Role Play (19 page)

When
I woke up in my cot the next morning, Sierra was already gone. Her sleeping bag was neatly rolled and her cubby was empty with her bag ready to go. The other cubbies were still spilling over with personal stuff.

I
found Sierra in the mess hall. Her laptop was plugged into the wall and she was searching the screen intently.

“Morning!
What’s up?” I asked her.

“Morning,” she said with a smile. “I’m searching Craigslist for a room for rent. Do you know where
Canarsie is?”

“Brooklyn.”

“I see that.” She tilted her head at the screen. “That’s on the other side of JFK airport. I bet that’s some commute into the city. How long does it take on the subway?”

I
realized she was looking at me expectantly. “I work out of LaGuardia. I don’t know, maybe forty-five minutes.”

“Plus there’s a transfer at Broadway Junction
,” she said thoughtfully, her eyes back on the screen.

Since Sierra was absorbed in her
computer, I went over and got some breakfast and coffee. When I came back to sit across from her, she barely looked up at me as I ate.

“Here’s one,” she would say occasionally.
“Room in single family house in Flushing.” Or “$500 for a nook off the living room. That doesn’t sound reasonable, does it?”

Finally she said, “Here’s an okay one, but it’s not available until next month. If only Lola would pay for
her half of August rent, then I would have options.”

“Just don’t pay
rent,” I suggested. “You won’t get an eviction notice the first month. They’ll use your security deposit.”

“I
hate it, but if she bails, I might have to do that,” she sighed. “I don’t want trouble. But everyone expects first month and security deposit, and some of these people want last month’s rent, too. Then I would need at least $1,500 to get into a new place. I don’t have that.”

Her
money talk was making me feel very uncomfortable. I couldn’t shake the feeling she was fishing. Like she expected me to help her out. If I had $1,500, I probably would have given it to her. She was worth it. But it still seemed hollow compared to our first twenty-four hours of Festival, when we had truly meshed together with no ulterior motives other than having fun.

Or so I thought.

The feeling of watching myself continued throughout the morning as Sierra sent out emails asking about rooms for rent and talked to people on the phone. During the long van ride back to the airport, she sat silent for the most part. The others chatted happily about the things they had done at the Festival.

In the airport,
I took her to the sky lounge, entry granted by my employee ID. She promptly plugged in her laptop and continued her search.

Finally
I couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Are you sure you won’t get the rent from Lola? You said her boyfriend used to give her rent money. Maybe Martin will give it to her.”

“
He’s one step up from homeless. He doesn’t have any money.” Sierra gave a short laugh. “No, I’m going to have to do this myself. Like you said, we’re all alone. And the sooner I face that, the better.”

My
heart sank. I knew for a fact that she wouldn’t be here with me if Monica hadn’t told her that I was rich. And now she felt abandoned by me. She was right, but for the wrong reasons. I didn’t have the money to give her. And there was nothing I could say about it other than confess the truth, so I sat there silently.

We
barely spoke during the plane ride. When I dropped her off in front of her stoop and got out to get her bag from the trunk, she gave me her practiced smile and said, “Thank you for taking me down to see Lola. Even though it turned out so badly, I’m glad it’s finally settled. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“I wish I hadn’t suggested we go down there. You wouldn’t be in this position.”

“I think Lola was going to stiff me no matter what I did. The way she talked to me… I’ve never heard her say those kinds of things to me before.”

“I’m sorry.”
I wasn’t sure what else I could say.

“You’ve been really sweet,” she said sadly. She was trying to smile, but
I could tell it was too difficult. “Thank you for everything.”

She turned and carried her bag up the steps before
I could pick it up again. I had expected a hug, at least. I stood there staring up at her as she let herself into the building. With a little wave, she disappeared inside.

I
wanted to call her back out and say everything that had stopped up my mouth all day. Confess everything. But I knew what kind of girl she was, and she wouldn’t be forgiving to find out I had lied to her from the beginning. Since I couldn’t be the man she wanted me to be, my only other option was to leave.

Chapter 17

Sierra

I
stepped into my apartment feeling like a stranger. It was so drab and sad-looking, exactly like I felt. A month ago it had been wreathed in golden rosy colors, a necessary step towards my vision of living a successful life in the city.

Shabby or not, t
his would be gone soon. Victor was so right—I had to depend on myself, or the rug would be pulled out from under me again. It was stupid to rely on Lola when I had seen over the past year that she wasn’t capable of pulling her own weight. I should have made a change sooner instead of waiting until Lola self-destructed.

The situation with
Victor made it even worse. We both were in sad, distant moods on the flight back. I had hoped to prove to him that I was taking care of myself by organizing my room-for-rent hunt, but honesty about my circumstances gained me nothing. His good opinion had already been thoroughly blown. He didn’t want anything to do with me after my fight with Lola.

It was humiliating because
I was falling for Victor. I could hardly think about him without flushing, remembering how he knew my body so well. His voice in my ear would linger with me forever. His touch was seared into my skin, as I remembered how he had lifted me to the stage like I weighed nothing, kissing me like he would never stop.

That was passion
I had never imagined before. It wiped out everything else in my past like it was dust. If I still had that with Victor, I wouldn’t be nearly as upset about Lola’s bombshell. With a man like that by my side, I could get through anything.

But
he wasn’t by my side. He had a whole other life. The way he spoke to the flight attendants so familiarly, and knew them by name, showed his long experience with traveling. I managed to bumble my way through the process again, thankfully without losing any personal items or getting my bag turned inside out this time. But I was uncomfortable the entire trip.

I
had no place in his glamorous life. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I had enough trouble making things better for myself. I didn’t need anyone looking down on me. Especially right now when I was barely treading water.

A knock on the door interrupted
my unpacking. When I went to the peephole, Dick was standing outside.

Irritation flushed through
me. None of this would have happened if Dick hadn’t thrown me in the deep end at the Chamber.

I
flung open the door. “What do you want?”

“I want to see Lola.”

I kept blocking his way. “She’s not here.”

“I can see that. I want to
know where she is.”

“I don’t know. She hasn’t given me her forwarding address.”

As soon as I said it, I realized my mistake. His hand gripped the door, pushing me inward. When we were both inside the tiny kitchen, he shut the door behind us.

“
You mean Lola’s moved out?”

“Yeah.”
The way his eyes shifted made me uneasy. “So you might as well stop trying to stalk her here.”

“Where is she?”

“I told you, I don’t know!” Actually, I did remember the address in Bed-sty that Victor had shown me on the computer. But I wasn’t going to tell Dick that.

He looked at
me with hard eyes. “You better not be lying to me.” With that, he strode into our bedroom.

“Hey! Wait a minute, Dick—“

He opened Lola’s closet and saw the empty space, with the discards left behind. Then he went into the bathroom and rifled through the medicine cabinet. “Gone, it’s all gone!” Whirling on me, he took my arms in both hands, giving me a shake. “Where is she?”

I
tried to get away, but he was too strong. “You’re hurting me, Dick!”

His fingers eased, but he didn’t let go. “Tell me, where is she?”

“She’s living with Martin!” I exclaimed. “Don’t
you
know where? You’ve been spying on her for weeks.”

He finally let
me go. “She quit her job. I’ve been hanging around here but she never shows.”

I
rubbed my arms. I was suddenly glad that I didn’t have to care that Lola had quit her job. That was her problem, not mine. “Take the hint, Dick. She’s moved on. She’s left both of us behind.”

“Not you,” he
protested.

“Yes,
me
. She won’t talk to me anymore.”

“Where were you this weekend? I know where she was because she puts it out there for the world to see.
She was at a pagan bondage festival down in Maryland.”

“
Lola’s a big girl. She’s taking care of herself.”

“
She’s just twenty! What does your mom think? I’d be furious if I was her.”

“I don’t know.”
In fact, our mom knew nothing about what was going on. And I doubted she would care. She would be most afraid that one of us would try to move back to her place. But Dick didn’t know about that. He had only met our mom once, and he had dominated the conversation with his insistence that he could take care of Lola for her. He didn’t realize that our mom had never taken care of Lola. I did.

“So you don’t care
about Lola anymore?” he demanded, like he was reading my mind.

“Lola
’s made her choice. She’s on her own. Like I’m on my own.”

“You’re making a huge mistake. Y
ou’re going to regret it when your sister pays the price.”

I
didn’t like the sound of that. But Dick was sweating and flushed and I didn’t want to rile him up any further. I moved toward the door. “I’ll let you know if I get a forwarding address from her, Dick.”

He hesitated. “You better not be lying to me.”

“Why would I lie? I’m mad at Lola. If I could, I’d sic you on her in a heartbeat.”

He must have heard
my very real anger because he finally backed down. “Make sure you do.”

It was tense going until
I got him out the door and bolted it behind him. I had never been scared of Dick before, but he had scared me when he grabbed my arms. I rubbed the reddened skin. Lola had said he wasn’t a nice guy sometimes. Maybe she had seen this side of him, too.

It was not good.

I wished I had someone to talk to about this. When I turned out the light on the empty apartment, with the sounds of the city pressing in on all sides, I had never felt so lonely. I almost looked forward to the idea of moving to an apartment where I had roommates. At least I wouldn’t be alone anymore.

...

Over the next few days, all of my free time was spent on the subway going from room sublet to roommate shares. So many people were desperately looking for a place this close to the end of the month that I started to run into the same faces—like the red-headed guy on the bike and the girl who wore a black watch cap even though we were going through a hot and humid spell.

The entire city stank in the
summer heat wave, as if warning me that New York was going to pound me into the ground before it was done with me. Any illusion I had that hard work would be enough was destroyed by this dismal come-down from my apartment to a measly room share.

It was heartbreaking to be judged and dismissed by the people showing
off their apartments, sometimes before I opened my mouth. I didn’t know whether it was because I was young or because my income was scary and nobody wanted to trust it. They were eyeing me like I was a potential Lola, and it was infuriating because I didn’t get into this state by my own doing. Unless you considered trusting my sister to be a fault.

The apartments were not good, and the ones that were
barely acceptable had serious flaws, like a very long commute or weird roommates. I started to think I didn’t want to room with men. The way they looked at me was not right. Not if I wanted to be able to get milk from the fridge at night.

Work
ing the pavement brought back memories of when I was eighteen and had just graduated from high school, and was eager to get started with my new life in the city. I had hoped for a studio apartment of my own, but that cost too much for me. So I had looked at roommate share situations and found that nobody would rent to me until I had a job for six months.