River Walk: Ten Kinky Collaborations (15 page)

Once they move, I stalk over to the table. Before I sit down, I do the most New Yorkish thing I have ever done. I shamelessly rotate the small table. It scrapes against the linoleum drawing attention my way. I wanted to sit right where I know ‘Bethany + Stella’ is carved into the wood. It’s part of the experience for me, plus I want to people-watch. I have a complete view of the place from this spot. I push the mess the last two people left behind, to the opposite side.

The first time I came here, I sat at this exact table, which was unstable and terribly wobbly. The table rocked as I wrote, and to add to my annoyance, when I was near the bottom of the form I was filling out, my pen caught in a groove in the table, puncturing the paper, making it difficult to write the information in the allocated box. I lifted my papers discovering ‘Bethany + Stella’ for the first time. I let my mind wander about them. Were they still together and in love? Are they even real people or did someone just deface the table?

I’m so excited for this party, yet, restless about the whole thing. I don’t like a lot of attention, and I prefer not to have organized gatherings in my honor. I’m just not that girl. My closest friends don’t even know my birthdate. But Fran has an amazing loft and her hosting skills are always something special. In a way, this is my grand finale. It’s both a melancholic and euphoric feeling. I take the steps two at a time because I can no longer contain my enthusiasm. I reach her apartment to find a cute chalkboard sign with ‘meet me in our spot’, written in bright pink letters. I savor the last few moments of anticipation and walk to the other end of the building to catch the elevator to the top of the complex.

I immediately feel the bass thumping from the bottom of the flight of steps leading to the roof. My excitement turns to sadness in an instant. Behind that door are some of the best people I know. They won’t be gone from my life completely, but nor will they be a taxi ride away. My bottom lip trembles. My nose burns. This party is nothing more than a glorified and glamourous goodbye. I fight back the emotion that wants to seep from my body. My throat stiffens.
I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to cry. I want this, I need this change in my life, I’m not going to cry.

Once there, I elbow the door open to complete and utter shock. This is not what I had pictured at all. I have been up here for several parties, and it has never looked like this. I’m stunned, frozen in place. My emotions are raw already, so I can’t contain the salty affection that slips out of the corner of my eyes. Through glossed over eyes, I watch as people chit-chat over brightly colored drinks. The scene before me is nothing short of magical. The city is a mere backdrop in the glow of strung up lights and massive candles. It’s an explosion of bright colors; mangos, papayas, turquoise, and fuchsia. Black and golds off set the bright colors making this nothing short of a luxurious heaven on earth.

“Yay!” Fran floats in my direction clapping, then waving, then clapping again. Everyone else has turned to look, joining in on the applause.

“This is just…” I wave my hand around aimlessly, at an utter loss of words.

She hugs me tight, but I don’t realize that I’m not returning the embrace with the same fervor. I’m still looking over her shoulder, taking it all in. “Fabulous?! I call it Arabian Nights.”

As she pulls away, the word finally comes to me. “Magnificent!”

“I’m so glad you like it.”

“I love it. But really, you didn’t have to go to all this trouble.” Every second, I pick up on another small detail like the vases full of feathers, the glittered zebra coasters placed on the tables, and the small tables with little buffet-style setups.

“Don’t be ridiculous. This is for all those years you refused to let us celebrate your birthday or any kind of achievement you’ve made!”

“No sense in celebrating more mediocrity.”

“You celebrate everyone else but yourself. If it makes you feel any better, this is really for us. For all we knew, you would have just slipped out of the city early one morning, and then let everyone know you were now in California.”

“The thought had crossed my mind.” It really hadn’t. My friends are important to me. They give me a sense of purpose. I love how each one adds something different and interesting to my life. Mostly, I love how they’re just on my side whether I’m right or wrong.

She takes me to a bar area where a topless, toned, man waits to make drinks. I look at Fran in question. “This is new,” Fran says with a smile. “Our signature drink tonight is the Kaleidoscope Spritz.” I watch as he measures vodka, lemon juice, elderflower liqueur, and simple syrup into a large wine glass. Then he pops in vibrant red, yellow and green candied squares, “Raspberry, mango, and lime puree cubes and to finish, a splash of Prosecco.” As the carbonated sweet wine hits the glass, the bubbles fizz up creating a colorful work of art. The reaction of the Prosecco causes the cubes to crumble and mix the drink right before my eyes.

I can’t look away from this marvelous creation, but Fran picks it up presenting it to me. “To you my precious Macy.” With a clink of the glasses, I raise the wondrous concoction to my lips. Little splashes of popping bubbles tickle my nose. It’s delightfully sweet, tangy and refreshing.

I hug and chat with so many people. Then I see him, Vaugh. He was the only serious relationship I had in the last five years. We were together just short of a year. I think I broke our hearts. I loved him, and I know he loved me, but there was something missing. Maybe I was too busy building my career or the timing was just off. For the longest time, I couldn’t put my finger on it so, in all my infinite wisdom, I decided to call it off. I really couldn’t be bothered at the time with trying to figure out what was going on with us. It just sounded like so much work, and we had only been together for a short time. If it was this much work in the beginning, I couldn’t imagine what the future held for us. But here I stood, staring and reminiscing over him. I felt that attraction, that pull, as soon as I laid eyes on him. I didn’t have a moment to fight the longing I have for him. He’s a great guy, loyal, loving, attractive, attentive and employed.

Every person here was a reason not to go through with this. Seeing Vaugh was rattling my thoughts. I know practically no one in LA, and the few I do know are acquaintances. It’s scary. No matter how confident I appear to be, leaving behind so many loved ones is difficult. I never know if I’m making a mistake or bad decision, but I have gone over this a million times in my mind. I don’t have a happy future here. It’s too big, too busy, too much. I really want a more laid back and less expensive lifestyle. I won’t be able to be in front of the camera forever, and I don’t want to be. On the other hand, I want to be able to enjoy my later years in comfort and stability. What if he is my stability? What if he is my comfort? I like my lifestyle, and my luxuries. Maybe I’m self–centered and even a little indulgent. I’m not sure what to say to him after all these jumbled thoughts come crashing down on me, so I smile acknowledging his presence, and I keep myself busy until I can come up with a good opener.

My avoidance doesn’t last too long. He ends up coming over to me. Before any words are exchanged, he comes in for a hug, and it feels so good. His smell is familiar and comforting.

“So Cali?”

“Yes, I need more sunshine and less bustle.”

“You’ll flourish there. You always seemed so antsy here.”

“Antsy?”

“Yeah, you couldn’t really find that spot, a place you were comfortable.” I let those words sink in. He’s right. I’m antsy.

“Honestly, I still haven’t found my spot.”

“You will. You just need to stop hiding behind the familiar, and actually look for your spot.”

“I guess I wasted a lot of time, our time.”

“I won’t say wasted, perhaps bided your time.”

A wolf whistle has everyone turning their heads. Fran is on a stool with her hands folded in front of her like a performer waiting for the crowd to settle and take theirs sets. “I just want to take a few minutes to embarrass our guest of
horror
?” Our friends chuckle at her play on words.

I sit, listening to Fran’s wonderful stories, most of them amusing, a few emotional, and then we all continue to reminisce over libations. As it grows cooler, more and more people give me my final goodbyes. There are only seven of us girls that are staying over to sleep on the rooftop.

I knew Vaugh wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye, so reluctantly, I found him. He was looking out over the city. When he turned, I half expected his face to be pained or troubled, but I was just projecting because it was how I was feeling. He looked content and relaxed. For all I knew, he had moved on and was only here as a courtesy to me.

“So this is it?”

“This is it.” We just stood there together, side by side, in silence, looking at the light of the vast city before us.

“I should get going.”

“Sure, it was so lovely to see you.”

We hugged, then he broke the hug, and turned away. At that very instance, there was this moment, this voice inside my head that told me I needed to know. “Wait.” He turned just in time for me to crash into him. I took his face in my hands and looked deep into his grey eyes. I was looking for an answer, but all I could see was a storm, so I locked lips with him. It was forced and awkward, but then we found a rythym. I pulled away feeling no different than before. It was a good kiss, but like our relationship, it wasn’t a foundation on which to lay a future.

“What was that for?”

“I needed to know.”

“Know what?”

“That I was making the right decision.”

His eyes told me he knew what my decision was, maybe he felt it too. If not, it was stamped on my lips in the form of a frown.

His warm hand traveled up my arm, “You will always have a place in my heart.”

“And you in mine. We had a good season.”

“I’ll miss you.” I’ll miss him too, but I let him have the last word. I had the confirmation and closure I needed.

CHAPTER TWO

I mentally go down the checklist: fuel, water and some energy drinks. My trunk is filled with enough clothes and travel supplies for about nine days. The trip is approximately 2,794 miles. My loose plans are to stop when I get bored, tired or hungry.

I have a playlist with 94 songs that will last just under six hours. I plan on driving about eight hours a day not including any breaks. According to my plan, it should take me six days if I drive 465 miles per day, so I’m due in L.A. in seven days. I think I need a bit of a cushion, but I really hope to be there in six days or sooner. I need some me time, but I’m not terribly good at being completely alone.

Pushing the ignition button, my stomach gets that little nervous-excited feeling,
Pennsylvania, I’m on my way.
I’m really doing this.

An hour, and 25 miles into my new journey, I finally reach I-80 West. I let cruise control take over, and turn on the music. I needed it quiet so I could navigate myself safely out of the city. The car practically drives itself. I’m just not that trusting of a computer system. My hands are a little stiff from the intense grip I have on the steering wheel. Now that I’m in a flow of traffic for a good three hundred miles, I feel a little more at ease.

I’m three days into my trek and leaving Iowa, headed for Kansas. I’ve enjoyed the little off the beaten path sort of boutiques. I had forgotten how much fun, and how therapeutic it is, to drive. Living in New York didn’t allow for much driving.

Mid-day, I needed to stop and stretch, but I wanted to remain close to the interstate, so I found a decent looking location. I grabbed some organic jerky, baked chips, peanut butter M&M’s, protein bars, gum and filled a cup with ice. Hydration during travel is the best tip I learned over the last few years. It can combat fatigue, swelling, jet lag, and helps keep my skin clear.

I check my route, as usual, but find there are heavy delays just outside of Iowa, and my navigation suggests cutting down through Missouri, into Kansas, then tomorrow on to Colorado. I recheck the delay times not wanting to deviate from my original plan. There are four stops and the delays are anywhere from forty-five to ninety minutes. I’d rather take a detour and keep moving than follow the course and just sit in traffic. I recalculate the route confident in my decision.

Just inside the Kansas border, I felt like I didn’t want to push myself too far today. The scenery was lovely, very lush green grass over rolling hills, but it became so repetitive. I felt like I was going nowhere fast, and after changing my route, I was feeling a little fatigued. I touched the screen to switch from navigation to locate a nearby hotel, but instead of a new screen popping up, an incessant dinging began blaring at me, and my dash board lit up. I pulled over on the gravel shoulder, cringing as the rocks hit the underside of my car, and I’m guessing fenders by the awful sound I could hear of popping and scraping. I tried to figure out what was going on. The flying fish light was blinking and the temperature gauge needle was in the red and bouncing up and down frantically.

I hit the button for assistance, and the beep of a call being placed is cutting in and out. Right away I know this is not a good sign. My phone is linked to my car, so I will have no better luck with my phone. I wait eagerly for someone or something to happen.

“Than- …for call- …kdown and accident man-… Are you-…anger or hurt?” Taking a minute to try to figure out the question, I relay to what I think I heard from the other side of a shaky line.

“No, I’m not hurt or in danger.”

“Can-………state in?” I shift in my seat with the long pause between words, my agitation is rising.

“Just inside Kansas.”

I wait and then lean toward the screen and shout this time “JUST INSIDE KANSAS!” Still nothing, I hit the call button and still nothing.

I grab my phone asking for the closest service station. I wait and watch my loading blue circle go around and around.
Jesus! This is fucking America. I should be able to reach anyone and everyone with all this technology!