Rescue Me (37 page)

“Did Green kill Emery Haynes?”

“He said he didn't.”

“And you believe him?”

He gave her an earnest look. “Yes, I do.”

Then so did she. She trusted his gut. “So,
who else was out there?”

“A double agent,” they said at the same
time.

Spencer blinked, his face hardening as he
made the connection. “Emery Haynes was just trying to save his own
life. I made sure that didn't happen. Son of a bitch. This really
is all my fault. He was double-crossed and I did nothing to help
him. Jesus fucking Christ. It's my job to protect people.”

For the first time, Kat saw the situation
from Spencer's point of view. He felt more than responsible for a
man's death. In essence, he'd killed that man. The burden of that
guilt weighed him down physically. She and Spencer weren't so
different in that respect. Her heart pinched at the thought.

“Christ,” he mumbled and slouched lower. “I
could have saved him if I would have just listened to you.”

Yes
, she wanted to say.
You could
have
. “I didn't have the same intel you did.”

“And yet you knew something was off that
night. If I would have listened to you instead of roaring ahead,
that man would still be alive. Maybe we wouldn't be in the mess
we're in now.”

“Spence, you can't blame yourself. You had no
idea.”

He snapped his brow into a frown as he nailed
her with his gaze. “Words to live by, my dear.”

She knew what he meant and just having them
said them out loud made the words ring so true.

“I was following orders. God
damn
it!
He didn't have to die. Neither did Sam Green. And it all boils down
to me blindly following orders.” He looked ready to spit. In an
instant his shoulders sagged as defeat consumed him. And he did
look defeated. Utterly, painfully defeated.

Kat's heart softened, even throbbed when she
recognized the heavy guilt in his eyes. She'd seen it whenever she
looked at her own reflection.

And then it clicked. Her life wasn't the only
one ruined as a result of that search. The weight she'd carried
around for a year suddenly lifted. She wasn't the only victim from
that search. Emery Haynes died that day. A part of Spencer did,
too. Holy shit. And she definitely hadn't helped by being a
complete bitch and ragging on him about it.

If she couldn't help herself, she could at
least help him. Maybe it would heal them both. “You can't go
through life trying to save everyone, Spencer. You aren't Superman.
Even he couldn't save Lois Lane in the original movie. He had to
reverse the rotation of the earth to do it.”

He furrowed his brow, fighting her reasoning.
“You're point?”

“As those rocks came pouring down, Superman
was too late to save her. He broke all the rules when he turned
back time.”

Spencer chuckled, though the noise sounded
forced. “Breaking all the rules for the woman he loves. Now there's
something I can relate to.”

Did he say love? He'd never said the 'L' word
to her, not like that. Kat wanted him to say it again. She didn't
know what to do. Should she touch him? Kiss him? Beg him to say it
again? Like the coward she was, she remained silent and waited for
him to continue.

“I remember something my mom used to say to
my dad. 'Stop trying to save the world, Jack. You can't reach every
person.' And my dad would always reply, 'I'm not trying to reach
every person. Only the ones worth saving.'“ Spencer seemed lost in
his memory.

He never talked about his dad. She kept him
focused. “Did your father ever regret being a TREX agent?”

“Not once. He told me being an agent was the
best thing he could do. He made the world a better place, one find
at a time.”

He paused, staring off into the distance. “He
told me once that he couldn't wait until he retired. He would
bounce his grandkids on his knee and tell them stories of how
granddaddy caught this bad guy or that bad guy...” He shook his
head as his voice trailed off. His face grimaced. “That was about
two weeks before he died.”

When Spencer remained quiet, she spoke in a
soft, soothing voice. “Why did you become an agent? Was it to
finish what your dad started?”

“I don't know. Maybe.”

“Do you ever regret your decision?” The
question hung in the air, and she refused to take a breath until he
said something.

Instead of answering, he closed his eyes.

“You and I are so much alike,” Kat stated
after she realized he'd never answer that question. Spencer opened
his eyes and rested his gaze on her. Emotion swirled there,
clouding them. “We're both turning our world upside down to right
the wrongs of our past. That's like walking in shoes that will
never fit.”

Spencer nodded. “My dad had good intentions.
He lost his life doing exactly what he loved. But he never
considered the lives of those who loved him.” The emotions changed
on Spencer's face. Hard, cold, haunting. “I guess that's where my
dad and I are different. He made sure the world was safe. I make
sure those I care about are safe.”

She wanted to take his pain away. It was so
unfair, the burden he'd taken on. “But that's so lonely.”

He shook his head almost violently. “Doesn't
matter. I don't want to ever put anyone in the situation where they
have to wake up to the news that their husband, their father, will
never come home.”

“You can't stop fate, Spence. If it happens,
it happens.”

“At least I can control how many people are
affected.”

Kat closed her eyes at the realization and
against the unrealistic pain it brought with it. It made perfect
sense now. The avoidance. The unwillingness to give her anything
more than the present. In his way, he thought he protected her from
what his mother went through.

How unfair. How lonely.

For them both.

“That's too bad,” she finally choked out, her
grief so great it threatened to rob her of control. Why couldn't
she mean enough to him to make him want to change all that? How
unfair to have her so deeply in love with someone not willing to
take that risk. Sure, he said he wanted a future with her, but he
wasn't willing to go all in. She wanted a husband. Kids. She wanted
it all, not just a fuck buddy that shared the same address.

Bitterness consumed her and she spoke words
meant to hurt, to drive the torment in deep enough so he felt an
ounce of what she felt. The disappointment. The devastating blow to
her self-worth. “Someday a special someone will come along and make
you want to give that all up for her.”

He sprang from the couch, slamming into the
coffee table, making it raise and drop with a loud thud. Kat
widened her eyes in surprise and jumped back.

“Don't preach to me about that special
someone. I thought,” he chuckled acidly and brought his hands to
his hips. “If anyone could have changed my mind, it would have been
you.”

The hardening resentment restricting her
heartbeat grew to a blinding fury. “Me? You've never once told me
how you felt.”

“I tell you all the time!” He shook his head
and ground out a sigh. “Un-fucking-believable.”

“Then tell me now.” When he set his jaw
instead, she pushed. “Please, Spence. I need to hear the
words.”

His eyes riveted to hers. The look made her
want to run and hide. They were so dark, so lethal, that Kat's
heart painfully skipped a beat. “Why? You left and enforced my
belief that I should be alone a hundred times over.” He kept his
voice cool and even. “When you came back I actually believed it had
something to do with me.”

“That's why I came back and you know it.”

“No, I don't know that!” Spencer roared and
broke into pacing. “You never told me why you left. You never told
me shit.” He paused as he glanced at her, a look of clear
realization in his eyes. He quickly shook it off. “I've been trying
to figure out what I did wrong for over a year. What the hell
happened between us?”

Ice filled her veins as her rage grew. She
spit out her response through clenched teeth, unable to hold her
hurt and betrayal in. “You know what happened! If only I never
admitted how I felt. How much I lo—” She couldn't bring herself to
say it again for fear her admission would lead to an even bigger
fight.

Or worse.

Back into his arms.

Spencer continued to pace, faster. “Horse
shit. You didn't leave me because of that.”

“The hell I didn't!” Kat countered and took a
step toward him in challenge. Yes, it was stupid. Yes, this man
could take her down with a single swing. But she knew Spencer, knew
he'd never raise his hand to her. “I couldn't stay with a man who
didn't love me.”

“Who said I didn't love you?” Spencer
shouted, his face growing redder and redder the longer their
conversation continued. His shoulders raised and lowered with his
agitated breathing. “Everything I've done, that I'm doing now,
shows you how much I care.”

“But you never said it!”

“I didn't say it,” he retorted with a bitter
bite in his voice. “That doesn't mean I didn't feel it.”

The anvil of his admission hit her square in
the chest. The balloon of her fight popped and she withered. How
could he wait until now to admit it Now, when it may be too late to
fix? “But you just let me go.”

“You bolted out of here so quick I never got
the chance to tell you how I felt. And you're so damn stubborn. You
wouldn't listen to reason even if I did come after you.”

“That's not true.” Kat looked around the
room, searching for an escape. She didn't want to talk about it
anymore. This conversation was supposed to be about Spencer, not
her. She couldn't face the fact that she shared any of the blame.
I can't be the reason for my own misery.
It had to be his
fault. It just had to be. She was the victim in all of this. Wasn't
she?

Or was she?

“What are you doing? Where do you think
you're going?” He took a step toward her, that intense look in his
eyes boring into her.

Kat snapped her gaze back to him. She hadn't
realized she'd already retreated toward the spare bedroom. “I'm
tired. I want to go to bed.”

“Oh no you don't. Not until we finish. We've
waited too long to hash this out. You are going to hear me, Kathryn
Louise Davis. This time I won't let you leave.”

“Spencer,” she whimpered. “I don't want to
know any more.”

“You left because you lost control,” he
stated matter-of-factly, ignoring her plea. “Plain and simple,
sweetheart. Up until the night you told me you loved me, you had
complete control—over your emotions and over us. When you lost that
control, you panicked and you ran because you were too goddamn
scared to face the fact that you may have met your match.”

“But,” she stammered, her head reeling. Could
it be that this past year, all the heartache, the loneliness, the
utter misery, could have all been avoided if she would have just
stayed and worked things out? No, it wasn't that simple. It
couldn't be.

“When I didn't tell you how I felt, you
assumed I didn't love you and that made you go ballistic. You lost
control over that aspect of your life. When that happened, you
jumped ship.” He crossed his arms in front of him and waited for
her reaction.

Kat hated how well he knew her. For over a
year she fought to fully understand the reasons why she left. It
made perfect sense now.
Damn, she'd been such a fool
. Her
stubborn pride made her lose the only person she'd ever loved.

Would she ever have any control when it came
to Spencer Allen? She somehow doubted that. Kat shuddered. Now she
knew why she'd avoided this talk for so long.

She didn't leave because of
him
.

She left because of
her
.

All her life she'd only done things she knew
she'd be good at. That's why she'd never failed. Never lost
control, never had to feel like a fool. The epiphany hit her so
hard it forced her back to the couch, using it to stabilize her
wobbly legs before she collapsed.

“You must have hated me.”

He nodded. “I won't lie. I did hate you. I
poured everything I had into my work. After a while, it became
tolerable. I kept expecting you to call or at least stop by to
explain. But you never did.”

She fought against the tears. This was
exhausting. Her heart hurt. “Neither did you.”

Silence thickened the room. Comprehension
slowly sank in and lifted some of the tension. They'd both done
everything they could to assume the worst of each other. What did
that say about them?

After what seemed like an eternity, Spencer
finally spoke. “What is it you want from me, Kathryn? Just say the
word and I'll do it.”

She didn't even hesitate in her answer. It's
what she'd wanted all along. “Marriage.”

Shock washed across his features as if she'd
just asked him to put a bullet into his head. He opened and closed
his mouth several times as the color drained from his face.

“Well?”

Shaking his head, he looked down and let out
a deep breath. “You know I can't give you that.”

His words plunged into her heart like a
poisoned dagger. “You said to just say the word. That's the word I
want. I want a husband, Spencer. I want a family. Can you or can
you not give that to me?”

His massive shoulders collapsed. He wouldn't
look at her. “I just can't put you through that. Can't you see that
I'm doing this for you? I'm saving you from the inevitable.”

“And, in return, you're denying us a future
together. Why deny us the time we could have together for the sake
of something that may never happen?”

He said nothing and worked his jaw.

She steeled herself from him. No way would
she let him destroy her belief in the happily ever after any
longer. “Then we have nothing left to talk about. Please don't come
into my room tonight. I really want to sleep alone. Can you at
least do that?”