ROCKED BY THE WAVES (22 page)

LOST IN A SEARCH

It was August, when I got a note from Alex. It was to fix our meeting.

I was impatient. I was unable to stay still and wait.

«Keir, my dear, it is so hot today… I can’t seem to breath».

«Let’s go for a walk, then».

Renny smiled. «Yes, you both should go for a walk».

«I’ll take Claire to the National Gallery».

We went out. He was happy and he liked to tease me. We spent the day chattering and walking. I felt much better then. I liked the National Gallery quite a lot. I loved Raffaello, Tiziano and art in general. I enjoyed the paintings much, because they had so much to tell me. The colours, the people, the technique… I could lose myself in a painting.

When we got back home, I was exhausted. We had dinner and I went straight to bed.

At sunrise, I woke up. Keir was still sleeping and hugging me. I got up and went to the bathroom. I wanted to take a bath. The only sound was the twittering of the birds. It was an ordinary day, but to me it was not. I was going to get a divorce. Hopefully.

I missed Nova Scotia and my kids. Eddy, Marcus, Jasmine, Jodie and Anish. I missed Sam. I felt tears pouring out of my eyes. When would I see him again? I loved Keir and I was happy to have him around. But Sam was the love of my life. His kids would always remind me of him and I would wait for him to come back to me.

Keir woke up and came to look for me.

«I’m here! Taking a bath», I said.

«Are you okay?»

«Sure».

«Don’t lie to me, Claire. I know you miss the kids and…»

«Please, Keir. Let’s focus on today. We have a divorce to get».

He kissed me on the forehead.

«I’ll stand by you, Claire. Will you ever love me the way you love him?»

I hugged him.

«I just want to know he is okay».

«He’ll get in touch, Claire».

We kissed for a long time.

«Let’s get dressed, come on».

We got to the lawyer’s much earlier than expected. Lord George Alexander Martin. He had a practice in a huge building. It was elegant and it was clear that Lord George must have been a wealthy man. The place was packed with books, papers, book shelves. None of the secretaries took notice of us.

A small man came to meet us. He had a big nose and he was elegantly dressed.

«Madame Claire! It is a pleasure to meet you».

He told us to follow him.

We got into a big room. The ceiling was marvellously painted and the most big desk occupied the centre of the room. Behind it, the library was filled with old books.

«Please, take a seat. Alexander will be here in a few minutes. My name is George Alexander Martin, I’m the lawyer of the Wilsons. Alexander says the two of you have been fighting for a while, but he hopes to get over this... as a couple».

I was about to say something, but Keir touched my hand.

«I believe Alexander will make an offer. It may be interesting for Mr Murphy as well».

«I’m sorry to say this, but I don’t want to listen to Alex’s offers. I just want to divorce him. I married him, which was a mistake, but now I want to divorce, which is the right thing to do. If that’s not something you think I could get, then I believe we have wasted your time».

«Madame, I was told you have a temper. Won’t you listen to him?»

«You tell me what he wants to say, but then I’ll tell you what I want».

«He wants you to get his country estate and he wants you to take his house in Paris for some three months per year. You won’t be living in London anymore, but he will come to visit you. On those days, he will be your husband. You will have lovers, as many as you like, but when you’ll be with Alex, you’ll behave like a caring wife. He will give you money».

I looked at Keir, who had turned red.

«That’s ridiculous. I won’t accept this. But I have something to tell Alex in person, so I suggest he contacts me».

I stood up and left. When we reached the street, I took a deep breath.

«How could I marry such a jerk? I must have been drunk and now I am so angry. He believes I have lovers! Lovers!»

«My dear, don’t worry. You’ll get a divorce».

And I actually did. I met Lord George several times and arranged the whole thing. I never saw Alex, though, which made it impossible to let him know about Edward.

One morning, I decided to go visit my ex husband.

When I got to his house, I looked at the dépendance. Painful memories left me breathless. Keir and I sat in the living room. A footman told us Alex was out, but we could wait for him.

«I think the footman is Indian», Keir said.

When Alex got home, the footman announced us.

«There are guests, my lord».

«I was not waiting for anybody, so tell them to leave at once».

«I believe you’ll want to meet them, my lord».

He came to us.

«Alex, I’m sorry I came here, but I need to talk to you».

«That’s your house as well... for the moment. Lord Martin said you are not really willing to cooperate... why?»

«I need you to listen to me now».

He looked at me.

«I have been looking for you everywhere and now that you are here you ask me for a divorce».

«Things can’t change, Alex. Not anymore. I have a house, a family and I want to stick to that. Keir is the man I want to marry».

«What do you mean by “a family”?»

«I have four sons. I have a farm, a charming one. I just want to go back to my life. And I want you to meet your son, as soon as he is old enough».

He turned pale and sat.

«I have a... son».

«You do. He is named Edward and he is the most beautiful little boy in the world. He is smart and kind. He looks like you».

He was stuck and speechless.

«I want to meet him. When can I meet him?»

«We live very far from here and he is too young now. Come visit him, though. We’ll tell him you are a relative. When he is old enough, we can tell him you are his father».

Alex seemed to think about it.

«Alright then. I’ll go see Lord Martin tomorrow. We’ll get it all sorted out».

He stood up and came to me. I hugged him.

«You know why I am doing this, right?».

«You want to meet Edward. That’s what matters now».

«I’m doing this for you. I love you and I don’t want you to disappear once again».

HILLS AND SHEEPS

Two days later, I signed the paper that freed me from Alex.

I was feeling awkward, though. He had been a constant thought and it was just sad to part from him.

Alex had behaved very kindly. He had given me the papers and I had signed them. That had been it.

At springtime, he would come to Nova Scotia to meet Edward. I hadn’t told him where it was that I was living. Renny would do it, because I was still recovering from the shock of being a divorced woman.

I wanted so bad to talk to Sam.

Keir and I would get married in the Costwolds and then head to New York. The Costwolds was a marvellous site filled with woods and hills. Wold meant hill, and cot was the enclosure. I used to go there with my family, when my father was on a business trip. We used to stop there and visit my mother’s connections, but when she died we decided to give it up. It was too painful.

I liked the site, which was full of churches, cottages and villages. It was all very magic. Keir and I brought all the documents we would need to get married. We chose a small church and had a very quick ceremony. We both cried.

When he put the ring on my finger, he smiled and I noticed that he was truly happy. It was all he had wanted for a long time. We sat on the grass and laughed afterwards. We were holding hands as the sky turned gray.

«Let’s go, Claire. We have a train to catch».

We caught the train and hugged throughout the whole journey.

I was happy, but I missed Sam.

«Keir, I need to tell you something».

«Sure, my dear».

«It’s about Sam».

He looked at me. I didn’t know how to say it.

«I love you and I love Sam. When and if I get a chance to meet him, I need you to let me do that. I need to talk to him».

He was speechless and angry.

«Are you really asking me to give you my permission to sleep with him?»

«That’s not what I said».

«Not what you said!», he screamed.

«You know I love him and always will».

«You are my wife and you can’t talk to me like this».

«Alright, then. Take the ring back».

I gave him the ring. He took my arm.

«I’m sorry. We will talk about this...»

I knew I was asking him much. He tried to give me my ring back.

I didn’t accept it and barely talked to him throughout the following hours.

When we got to Liverpool, I still wasn’t talking to him. Liverpool was very nice. It was near river Mersey, in front of Wirral. It was a crucial city. Its history was based on a series of commercial exchanges. The most important thing in Liverpool was the harbor.

The buildings were elegant and severe. There were factories and immigrants all over the city.

We got to our ship and were taken to our room. A small one.

When we were left alone, he came to me and gave me the ring.

«I’m sorry. When we were in Paris, I was scared. But still, I never asked you anything about him and... Please, look at me. I can’t bear to be without you».

«I told you I don’t like being told what to do».

«It is hard, Claire. You know it is».

«But did you think about what I asked you?»

«I did».

«So?»

He hugged me and kissed me on the forehead.

«I love you. I am doing my best... I am making all sort of efforts. I don’t want to lose you...»

«You won’t lose me, but I will need to see him».

We kissed and we made love passiontely.

When it was over, we hugged.

«I love you and can’t be without you», he whispered.

«I love you».

«And could you live without me?»

«I couldn’t».

It was true. I loved him, because he loved me in a very deep way. He was brave, generous and willing to do his best. He was protecting my family. And I was lonely, so I needed him.

Sam was the love of my life and yes, I wanted to be with him. But Keir was the one who was there now.

A STREET OF WALLS

We had been travelling for a few days. We were standing on the deck, looking at the waves and the doplhins.

«Would you want another son?»

I was stuck.

«Don’t you want it?»

«I already have four...»

«Edward will go away, you know. He’s smart, rich and... well, he is Alex Wilson’s son».

He was right. If Sam had been here, maybe things would have been different. But he was not.

«Yes, but I won’t have another son just because Edward might leave...»

«So you don’t want a son? Our son?»

«We have Anish...»

He looked at his feet.

«So the answer is no?»

«I didn’t say the answer is no. But five kids is quite a lot... they have to get over Sam’s departure and they will have to cope with... us. Let’s go back to normal first».

He caressed my cheek.

«Alright then».

The captain approached us.

«It’s great, isn’t it?»

«You mean the dolphins?», Keir asked.

Brandon Clarke had golden eyes and hair. He wasn’t especially tall, but he was a pleasant man and he was charismatic. He had been a soldier, but now he was a sailor. He was a married man, but his job kept him away from home for many months each and every year. We spent our evenings talking about books, playing chess or telling tales.

«Yes, they are smart creatures. They live in herds. Male doplhins never abandon their mother. In California the Chumash think that dolphins are our brothers. In Greece they tell many tales about dolphins. And they even seem to be messengers announcing us that the godnesses are coming on Earth».

He was a real storyteller. You would never stop listening to him. He had travelled quite a lot, so he knew many tales. He was often alone.

As chattering with him, we heard a shot. We were in the middle of nowhere, so it was awkward. We looked around and saw that a shallop was being put into the sea.

«It’s Mr Hill. When he sees a shark, he just... you know, his leg was injured few years ago. Now he just can’t stand sharks».

«Where are they going?»

«He killed the shark, so they are going to get the body. We’ll cook it».

Once in New York, we found a pleasant atmosphere. It was the end of September and it was still warm. The city was very vital and the people were all very busy. It was clear that New York was going to become a crucial city. I liked the chaos and the melting pot.

We were staying in a small hotel down the Greenwich Village. It had been recommended to us by the captain Clarke.

«Miss Rogers is the owner. She is a nice middle-aged woman. It’s a nice neighbourhood and you should be fine. She is a good friend and she will be kind to you».

When we asked him where the Greenwich Village was, he replied: «South-east Manhattan. The site had been bought in the XVIIth century from the Lenapes. The Hollanders paid in goods for it, you know? It was 24 dollars. A wall was built to defend it, in the XVIIIth century. But then it was destroyed. Still, the site is now called Wall Street».

When we got to the hotel, we found that it was a nice building. The furniture was elegant and there even were some Tiffany abat-jours.

A small, fat woman came to meet us. She wore a violet dress. She seemed nice.

«Good morning, dears. My name is Miss Rogers. May I help you?»

«My name is Keir Murphy and this is my wife, Claire. Captain Clarke recommended us your hotel».

«Dear Brandon! How’s he?»

«He is very fine».

«I’ll show you your room».

We were taken to a nice room. There were curtains at the windows and a nice sofa in the middle of the room. The bed was big. There was even a terrace which was packed with flowers.

«We like it very much, thank you».

Miss Rogers looked at us, then she smiled.

«I’ll let you rest».

She left.

«I so want to take a bath...»

«Do you want me to help you?»

«No, thank you».

I relaxed as much as I could, as long as I could. When I was back to our bedroom, I found that Keir had fallen asleep. After a while, someone knocked on the door.

«There’s a message for you, Madame».

I took the white envelope. It was from Sam. I went to the bathroom, shut the door behind me and opened it.

My dear Claire,

I’d love to be with you now.

I am happy that you got married and I feel much better knowing that someone is taking care of you. I will keep an eye on you, nonetheless.

I’m sure you told Alex about Edward. Let them meet. I will help you with that.

I love you and always will. I don’t know when I will be able to meet you, but please know that time won’t change what I feel for you.

I’ll keep in touch.

Yours,

Sam

I cried. The paper smelt like Sam.

When I was able to wash my face, I hid the letter in my pocket. Keir was still sleeping. I sat on the sofa.

I needed to wait for him to wake up, for Sam to write to me again, for us to be back home. Was Sam in New York, then? I didn’t want to be unfair to Keir, but I loved Sam.

«What are you thinking about?», Keir asked.

«Nothing, I’m just hungry», I said.

«Me too. What shall we eat?»

«Mmh... I don’t know».

«I’ll take you somewhere. Clarke recommended the place. We’ll have pastrami and bagel».

I found out that bagels were rolls of bread. They were boiled and then cooked. They could be served with anything inside of them. We walked through the Village and got lost. We got to the heart of the neighbourhood anyway. It was the sunset. We sat on a bench and Keir hugged me.

«You know, Clara, this arch is like the one in Paris», said a man next to us. He was sitting with a nice lady.

Young couples and a few men were walking around us.

«This place was a swamp, then it became a cemetery. In 1797 the city bought an old farm and made that become a cemetery», said the man.

«Your students must be very proud of you», said Clara.

«Oh, they don’t care about an old professor».

I was charmed by that couple.

«Claire? Are you listening to me?»

I looked at Keir.

«Look at that couple».

«They are sweet, aren’t they?»

I shook my head.

«But so we are», he said and he kissed me.

«Are you a bit jealous of me, Claire?»

«What?»

«Remember that man in Paris? Men look at you and... they think about things».

«Oh, Keir... I don’t even notice men...»

«I’m glad you don’t. You keep me busy anyway...»

«If you are talking about my wish to meet Sam, you may as well shut up».

He took a deep breath.

«I promised myself we would never fight», he said.

He was sweet. He was jealous, but he was trying not to argue with me.

«I wish you trusted me, Keir».

«Let’so go back, shall we?»

We got back to the hotel.

It was like playing chess, when it came to our relationship. He was a good player, though. He was patient and fetchy. I didn’t like to lie to him, but I just couldn’t tell him about Sam’s letter.

By the time we got to our room, he seemed to have forgotten everything about our fight. I was getting undressed, when he took me in his arms and kissed me. He kissed my neck as well and I felt peaceful. Feelings took over and we made love spontaneously. Making love was the only thing we could really do together. It was magic. I caressed his back.

«How many women have you been sleeping with?»

He turned pale.

«Many, but you already know that. I’m sorry about my... past life».

I remained silent for a while.

«Will you be sleeping with other women? From now on, I mean».

He looked at me.

«Claire, I love you and won’t risk losing you. Right? I’m a married man now. I could never do anything to you that could hurt you. I’m not like... you and Sam».

«Not like...»

That had been unkind.

«Listen. I don’t trust him, Claire. I trust you, but I don’t trust him. He abandoned you and your children. He didn’t choose the right thing. If he will be back, I won’t let you put me aside. You are mine now, and this is final».

He took my hands and kept them still. Then he forced me to open my legs with his knee.

«What are you...?»

He entered my body.

«I know you like it, Claire. Don’t pretend you don’t».

He started pushing inside of me.

«I won’t lose you, Claire».

He unleashed my hands and we made love once again.