ROAR (47 page)

“That’s something I’m supposed to talk with you about. Mom’s an early riser and has already gone to bed. She gave me the key so we can let ourselves back in tonight.” That didn’t answer the question. Pamela turned to face him, but reading her expression in the shadow cast by his head was difficult. “We have the upstairs to ourselves. It’s really the best part of the house, but…there’s only one bed.”

One bed. He’d suspected one bedroom judging by how the upstairs looked from the outside, but had hoped for two beds. Interesting that her mother didn’t make the upstairs room her master suite, rather than a room at the back of the house that had no view of the ocean, but that had nothing to do with determining where he and Pamela would sleep.

At the moment, they shared a beach blanket and hadn’t crossed any line. Could he sleep with her and not let his libido get the better of him?

“If you aren’t ready for that, Kristoffer, I’ll be happy to sleep on the balcony’s chaise lounge and give you the bed.”

“Nonsense, Sprite.”
Man up, Roar
. “A tiny thing like you would freeze out there without a fire—or me—to keep you warm.” Why was he flirting with her? Before volunteering himself to sleep on the floor or the balcony, he needed more information. “How big is the bed?”

“King.”

That helped. A lot. He relaxed some. “We’ll share the bed.”

Passionate moans from down the beach reached his ears, igniting a flame inside him to match the one in their fire pit nearby. He hoped he wasn’t making a huge mistake.

“Someone’s getting lucky.” Apparently, she’d heard them, too. Unless she was referring to the two of them, but he didn’t think so.

“Ah, to be young and in love again,” he said.

“Sometimes I think love is wasted on the young. Sure, their bodies are firing on all cylinders, but they’re clueless about what true love and lifelong commitments are about. One unwanted pregnancy and their lives will be changed forever.”

Was she thinking about her parents now? Had her mom’s unplanned pregnancy contributed to their inability to stay together? Had she gone in search of whatever she hadn’t been able to enjoy while in high school? Seemed doubtful. Something more powerful had sent her away.

Pamela continued, “There’s much more to being intimate than the sexual act itself can provide.”

Maybe, but his memories of sex were all fond ones. “You’re too young to write off finding someone special, Sprite.” While he hoped he could be that man for her one day, he needed more time to know for certain.

She shivered, and he pulled her more tightly against him.

After a moment, he asked, “Warmer?”

“Mm-hmm.” The dreamy tone in her voice made him wonder if she might fall asleep. The fire would take a while to burn out. He’d content himself to lie here, watch the moon arc over them, listen to the waves, and hold his tiny sprite.

Not for the first time, he wished their situation could be different.

Stay in the moment.

Right now, holding her like this had to be enough. When her head lolled, she jerked it back. He decided it was selfish of him to stay out here. They could snuggle like this in the bed, too. As long as it went no further than that. Time to go back to the house. She needed her sleep.

He separated from her and stood. “Why don’t we walk on the beach in the morning instead of tonight?”

“Sounds great. All our hiking today wore me out.”

“The sound of the waves isn’t helping, either.”

“We can leave the doors open tonight and let the waves put us both to sleep.”

Sharing a bed with her would
not
be conducive to sleeping. Not for him, at least.

He offered her a hand and pulled her up. They looked out toward the darkened bay. The moon’s reflection shimmered across the water’s surface much like Pamela had shone a beacon of light into his dark, dark world.

With a sigh, he went to the water’s edge and filled the bucket with water to douse the flames—the ones in the campfire at least. Once certain it had been extinguished, they trudged through the loose sand to the nearest stairway, this one putting them a block or so down the street from her mother’s house. Snatches of moonlight shining through the branches of the gnarled and windblown cypress trees cast an eerie mood over the street.

Kristoffer reached for her hand when she stumbled on the uneven pavement and held on tightly to steady her.

They continued along, and he noticed some of the houses. Few people opted to close blinds or drapes, and soon, he was engaging in the very behavior he’d decided he didn’t like when he’d looked out Maribeth’s picture windows earlier this evening.

“I’ve always heard about this place as where the rich came to shop and play, but never really thought about its incredible beauty.”

Yet nothing compared to the woman walking beside him. He couldn’t fathom how different she was from the woman he’d first met during that business meeting with Gunnar at the end of April. Or the one he’d seen standing naked in front of the class during his tour of The Denver Academy. Perhaps her poise and physical beauty had opened his eyes to her initially, but they paled compared to her inner beauty. The spark of life this vivacious woman had breathed into his soul these past two months. He didn’t want to imagine what life might be like without her.

When would he be ready to admit his true feelings for her? Not until he was completely certain of them—or as certain as anyone could be.

In the driveway, they removed their sandals and brushed any residual sand from their feet, legs, and clothing. “Let’s get our bags from the trunk first,” he suggested. He opened it, retrieved their carry-on bags, and followed her to the side door. When they heard the large dogs let out a couple of warning barks, she reassured them of her presence through the door and pulled the key from her pocket. Inside, the two biggest dogs bounded up to greet them and accepted their reward in some vigorous behind-the-ear rubs from Pamela before returning to the beds they’d made on the sofas.

The door to the upstairs was off the dining room, beyond the one to the garage. They climbed the stairs to their own little sanctuary. The windows had been opened, and the room aired out. The sound of the waves came to him as soon as he exited the enclosed stairway.

A king-sized bed dominated the room. “Which side would you prefer?” he asked.

“Doesn’t matter to me. I sleep in the middle of my queen one, so no preference.”

The thought of her unconsciously making her way to the middle of this bed tonight made him wonder if he ought to take the floor or balcony. Would he make it through tonight without doing something he couldn’t undo?

“Do you want the bathroom first, Kristoffer?”

“No. You go ahead.” He set down her suitcase on the side of the mattress nearest the bathroom and walked around the bed to what would be his side near the entrance to the balcony. Restless, he walked outside. The view took his breath away. The moon sank lower on the horizon, within only an hour or two of setting. It illuminated a few clouds high above the cypress branches across the street.

At his left was the silhouette of a deck chair. If he were smart, he’d sleep out here tonight.

Chicken.

Guilty as charged. But he was fully in control of his body and faculties. No doubt, she would be equally cautious about running the risk of making a mistake both might regret. What was he worrying about?

Footsteps on the boards behind him alerted him to Pamela’s presence. “Wow. It’s even more breathtaking from up here.” He turned to watch her come closer, her hair wet from the shower as she quickly donned a robe over the knee-length T-shirt she wore.

“You took the words right out of my mouth.” And every thought from my mind.

Get a grip, Roar. You’ve seen her in a lot less.

She came to stand beside him, looking out at the horizon. They stared silently—her at the water, he at her.

“Thanks for bringing me on this trip with you, Kristoffer. I needed this time away from home more than I realized, but today has been especially eye-opening.”

“In what way?”

She turned to look up at him, and he faced her. “Talking with mom about you and me has helped me see things more clearly. I really don’t care what anyone else thinks or says about us. As long as you and I know what we have is right for us and we are not ashamed of it, what does it matter what anyone else thinks? We’re calling the shots. The only people in our relationship are you, me, and Tori.”

He hadn’t expected her to bring Tori into it, but appreciated Pamela for thinking of her, too. “I’m not ashamed of anything we’ve done.” He took a strand of wet hair plastered to her cheek and curled it around her tiny ear. There still were so many things he wanted to try with her, once he was sure of himself and their future. “Once we’re home again, we can reset our boundaries and see where we go with this.”

“We’ll sort everything out when the time comes,” she said confidently.

She didn’t seem to have any concerns at all. He wished he could be so self-assured. “We owe it to ourselves to grab whatever happiness we can have or make for ourselves. Life’s too short. We both know that better than most.”

He needed to stop trying to think in terms of marriage as the be-all in relationships. That was off the table. Their commitment to one another would be centered more around their Dom/sub dynamic. “You’ll be my submissive, regardless of whatever else we choose to be to one another. I’m content with that even if there’s never anything more, because at this moment, the thought of not having you in my life at all is unthinkable.”

She smiled up at him. “No regrets, no guilt.”

“That should be our mantra.”

“Works for me, but those are powerful words to live by, but not always easy to live up to.”

He moved closer to her. “Like any changes one makes, it takes repetition to get it to sink in. All I know is these past few days have changed me, Pamela. My heart has opened up again.” Or had it been ripped open with a sudden awakening? He groaned as he turned away, looking out to sea again.

Her arms wrapped around his waist. “Stop torturing yourself, Kristoffer. We want to be together. We’re going to figure out a way to make this work for us.”

He turned back to her and pulled her into his arms with a fierceness that surprised him—and her, as well, given her wide-eyed expression. Holding the sides of her head, either to anchor himself or to keep her from retreating, he lowered his face to hers. Their lips brushed before he kissed first her upper lip, lightly sucking it between his, then the lower. They breathed into each other’s mouths and when he could stand it no longer, he ground his mouth against hers, forcing his tongue between her lips.

God of Thunder, he wanted Pamela so badly. No way could he revert to the passive, barely alive way he had existed the past four years. His heart was big enough to include both Tori and Pamela.

How could it be wrong for him to love these two women who meant the world to him?

Y
es!

Pamela relished the feel of his hands on her face, his lips on hers, his tongue inside her mouth. She didn’t know when his passion might cool again, so she’d bask in it every chance she could. Did the thought of going back to the way things were lack appeal for him as much as it did her? She meant each and every word she’d spoken. Together, they’d figure this out and do what was best for them, but in the meantime, any time spent in Kristoffer’s arms would be time she’d cherish forever.

His mouth broke away, and she feared he’d retreat again. Instead, he trailed hot kisses down her neck to the hollow of her throat, igniting her passions even more. Her knees nearly buckled, and she held on to his shoulders to keep from falling into a puddle at his feet.

Once again, he pulled away, this time apparently to control his breathing.

“Kristoffer, please. Don’t stop.”

Not tonight
.

He pulled her lower body against his, and she felt his erection against her abdomen.

Yes, yes, yes! He wants this, too!

Every nerve ending burst to life in her body. Barely half an hour ago, she’d almost fallen asleep in his arms on the beach. While the shower had revived her, this man had lit a fire inside her in a matter of seconds. They had so few days left before this magic bubble they’d surrounded themselves in would burst. She needed to make each precious moment last as long as possible.

When he pulled away once more, she expected him to call an end to this before they reached the boundaries set in place. Instead, he scooped her into his arms and carried her into the bedroom to lay her on the bed.

“I’m going to take a shower. A cold shower.”

No! You can’t leave me like this!

But he did just that. The moment ended as quickly as it had begun.

Kristoffer, his lips tight with determination, pulled some clothes and a toiletry bag out of his suitcase and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. She heard the shower running and pictured him torturing himself under the cold spray.

She fought the urge to join him and at least give him a blow job to relieve his sexual tension, but she would wait for him to tell her oral was on his list of approved activities. Pushing him too far, too soon, might backfire and send him running.

Just be patient with him
.

Tempted to shuck her gown and sleep in the nude, Pamela quashed that thought, too. She removed the bolsters and throw pillows from the bed before turning down the sheets and duvet. He’d come closer than ever tonight to admitting he desired her in a physical way. Not as her friend. Not as her Top. But as her lover.

But his attraction ripped apart everything he believed about faithfulness in marriage. His traditional values were butting up against the realities of the twenty-first century. How many spouses faced this harsh reality of modern medicine?

She didn’t want to compete against the love he had for his wife, because she’d only get hurt. But their feelings for one another were growing stronger. If not in love yet, they were certainly on the road to it. Could they find a way to be together that wouldn’t leave him riddled with guilt and regret?