Rise (32 page)

“Yes.”

His shoulders sagged and his head dropped. “Anything more? No, never mind, I don’t want to know.”

“Of course not.”

“Are you in love with him?”

“I like spending time with him. We have fun, and we have a lot in common—”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“What difference does it make?”

“Do you love him, Charlie?” he screamed. He shook his head as a tortured grimace filled his face, and lowering his voice, he continued. “Do you hate waking up in the morning knowing you won’t get to see him until later in the day? And when you’ve been away from him and you finally hear his voice, does your heart race? How about when he grabs your hand? Do you wish he wouldn’t let go?”

I recognized the words. They were the words I’d spoken when we sat together by the river and I told Riley how I felt about him the first time.

“No,” I whispered.

“Then what on earth are you doing with him? Why settle for that when I’m here? I’m standing right here.”

“And you’re leaving tomorrow.”

“Come home.”

“This is my home, at least until I get some stuff figured out, maybe even longer.” The hurt on his face was undeniable and painful to look at. “Look, let’s not talk about this anymore. You’re only here for a night. Let’s just go try to have some fun.”

“I traveled a long way to get here, and I’m tired. I’m really not in the mood to go to an after party with a bunch of people I don’t know. Can’t we just hang out and talk like we used to?”

“I want to go to the party.”

He shrugged. “Fine. We’ll go.”

“No, I don’t want you to go because I made you. You don’t owe me anything.”

He started pacing. “I can’t even believe what a mistake this trip was. I should’ve just stayed at home.”

“It probably would have been easier if you had.”

He spun around to face me. “I had to know.”

“Know what?”

“Where we were.” His hands covered his face. “I guess I needed closure.”

“You came all this way for closure?”

His hands dropped to his side, and his shoulders slumped again. “Apparently.”

I yanked off my corsage and threw it at him. “You could have just sent me an e-mail. It would have hurt a lot less.”

He watched it land on the ground before bending down and picking it up. His jaw grew tight and his eyes narrowed. “I’m sorry for bothering you. I shouldn’t have come.”

“At least we know where we stand,” I said sternly.

His eyes closed as he shook his head. “I guess we do.” We stood in silence until he finally walked to the car. “My plane leaves in the morning. I’ll be out of your life, and we can both move on.” He opened the car door and then turned to face me. “Are you going to be able to get a ride home after the party?”

“Yes.”

He sat in the driver’s seat. “I guess if I see you in the morning I see you.”

“Maybe it’s best if we don’t,” I suggested.

An angry laugh escaped his lips. “Unbelievable,” he whispered.

“Riley, you’ve got to know I never dreamt we would end like this.”

He swung his legs into the car and grabbed the door handle. “Funny, I never thought we’d end at all.”

The door slammed, and within seconds he was gone.

chapter 45

It was a cool early morning. I’d been walking the streets of Ithaca for hours. I wished I’d brought a rain jacket. A light mist had begun to fall, and my hair and dress were getting damp.

My chest ached knowing that when I returned home, I would be forced to say good-bye to Riley. What made it ache even more was the understanding that this time, more than likely after everything I’d said and done to hurt him, I would be seeing him for the last time.

Looking around, I realized that I didn’t have a clue where I was. I wasn’t sure how to make my way home.

The raindrops grew larger as they fell quickly from the sky. Frustrated and now sopping wet, I looked around for the nearest building that offered shelter. A small building across the road had a large eave where I could seek shelter, so I hurried across the street and ducked behind a pillar.

“Now look what I’ve done. I’m stranded.”

“Nobody’s ever truly stranded.”

Looking around, I spotted a man standing a few feet away.

“I’m just opening up the church. Would you like to come in out of the rain?” the man offered.

“I don’t know if I should—”

“You’ll be safe inside. I promise.”

I gave the man a small smile and once the door was open followed him inside. The small church had several rows of old wooden pews lined up on either side of a small aisle that led to the front of the sanctuary.

“Thank you very much,” I said. “Maybe the rain will slow down soon.”

“In the meantime, go ahead and make yourself comfortable.”

“Thank you.” I took a seat in a pew on the last row.

“You seem lost,” the man said as he sat in the pew across from me. “Do you know where you are?”

For some reason, his question brought tears to my eyes. “You have no idea how lost I truly am,” I said as I tried to control my emotions.

“Can I help?”

Looking around, I noticed the beautiful artwork and the statue of the Virgin Mary at the front of the left side aisle. “I’m a Christian, but I’m not Catholic, so—”

“Well, luckily we serve the same Lord. Why don’t you tell me why you’re crying?”

My eyes now rested on the large crucifix at the front of the sanctuary. I pointed at it. “I pushed him away,” I cried.

“Oh?”

“I got angry and asked him to leave me alone.”

“Why were you angry with him?”

“Many reasons. A lot of really bad stuff happened, and just when I thought the worst was over, something else happened. It’s like he never—” I stopped and shook my head.

“He never what?”

“He never put up a fight.”

“He never put up a fight with whom?”

“With Satan or who or whatever causes all the bad stuff to happen. He sat back and let it keep happening. He never stepped in and said ‘Enough is enough; it’s time to leave her alone.’”

“You’ve lived a life with no happiness,” the man observed. “I’m sure that’s a hard thing to accept.”

“No, it wasn’t like that.”

“So you did have happiness?”

“Yes.”

“Was it before or during the pain?”

My crying became heavier. “Almost the whole time.”

The man was silent for several seconds before speaking. “Maybe in reality, the Lord did step in. He gave you moments to refresh and regain your strength. To enjoy life.”

I wiped my eyes and nose with my arm and looked back over at him.

“Human nature causes that sometimes,” he continued. “We tend to blame God for the bad things but not give him credit for the good.”

I could only nod.

“Take rain, for example. It can rain for days on end. Days and days of cold, wet, windy weather. But even during those times, every once in a while the rain will let up to a more manageable mist or sprinkle. Sometimes we may even get a little bit of sunshine that will peek out from behind the clouds. It doesn’t last long, but it’s just enough to show, if we’ll just pay attention, that this too shall pass. It’s just a question of which you’re going to focus on, the rain and all the problems it causes or the rain and all the good it does because it came.

“In the book of James it says: ‘Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.’ It goes on to say: ‘Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.’

“The Bible also tells us that God doesn’t ever allow us to come up against something we can’t handle.”

“I haven’t been handling it, and he did allow too much.”

“Well, here’s my take on that. Alone, we can’t handle it. But if he’s at our side, or even carrying us if necessary, that’s what makes us able to handle it. That’s what makes us survivors. And call me crazy, but I’d bet you’re a survivor.”

“But like I said, I gave up on him. I ran away. That’s probably why all this has been so much more difficult.”

“Do you still believe in him?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“And you still love him?”

Fresh tears started falling down my face. “Yes.”

“I’d be willing to bet he never went anywhere. If you look hard enough you’ll see him, just like you used to.”

He let his words sink in before continuing.

“Our life is about choices, Attie. We can either choose to fight for what we know is good and right no matter what our circumstances, or we can chose to give in and let the enemy win.”

I sat silent and still.

“Here’s my question for you,” he said, standing and beginning to walk down the aisle. “Are you going to stop running and fight, or are you going to give in and let the chips fall where they may?”

I didn’t respond.

“And one more thing,” he said, turning to face me. “There are many things in this life that are worth fighting for, and I have a sneaking suspicion that God isn’t the only one you’ve run away from.” The man gave a small bow. “I’d better be going. I’ve got the Lord’s work to do.”

“Thank you,” I mumbled.

“It was my pleasure.” He turned and walked away, but I heard his voice carry from the doorway he’d exited. “Feel free to stay until you can remember your way back home.”

“Wait, how’d you know my name?” I yelled.

There was no response.

I sat in the silent room and stared at the statue of Jesus in front of me. “Where are you?” I whispered. “I don’t see you anymore. I don’t know where you are.”

The Lord didn’t answer.

“I’m drowning.” I stood and looked around the small chapel. “Do you hear me?” I screamed. “I’m drowning.”

The room remained silent.

Defeated and lost, I walked toward the crucifix. “You reached in once,” I whispered. “Reached in and pulled me out of the pit. I was restored; you’d salvaged me. I need you to reach in and pull me out again.”

I fell to my knees.

“You don’t even have to change my circumstances. I just need you here with me. I don’t want to do this without you anymore. I want to go back to our journey, no matter what. I want to go back.” Tears streamed off of my face and onto the floor in front of me. “Please, let’s go back to our journey. There’s no place else I’d rather be than with you on our walk.”

“Rise.”

His voice shocked me. I turned on my knees until I saw Jesus standing next to the pew I’d just left.

“You’re here.” Focusing on his bare feet, I frantically started crawling toward him.

“Rise,” he repeated.

Ignoring him, I continued crawling until I was right next to his feet.

Bending down, he looked me in the eyes, a large smile on his face. “Attie, it’s time for you to rise.”

As he’d requested, I slowly stood to my feet.

“I’m right here,” he whispered.

“You never left?”

“No.”

“I expected you to reach down and save me, but you didn’t. You sat there and watched me struggle, watched me start to drown. You saw where I was. Why didn’t you pull me out?”

“You hadn’t reached out. I can’t make you call out for me. You had it in you the whole time. All you had to do was call my name. I would have reached down and pulled you out. I was there, waiting for you to call out.”

“But I pushed you away instead,” I muttered.

“You tried. I didn’t really go anywhere, but you shut your heart to me. You didn’t want to hear me … or see me.”

“I know.”

“You wanted me around under the condition that I kept your life the way you wanted it. As soon as I didn’t meet that condition, you chose to stop walking with me.”

“It sounds so horrible to hear it said like that. True, but horrible.”

“But I wasn’t and I’m not giving up. Not until I have your whole heart—even if it takes forever. Your whole heart, even when it doesn’t feel good and even when circumstances make it nearly impossible. I don’t want you to try to act a certain way or do specific tasks; I just want your heart. I want you to love me because of who I am and not for what I do for you. No different than what you would want from someone.”

“I know that now, and you do have my whole heart. I understand now that by loving you I get a peace that stays around even when the world around me seems to be falling apart. As soon as I walked away, that peace left. I’ve felt so lost.”

“You’ve felt lost because you walked away. Home didn’t leave where it was. I didn’t leave; you left. You ran.”

“I was scared.”

“Yes, but you were also mad. You wanted to believe that since you’d survived so much hardship, you wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. But unfortunately I can’t make that promise to you. Everyone will suffer, some much more than others. All I can do is promise that I’ll walk through it with you.”

“That’s enough for me. I know that now.”

“If it’s just you and me, that’s enough for you?”

“Yes. Without you, none of that other stuff even matters. I want to walk with you again, no matter what.”

“Then you’re going to have to stop running from me.”

“I will.”

“Then let’s go,” he said, turning and waving over his shoulder.

“Go where?”

“Back to our journey. We’ve got work to do.”

chapter 46

By the time I made my way back to the house, Riley was gone and Cooper was sitting on the porch steps. He was slouched over, and his face was emotionless. It was one of the rare times he didn’t flash his white smile as soon as he laid eyes on me. Riley must not have told him how our night ended. If he had, Cooper would have been on cloud nine.

Afraid of what lay ahead, I slowly walked to him as a small part of my heart broke to pieces.

“So you arranged everything?” I asked.

He only shrugged.

“Why? You must have known what might have happened if Riley and I saw each other again. And what that would mean for you and me.”

“I didn’t know for sure, but I knew it was a possibility.”

I sat down next to him.

He took my hand in his, and I immediately started crying.

“Attie, I’m in love with you. But I can’t make you love me back. And I couldn’t be in a relationship with you all the while knowing that I was your second choice. In the back of my mind, I would have always worried that given the opportunity to go back, you would. Riley’s trip here confirmed all that. It was never really over between you two.”

“It is over between us.”

He looked at me with wide eyes, full of surprise.

“And as much as I hate to say it, it has to be over between you and me too.”

Squeezing his eyes shut, he shook his head and then looked back at me. “But if you two aren’t together, then why can’t we be?”

“I’m not where I need to be, emotionally and spiritually speaking. It isn’t good for me to be with anyone right now. I was crazy to think we could spend so much time together and act how we were acting without it getting too serious. I should’ve stopped and thought it all through before I drug you into my messy life.”

“I don’t blame you. I only have myself to blame. I walked in with my eyes wide open. I knew it was too soon, but I couldn’t help myself. When we went on that ski trip, I honestly had no intention of it being more than just helping out a friend. I never expected to feel the way I felt, and I certainly didn’t expect you to respond the way you did.”

“I know. I didn’t expect any of it either.”

“You and I have a lot in common. We want the same things out of life, and we could be an amazing team together. I want you. I can give you all the love you could ever need.”

“Just because something looks like it should be perfect doesn’t mean it feels right,” I whispered.

“It does feel right—to me.”

“I’m sorry; that was insensitive of me. I really shouldn’t say anything, because no matter what I say, it’ll be wrong.”

“Was any of it real, Attie? Or was it just an effort to try something new?”

“It was real, Coop. I love spending time with you; we have a great time together. And we have a lot in common. I do have feelings for you, just not as strong as what you have for me. And I can’t sit here and promise you that I ever will.”

“Like you said, you’ve got a lot to sort out. If you want to come back, I’ll be here.”

“As flattered as I am, I don’t want that for you. I want you to go out and find the perfect girl. The girl who’s going to choose you first and have no doubt, no confusion. You deserve that.”

“I deserve you, and if it didn’t work out with you and Riley, and once you’ve come to a better place in your life, then there would be no doubt or confusion left. We’d be free to go on with our lives together.”

“Coop—”

“Don’t think I’m noble, Attie. I didn’t bring him back here for you; I brought him back for me. I believed all you needed was some closure and you’d be right back here. I still believe that. I’m living out that old saying ‘If you let something go and it comes back, it was yours, and if it doesn’t, it never was.’ I have to let you go to find out if you’ll come back.”

“Coop—”

“We may not have the history that you and Riley have, but we have something. I’m not giving up.”

I laid my head on his shoulder.

“All you have to do is pick up the phone. I can be here in a matter of minutes.”

“I’ll probably never make that phone call.”

He dropped my hand and stood. “I’m choosing to believe you will.”

I tried to stand, but he gently pushed me back down. “No, you stay right there. I can’t say good-bye to you, so I’m just going to walk away.”

“Coop, please.”

“I can’t,” he said behind tears. “I hope to see you soon, but if I don’t, I hope you have a wonderful life. You deserve it.”

I watched Cooper climb into his car and drive away. In less than twelve hours, I’d said good-bye to the only two boys I’d ever cared about. I’d broken three hearts—theirs and mine.

Jesus caught my eye as he walked around the corner. Looking down, I noticed he was standing on one of the stepping-stones that led to our backyard. His feet were bare.

I looked at my own feet. My toenails had no crimson left.

“It’s just you and me,” he said.

I looked back up at the Lord. “Yes.”

“Welcome back.”

I felt a sincere smile form on my face.

He grinned back at me. “What are you smiling about?”

“It feels good to see you again.”

He sat next to me on the porch. “Trust me when I say it’s good to be seen by you again.”

A large yawn escaped my throat.

“You’re tired,” he said. “Go on, go get some sleep.”

“I’ve missed you. I don’t want to take my eyes off of you yet.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Attie. I’ll be right there when you wake up.”

“And then what?”

“And then we’ll get to work on sorting things out.”

“All right.” Placing my hands on my knees, I pushed myself up and walked to the door.

“Attie,” he called.

I turned and looked down at him.

“You’ve done well.”

I rolled my eyes. “I ignored you for months. I don’t know if you can call that ‘well.’”

“But you rose above your circumstances and what your heart wanted and you let me back in. That’s the very definition of a job well done.”

I started to go back inside but stopped myself.

“Lord?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you for being so easy to find.”

“You didn’t have to find me, Attie. I was never hiding, and I never left.”

Giving him one last smile, I turned and went inside. My dad was sitting at the dining room table.

“Riley told me what happened,” he said.

“And what was that?”

“That you broke it off for good. He’s devastated.”

“I thought I’d already broken it off for good. I just don’t think he was willing to accept it, and honestly, I don’t think a large part of me was either.”

“I think he hoped that he’d come up here, talk some sense into you, and you’d go back.”

“He thought wrong.”

“So then you chose Cooper?”

“No. I broke it off with him too.”

Dad’s eyebrows arched high. “Really?”

“I’ve got issues, Dad. I need to fix them. I shouldn’t be with anyone right now. And besides, I don’t want to make the same mistake you did.”

“What mistake?”

“Falling in love too young. Getting serious and missing out on everything else life has to offer.”

He sighed as he rubbed his face. “Please don’t tell me you’re making decisions based on what I said in the hospital.”

“Of course I am. You were right. And isn’t that why you told me all of that? So I would make the decision I did?”

He groaned. “Attie, I’ve got issues too, and a lot of what I said in that hospital room came out of a completely unhealthy frame of mind.”

“What?”

“Marrying your mother was not a mistake. What you said a couple of months ago was spot on. I had everything a person could ever ask for. I was the problem. I got lazy.”

“Lazy?” My conversation with Marme came to mind.

“And selfish. Relationships are work, and I stopped putting in any effort. All my time and attention went to the clinic and the school. You and your mom were left to live a life almost completely separate from me, and I didn’t put forth any effort in trying to be a part of it.”

“But you said you went looking for something.”

“I did, and I still am. But I also said a lot of other things. A lot of things to make myself feel better about the choices I was making. Things that kept me from accepting the fact that had I not made some of the choices I made, your mom would still be alive. You never would’ve had to suffer the way you have over the last two years.” Tears filled his eyes as he spoke. “You were right. The people I love most in the world ended up paying the price for my immaturity, and I’ve got to find a way to live with knowing that.

“Attie, I sent you to Oklahoma because I couldn’t bear to see you suffering due to something I caused. So rather than cause myself pain, I turned around and caused you more pain than I can even imagine.

“Horrible choices,” he whispered. “I’ve made one horrible decision after another.”

I remained quiet and still as he spoke. I was afraid that if I said anything, he wouldn’t be able to get it all out in the open, and it was obvious that getting it all out was exactly what he needed to do. He was being eaten alive from the inside out.

“I never should have believed the lie that the Trumans told me; I never should have come to Oklahoma the way I did, and I never, ever should have brought you back here.”

“I don’t agree.”

“What?”

“The way you did it wasn’t the best, but I did need to come back here. We did need to work on things, and I needed some time to heal on my own. We’ve both got a lot of work to do, and I don’t think either one of us would have done it where we were. We’ve got to get busy.”

“Doing what?”

“Finding what you were searching for.” I got up from the table and walked toward the kitchen. “I’ll get the coffee started.”

“Are you serious?”

“If you don’t figure it out, you’ll just end up searching for it again some other time.”

“You just broke it off with two boys in one day. Don’t you think we should be working on you?”

“That was working on me.”

“How’s that?”

“I say that part of the reason I came back was to heal and learn how to depend on myself, but I haven’t actually done it. I basically went straight from Riley to Cooper. I never took the time to be alone and deal with stuff without a guy trying to help fix me. I can’t be half of a couple if I’m half of a person, and for the last year and a half, I’ve been half a person. I’m ready to be whole, and no guy is going to be able to help me get there.”

“Then how do you plan on doing it?”

“The same way you are.”

He shook his head and shrugged in silent questioning.

“It starts today with church.”

“Church?” His face flushed as he picked up a spoon and started stirring his coffee. “I don’t know about that, Attie. I haven’t been to church for a couple of years or more.”

“Gee, I wonder if that’s when your life started losing direction. What do you think?”

“Don’t back-talk me. You’re still my daughter, and I’m still the adult.”

“I wasn’t back-talking. It was an honest question; I just said it with a bit too much sarcasm.”

He looked up at me and scowled.

“Really, Dad. We’re both pretty messed up right now. Even if I’m wrong and we don’t find what we need there, what can it hurt to give it a try?”

“Why would you think that would work?”

“Because it’s the only thing that worked for me before.”

His head cocked to the side. “Before?”

I sat in my seat again. “We haven’t talked at all about what my life has been like since the accident. And honestly, I don’t think you need to know every detail. But what I do want you to know is that the Lord met me right where I was and he stayed with me. It was through him and the people he put in my life that I made a lot of progress. Even after I found out you weren’t coming to Oklahoma, he walked me through it, and I was able to walk out the other side. It sucked, I’m not going to lie, but I survived it.

“When you came back and told me about you and Mom, I lost it. I pulled away from the Lord completely. I didn’t want to see him, and I didn’t want to hear him. He wasn’t doing exactly what I wanted him to do, and because I didn’t get my way, I walked away.”

“Like father, like daughter,” he muttered. “In more ways than one.”

“Do you want to know where walking away got me?”

“Of course.”

“Nowhere. It got me nowhere. I was more confused, more lonely, and more messed up than ever. No matter what it’s looked like on the outside, since I got back here I’ve been miserable, and not just because I miss my family and friends but miserable because I missed the Lord. Miserable because even though I needed to go back to him, I wouldn’t.”

He didn’t respond.

“Look, even if you don’t agree with me, will you go just because I’m asking you to? Because it’s important to me?”

“I’ll make a deal with you.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll go to church with you every Sunday—”

“And Wednesday.”

He rolled his eyes but smiled. “And Wednesday if you’ll go with me to counseling. I think we both need it.”

“All right.”

“You don’t even need to think about it?”

“Why should I? I was going to counseling in Guthrie.”

“You were?”

“It was Pops’s idea. It helped their family a lot, and he asked me if I’d give it a go, so I did. And I think it ended up saving my life. Not to mention, it helped me get my driver’s license, and Joshua and Nicole are two of my favorite people in the world.”

“Your time spent there was good for you.”

“And we’ll make my time spent here good for me too.”

“Yes, we will.”

“Now get up and get dressed; we’ve got work to do.”

I started to get up from the table, but he reached out and stopped me. “First things first,” he said.

“What first thing?”

“Stay right here.” Dad left me sitting at the table for several minutes as he disappeared up the stairs, and when he finally reappeared, he was holding a book. More specifically, a Bible. He held it out for me to take. “Here. I thought you might want to have this.”

I took it from his hand and sat it on the table in front of me.