jealousy, particularly if the jealous person can come to accept the separation as permanent and begin to disengage. Separation is especially advisable for people with a history of extreme jealousy or violence.12

It is also crucial for people in a jealousy crisis to be able to discuss their jealousy openly and gain control over themselves and their life. There are workshops and books aimed at helping people deal with their jealousy, heal their broken hearts, and let go of' destructive relationships.'' Three of the most important things such workshops can do are to make jealous people realize that (1) they are not alone in this predicament, (2) there's life even after a lover leaves, and (3) it is possible to turn even a jealousy trauma into a growth experience. All three may seem impossible in the midst of a jealousy crisis, but should be kept in mind even if only as theoretical options.

People who find themselves unable to deal with their own or their partners' jealousy, and are concerned that either they or their partners may resort to violence, should not hesitate to ask for professional help. Otherwise they may find themselves in the kind of situations that the men and women described in this chapter found themselves.

Most important: If there are firearms in the house, they should be gotten rid of right away. Police records show that when there's a gun in the house, the people living in the house are the ones most likely to be hurt by it.

These recommendations apply to coping with situations in which the jealousy has a high violence potential. The next chapter addresses techniques for coping with jealousy in general.

A Note to Therapists

Therapists should be sensitive to emotionally charged situations that could lead to violence. These situations almost always involve couples in which one mate is extremely dependent on the relationship while the other one is trying to withdraw or get out. In work with such couples it is important to help both partners take responsibility for their part in this unhealthy dynamic.

The withdrawing partner should see the role lie or she may have played in creating their partner's dependency on them. This can be addressed by such questions as: "What was it that attracted you to your partner when you first met?" "Could it have been the intensity of his or her feelings for you which made you feel secure, loved, and adored-the center of his or her world?"

It is equally important to help the jealous partner figure out what role he or she may have played in creating the jealousy crisis. This can be addressed by questions such as: "Is your jealousy related in some way to some aspect of your mate's personality that attracted you when you first ►net?" "Could it have been the fact that all women seemed drawn to him?" "That she is a sexy and flirtatious woman? That you felt excited?"

It is also important to help such jealous people focus on the things in their life that are in their control (such as the decision to take a few days off and get away), on things that they enjoy, and on people they Iove aside from their partner (making a list of people they love and who love them can be very helpful).

 
9

Coping with
Romantic Jealousy

There arc palliatives [for romantic jealousyl: the first is the recognition of the problem (disease) and the sceond is the wish to erne oneself.

-A. K. Orage, On Love

One of the most common questions asked by people with a jealousy problem is: Can jealousy be overcome? The answer, as evidenced throughout this book, is yes, but with great effort. Like most other difficult emotional experiences, jealousy, if treated correctly, can be a trigger for growth. It can be the first step in increased self-awareness and greater understanding of both the partner and the relationship.

People tormented by jealousy can find comfort even in the mere knowledge that their response is normal, universal, and motivated by a need to protect a valued relationship. Awareness alone, however, is not enough.

Since this chapter is devoted to coping, it is appropriate to start with a clarification of what coping is and what it is not. Coping is not the same as treatment. Thcrc are many different methods for treating jealousy cited in the scientific literature, including hypnosis, the use of drugs, behavior therapy, cognitive therapy, rational-emotive therapy, systems therapy, couples therapy, psychoanalysis, a combination of couples therapy with individual therapy, and a combination of psychodynamic, systems, behavioral, social-psychological, and evolutionary approaches. I

In all these treatment approaches, the individual or couple suffering from jealousy goes to an expert and is treated for the problem. Going to an expert is just one form of coping.

What Is Coping?

Richard Lazarus, a leading expert in the field of stress and coping, defines coping as "efforts to master conditions of harm, threat or challenge when an automatic response is not readily available."2 Coping does not necessarily imply success in overcoming the harm, threat, or challenge, but is only an effort to master it. A person who takes a sleeping pill fora temporary escape from the unbearable pain caused by a partner's unfaithfulness is making an effort (even if an unsuccessful one) to cope.

Different coping strategies vary in their effectiveness. Some are almost always useful-such as talking about the problem with one's partner in an open and honest way, or learning about oneself to understand one's jealous response. Others, such as acts of violence, are almost always disastrous. Still others fall somewhere in between, only serving to delay the inevitable. Taking sleeping pills, drinking alcohol, and using illegal drugs are some of the more negative examples of this last category.

Whether a certain coping strategy is useful or disastrous can be determined by its consequences. As a result of the actions taken in response to jealousy, does the individual have increased self-awareness or a greater understanding of the partner's perspective? Does the relationship as a whole seem more loving, harmonious, and satisfying for both partners? If the answer is no, the coping strategy has not been useful.

In the remainder of this chapter I will present different strategies for coping with jealousy. Some of them may already be familiar, others probably will be new. Some of those will seem more appropriate than others. Even if a certain technique or exercise does not seem right, it is important not to reject it right away. The more coping strategies one has in one's arsenal, the better able to cope one will be.

Effective coping always involves four parts or stages:

1. being aware of the problein

2. taking responsibility for doing something about it

3. achieving clarity about what needs to and can be done

4. developing new tools for coping, and improving the range and quality of old tools'

Adequate coping is impossible without awareness that there is a problem. Some people hide from the problem and try to avoid thinking about it. When there is an illicit affair, the betrayed partner almost always knows about it at some level, but at times chooses "not to know."

Other people who are aware of their "jealousy problem" tend to think that the jealousy is all their own fault ("I'm simply a jealous person"). This reaction sloes not show true awareness of the problem, because it fails to put the jealousy in the context of the relationship and the particular situation that triggered it.

Awareness has two parts: One is the simple realization that a problem exists; the other is the ability to recognize that the problem is a function of certain dynamics in the relationship or the particular situation, rather than the fault of the "jealous person." Once people recognize this, the focus of their coping efforts shifts from "What's wrong with me as a person that makes me so jealous?" to "What can I do to change the situation so that my jealousy is not triggered so easily?"

To effect a change, an individual must be willing to lake responsi- l ilily for changing the relationship or the situation. This is usually quite difficult. Yet taking responsibility for effecting a change in a difficult situation is therapeutic in and of itself, because it reduces the debilitating effects of feeling helpless.

When people are aware of the existence of a problem in their relationship, and are willing to take responsibility for trying to change it (instead of waiting for their partner to change), the third necessary step is to achieve clarity about What needs to be done and what can be done.

Most people in the midst of a jealousy crisis cannot easily discriminate between what they can change in the relationship or situation and what they cannot. Some assume that everything in themselves, their mates, and their relationships can be changed. When they discover, the hard way, that this is not always so, they feel hopeless and helpless and come to believe that nothing can be changed. There are also people who believe from the outset that nothing can be changed. These individuals never attempt to change anything. "That's life," they say. The slogan may reduce their stress to some extent, but it also prevents them from actively seeking positive change.

The truth is that some things in a relationship cannot be changed or would be extremely difficult to change-for example, the basic personalities of both mates. But many triggers in a jealousy-provoking relationship or situation-certain behaviors, for example-can be changed with varying degrees of effort. The most important advantage of achieving clarity is the ability to distinguish between those aspects of the relationship and the situation that can't be changed, and those that can. This allows people to channel their efforts where there will be the greatest likelihood of important progress.

Jealousy has been described as "the eruption of attachment that can be transcended only through awareness."4 As people move (with awareness) into the core of their jealousy, they may discover such unpleasant things as ungrounded expectations, projections, fears, and insecurities. The awareness of their existence is the first step in overcoming them.

In a jealousy crisis, people first need to determine what is at the heart of their jealousy. Is it fear of loss? Is it a humiliation? Is it feeling excluded? Is it something else? (What is the most painful thought associated with the jealousy? Does it hurt to know that your wife had a wonderful time with someone else, and you were excluded? Do you feel humiliated because your husband has flirted all night with a stunning woman, and everyone at the party saw it? Or do you feel a terrible pain of loss because you know you have lost your mate's love and the relationship?) While feeling excluded is no doubt painful, it is not as painful as losing a love relationship. People who don't bother to clarify what hurts them most can respond to a trivial incident as if they had lost the relationship.

Once people have identified the focus of their jealousy, they need to figure out why they are responding the way they are. Is it a result of their sensitivity, or of a real threat to the relationship? Even people who are especially prone to jealousy should make an effort to avoid labeling themselves "a jealous person" instead of a person with a predisposition to jealousy. The predisposition can be a result of a particular family background, a cultural background, or a past history of intimate relationships. After clarifying what exactly they are feeling and why, they can proceed to examine their various options for coping.

Coping with Jealousy?

Recall your most extreme experience or experiences of jealousy. To what extent did you use each one of the following coping strategies: never, once or twice, rarely, occasionally, often, usually, always?

■ Talk to your partner about the situation and your response to it in a rational manner?

■ Use sarcasm?

■ Accept the situation because you felt there was nothing you could do about it?

■ Avoid the issue and try not to think about it?

■ Use "stony silence," clearly indicating that you were aware of the problem but refused to talk about it?

■ Use denial (e.g. you knew that your partner was involved with someone, but you chose not to know)?

■ Cry, either in front of your partner to make your suffering obvious, or when you were all alone?

■ Use verbal assault, screaming at your partner, cursing, swearing?

■ Retaliate, making your partner jealous either by flirting, having an affair, or by telling your partner about other lovers?

■ Attack your partner physically, with fists, nails, dishes?

■ Leave your partner, either Temporarily or forever?

■ Suffer silently and covertly, so neither your partner nor anyone else knew about your pain?

■ Suffer silently but visibly (making sure your partner knew you were in pain)?

■ Try to find the funny side when thinking about the situation?

■ Make a joke of it to your partner or to others?

■ Think through your own role in the situation and assess rationally what you stood or feared to lose?