ROAR (43 page)

She was beginning to sound like him—although what he’d been doing these past four years was anything but living.

“Krist…Roar…No, actually I do mean Kristoffer.” He grinned as she tried to say whatever it was she had on her mind. “I hope our being together doesn’t cause you any…regrets. I know we’ve come a long way—since we came out here, especially. But I’m open to taking this relationship further when you’re ready.”

“I’d like that, too, Sprite.” He truly did, more than anything he’d dared to hope for in ages.

“If we can’t find our way as a couple and the Dom/sub dynamic doesn’t work out for us, then I’d still want you to be my Top. You have amazing skills with mind training—and mindfucks—not to mention the flogger and whatever else you used tonight.”

“Let’s take it one day at a time.” In reality, she might not want to continue seeing him as a Top or in any other capacity. It was never easy to backpedal after becoming more intimate with someone. Choosing not to speculate about their future together, he asked, “You couldn’t tell what it was?”

“Well, as you may have noticed, my mind can trip me up.”

She brought him back to the moment. “In my fantasy, I wanted you to use your belt on me, but I suspect in the real-life scene, you actually used a tawse.”

“You would be correct.”

She smiled in triumph.

“I need to have a better idea for when we have another scene as to your tolerance level. On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the highest pain level reached in the various scenes we did tonight?”

“A ten.”

He raised his brows. Why hadn’t she used her safewords?

Then she broke out in a grin. “That would have been for the rice counting part.”

Such a brat.

“But the paddling and flogging was a four. The wax play? Well, the mindfuck came in at an eight, but only briefly.”

For someone who had said she wasn’t particularly into pain, she had a high tolerance. Over time, no doubt it would become even higher. Paddling and flogging seemed to be areas where she could go much further.

“I don’t always want to hit my limit on pain, of course. This was perfect for a short scene, just enough to send me into an orgasm.”

“I’ll keep that in mind next time.” He closed his eyes and pulled her toward him, resting his chin on the top of her head. A comfortable silence stretched out between them.

Despite earlier worries about whether he’d been right to suggest they date and continue in their Dom/sub explorations when they returned to Denver, he forced down the anxiety he felt about Tori. His head told him there wasn’t much he could do for her these days except provide a safe environment and visit her.

Pamela had offered to see to his needs, something he’d been missing.

Face it, man, you’ve enjoyed beyond reason what the two of you have shared these past few days.

Especially tonight.

Pamela’s body grew heavier. Was she falling asleep?

Intense didn’t begin to cover the range of emotions he felt, but in this moment, he was providing Pamela with what she needed. That gave him an immense level of comfort.

He’d worry tomorrow about what the hell to do about his little sprite once the magic of tonight had ended.

*     *     *

“Time to wake up, Sprite.”

Pamela blinked her gritty eyes a few times, but only saw darkness. Gradually, they adjusted to the dim lights from the stereo.

Feeling the hard chest her head rested against, she remembered where she was—sitting on Roar’s lap.

No, Kristoffer’s.

Both, actually.

Awareness made her sit up straight. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to pass out on you.”

“Stop apologizing. I’m honored you trusted me enough to fall asleep like that. I enjoyed holding you.”

His arms surrounding her made her feel cherished. “Kristoffer…” Calling him Roar or Sir now didn’t feel right at the moment. “About what happened tonight.”

He stopped her flow of words with a finger to her lips. “Let’s not discuss it further until you’ve had a good night’s sleep and time to journal your thoughts.”

She nodded. Maybe that would help her sort out her feelings better.

“Why don’t we head down to visit your mom tomorrow?”

He was going to put up walls again. Clearly, he needed some space. She started to extricate herself from his lap, but his arms impeded her escape. Confused about his mixed signals, she met his gaze.

“Pamela, I want to do more exploring with you, but I’m going to need some time, too.”

“I understand.”

He sobered. “That makes one of us. You confuse me, Sprite, flitting into my life and shining your brilliant beams of light into the caverns left dark so long ago.”

A wistfulness in his eyes made her act on impulse, if only to ease his pain. She leaned forward, brushing her lips on his whiskered cheek in a chaste kiss.

“I’m here for you, Kristoffer. You set the pace.”

Before she could continue, he took her head between his hands and guided her lips to his. Hard and unforgiving, his hands held her captive, drawing her in.
Yes!
She wanted this. A tugging at her hair pulled her head back, and her mouth opened wider. His tongue invaded and danced with her own as she held onto the back of his head, afraid Kristoffer would come to his senses and end the kiss sooner than she wanted.

And then he retreated. Before he added another apology to the mix, she placed her fingers against his lips where seconds ago he’d been plundering her willing mouth. “I think I’d better get off your lap before we venture down a path you may not want to take to its logical conclusion.” Not waiting for him to say anything more, she stood and faced Kristoffer. “Thank you for taking such good care of me tonight. And for allowing me to have that incredible orgasm.”

His face looked thunderstruck for a moment before he grinned. “The pleasure was all mine.” Kristoffer stood and lifted her hand to his lips. “Good night, Sprite. Sleep well.” His lips brushed her knuckles, and a thousand butterflies took flight in her abdomen.

Oh, man.
She had it bad.

He lowered her hand, turned her around, and patted her on the butt to encourage her to move toward her room. She grinned.

Before she left, though, she turned back to him. “When did you want to hit the road tomorrow?” She’d hoped they’d get to stay here and explore longer, but if he wanted his space, she’d give it to him.

“No set time. Let’s sleep in without alarms and just head down whenever we’re ready.”

“Sounds good. See you at breakfast.”

The door closed behind her with a snick. Inside, she realized she still wore his dress shirt, covering her to below the knees. Deciding to sleep in it, she crawled into bed, reaching for her journal and a pen.

Kristoffer needed space to grow, but not enough to bury him alive again. He might try to push her away again, maybe as early as tomorrow morning, but she was more determined than ever to focus on bringing more joy and light into that man’s life. While his loyalty and faithfulness were honorable—and she’d never pull him away from his wife—Kristoffer deserved happiness, too.

She was glad he was talking with a counselor in Denver. He could be dealing with trust issues. Survivor guilt. Perhaps even punishing himself for what had happened to Tori. He might not be able to accept comfort and solace from anyone, choosing instead to cut himself off from the world.

If stuck there, would she ever be able to reach him?

Well, like her and most people, what Kristoffer wanted and what he needed were two different things. She had no doubt that he needed her.

She wasn’t going to give up on him.

O
ut of the corner of his eye, Kristoffer noticed Pamela picking at her nail polish as they drove across the Golden Gate Bridge and exited onto California 1 to continue south. He didn’t understand why this visit to her mom’s had put a damper on her mood when they’d left early this morning, but life was too precarious. He’d hate for her to have regrets if something should happen to her mother.

For him, leaving Sonoma for a while would help him escape the past, which should have been the whole point of this vacation. He’d botched the job by hitting the automatic button and choosing a place where he’d be bombarded with memories of Tori.

To his credit, he’d corrected that trajectory and allowed himself to create new memories—with Pamela.

The floodgates of loneliness had burst open in Sonoma, and now his heart was filling up with new memories—those involving Pamela. The realizations he’d come to in the shower after their bike ride left him feeling no shame or regrets about any of it, which surprised him. Was he coming to terms with Pamela being a major part of his life? With being her Dom?

He hoped so. He enjoyed being with her.

But the valley had still been filled with too many ghosts, so taking a break from Sonoma would give them a chance to slow things down, explore the Central Coast for a day or two, and regroup. They’d have to head north again by Friday morning at the latest to pack up the rest of their stuff before returning to the real world.

He still didn’t have a clue what was bothering Pamela. Did she have regrets about last night, or was she worried about explaining his presence to her mother? Hoping to lessen her anxiety if it was the latter, he suggested, “I don’t mind fending for myself while you visit with your mom.”

She turned to face him, but he needed to keep his eyes on the late-morning, bumper-to-bumper traffic. “No, I want you to meet her.”

He wasn’t convinced by her words and reached across the seat to pull her hands apart so she wouldn’t continue to decimate her cuticles. She relaxed her fist—slightly—and he smiled. “Want to tell me why you’re so stressed today?”

She took a deep breath, but didn’t fool him. Was her mom some kind of nutcase? Should he be worried? After all, what well-balanced mom abandoned her family to go in search of who knew what, leaving behind a daughter who blamed herself in some irrational way for driving her mother away.

“Are you worried she’ll jump to the wrong conclusions about us?”

“What makes you ask that?”

He took his left hand off the steering wheel and pointed to his wedding band with his thumb.

“Oh, that.” She didn’t sound as though she’d given any thought to his being married. “Mom’s pretty open-minded. Live and let live. I wouldn’t worry.”

“Then would you mind telling me why you’re wound tighter than the Wicked Witch of the West at a pool party?” She laughed, but made a fist in her lap again. “Pamela, take a slow, deep breath. Count to five as you inhale. Then let it out to an equal count of five.”

Her response to his Dom voice registered immediately. She opened her hands and placed her palms flat on her thighs as she followed his command. When she’d finished exhaling—albeit to a faster count of five than he’d wanted—he told her to do it again but more slowly this time. After the third time, he smiled, even though she probably didn’t see it. “Feel better?”

“A little. Thanks. I’m being honest, though, when I say I have no clue why I’m so nervous.”

“Want to make this a quick visit and then find a hotel for the night? We could even head back to Sonoma after visiting your mom, if you’d prefer.”

“No. I want to see her. And you’re going to love the beach there.”

“No beach is worth it if you’re too anxious to enjoy it.”

The traffic cleared unexpectedly, and soon he took the ramp onto the interstate heading out of the city. They were on the Pacific Coast Highway in no time and would spend the next couple of hours driving along the coast.

“Why don’t you look out the window and enjoy the scenery? Or take a nap, if you’d like. We were up pretty late last night.” He’d been surprised to find them both up by nine this morning.

Pamela apparently chose to stay awake. “I love this drive.”

“This coast is gorgeous.” He’d left the top down, and the landscape surrounded them.

“Have you ever been to an elephant seal sanctuary?”

Where had that busy mind of hers gone now? “Can’t say that I have.”

The sign for a state preserve came into view. “Turn into this park. Año Nuevo is something we can’t pass by without stopping in, although it will take us a few hours to get out to where the seals are and back. Do you mind?”

“Is your mom expecting us at a certain time?”

“No. I only told her we’d be there tonight. She’ll be immersed in some project or the dogs and won’t expect us until we show up. But if there’s cell phone service in the park, I’ll text her and tell her we’ll definitely be late.”

“Good idea. I wouldn’t want her to plan on having us for dinner or something.”

Pamela laughed. “She doesn’t cook.”

“Where’d you pick up the skill?”

“My stepmother insisted that I help in the kitchen. I guess I learned most of it from her.” Sounded as though she hadn’t given it much thought before.

He wove his way to the nearly deserted parking lot after paying the admission fee. “Tell me more about your stepmom.”

“There isn’t much to tell.”

“Sore subject?”

“No, more like an irrelevant one. We don’t see much of each other. My dad and I usually meet alone, without her and her kids.”

“You have half-siblings?”

“
Step
-siblings.” Okay, definitely a sore subject, judging by her tone.

After he opened the trunk, she helped pack water bottles and snacks in a backpack and grabbed her camera bag. Apparently, this would be a substantial hike. As they crossed the lot to the exhibit area, she sounded like a tourism spokesperson telling him about how wonderful the California park system was and that their admission would be good for all parks they visited today. Did she intend for them to park hop all the way to Carmel? How many more diversions would she find before showing up at her mom’s doorstep? What was she trying to avoid or postpone?

He tried to get her to talk more about her mom without much success as they walked along the paved path, but as soon as she heard the barking of the seals on the approach to the first vantage spot, he lost her attention altogether.