Rise (8 page)

chapter 9

(Attie)

I trudged into Joshua’s living room, dragging my backpack on the floor behind me. As much as I dreaded counseling, I knew that I desperately needed it. School had brought out the worst in me, or at least the worst of my paranoia when it came to Riley. We’d left our cocoon and had started venturing out into the world, and I wasn’t liking it one bit.

Joshua laughed as soon as he laid eyes on me. “So, Miss Attie Reed, you called this emergency counseling session. What’s up? Did you hear from your dad?”

“Are you kiddin’ me? Heck no, I haven’t heard from him.” I had no intention of thinking about my dad, much less talking about him. I quickly changed the subject. “Why was youth off last night?”

“We never have youth the first week of school. Too much going on.”

“I, for one, can attest to that. Our house is in complete chaos right now. Marme’s running around like a chicken with her head cut off.”

“What’s going on? Why did you need to see me?” he asked.

I fell into the large recliner next to the fireplace. “Well, I was called a freak and many other not-so-nice names, but the start of the week rallied when I got to dress like a stripper and get my boyfriend all worked up without even so much as thinking about it. Then the week started to stink again when Riley and I got in an argument and I thought he was going dump me.”

“Did he?”

“No, thank God. But I’d say it was an altogether interesting first four days of school.”

“Sounds like a winner,” he teased. “There’s so much to talk about that I’m not even sure where to begin, and I’m definitely afraid to ask why on earth you were dressed like a stripper.”

“The always wonderful Tiffany did some dirty work, messed with my cheerleading uniform measurements, and I ended up wearing a loincloth—or that’s what Pops called it, anyway.”

“Do you know for sure it was Tiffany?”

“Not 100 percent, more like 99.875 percent. She’s pretty much going to try to make my life miserable. What’s worse is that rumor has it that tomorrow I may be voted captain of the cheerleading squad.”

“Attie, that’s great.”

“Not so much. If it happens, it’ll only make Tiffany hate me that much more. She thinks she’s a shoe-in, and if I get that spot, I basically become public enemy number one for her and all her followers.”

“You can’t let someone like Tiffany take away the joy from the good things in your life. You’ve needed some good things, and now you’ve got them.”

“I know. I don’t plan on letting her. I’m just saying she’s going to be trying really hard to ruin my life.”

“You know what you have to do, don’t you?”

I held up my hand in an effort to shush him. “Jesus already told me.”

Joshua started laughing and leaned forward in his chair. “Oh yeah. I can’t wait to hear this. What did he say?”

“That I had to pray for her and forgive her for all her crap. Well, he didn’t specifically say ‘crap,’ but he said something like that.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Okay, it wasn’t even close, but you get my point.”

“But you don’t want to forgive her?”

“Of course not, but I will. Lord knows I’ve already lived through what unforgiveness can do. I just started getting a good night’s sleep every night; I don’t want to go backward.”

“Then it sounds like you’re dealing with this the best you know how. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks.”

He sat back in his seat again. “So what about Riley? What happened there?”

“He basically came out and told me that he thinks I’m too insecure and it’s starting to grate on his nerves.”

“Is he right? Are you too insecure?”

“Of course.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“Because I’m crazy as a loon and I look like Frankenstein, that’s why.”

He laughed and shook his head before hiding his smile behind the small notebook he held in his hand. He cleared his throat and then turned serious again. “That may be part of it. But I would have to say there’s probably more to it than that.”

“Like what?”

His eyebrows arched high, which meant he wanted me to answer the question myself.

I followed his lead. “Well, I’m not for sure, but I’ll take a stab in the dark and say it’s probably daddy issues.”

“Bingo.”

“I was afraid that was it.”

“I know you were. I think you avoid the topic of your dad like the plague.”

There wasn’t a bone in my body that wanted to dive into the topic of my dad, so I ignored his prompt. “So you think this is all about some newfound abandonment issues?”

“That probably has the most to do with it, yes. And I think you’re going to have to dig deeper and deal with your dad’s rejection. We can’t just keep skimming over it and hope that it’ll go away.”

“That may be so, but I’ve got so much other stuff on my mind right now that I can’t even think about going there.”

His brow creased as he frowned. “Eventually? Soon, I hope?”

“Soon … er or later.” I looked down at my feet and readjusted myself in the chair. “Can we move on?”

“If that’s what you want.”

“It is.”

“Okay, but just know that at some point I’m going to make you talk about it.”

I felt my eyes roll. “Okay.”

“So anyway, back to your insecurity issues. Personally, I don’t think you give a rat’s rear what anyone else thinks about your scars anymore, and I think we’ve already determined that you aren’t any crazier than the rest of us. So daddy slash abandonment issues seem to be the logical choice.”

“Well, let’s face it. If my own dad can walk away, who’s to say a seventeen-year-old boy won’t?”

“Nobody.”

“My point exactly.”

“What you’ve got to figure out is that your value as a person doesn’t come from Riley or even your dad. No matter what they think of you, it’s what God thinks of you that matters.”

“What about what I think?”

“Your opinion of yourself needs to line up with what God thinks, not with what humans think.”

“Well, I don’t think it does.”

“Then you need to work on that.”

“And how do I go about doing that?”

“Glad you asked.” He got up, walked over to his desk, and rummaged around until he pulled out two spiral notebooks. “Here,” he said, handing me one. “I want you to carry this with you everywhere you go, and every time you have a negative thought about yourself, I want you to write it in this notebook. Consider it an assignment.”

“Good grief, what’s with the assignments all of a sudden? Whatever happened to just talking things out? I’ve got assignments coming out my wazoo.”

“I don’t want to know about your wazoo; I just want you to do what I’m asking.”

“But if you want me to write down every negative thought I have about myself, I’ll be writing all day … and night.”

“That’s the point. I want you to realize how much negativity about yourself invades your mind and spirit on a regular basis. That can’t be good for you, and it can’t be good for a relationship, not matter who it’s with.”

“Fine then, I’ll write it all down.” I wasn’t at all happy about it, and I suddenly felt like he and Jesus were in cahoots with the whole writing assignment thing.

“I’m not finished yet,” he announced.

“I was afraid you were going to say that.” I looked at the other spiral notebook in his hand. “Is that one for me too?”

“Yep.”

“Good grief.”

Seeing as how I didn’t reach for it, he tossed it onto my lap. “Every night before you go to bed, I want you to get out the list of negatives you wrote that day and get out a Bible … ”

I felt my eyes roll in my head.

“ … and for every negative thought you recorded, I want you to find something in the Bible that contradicts it. In other words, I want you to find the truth and write that down.”

“Is that it?”

“Nope.”

“Why am I not surprised?”

“Let’s say you wrote: ‘Why am I doing this? I’ll never get it right.’ Then in the Bible you find the scripture that says: ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.’”

“Uh-huh.”

“I want you to read through them like this: ‘I am doing this, and I will get it right because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.’ The goal is to change how your mind works and how you see yourself. God’s word doesn’t return void, Attie. Eventually his truth will penetrate your mind, and you’ll notice the negative thoughts begin to fade away.” He sat back in his seat and crossed his left leg over his right. “If you’ll do this like I’m asking you to, you’ll see it heal that area of insecurity in your life, and all of your relationships will be the better for it. I promise.”

“Okay, I’ll do it.”

“I want you to bring both notebooks with you to our meetings so we can track your progress.”

“Whatever you say.” I slunk further into my chair. “Have you ever worked with someone as screwed up as me?”

“Get out the notebook. That was your first negative thought.”

“Good grief, already?”

“It took less than two minutes.”

“See what I’m saying? I’m a nutcase!”

“There was another one. Man, you really will be writing all day.”

“I told you so.”

I grabbed a pen off the end table and wrote the thought in the notebook. I’m screwed up.

He leaned over and handed me his Bible.

I searched through it until a scripture jumped out at me. When I found one, I opened the second notebook and wrote down the scripture.

“Now read it out loud as I told you. The truth.”

“I’m not screwed up; I’m fearfully and wonderfully made.”

“What does that mean, Attie?”

“It means that God made me this way.”

“That’s right. What else?”

“He thinks I’m wonderful?”

“Bingo.”

I felt myself grin. “I might actually like this assignment.”

“I’m glad to hear that, especially seeing how much time you’re going to be spending doing it.”

“Just add it to my already chaotic and jam-packed life.”

“Too much on your plate?”

“Not necessarily too much, but a lot.”

“Maybe you should reconsider some of the things you’re spending your time on.”

“Like what?”

“You tell me.”

“Honestly?”

“Of course.”

“I think taking classes at the university seemed like a good idea when Cooper talked about them, but now that everything’s going on, it seems like a lot. How on earth I let a guy I only knew for a few months talk me into taking on a full load of not one but two schools was beyond me. I guess I was lulled into a trance by his glowing white teeth.”

Joshua laughed. “I don’t know, but I would agree. Is the additional stress worth cutting a few classes off your total time spent in college?”

“Well—”

“And not only that, do you have any time to enjoy being alive?”

“I hadn’t thought about that.”

“Attie, you missed out on a year of your life. Do you want to keep missing out on having fun just so you can grow up even faster?”

“Well, when you put it that way, what on earth was I thinking?”

“You were trying to be efficient. But rather than seeing you be efficient, I’d prefer to see you enjoying the life you’ve been given.”

“What do you think Pops would say?”

“I think he’ll support whatever you want to do.”

I sat up in my chair and smiled over at Joshua.

“Not to change the subject, but you know I have to ask,” he said. “It’s partly why you’re here, and it’s what we all agreed to.”

“Go ahead.”

“Are you and Riley following the rules?”

“To a tee.”

“So no problems there?”

“What are you asking me, Josh? Come on out with it.”

He placed his elbows on his knees. “Are you struggling at all with limiting the physical aspect of your relationship?”

I copied his body language. “Um, not really, no. I mean, we have our moments, but all in all, we’ve done really well. I feel sorry for him sometimes—”

“Why?”

“Let’s face it: as much as he agrees with the stance we’re taking, he’d probably throw it out the window if I let him.”

“You think so?”

“Sometimes. And it’s not that I don’t want to do more; it’s just not a good idea. I feel like if we start crossing lines, then it’ll become a habit, and we’ll just keep crossing every one we draw.”

“That sounds about right.”

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, Riley’s never complained or hinted at anything or acted inappropriately—except for that one time at the lake. He’s great about all of it; really, he is.”

“But you worry that he’s going to feel like he’s missing out on something. Giving up too much?”

“Yes. And I don’t know if he’d tell me if he got to that point. After last night, I can’t see an instance where he’d be willing to upset me again, so I think he’d keep it to himself.”

“Would it upset you if he told you that he was struggling?”

“No. I realize he’s human.”

“Maybe you should tell him that. Sometimes the fear of coming clean about something causes it to manifest itself into something bigger. It would probably be a great relief for him if you told him that you understood his situation.”

“We talked about it at the very beginning our relationship, but I guess it couldn’t hurt to bring it up again.”

“I think he’d appreciate it. Maybe just set the record straight again?”

“Why not?”

“You two have your heads on straight, you have goals, and you know what you believe. A lot of kids your age don’t have that. So, when you put the two of you together, you get two levelheaded kids who are trying to do the right thing, even when it isn’t always the easy thing. I respect that—a lot.”

“It’s because we’ve got this great counselor-slash-youth-pastor-slash-friend. He gives a lot of great advice.”

“I could give all the advice in the world; it’s only when people take it and put it to work that it actually has an effect. You two do that, so it makes my job that much easier.”

“Good.”

He laughed. “Well, that, and like you said, you have a great counselor.” He stood and walked over to me. “We’re good here, so let’s pray and then let you get home. Anything in particular you want to pray for?”

“Why don’t we pray for Pops not to freak when I tell him I’m quitting UCO and Tiffany not to freak if I end up getting the captain’s spot?”