Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures (24 page)

Like the Keristans, swingers are quite conventional in some ways. The Keristans don't have sex unless there is a "current intention of a lifetime involvement," and afterward remain sexually faithful to each other. The swingers are likewise sexually faithful except for the mate exchange. Like people in open marriages, swingers believe in traditional marriage (and in what Gilmartin calls "residential and psychological monogamy"). They want to improve their marriages by opening the possibility of nonthreatening extramarital relationships.

All three groups believe in "togetherness"-the sharing of activities and interests between mates within the context of a committed relationship. All three groups value honesty in their relationships and derive a sense of security from them. At the same time, all three groups also believe in the value of sexual variety. The main difference among them, and between them and people in conventional marriages, is the social structure they created to achieve what they perceive as compatible goals: intimacy with their mates and sexual variety with others.

Even people who are satisfied in a monogamous marriage and would never be swingers, have an open marriage, or live in a commune such as Kerista can learn several lessons from these three unusual groups that can help reduce jealousy in their intimate relationships.

One lesson involves trying to eliminate jealousy triggers. Couples should discuss the things that are jealousy-provoking for them (in most cases each partner has different triggers) and explore together ways for each to do their "thing" without evoking jealousy in the other.

To be able to discuss such things, couples need to spend time together in informal conversation. This is one thing the Keristans, the swingers, and the open-marriage couples do very frequently. They also express love and affection toward each other and show a great deal of interest (sexual and nonsexual) in each other, which helps increase their sense of security in the relationship. While one may disagree with their method for keeping their interest in each other alive (that is, sexual involvement with other people), one can still apply their ideas of increasing security in a way that seems more appropriate. The three groups share the conviction that jealousy is a learned response. They know it can be unlearned because they have done it. The view of jealousy as learned is more conducive for coping than the sociobiological notion that jealousy is inborn and natural. Even people who are sure that they (or their partner) were born jealous can benefit from exploring the implications of the idea that jealousy may be learned. What will one need to unlearn and learn in order to reduce one's jealousy'?

Consider the meaning of extramarital sex. For all three groups, it almost never means that "there's something wrong with the marriage." For most couples it means exactly that. Still, the affair and the jealousy it triggers don't have to be the end of 'a relationship. If cou- pies learn to see the outside involvement as a message or a distress signal, the relationship can evolve into a deeper, more honest sphere.

The importance of feeling secure in intimate relationships as a way to prevent jealousy is one of the most important implications one can derive from the Keristans, the swingers, and the open-marriage couples. Without a sense of' security, these three groups could not have maintained the quality of intimacy that they achieved in their different relationships.

Another valuable implication is the importance of social support and the power of social approval. In a couples' support group, a woman may describe the way her husband stares at every attractive woman he sees on the street as "outrageous" behavior that "makes her wild with jealousy" If the rest of the women in the group tell her that there is nothing wrong with this behavior, make a joke of it, and themselves start to express appreciation of attractive men they have noticed, chances are good that this woman will reevaluate the threat implied by her husband's behavior and respond with less jealousy in the future.

Finally, it is important to remember that even among these unusual groups, some jealousy occurs. It is hard to eliminate jealousy entirely in a culture that emphasizes possessiveness and exclusivity to the extent that our culture does. Yet the three groups show that it is possible to reduce jealousy and minimize the role it plays in peoples' lives.

While the three groups we have met in this chapter are unusual in their lack of jealousy, the group we will meet in the next chapter is unusual in its extreme response to jealousy. The groups in this chapter can teach what to do to overcome jealousy; the group in the next chapter can teach what not to do, so that jealousy doesn't lead to violence.

A Note to Therapists

"Refraining" is an important therapeutic tool and people can be taught to use it. In role playing, the couple can be instructed to use a situation likely to trigger jealousy. For example, the couple is at a party and the partner is flirting with someone else. The jealous person can be trained to reframe the jealousy (e.g., This pang of jealousy I'm feeling is actually a sexual turn-on"). The reward can be imagining all the things they can do together when they finally get home-instead of having a jealousy scene.

 
8

Crimes of Passion

For love is strong as death, jealousy cruel as hell. It blazes like blazing lire, fiercer than any flame.

-Song of'Songs 8:6

And I will judge thee, as women that break wedlock and shed blood are judged, and I will give thee blood in fin)' and jealousy

-li:ekiel 16:38

IJealousyl is the hydra of calamities, the sevenfold of death.

-Edward Young, The Revenge

Jealousy has produced violence and aggression throughout history. "Crime of passion" has become so familiar it term that we rarely consider how paradoxical it is-passion and crime, love and death. It is the cruel paradox in which one murders the person one loves most. "Love is strong as death," says King Solomon in the Song o/ Songs; and Edward Young, the eighteenth-century English playwright, calls jealousy "the sevenfold of death." Shakespeare's Othello, the archetype of the jealous husband, strangles his beloved wife, Desdemona, because he suspects her of infidelity. Discovering that his suspicions were groundless, he then kills himself. Shakespeare's tragic hero inspired some psychologists to call delusional jealousy that leads to violence the "Othello syndrome." (See, as an example, Leong et al. 1994.)

Studies of spousal murder followed by suicide list jealousy as one of the precipitating causes) FBI statistics indicate that approximately one third of all solved murders involve spouses, lovers, or rivals of the murderer and either a real or a suspected infidelity as a major cause.2 A wide range of hostile and bitter events has been attributed to jealousy, including murder, suicide, destruction of property, aggression, and spouse-battering) Stories of murder and other violent acts triggered by jealousy often appear in newspapers and magazines. The popular interest in such stories suggests that although stories about passion and stories about violence each have a certain attraction, those about passion combined with violence are particularly fascinating.

Despite the great interest they generate, however, crimes of passion do not seem personally relevant to most people's jealousy problem. When I asked 607 people how they usually cope with their jealousy, only 1% said they respond with violence. When I asked another group of 103 people how they coped with their most extreme experience of jealousy, 70/0 mentioned an act of violence.4 While many violent acts are attributed to jealousy, relatively few people resort to violence to solve their jealousy problems.'

Violent responses to jealousy deserve a serious discussion, however, because of the great harm they can cause. Even flying dishes (or, in the case of one couple I worked with, a flying watermelon) can cause great physical and emotional damage-much more so flying fists and bullets. It's important to know how to defuse the potential for violence in a jealousy situation. Indeed, Gregory Leong and his colleagues argue that the Othello syndrome often raises significant forensic issues, particularly dangerousness. Dangerous people suffering from the Othello syndrome may exhibit hostility that ranges from verbal threats to homicidal acts (Leong et al., 1994).

In this chapter I will describe the stories of men and women who are in prison for crimes related to jealousy. The men were part of a group Of inmates I worked with as a therapist in one of California's state prisons (Pines, 1983). The women are in prison in Israel and I interviewed them individually (Pines, 1992b). In addition, a group of my University of California, Berkeley students interviewed twelve American women inmates in one of California's women's jails.

As is the case for other violent crimes, crimes of passion are most likely to be committed by young males from low socioeconomic classes and minority ethnic and racial groups, who are subject to economic and social deprivations.6 Most of the men I worked with in prison were no exception; each had a high predisposition for jealousy and for violence. More significant for the prevention of jealousy-related violence, however, is the dynamic of situations that provoked their violence. As we will see, the dynamic of these situations is very similar for men and for women, for blacks and whites, for poor and well-to-do.

Stan

On September 3, 1979, Stan, 18 years old, shot and killed his girlfriend Kathy. Stan's background is different from that of most of the other men in the group I worked with. lie is white and comes from a middle-class family. In high school he was the running back for the football team and a member of the Block Club, the Service Club, the Spirit Club, the school newspaper, and the yearbook. Stan was also active in the school government and was the class president during his sophomore and junior years. He maintained a 3.8 grade point average and became a lifetime member of the state's scholarship federation. One year he received the Scholar/Athlete Award, presented to him by the High School Hall of Tame, based on his excellence in studies and sports. He was also chosen as a junior Republican delegate by one of the state's senators. He could not exercise his duties, however, because of his arrest.

At 8:00 P.M. on September 3, Stan and Kathy had a date to meet on the university football practice field. They had a heated argument-one of many. The reason was always the same: Stan wanted a more serious and committed relationship than Kathy was ready for. Kathy told Stan she wanted to devote herself to her studies and be able to see other men. Stan was so emotionally dependent on Kathy that the thought of losing her was horrifying:

I could never talk to my family. Kathy was the one person I was able to open up to. I felt I was losing her.... I was more involved with her than she was with me. It was very scary. 1 was trying to hold on.

Stan was caught cheating on his college application for an Ivy League school and got into serious trouble. This, combined with Kathy's withdrawal, made him panic. Ile needed her desperately. The more he fought to hold on, the more Kathy struggled to get away. Their argument on the night of the murder became increasingly heated:

She told me to stay away from her and her family. I felt rage ... violence ... 1 felt I was losing her. She hit me twice with her fist on nmy cheek.... She tried to pull the gun out of nmy hand. We struggled.... I heard a gunshot and saw Kathy fall to the ground. I panicked and started running. I threw the gun into a body of water nearby.

The "body of water" was never identified and the gun never found. The .38 caliber handgun that killed Kathy was taken from her father's store. Stan had stolen it while working for Kathy's father the summer before. His reason for stealing the gun and having it with him on the night of the murder, he said, was to be able to protect Kathy.

When Kathy fell to the ground she was severely injured, but still alive. She was discovered some time later and was taken to a nearby hospital, where she was pronounced dead the following day. Hospital records indicate that she died of a single gunshot wound.

I met Stan in prison, where he was serving a life sentence. He looked like an all-American college kid with blond hair, blue eyes, and an athletic build. He has been working as an EKG technician, receiving straight As in all his premed classes, exercising, and attending Catholic services regularly.

I worked with Stan in group therapy and interviewed him individually about his jealousy as a precipitator of the murder. I discovered that Stan had little emotional connection with his parents. His father was a football coach and a "very dominant figure." Stan admired his father; but perceived him as critical and demanding. Stan had worked hard all his life to gain his father's approval, but nothing he did, nothing he achieved had seemed enough. Although he had a somewhat closer relationship with his mother, he had a great deal of difficulty communicating with either of his parents. During the three years that Stan had dated Kathy, he had spent so much time at her parents' house that they started to treat him as a member of the family. He had felt closer to them than to his own family.

Stan was in love with Kathy and could not imagine life without her. "She was like a dream come true" Loving Kathy more than she loved him made Stan feel weak and dependent. When I asked him who had the control in their relationship, Stan said "Kathy!" and explained, "She was like a crutch."

For all his athletic and academic successes, Stan felt "very dissatisfied" with himself. The standards he set for himself (the internalization of his father's severe standards) were so high that he couldn't help but fail: "1 always wanted to improve myself. I wanted to be perfect" Unlike Stan, Kathy was sure of herself. "She wasn't afraid to voice her opinions. I was insecure because of my shyness" Kathy was Stan's crutch and connection to people.

Both Stan and Kathy were 15 years old when they first met. From the start, Kathy felt secure enough in the relationship to encourage Stan to go out with other people. At first lie did it a few times. Sexual liaisons with other women were easy for Stan because of his involvement with football. But they paled in comparison with the love he felt for Kathy. Ile was attracted to her physically and emotionally. Unfortunately, Kathy was much less attracted to him. Stan described himself as "extremely jealous," and explained, "It was a result of my loneliness, dependency on Kathy, and insecurity about her." Over time, Stan's jealousy became a growing problem in the relationship. IIe became possessive of Kathy and was envious of anyone she spent time with:

She would go away for the weekend with her family, and it really bothered me. I felt lonely. I felt emptiness in my heart. She was the only person I could express feelings to. I always had a need to have control, and I didn't have control over any decision she was making, whether to go away for a weekend with her family or which school to go to.

Stan's reaction to the jealousy he experienced was extreme, and at times it took a violent form:

I was more emotional than Kathy. I just kepi the pain in. When I got really frustrated, I'd get it out, the rage, physically, by hitting the wall or something....

On the night of the murder, Stan was nervous and shaky, and felt close to a nervous breakdown. I lis heart was beating fast, blood was rushing to his head, and his hands were sweaty and trembling. He felt anxious, terrified at the thought of losing Kathy, possessive, enraged, confused, and frustrated. Ills self-esteem was low and his self-pity high. With Kathy he felt such extreme jealousy often, and when he did, it lasted for days. She gave his whole life a sense of meaning. If he lost her, he felt his life would be empty and meaningless. He could not accept it. He could not let her go. The total rejection and disdain Kathy expressed during their fight caused Stan's frustration, pain, and rage to explode in violence.

My clinical experience suggests that overt disdain or rejection expressed toward the jealous partner is an important precipitant of the violent outburst. The critical role played by a humiliating rejection is evident in the case of Goldie, a woman who is in prison for the attempted murder of her ex-lover.

Goldie

Goldie's story appeared in the papers in the summer of 1992. 1 visited her in prison and interviewed her at length. Goldie, 51 years old, was awaiting trial for the attempted murder of her ex-lover Nathan. Nathan, 43, told the police that Goldie confronted him in the street holding a gun in both her hands. Shaking all over, she screamed: "This is your end," then she started shooting. Nathan's life was spared miraculously, despite the six bullets that Goldie shot at him from the small gun she had stolen several hours before from her ex-husband. Nathan suffered a minor wound in his hand from one of the bullets and was taken to a hospital. Goldie, who is divorced and the mother of two adult children, was taken by the police for questioning.

The love story between Nathan and Goldie, which could have ended in murder, started some years before when Nathan separated from his wife. During the height of their romance, Nathan moved in with Goldie. Then, some months before the violent attack, there was a warming in his previously tense relationship with his estranged wife. As a result, Nathan left Goldie's house and moved with his children to his parents' house. He started working on his relationship with his wife with the intent to move back into his house and resume the marriage.

"Goldie did not like this," said Nathan. "She would call me hundreds of times, and refused to hear about the possibility of us breaking up. She even came to my parents' house, screaming and embarrassing me. One day when I met her she said she had in her purse a loaded gun and that she will kill my wife. Instead, she almost killed me."

On the day of the attack, at about 6:00 A.M. Nathan left his parents' house on his way to work, when Goldie appeared in front of him, dressed in dark clothes. "Suddenly she pulled out a gun, screamed at me, and started shooting. I did not believe what was happening. I saw death in front of me. I heard the thunder of a gunshot, and felt my right arm go numb. Somehow I managed to get back to my senses. I threw on her the bag I was holding, then I flung myself on her and dropped her on the floor." In the struggle that followed, Nathan pushed Goldie's head to the concrete with his knee, but she continued to shoot five more shots that whizzed by his stomach. "She fought like a wild animal, breathing heavily and screaming at me, "That's the end of you!" recounted Nathan.

Hearing Nathan's shouts and the gunshots, his mother came running out of her house. She threw herself on top of Goldie, and using all her strength managed to pull the gun out of her hands. Neighbors that arrived at the scene beat Goldie up and called the police.

During the police questioning it was revealed that on the previous night Goldie had visited her ex-husband's house, and used the opportunity to steal his 7.65 millimeter gun. She left his house early in the morning and went to Nathan's parents' house, where she waited for him.

Goldie told the police the Nathan met her that morning with curses and insults and even started hitting her. "He attacked me, hitting my head against the wall while using foul language. I was scared, that's why I pulled out the gun and shot him." When I met her in prison, she told me another story. As in Stan's case, Goldie's story is one of a great obsessive love.

I loved him so much that I could not imagine life without him. I knew that lie suffered terribly in his marriage, and was really happy when he lived with me. When I came to meet him that morning I wanted to tell him that I love him and cannot live without him and if he refused to come back to me, I was going to shoot myself, so my soul will stay with him forever. But when he saw me he started cursing me and insulting me. I just went mad and shot him. But I never meant to hurt him. I could have killed him if I wanted to. I was close enough. I still love him and I know he still loves me. He is the one who is paying for my lawyer....

Although Goldie was a woman of 51 at the time of the crime, and Stan a young man of] 8, there were important similarities in the circumstances leading to their crime. Both were deeply in love with their partner in a relationship that gave meaning to their lives and made them feel complete. Both became very dependent on their lovers. Both wanted a formal commitment and were refused. Both felt needy and powerless in their relationship. They were willing to accept the asymmetry only because of their great dependency on their lovers. When they discovered-in a cruel and insensitive way-that they were going to be jilted, their despair, rage, and pain made them attack the person they loved more than themselves. In both cases there was a component of envy in the jealousy. It was expressed in the impulse to destroy the beloved-who had the ability to make them happy, yet refused to.

Once again we see how the fatal combination of the loss of an asymmetrical "total" love, combined with an insulting and humiliating rejection, triggers violence. A similar dynamic can be found in most jealousy-related violence.

Of course, this does not mean that Goldie and Stan's crimes are justified. It means that the way in which a jealousy crisis is handled plays a critical role in determining whether or not the crisis will escalate to violence. Goldie and Stan are not very different from other people who are completely dependent on a romantic relationship. Their crimes were the result of an escalation that could have been avoided.

Not every jealousy-related violent outburst is directed at the rejecting partner. And at times there is a way back even after an outbreak of violence. Neil is an example.

Neil

Unlike Stan and Goldie, who are serving life sentences for killing or attempting to kill their lovers, Neil was serving time for killing his ex-girlfriend's lover.

Like Stan, Neil was a shy and insecure young man. The only time he got into trouble was during adolescence, when together with a group of boys he was caught shooting a 1313 gun at street-lamps. After finishing high school, Neil enlisted in the army and was sent to Vietnam.

When he was released from the service, for the first time in his life Neil was able to afford an apartment of his own. It was also the first time in his life he had a girlfriend. Since he was very much in love with his girlfriend, and dependent on her emotionally, he invited her to move in with him. She agreed, and for a while it seemed as if his dreams were coming true. But only for a while.

After several months his girlfriend started an affair with a security officer and eventually broke up with Neil. Then she kicked Neil out of his own apartment. When Neil returned from a trip out of town, he discovered that his ex-girlfriend and her new lover had moved his belongings back to his parents' house. Neil went there and spent several hours turning the events over in his head. Then he took his father's old gun, went back to the apartment, and burst into the bedroom, where he found the girlfriend and her new lover in bed.

During the trial, Neil claimed that he didn't mean to kill either his girlfriend or her lover; all he wanted was to scare them with his gun so they would get out of his place. But the security officer, seeing the pointed gun, came at him naked. During the struggle that followed, in which the officer tried to get the gun out of Neil's hand, a shot was fired by mistake and the officer was killed. Neil's first instinct was to flee. His girlfriend came with him and they drove for hours, both of them crying. Eventually she persuaded him to turn himself in to the police. At the trial, the girlfriend supported Neil's story. As a result of her testimony, the verdict he received was second-degree murder rather than first-degree.

Today, Neil is a free man. I Ic is working as an engineer, is married, and has two children. Jealousy is not a problem in his marriage, and he is convinced that he will never again respond with violence to jealousy or to any other problem.