ROCKED BY THE WAVES (26 page)

A PAINTING BY CÉZANNE

A couple of days later, as agreed, we started our journey back home. We got there in three days, but as we were riding, I noticed I hadn’t asked Alex where to address the note I would send him.

I knew he wanted us to be friends or, even better, to get back together, but that was so stupid I couldn’t even consider the idea. Especially after our meeting.

I sent a note to his hotel anyway and gave him Miss Rogers’ address, to send his reply. Miss Rogers got a note from A.W. and a bouquet. For me. Keir was very unhappy about that.

«He sent you camellias, which means devotions! Can you believe that? He is telling you he is your devoted lover! I don’t want you to meet him again. Ever again!»

«Keir, he’s Edward’s father. I will have to meet him...»

«It’s me, the one who will meet him!»

He was so angry that he walked away making as much noise as he could. I was stuck. I was angry too, but I knew it was impossible to get him to change his mind.

After a few unpleasant days, he came to talk to me.

«I’m sorry, my dear», he said smoothly. He was trying to be sweet and truly looked as if he had repented. I knew we would fight about Alex again, but I decided to make it up.

«I’m sorry too, but I can’t avoid him...»

«I know you can’t...»

On August, my father came to see us, with Renny and Robert. It was great and I needed them to cheer me up. I was surprised to see that, even if dad had always been friendly with Sam, he had welcomed Keir at once in the family. Dad was a strong man, a leader. But he had changed and now he was a sweet grandpa and an affectionate father. Keir called him “dad” and they trusted each other. I believed Keir needed such a parental figure in his life.

Renny and Robert, on the other hand, had loved Sam very much. They had been true friends and they had had a very special affection for one another. Renny was still coping with Keir’s arrival into the family. He knew Keir loved me and he also knew that my husband was extremely good to me. But Sam would always be Sam. Robert sided with Renny, of course.

I took a decision. I would tell Renny everything about Sam. I wanted to talk to him about Edward and many, many things that had left me empty lately. I needed him to like Keir, most of all, so I told him everything. We never spoke about that again.

At dinner, Renny announced that he would go for a ride in Boston with Robert.

«Boston? Is this a business thing?», daddy asked.

«Not really, but I think making connections there would be useful».

He smiled at me.

«And I believe Robert might make interesting connections as well, so moving there might be a... real option».

Edward and Marcus were overexcited about that.

«Oh, uncle Renny! Can we come stay with you? I mean, as soon as we will start university...», Marcus asked.

Renny smiled at him.

«I think it would be great».

They both stood up and went to hug their uncles.

«Uncle Robert might help us!», Marcus smiled.

«I will help you, but you will need to study hard. Boston is a taught university and you will need to keep up with the classes».

They were happy and we toasted to their studies. Before going to bed, I talked to Renny.

«I am very happy that you decided to do this. But Marcus and Edward are kids... it will be hard for you. I don’t want you to take this responsibility».

He hugged me and I felt much better. He was my brother, after all. He was the person I trusted the most.

«You know I would love to look after your kids. I want to be part of their lives...»

I was moved.

When I got to my bedroom, I found that Keir was reading a book. His hair was shining and his eyes were incredibly green. He looked like a painting by Cézanne. I was charmed.

I didn’t want to sleep. I was lonely and happy at the same time. I hugged him and we talked a lot. We talked about everyday stuff, like our kids, Moon’s flowers, a new dress for Jasmine, the kitty Jodie had found. He told me about his tasks for the day after.

«What about our son? How’s he? How are you?», he asked putting his ear on my belly.

«We are both fine. Are you?»

«I am, when you are with me. I think we should tell your family about the baby».

«What about tomorrow?»

And so we announced the news.

Daddy smiled at us, Renny and Robert kissed me. Edward and Marcus told us they had always known we would have a baby. Jasmine was happy and so was Jodie. Anish was not, though.

«What about me?», he asked.

«You are my beloved baby», I said.

Renny and Robert left for Boston. Twenty days later, they were back.

«We found a warehouse! It’s a three-floor-building, near the harbor. And we found a house, near a park and, of course, near the university and the college».

My kids would need to go to college, before being able to apply for the university.

«The house is great! Four floors, ivy all over the walls, a big kitchen, a huge dining room. We have four bedrooms, two studios and we were thinking we might give the whole fourth floor to the kids. We already bought it»

Dad was proud of them. And worried. But he knew Renny would sort things out.

«I can’t believe you will be moving to America! You are the most crazy people I know. I’m so proud of you».

After dinner, Renny came to tak to me.

«We met Alex. He has just moved to Boston and I believe you know why... what shall we do?»

I stood silent for a while.

«Let’s behave as Sam wanted us to. Let’s just see what happens...»

«He asked me if you are doing okay, and I told him I hadn’t had a chance to meet you. I don’t think he believed me. He will find out where you live, sooner or later».

«I know, but... let’s not worry about that now. So... what about our house in London? And when will you be moving to Boston?»

«We’ll go back to London as soon as possible. We’ll try to sort things out as quickly as we can. But I don’t think we’ll be able to move to Boston before the spring... dad will decide what to do with our house is London. It’s his, after all».

We had grown up there and all my mother’s memories were linked to that house.

TAUGH DECISIONS

Dana was the secretary of an important lawyer in New York. She was getting home after a tiring day. She had been busy with some Japanese businessmen who were supposed to sign some papers for her boss, Mr Johnson. None of them spoke English and she couldn’t speak Japanese, so it had been hard to understand each other.

She was walking home. She would be meeting Samuel Peterson later on, because they were going to have dinner with a couple of friends. Thinking of Samuel made her feel awkward. He was a charming blue-eyed man. They had met in Manhattan, in a bank she visited on a regular basis. They had been going out for two months now. They used to take long walks and talk about everything. She used to tell him her little secrets, but he had never been allowed to visit her apartment.

She would have liked to kiss him, but he had never made any move. He was very handsome, though, so she decided she would try and let him understand that she wanted something more from him than a simple friendship.

Dana was getting dressed, when the intercom rang.

«I’m here! I’ll wait for you downstairs».

«Do come up, Samuel. I am still getting dressed».

She thought it would be a wise move, to let him look at her as she was dressing up. She opened the door and went back to her bedroom.

She heard the door being shut.

«Liam and Jace are waiting for us at the restaurant, Dana».

He was still in the hall. She wore a dress and left it open on the back. Then she went to meet him.

«Will you help me, please? I can’t close this...»

He did as he was told.

«Let’s go now», he said.

Dana turned to him and looked into his eyes. He was tall. She approached his lips and tried to kiss him, but he stepped back.

«I just can’t, Dana. I am in love with someone else but right now I can’t be with her. I’m sorry. I really am. Let’s stay friends».

She went to her bedroom and shut the door, then she started crying.

Friends. The truth was that Sam had already got the information he needed from Dana. He was about to break it up, but she had made things easier for him.

He wanted Claire so bad. She was everything to him.

He spent the nights thinking about her. He missed their kids. They were so full of life. What were they doing now? They were the best thing he could thing of, except for Claire.

She was with someone else now and it was all his fault. He had told her to marry that man. But he had wanted her to be happy, to take chances.

He used to dream about her. It was so real, that sometimes he woke up feeling that she was there.

He had so many names and identities, that Sam Mac Gregor was just a memory. Samuel Campbell, Samuel Peterson, Samuil Volkov. Peterson was working in a bank, Volvov was a Colonnel.

Sauvage was his most common name. He was a man who didn’t hesitate when it came to killing. But all he wanted was Claire. He wanted to get rid of his masks, to get her back.

But how?

He had an idea.

~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~

It was October and it was cold. It had been raining a lot and there had been many storms. The kids and I had been forced to stay home for many days, so they had been studying a lot lately.

I was four-months pregnant. I could feel the baby moving inside of me. It was awkward and exciting. My days were boring, though. I got tired quickly and I couldn’t do many things. I was unable to sleep, most of all.

«You are beautiful and our soon will look like an angel», Keir used to say.

He was always touching my belly.

«He will look like the both of us».

He smiled at me. I knew I had lost something, though. I had lost my true love and I was struggling to keep everything together.

«No, he will look just like you. He’ll be beautiful, kind and smart».

He was in love and happy. I envied him. He was an affectionate father, someone the kids could count on. I respected him much, because of that. He was many things to me and to our family, but it was Sam the one I dreamt of at night.

I was alone in the woods. I was looking for flowers. I could hear the wind through the leaves. I didn’t see him coming.

«Claire, my dear, let’s so to the beach», he said as he kissed my forehead.

«Things will be fine. Let’s go! Let’s bath. Let the waves rock you...»

I looked at him. The sea was in his eyes. They were so blue. I was so happy.

Then I woke up crying. My heart was broken. I loved Keir and he loved me back, but he was not Sam.

After a few days, I was finally able to take a walk.

It was windy, but sunny. I needed to be free.

«Are you sure you can walk alone? I can always come with you», he kissed me.

«I’ll go on my own. I’ll be back soon».

But I fell. I stumbled over a root and fell for many metres. My belly was hurting. I was loosing blood.

I had never lived anything of the sort, so I was unable to think straight. Sam was not with me, my whole life was going to pieces and I was losing my baby.

I had always been a good wife and a good mother, but my life was meaningless now. I started screaming. I was angry and scared, I cried. I didn’t want the life I was living. I wanted Sam.

I was tired.

When Keir found me, he looked worried: «What happened?»

He took me in his arms. My skirt was wet. He took me home. I was unable to speak and at some point I felt the fog taking me away. I could hear voices. Where was I? I could hear Moon. Someone undressed me and washed my body. When I woke up, I was in our room. It was dark and silent.

Some three days after, I was able to speak.

«I am so sorry», I said Keir.

He was pale and scared. He had been taking care of me throughout those days.

«We were so scared», he whispered.

«Keir, I don’t want another child».

«I just want you to be fine».

I loved the way he put me first. I was his everything. But something had broken once again and I didn’t know if I’d be able to put the pieces together. Once again.

~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~

The months flew by. I was slowly beginning to feel better.

On March Renny had come to see us, but he had left for Boston at once. The kids were happy about going to college. Jasmine was attending an art school. Jodie and Anish seemed to be collecting animals. Keir was really suffocating me. He was worried. I just didn’t want to talk about what had happened. I rather be alone, than with him.

Moon had left for a few days.

I hadn’t been going into the woods for months. On May, I decided to take a walk.

«Keir, just don’t worry, but I feel like walking alone for a while».

He looked at me. He didn’t want me to walk alone, but he knew I needed to. I hugged him and he hugged me back.

«I love you and always will. No matter what, I will stand by your side», he said.

I could hear his heart beating. I left.

~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~

I walked without heading anywhere specific. I was not in a hurry, because the kids were studying.

Keir has stopped Anish from following me.

«Please, let mom go. She needs a moment alone. She will be back».

I walked and walked. Being far from the farm made me some good. I felt more peaceful and free. I was feeling light and young, just like I used to when I did charity. I could remember how I had felt when AW had sent me our first bouquet. I had been so terribly happy. I could remember how I had felt when I had been sleeping in the cave with Sam. I could remember sailing for Nova Scotia. I started laughing. Those were my happy moments, that was the Claire I really was. I found myself in the cave.

It was dark and humid, just as I recalled it. It was cold. I touched the rocks and as I did so, I started screaming his name. I asked myself why, why it was like that. Screaming was erasing confusion and pain from my soul. I sat on the ground and looked at the shadows.

«Claire!», someone whispered.

I stood still. Was I going crazy? It was him.

He came to me.

«It is my fault, Claire. I should have told you the truth. I should have».

He was the most charming man I had ever seen. He was wearing glasses and his hair was tied up.

«I want you, Claire. I still want you. You may hate me, if you like to, but I’d die for you».

I took his glasses off. His eyes were so blue. He had a small scar, though. I touched it. He hadn’t been sleeping in days, that was clear.

«I love you Sam, but I can’t live like this».

«Neither can I».

We remained silent for a while.

«I messed up, Claire. I did. I am responsible for all of this. I wanted to protect you, but I messed up. You are feeling pain because of me. You have been struggling because of me. It is all my fault. I am dangerous, Claire. I have secrets and... I can’t tell you everything about what I’ve done. I cheated, tricked and killed. But I love you and you are the only person that matters to me».

We looked at each other.

«What is it that you want from me?»

«You. I want you».

It was as if my heart had just been stabbed. A dagger was making me bleed and I lost all self-control.

I cried and punched his chest.

«Why? Why? Why!», I screamed and crying.

«I tried to, but I just can’t live without you».

We both fell on the ground and he hugged me.

«I can’t either».

He handed me a handkerchief. He dried my tears.

«What shall we do now?»

«I’ve been thinking about this and I have a plan».

I looked at him.

«Claire, this might mean that you would have to hide for the rest of your life. You might have to run from place to place, change your identity and...»

He thought he had scared me, but he had not.

«He will look for you, Claire. And we won’t be able to see the kids for a while...»

I was ready to do that. I knew we would meet them again, because Sam loved them. I was worried about Keir, though. I didn’t want to be parted from dad and Renny.

«It’s gonna be hard, Claire».

«Why did you tell me to marry him?»

«I wanted you to be looked after. Especially if I was going to die...»

«So now I’m not in danger anymore?»

«No. Not anymore».

«What about those men? They know where we live».

«They... don’t. Not now. I am here, Claire...»

I took a deep breath.

«Claire, nothing will happen to Keir».

What did I want to do? I loved Keir, but I loved Sam more. Was I ready to leave everything behind? I couldn’t even think of the possibility of saying goodbye to dad. But Sam was alive. He was not a dream. He was standing right in front of me. I could hear him breathing.

«How can I trust you? You abandoned me. You lied to me».

«I won’t do that again, I swear».

I looked him in the eyes.

«Our life was perfect. You were everything I needed. But you left and you didn’t even tell me why. I left my kids to come look for you. You never told me the truth. I don’t even know where you’ve been living throughout these years. Don’t you dare lie to me again. I won’t let you lie to me ever again!»

«I know that. I promise I will do my best. I will tell you the truth. I love you! I didn’t sleep with any woman, I swear. I’ve been dreaming of you every night, Claire. I can’t stop thinking about you».

He seemed sincere. He seemed fragile.

He was charming. And his soul was naked in front of mine.

We hugged without even noticing it. We felt each other’s body.

«I can’t live without you».

«Then don’t go», I whispered.

We kissed. It was sweet, but passionate. It was like a rebirth, a sacred moment. He was the man I loved. I would always love him.

«So. What’s the plan?», I asked.

He took a deep breath, then he whispered into my ear what was on his mind.

I couldn’t breathe. I was speechless. Then we looked each other in the eyes. And everything was clear to me.

..........
that is everything… for now.