Rise (33 page)

“It was your mom’s. I found it when I went through her stuff. I set it aside for you. Well, that and a lot of other stuff you might want to go through at some point since you never did it last year.” My finger traced her name, which was engraved in gold on the lower right hand corner of the front cover, as he continued to talk. “She must have spent a lot more time reading it than I thought. She’s got a lot of notes in there. A lot of highlights.”

My heart beat wildly as I ran my finger along the gold-lined paper edges. I was about to see my mother’s handwriting again, and oddly, I was nervous about it.

“I’ll go get dressed,” Dad said quietly.

Once he left me alone in the room, I slid my finger into the middle of the book and opened it. The pages fell to Psalm 23, and I recognized the chapter. “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want … ” I read quietly. While I loved the chapter, it was a small note my mother had written in the margin that caught my eye. “Take your attention off the problem and focus on the one who can fix the problem. Look up, and cry out to the shepherd.”

I could almost hear her voice in my head, the sweetest sound I’d heard in almost two years.

chapter 47

Graduation came and went the second week of May without any pomp and circumstance. I opted out of taking part in the graduation ceremony, and instead, Dad and I went into the city and saw Wicked at the Gershwin Theater. I loved it; he didn’t. But he still bought me the soundtrack and let me listen to it all the way home and then tried to convince me that I should try to make it as a singer on Broadway. I informed him that he was delusional.

We spent the remainder of May and all of June and July in family counseling together. I also spent that time in my room soaking in time with the Lord. College was fast approaching, and my time and attention were soon going to be monopolized by studies, friends, a career, and possibly, one day, a family. I knew that although the Lord would always play a vital part in my life, I wouldn’t again have the ability to spend this much time getting to know him and getting to know who I was in him. I had a lot to learn, and not just learn so that it was in my mind. It wasn’t memorization; it was learning it in my spirit. It was believing it and living it out. It was allowing his words to transform me and create a whole new person—one who knew who she was and who she wasn’t.

In the process of learning about who I truly was, I discovered something that I never would have expected. I discovered that while I loved animals, I didn’t want to be a veterinarian. I realized that God didn’t allow me to experience all that I had so that I could care for animals. He allowed all of those things so that I could turn around and help other people in the same situation. I decided I was going to become a therapist like Joshua. I was going to use all that I’d suffered and learned through the process to help others salvage their lives.

Since we were in counseling, I took advantage and told Dad my decision about a change of career in front of our counselor. Much to my surprise, he ended up taking it much better than I’d expected; and as soon as we got in the car, he started calling his contacts at Cornell to find out how I could get on the fast track.

I, on the other hand, had other plans.

I sat on the front step waiting for my dad to get home from work. He always got home between four and four thirty, and I only had a few minutes left to get the speech together in my mind.

I’d done what I thought was best. I’d come back to New York to repair my relationship with my dad, and I’d succeeded. Although it wasn’t the perfect father-and-daughter relationship, it was a relationship, and it was more than either of us expected to ever have again. I’d also spent some much needed time learning about myself and what it was I needed and what I could realistically expect from another person.

The car pulled into the driveway, and through the windshield I could see him turn the key in the ignition to turn the car off, but he didn’t get out.

Somehow he knew.

After several minutes, when he still hadn’t exited the car, I walked to the driveway, opened the car door, and climbed in the passenger seat.

“You’re going back,” he whispered.

“How did you know?”

“I’ve known all along. As school got closer I expected it to happen any day, and when I pulled up and saw you sitting there, I knew this was it.”

“You’re my dad and I love you. But my life is in Oklahoma. My heart is there. Mom’s there. It’s where I belong.”

“I know. As much as I wish it wasn’t true, I realize you don’t belong here. Who knows, there’s a chance I don’t either. Maybe one day I’ll end up going back to Oklahoma too.”

“That would be nice.”

“So what’s the plan?”

“I was hoping you could take a few days off and drive me back. If not, I can call Pops. I’m sure he’d fly up and drive back with me.”

“No, I want to. When are you wanting to leave?”

“Tomorrow?”

He gave a deep, sad sigh. “That’s fast.”

“School starts soon, and I want time to get settled. I’ve already talked to Joshua and Nicole, and they said that I could stay with them for a little while until I find an apartment or something. So you might want to get the checkbook ready.”

He laughed. “I’ll do that.”

“Thank you.”

“Not that I want you to, but why aren’t you staying with the Bennetts?”

“They would let me if I asked; they’d probably prefer it, but that’s Riley’s home. I don’t want to make things too awkward.”

“So you aren’t planning on getting back together with him?”

“That isn’t really up to me. As much as I’d love to be with Riley again, it’s been a long time, and I hurt him. I can’t see a situation where he’d take me back.”

“And I didn’t see a situation where you’d take me back, but you did.”

“It’s different. You’re my dad. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I hadn’t given us a chance.”

“And will you be able to live with yourself if you don’t try to get Riley back?”

“You didn’t see his face the last time I saw him. I’d be lucky if he even looks at me again, let alone speaks to me. Besides, I’m not going back for him. I’m going back because I feel like it’s where I belong. It’s where I feel most comfortable, and it’s where I’m most myself.”

He finally pulled the key out of the ignition and opened his car door. I climbed out of the car and waited for him to join me before walking back toward the house.

“Then I guess we need to get you packed up.”

“I may have a lot of boxes to pack up, but at least this time when I head home, I’ll be taking a lot less baggage.”

chapter 48

The water was cool on my bare feet, and I watched it squirt between my toes as I walked along the sidewalk. A rare August rainstorm had stalled over Guthrie, and the hard, dry ground was getting a much-needed soaking.

My welcome home had been an emotional one. Almost everyone I loved stayed up late to be at Joshua and Nicole’s when Dad and I finally pulled into town. Riley was the only person who wasn’t there, and after a few hours of catching up with everyone, Pops suggested I get it over with and go see Riley. As it turned out, Riley didn’t want the first time we saw each other to be in a room full of people. I couldn’t blame him.

The Oklahoma wind whipped around me as I walked toward the Bennetts’ home, and I hoped the storm wasn’t an ominous sign of how my reunion with Riley was going to go.

I quietly opened the front door and stepped into the entryway. He was lying on the couch in the family room. After tiptoeing to him, I knelt on the floor and watched as he slept. He was beautiful, just as he’d always been.

He repositioned himself on the sofa, causing the sleeve of his left arm to bunch up on his forearm. My heart leapt when I saw that he was wearing two bracelets. One was the Salvaged cuff I’d given him, and the other was mine—the one I’d left behind.

Reaching over and lightly tracing the letters with my finger, I thought back to the day I’d made the bracelets and how I’d realized that God had salvaged my life. He’d rescued me from the depths and dropped me into a place of joy. He’d given me a place of refuge. A home.

“What’cha looking at?” Riley moaned.

I pulled my hand away.

“You.” A giggle escaped my throat. “And as someone once said to me, it’s the most beautiful scenery I’ve seen all day.”

“Ah, nice one.” He smiled and gave a small nod, though his head was still on the pillow and his eyes remained closed.

“‘Perfection personified.’ Isn’t that how you put it?” I asked.

“Yeah, and you accused me of stealing the line from a movie.”

“It still sounded good.”

He didn’t respond, which caused my anxiety to escalate.

“Are you going to look at me, Riley?”

“Eventually.”

“Okay.”

I looked around the room at the familiar and wonderful surroundings. Nothing had changed, and I was relieved.

When I finally looked back at him, our eyes met.

“Well, good grief, it’s Riley Bennett,” I teased in a whisper.

“Hey, Charlie.” A familiar crooked grin appeared just before he rubbed his eyes with his fingers.

“Are you happy to see me?”

“I guess so,” he teased back. “Do you realize you’re sopping wet?”

“Yes.”

He sat up, grabbed a blanket off the arm of the couch, and wrapped it around me before sitting back down. “You’re gonna catch a cold if you don’t watch it.”

“I’ll be fine.”

Holding his hands in his lap, he leaned toward me. “What were you doing out in the rain?”

“You’re wearing our bracelets.”

He glanced at them and then back at me as a heavy crease emerged between his eyebrows. “Yeah.”

“Do you still love me, Riley?”

He leaned away from me and back into the couch. “Why are you asking me that?”

“I need to know.”

“Why?”

I took a deep breath and let it out. “I’m hoping you do because I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get you back. I’ll fight for you if I have to.”

“What?” His hands immediately gravitated to his head. His fingers ran through his brown hair over and over again as he processed what I’d said.

“I realize I gave up on us without even giving it a fight, but I’ve learned that some things are worth fighting for. You’re one of those things.”

His breath sucked into his chest and his eyes were wide yet blank. I could read nothing from his response.

“I love you, Riley.” I lifted up onto my knees. “If I asked you, would you give me another chance?”

There was no response, which caused my heart to stop midbeat. “Look, I realize I screwed up. I said things I shouldn’t have; I ran away. I made very, very bad choices. But I was confused and scared, and I wasn’t thinking clearly.” I glanced at the bracelets. “You’re wearing our bracelets; surely that means something.”

He stood up and walked into the entryway before turning and looking back at me with a cloud of confusion hovering on his face. “You were gone for nine months.”

“I know.”

“At prom, you said we were over.”

“Yes.”

He shook his head, walked up the stairs, and disappeared into his room. After a few minutes, his head peeked out the door. He stared at me for a moment and then ducked back into the room.

Several minutes passed without him returning. With my heart shattered, I walked out the front door and back into the storm.

(Riley)

After managing to get my heart rate back to normal and grabbing a wad of tissue off my dresser, I went back down the stairs to Attie, but she was gone.

Rushing out the door, I looked toward the sky and watched as the rain poured down in sheets.

“Charlie?”

She turned to face me as I stood on the patio. Her body trembled under her cold, wet clothes. She was drenched from her blonde head to her shining, crimson toes.

“Come in out of the rain; you’re gonna get sick.”

She shook her head in defiance.

“Quit being ridiculous. Come on inside.”

“No!” Her foot stomped, causing rain to fly through the air. “Are we going to discuss this or not?”

I walked to the bottom step. “Charlie … ”

“Don’t ‘Charlie’ me!”

I shrugged. “Okay.”

“I have something I want to say, and I need you to listen.”

I watched her through the water that dripped off my eyelashes. A shiver visibly ran through her body just as her face crumbled and tears mixed with rain drenched her face.

“I left because I needed to work things out with my dad. I didn’t lie about that. At the time, I honestly thought that was why I was going. But now I realize that I was also running away. I ran because I was scared … of us. I knew that with as many issues as I had and as confused as I was, you and I could never last. I truly believed that by leaving, I was doing what was best for both of us.”

She closed her eyes and shook her head. I could tell she was trying to get her thoughts together. They were probably running through her mind faster than she could say them. While she tried to collect her thoughts, I kept any thoughts from running through my mind at all. I wanted to hear and understand every word she was saying. But mostly, I wanted to hear her voice again.

She opened her eyes and looked at me again. “I had to know that, I could be with someone because I wanted to be, not because I needed to be. I want to trust that I can love someone because of who they are, not because of the things they do for me or the security they give me. I realized in my time away that I had to heal so that if and when I was in a relationship, I could do it without all the baggage and without the insecurity. I want to be a whole, complete, healthy person. I believe that’s what I’m becoming.”

She shivered again but kept her eyes locked on mine.

“And after all that, what I’ve come to realize is my heart’s yours, Riley. It always has been, and it probably always will be. All I want to know is if you’ll come back to me.”

I wiped the rain out of my eyes. “You don’t get it, do you?”

“Get what?”

“I don’t need to come back to you; I never left. I never let you go.”

Her eyes widened in shock.

“I knew that you needed time, you needed to think things through, try it on your own. But I also knew that you weren’t gone forever. I trusted that you’d be back. Granted, after the whole prom debacle it seemed pretty hopeless, but part of me still believed you’d come back.”

“You never gave up?”

“I always told you I wouldn’t.”

She made an ill attempt at wiping the rain off her face.

Reaching into my jeans pocket, I pulled out the wad of tissue.

“I’m drenched, Riley. A tissue isn’t going to help.”

“Shush.”

“Okay,” she whimpered.

I slowly uncrumpled the paper until it revealed her ring. Seeing it, she gasped.

“You left this behind. I was hoping that you would want it back. I hoped you’d want me back—eventually.”

“I wanted you back the entire time. I was just being stubborn.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “You, stubborn? I can’t imagine.”

“I’ll work on it—the whole being stubborn thing.”

I rolled my eyes at her.

“Or I’ll try to, anyway,” she corrected.

“I’m not gonna hold my breath waiting for that to change.”

“That’s probably smart.”

“Probly.”As I walked up to her, she finally flashed a full-faced, nose-scrunching smile. “There’s the smile I fell in love with. It’s good to see it again.”

“It’s good to have a reason to do it.”

I turned away from her.

“Riley?”

“Shh.” Reaching behind me, I grabbed her by the hand and led her toward the side of the house. She didn’t resist. She knew exactly where we were going.

When we’d finally made it to our spot, I turned to her and grabbed both of her hands in mine as the rain washed over us. “I have a question for you.”

“You’re not going to ask me to marry you, are you?”

“Not yet. You’ll have to wait about four years for that.”

“Okay. Then what’s the question?”

“Will you be my girlfriend—again?”

She nodded.

“That’s a yes?”

She nodded again, causing tears to overflow her eyes and fall freely. “Yes,” she whispered. “And this time, I’m not gonna run.”

“Did you just say ‘gonna’? You finally getting a little Okie in ya?”

“I am an Okie. I might as well start sounding like one.”

For the second and hopefully the last time, I slipped the ring on her finger. Then, bringing my wrist up to my mouth, I used my teeth and free hand to untie her bracelet from my arm.

“I’ve had the ring and this cuff since you were put into the hospital.” I wrapped it around her wrist. “I put it on so that it wouldn’t get lost and then never took it off.” The loops pulled tight, and the bracelet was secure. “There, both back where they belong.”

Attie looked up at me with so much admiration that I couldn’t resist grabbing her and pulling her into my arms. Her breath warmed my entire body as she whispered in my ear. “I love you, Riley. No matter how lost I was, that never changed.”

I was so overwhelmed by relief that I started crying too. She stood back and looked at me. “So off we go, on an all new adventure.”

I wiped the wet hair off her face “I love you, Charlie. Welcome home.”

A single raindrop ran down her face and rested on her bottom lip, and without even thinking, I leaned over and drew it into my mouth. She responded by pressing her body into mine.

Attie was mine again and in my arms where she belonged.