Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures (30 page)

Each partner needs three sheets of paper for this exercise. On top of the first page, the jealous partner is instructed to write the heading "Behaviors That Trigger My Jealousy" and the nonjealous partner is instructed to write "Jealous Behaviors That Get on My Nerves." Under this heading, the jealous partner lists all the things the nonjealous partner does that trigger jealousy; the nonjealous partner lists all the things the jealous partner does that trigger anger, frustration, hurt, or feeling caged. For example, an item on a jealous partner's list may be, "When you are honey-dripping sweet to every woman you meet on the street after being nasty to me." An item on the nonjealous partner's list may be, "Your suspicion about every woman I happen to bump into on the street."

On top of the second page the jealous partner writes: "The Needs at the Base ofMy Jealousy" while the nonjealous partner writes: "The Needs at the Base of My Annoyance." Under this second heading the partners name the different needs at the heart of their jealousy or annoyance. For example, at the heart of the jealousy triggered by seeing him act sweet to other women may be her need to feel special, to feel that she is his "one and only." At the heart of the anger at her suspicion may be a need to feel trusted.

At the top of the third page, both partners write: "Wishes" Under this heading, they write what the other partner can do to fulfill their need. They are encouraged not to ask for things that are too general, such as "Make Inc feel special" or "Show that you trust me," but rather, to ask for specific and concrete things that their partner is capable of giving, things that have special significance for them. For example, "Take Inc out for a romantic dinner"; °"ICII me that you trust me." Note that both examples are positive statements-things to do, not things to avoid. Note, too, that both examples involve observable behavior-this behavior is the focus of the behavioral approach.

After writing their lists of wishes, both partners go over those lists and rank their requests from I to 10 in terms of their importance. A score of 10 means very important, a score of I means minor importance. (For example, how important is going out for a romantic dinner? 8? 6? 9? 3? What about an intimate dance at a party? Is it more or less important? How important is it to hear that your partner trusts you?)

Once both partners have ranked their requests, they are instructed to exchange their lists, examine each other's wishes, and then rank them in terms of' the difficulty in fulfilling them. Again, the most difficult request gets the score of' 10, the least difficult gets the score of 1. (How difficult is it for you to tell your partner that you trust him? 8? 6? 3? How difficult is it to take your partner out for a romantic dinner?)

It is important to emphasize that requests are not demands, and should never be expressed or understood as such. They are wishes. When a partner fulfills a wish, it's a gift and should be perceived and received that way.

A couple who struggles with a jealousy problem should try to give each other at least three gifts a week. This probably will not be easy. If it were easy, the couple would have done it before. The things the partner asks for may be difficult. (It may be hard to look straight into his eyes and tell him that you trust him, when deep in your heart you don't-which is why you respond with jealousy when he is too friendly toward other women.) Couples don't have to give gifts they have rated high in difficulty. It is better to start with those they have rated least difficult. As the relationship becomes more loving and trusting, couples usually find it easier to give each other the more difficult gifts.

Finally, a note about assumptions. One of the most damaging assumptions in couple relationships is that something asked for is worthless. ("If A have to ask for it, what kind of a gift is it?") Another dangerous assumption is that the gifts the partner wants are the same things you want. The exercise described here can help couples break free of these assumptions and give each other what they both really want. This way, both partners will get more rewards from the relationship. And, as noted earlier, getting as many rewards as possible for the lowest possible cost is one of the goals of' behavioral couple therapy.

An Evaluation of the Behavioral Approach to Jealousy

One of the major contributions of the behavioral approach is its emphasis on observable behavior and its view of jealousy as a learned response that can be unlearned. The behavioral techniques and exercises described in this chapter have in common the assumption that if people change their behavior (even when they are only role-playing at first) they can change their feelings and attitudes. Such behavioral techniques can be very effective and far less timeconsuming than psychodynamically oriented psychotherapy.

One of the major criticisms of the behavioral approach (similar to a criticism of the systems approach) is directed at its disregard for the role of traumatic childhood experiences and unconscious processes in the development of psychological problems such as jealousy. According to the psychodynamic approach, unless these childhood experiences are addressed and the unconscious processes brought to consciousness, the jealousy problem will not be cured. These critics see the changes brought about by behavioral techniques as superficial and temporary. Behaviorists, on the other hand, believe that insight is not necessary for a lasting change in behavior to take place. Because they focus on observable behaviors, their interventions can be studied and, indeed, have been proven effectivc.)6

Coping Strategies and Theoretical Approaches

The coping strategies presented in this chapter were inspired primarily by the behavioral approach. Throughout the book, however, numerous exercises and coping strategies were presented that were inspired by other theoretical approaches.

The psychodynamic approach, which views romantic jealousy as occurring in the mind of the jealous individual, inspired the exer cise called "Jealousy as the Shadow of Love." This exercise requires introspection aimed at making a connection between the adult jealousy and childhood experiences. The systems approach, which views jealousy ds occurring in the dynamic of a particular relationship, inspired the role-reversal exercise, which requires both partners to work jointly on their jealousy problem. The social-psychological approach, which views jealousy as influenced mainly by cultural forces, inspired the shift from dispositional to situational attribution. The sociobiological approach, which views jealousy as innate and shaped by evolutionary forces, and different for ►nen and for women inspired the "relationship sociodrama," a technique designed to break people's fallacy of uniqueness and discover the universal nature of jealousy. The cognitive-behavioral approach inspired a variety of techniques and exercises aimed at helping individuals and couples learn new responses to jealousy triggers. Each approach and strategy can help people understand and cope with a jealousy problem more effectively.

A Final Word about Coping

The exercises in this chapter assume that people truly want to be rid of their jealousy problem. This assumption may or may not be true. It is possible that, despite all appearances to the contrary, the jealousy problem serves an important function in the relationship, a function the couple would rather not acknowledge. If this is the case, chances are that the coping strategies recommended here will not work.

Nevertheless, exercises that give couples an opportunity to learn about themselves and about each other, and that increase the number of rewards couples give each other, can only benefit the relationship, and therefore deserve a good try.

Even if the techniques and exercises recommended in this chapter don't solve a particular jealousy problem altogether, they are guaranteed to increase self-knowledge and enhance growth of both the individual and the couple.

A Note to Therapists

All the coping strategies presented in this chapter can be used (and will no doubt be most effective when they are used this way) by pro fessional therapists. Some exercises can be used in the context of individual therapy (e.g. "flooding"), some can by used in the context of couple therapy (e.g. writing the defense for the aff(iir/jealousy), and some can be used in the context of a couple workshop (e.g. the "relationship sociodrama"). Once again I would like to caution therapists about the use of implosion therapy.

 
10

Can Any Good Come Out
of Romantic Jealousy?

Jealousy is always born together with love, but it does not always die with love.... We are happier in the passion we feel than in 111(1( we arouse.

-La Rochefoucauld, "Reflections"

Can any good come out of jealousy? My own answer-as evidenced in the preceding chapters-is a definite yes. 7o find out what other people think about this question, I asked 105 men and women to rate their agreement with the following statements (on a I to 7 scale ranging from I = Disagree strongly to 7= Agree strongly):[

Jealousy is a sign of love.

Jealousy is an instrument fir inducing commitment.

Jealousy brings excitement to listless relationships.

Jealousy teaches people not to take each other for granted.

Jealousy makes life more interesting.

Jealousy makes relationships last longer.

Jealousy makes one's partner look more desirable.

Jealousy makes people feel alive.

Jealousy makes people examine their relationship.

Here are the mean ratings for each statement, in descending order of agreement with the different statements:

Jealousy makes people examine their relationship: 4.7

Jealousy teaches people not to take each other for granted: 3.1

Jealousy is a sign Of IOW: 3.0

Jealousy is an instrument for inducing commitment: 2.8

Jealousy makes one's partner look more desirable: 2.6

Jealousy brings excitement to listless relationships: 2.4

Jealousy makes life more interesting: 2.3

Jealousy makes people feel alive: 2.5

Jealousy makes relationships last longer: 1.5

The respondents agreed most strongly with the statement that jealousy is positive in that it forces people to examine their relationship. Yet, as can be seen by their mean rating (4.7), they agreed with it only to a certain extent. The same rating (4.7) was given to a statement describing a negative effect of jealousy with which the same respondents agreed least: that jealousy makes people feel guilty. They agreed much more strongly with statements about the other negative effects of jealousy:

Jealous' causes emotional distress: 5.9

Jealousy puts a strain on relationships: 5.9

Jealousy can block thought and distort emotions: 5.9

Jealousy wastes valuable time: 5.8

Jealousy causes physical distress: 5.5

Jealousy restricts the partner's freedom: 5.2

Jealousy may result in violence: 5.0

Jealousy CdO cause social embarrassment: 5.0

Jealousy drives the partner away: 4.8

Agreement about the negative effects of jealousy did not necessarily correlate with a respondent's own level of jealousy. In other words, whether or not people perceived themselves as jealous had little effect on their rating of these negative effects of jealousy. On the other hand, agreement about the positive effects of jealousy was significantly correlated with self-perception-the more jealous one perceived oneself to be, the more likely one was to agree with the positive effects of jealousy. This means that while everyone agrees on the negative effects of jealousy, only people who perceive them selves as jealous agree that it has positive effects. There are several possible explanations for this.

People who perceive themselves as jealous may want to describe jealousy in a positive light. By the same token, people who perceive jealousy as a more positive experience may admit more readily to feeling jealous. It is also possible that when people have a traumatic experience with jealousy they need to convince themselves that something positive came out of it. The final possibility is that because people who view themselves as jealous tend to experience jealousy more often, they have more occasions to discover its positive effects.

While all four of these explanations probably have a grain of truth in them, for the remainder of this chapter I will take the approach suggested by the last explanation-namely, that some good can come out of jealousy. Let us examine this "good" more closely.

Jealousy Makes People Examine Their Relationships

Most people don't examine their relationships very often, if at all, after they pass the stage of courtship and romance. Similarly, most people don't examine their work situation or their relationship with other family members often. All this self-examination takes time and energy most people don't have to spare. As noted before, the common response of people who tried an open relationship and decided against it was that it was too time-consuming: "You have to talk about the relationship all the time. You have to examine and reexamine rules you made that for some reason are not working. It's exhausting. It leaves no time or energy for anything else"